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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Did your Ex turn your kids against a new girl/boy friend?  (Read 584 times)
Sluggo
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced 4 yrs/ separated 6 / Married 18 yrs
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« on: September 09, 2021, 04:44:50 PM »

Need help,

I just started dating.  Been divorced 5.5 years.   We are just dating and not living together.   I had not dated before.  Ex bpd has been living with her boyfriend 3 years.  My ex had alienated me from our oldest 2 kids.   I have full custody of our other 5 kids for last 3 years. 

 I would like to hear your experience ... 

1.  did the kids get turned against your new partner by Ex? 

2.  Did kids accept your new partner?

3.  Any advice with the above?

Thank you for any thoughts. 

Sluggo

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Rev
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« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2021, 04:52:58 PM »

Need help,

I just started dating.  Been divorced 5.5 years.   We are just dating and not living together.   I had not dated before.  Ex bpd has been living with her boyfriend 3 years.  My ex had alienated me from our oldest 2 kids.   I have full custody of our other 5 kids for last 3 years. 

 I would like to hear your experience ... 

1.  did the kids get turned against your new partner by Ex? 

2.  Did kids accept your new partner?

3.  Any advice with the above?

Thank you for any thoughts. 

Sluggo

Hey Sluggo,

These are great questions - before I weigh in, can you give a sense of how old your children are?  How would you describe the family dynamics when it's just you and them?  How do they relate to you? How do they relate to each other?

Rev


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Sluggo
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« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2021, 11:02:36 PM »

Rev, 

Good question:

1.  How old?

 17grl, 14 grl, 12by, 10grl, 7 by

2.  When it is just me and kids... 

Normal dynamics now.  But much improved over last 1.5 years.  Ex still engages in openly hostile remarks about me.  Kids are usually a little standoff towards me after seeing her. 

3.  Kids releate to eachother?

Kids seem very close.  It is only when the five younger kids go to visit their mom, that is when they see the older two children who are still alienated towards me.
 
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Rev
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2021, 06:15:11 AM »

Rev, 

Good question:

1.  How old?

 17grl, 14 grl, 12by, 10grl, 7 by

2.  When it is just me and kids... 

Normal dynamics now.  But much improved over last 1.5 years.  Ex still engages in openly hostile remarks about me.  Kids are usually a little standoff towards me after seeing her. 

3.  Kids releate to eachother?

Kids seem very close.  It is only when the five younger kids go to visit their mom, that is when they see the older two children who are still alienated towards me.
 

Another couple of questions for clarification -

1) You say "five younger kids" - is this a blended family?  How many children in total?

2) Do I understand that there is a dynamic where after the children spend time with their mother, that they are divided against each other?

My initial thought process is to focus on the dynamics of the children together as a result of the marriage break-up first - to keep their sense of resilience together. But I won't say more until I get a better picture.

How much do you know about family systems theory?  If you google it - it will help you get a areal view of things.  With that many people involve, it makes for a complex system - a maze of relationships where even under the best of circumstances it's possible and inevitable even to get lost and stuck.

Rev
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formflier
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« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2021, 06:20:57 AM »


How have you handled this so far?

Is there a T advising you?

My gut reaction is to ask about the elephant in the room "Hey Bobby, you seem distracted this evening, is something on your mind?"

My second gut reaction is that you dating has nothing to do with this.  (Are you aware of specific statements?)

Best,

FF
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Sluggo
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« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2021, 10:28:36 PM »

Rev, 

1.  These are all our kids together.  It is not a blended family.  I say younger kids because the other 2 are in college.  They use mom as home base.  They do not talk with me and have not since divorce 5 years ago. 

2.  They are only required to spend 30 days with their mother during summer however when the mother request them I usually comply and let them see her more. It was the mother's decision to petition the court for only 30 days a year. She gave up voluntarily weekends and holidays.  The 2 older kids only visit mom. 

Yes it is a complex system.  Maybe a better question...  does the bpdx poison the kids against my new girlfriend.  Is that a common pattern of behavior bpd exs.
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Sluggo
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« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2021, 10:31:57 PM »

FormFlier,

Yes I am seeing T.  Have appointment tomorrow. 

I just started dating and my ex probably just found out I was dating over the weekend when she saw me with my new girlfriend at the sporting event of the kids. She was there with her boyfriend of 3 years. 

I just was wondering if spouses to pickling turn their kids against the new girlfriend just like my ex-spouse turn the kids against me. Because the relationships new I am not aware of anything that has been sent.

Thanks

Sluggo
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Rev
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« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2021, 07:46:22 AM »


Yes it is a complex system.  Maybe a better question...  does the bpdx poison the kids against my new girlfriend.  Is that a common pattern of behavior bpd exs.

Hi Sluggo,

If you are boiling your question here to what is above, then I would say that bpd is not necessarily the issue. Any mood disorder will be disruptive - and that is not restricted. Some exes just never get over a break-up regardless. 

Yours is in fact a very complex system. And so, I would also add that the complexity of the system impacts the ability of all its members to adjust. There is only so much some people can absorb or roll with. 

Given that, I would suggest that perhaps you might want to give things time, go slow and the more standard things about building a relationship. Some of your children are at the age where forming relationships is where it's at where others are still at the age where they are figuring out what it means to be more self reliant.

As for your adult children, their absence too has an impact - however non-verbal.

