What did you like about your BPDex or attracted you to that person?

[Ad Meliora]

So we all saw something we liked in our BPDexs, otherwise we never would've gotten involved in the first place.  They weren't these monsters we talk about here who did all these terrible things to us, these heinous acts against us.  No, they were our romantic partners. So, what was it we fell for (and were later duped/tricked/misled)?

My BPDex was one of the most vivacious and buoyant people I have ever met.  She always seemed to have a smile on her face, and appeared easy-going if not very shy and reserved at first.  She could be charming, and disarming.  She appeared smartly dressed for the temp-job we were doing and of some intelligence.  The work required a college degree and she had one with a major in Physics from a prestigious private college in the area (I never verified this though).

She would enthusiastically join in to some of the activities I organized over lunch break and seemed spontaneous and generally amenable to whatever was happening at the time.  When it was the last day of the job, we all went to a pub close to the office and had drinks.  I struck up a conversation with her and told her I thought she resembled Lynda Carter, she smiled and said she had a Wonder Woman costume at home though she hadn't worn in years.  She was a grown woman in her late 40's, but had a child-like quality about her.  She was a little older than me, and I would defer to her judgement as "she must know best".

As I got to know her I found her captivating and magnetic.  She began to look even more attractive to me than in the original work setting.  I quickly became under her spell and the rest is history ("The disaster year: July 2019 to July 2020")

It was all a facade, of course, a veneer, a front.  A very convincing one at that, as she had decades of practice.  As captivating as she was, she was capricious.  However magnetic she appeared, her moods were mercurial.  I worked harder and harder to win her affections. I worked harder and harder to please her.  There was no pleasing.  There was no winning.  There's just this tale and my general curiosity as to what you saw when you first encountered your BPD partner.

[Goosey]

I’m perplexed while trying to formulate a post on this.
  Oh I loved many things about her.
Beautiful, sexy.
Energetic, playful.
Smart.
Helpful.
Motivational.
I guess I’m more flummoxed by what attracted her to me.
In truthful retrospect I was ensnared, faster then light. I don’t regret that, still miss her dearly most times. I’m living in a fantasy land.
    I’m sure that cycle continues.  Still bewildered till I snap back to the realities of bpd.
   
 

[ILMBPDC]

We worked in the same department (not directly together but pretty close), so we had similar jobs. I enjoyed talking to him, he was a good conversationalist and we got along well. I liked his semi-nerdiness (he was a math major and originally wanted to be a teacher), his personality, his quirky style of dress (he once called himself post-hipster, whatever that means ). I thought he was cute but I hadn't thought romantically about him because of the age gap (he is 13 years younger) so when he started flirting with me I was a little taken aback. Admittedly, I was attracted to him but I didn't understand why he would want someone my age (45 at the time) when he was in the prime of his life (32 at the time) [Turns out his ex wife is 40, as is the woman he dated right before me so he has a history of older women].
I liked him a lot, I enjoyed his company and our conversations (we could talk about anything!). He was a sweet guy (Interesting side note: I once said I thought he was sweet and he made some comment about how it was because of how he presented himself to me or something like that. I was a little taken aback but ignored the red flag. Ugh).
I'm actually tearing up a little at this. I miss those days, our friendship, the most.

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks Goosey and ILMBPDC for sharing.  We chose these people as possible partners for a reason, and we all have some form of judgement, so it wasn't because they were monsters.  We saw things we really liked about them and thought they could be someone we could build a future with (for example).

I'm just looking for similarities in other's approach so I can avoid falling into the situation with a pwBPD relationship again.  I was blindsided.  I'm thinking my future self here, because my past-self...well, he got duped pretty bad.

I know it's hard ILM.  In writing my stories about my BPDex I think of the good moments, how deeply I was in love with her.  How hard I tried, the exhaustion, the anxiety.  It's all overwhelming still.  Tearing up seems to be a natural feeling to have here.

[ILMBPDC]

I'm just looking for similarities in other's approach so I can avoid falling into the situation with a pwBPD relationship again.  I was blindsided.  I'm thinking my future self here, because my past-self...well, he got duped pretty bad.

For me, there were red flags I ignored. I chose to think he was "joking" or that I was convinced I was being too critical or reading into something.
What I have learned from this is to 1. trust my gut, its trying to tell me something and 2. take people at their word. If he says "we probably shouldn't get together because it will end badly" believe him (I remember being startled by that statement but still brushed it under the rug). Also 3. if he says things and never, ever follows through, don't make excuses, its a red flag. Actions speak louder than words. 

I know it's hard ILM.  In writing my stories about my BPDex I think of the good moments, how deeply I was in love with her.  How hard I tried, the exhaustion, the anxiety.  It's all overwhelming still.  Tearing up seems to be a natural feeling to have here.

I have been working with a Somatic Experiencing therapist to deal with not only this but my past traumas (in both childhood and relationships) and have learned how important feeling is. To allow the emotions to flow through you and to process them.  Its hard but its healing.

[IntoTheWind]

I pretty much had a full deck of everything I wanted, so I indulged in all of the following traits about her, whilst ignoring the most important ones: compassion/empathy.

• Physically very attractive
• Successful career
• Highly motivated
• Charismatic
• Intelligent
• Funny/Silly

[ILMBPDC]

I pretty much had a full deck of everything I wanted, so I indulged in all of the following traits about her, whilst ignoring the most important ones: compassion/empathy.

• Physically very attractive
• Successful career
• Highly motivated
• Charismatic
• Intelligent
• Funny/Silly

Sounds like the same traits as mine - successful, charismatic, intelligent, good looking, funny.  I used to think he was highly motivated but I'm not so sure anymore. Or, rather, he is motivated but his motivations seem to be driven by external validation rather than true motivation. I'm realizing my BPD was more narcissistic than I had realized at the time.

[Sappho11]

When I first met my ex, I wasn't impressed. Visually, he reminded me of a former acquaintance of mine whom I despised for his grandiose narcissism.

He was naturally very athletic (usually not my type but it suited him), long legs, broad shoulders, all in perfect Vitruvian proportion. His face was of an old-fashioned, if somewhat generic masculine beauty; I felt he would have been considered handsome in any century.

Over the course of two years, he kept a written weekly journal of my likes and dislikes (a journal with which he began to taunt me a few months into the romantic relationship). With this information, he gradually began to present a facade of being the perfect partner: started dressing well, choosing his words carefully, practising piano every waking minute of the day to impress during the lesson, feigning musical and emotional receptivity, pretending to be an empath and a warm-hearted, caring lover in search of The One, looking for someone to protect and to care for. I fell for