Hope this helps,

Rev

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Sluggo
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« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2021, 04:12:16 PM »

Thank you Rev...  yes the succinctly presents my question. 

Thank you for your perspective.

Sluggo
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livednlearned
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« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2021, 06:38:36 PM »

Hey Sluggo, friend  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Congratulations on dating! It's a big step after what you've been through.

It sounds like BPDx may have recently discovered your new partner, but I'm wondering if your partner is new to the kids?

Maybe a better question...  does the bpdx poison the kids against my new girlfriend.  Is that a common pattern of behavior bpd exs.

What is your new GF like with the kids, and how are they responding to her?

Sometimes it helps to focus on healthy dating behaviors when introducing someone new to kids.

A lot will come down to how secure your new GF feels about herself and the work you two do to support each other.

Does she have kids?
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Breathe.
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« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2021, 10:16:02 PM »

Need help,

I just started dating.  Been divorced 5.5 years.   We are just dating and not living together.   I had not dated before.  Ex bpd has been living with her boyfriend 3 years.  My ex had alienated me from our oldest 2 kids.   I have full custody of our other 5 kids for last 3 years. 

 I would like to hear your experience ... 

...

My situation was similar, although I have not been divorced for as long as you, nor is my daughter as old as your kids.  I'll answer your questions in turn below. 

1.  did the kids get turned against your new partner by Ex?  So far, no.  But I am more or less sure my Ex has been trying.  But I think some other factors played into my D being more receptive to my GF (see below)

2.  Did kids accept your new partner?  Yes.  There are occasionally awkward comments from my D that I assume are her parroting negative comments her mom, my BPDxw, says.  These typically occur only after long periods of time with her mom/away from our house. 

But those moments never linger.  When my D met my GF, my D was quick to ask her if she was her step mom & of her own initiative referred to her as her step mom, without my prompting. 

I know for a fact my D does not like her mom's BF, so maybe that helped tip my D's opinion in favor of me finding someone. 

3.  Any advice with the above? The advice I received was to hear my daughter out if she had any complaints or questions, and ask them why she thought something, if she had an unusual opinion, but in no circumstances would I tolerate open disrespect toward me or my GF. 

It helps that because of my xw's erratic behavior, my D seems to already doubt a lot of the things she tells her - without any input from me - so I think my approach has worked out... basically to be a sounding board for her, with some gentle guidance on topics that are too complicated for a kid to understand.

My GF has been great with my D as well (but she is a teacher, so has experience dealing with little kids). 

She told me soon after I introduced them that they were talking once without me in the room, and my D confided how she was sad her parents were divorced and didn't understand why it had happened.  My GF told her it was okay not to understand, and that she didn't need to try to understand things grownups did right now, but she would understand them better when she was a  grownup.  She said my D smiled and hugged her.

So she seems to appreciate that we let her think her own thoughts and make up her own mind, without getting angry with her, or forcing her to agree with our views. 
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Sluggo
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Relationship status: Divorced 4 yrs/ separated 6 / Married 18 yrs
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« Reply #11 on: October 14, 2021, 09:24:18 PM »

Lived and learned,

Excerpt
It sounds like BPDx may have recently discovered your new partner, but I'm wondering if your partner is new to the kids?

Yes they had their first encounter at a sporting event for my son.  The kids have spent some time with her doing things fun (amusement parks, etc).  But still realitively new.  She does live a couple hours away so we don't have the daily interaction.   

Excerpt
What is your new GF like with the kids, and how are they responding to her?

She is sweet and thoughtful.  Very engaging with them at their level and in their interests. Kids seem to like her. 


Great  point on her level of comfort in relationship. 

Sluggo
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Sluggo
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Relationship status: Divorced 4 yrs/ separated 6 / Married 18 yrs
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« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2021, 09:28:01 PM »

Petewitsend,

Thank you very much for sharing your experience ...  its very helpful! 

Sluggo
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CoherentMoose
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« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2021, 11:47:05 AM »

Sluggo,

I am the new partner.  Thought I'd chime in with my point of view.

1.  did the kids get turned against your new partner by Ex?
Initially yes.  My fiancĂ©'s xBPDh started telling the children I was the cause of their mom leaving.  There was some anger from the children toward me for several months, especially from the son.   
 
2.  Did kids accept your new partner?
It took close to a year, but as they witnessed how I treated their mother and was supportive of them and their activities the anger has left and they seem very relaxed around me and call me their Step-Dad.  It also helps that there is peace and tranquility in our house versus the pressure cooker at their Dad's house.   

3.  Any advice with the above?

Patience.  Hopefully, your new relationship is a good model for them to observe.  And it does take a very special person to deal with another's children.  My challenge is not with the children in my relationship, it's my fiancĂ©'s parenting style.  She's a very permissive parent and her children disrespect her and demand her attention constantly.  I'm trying to learn radical acceptance of her parenting style, but man-o-man, it's difficult.  Something new for this old dog to learn.  Not sure how well I'm learning.  Parenting style is a core value and the disconnect is impacting our relationship. 

Final note; congrats on wading back into the pool.  I hope you find happiness.  CoMo
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Sluggo
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« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2021, 07:43:55 PM »

Coherent Moose

Thank you so much h for the reply and sharing your experience and heads up on differing parental styles. 

Sluggo
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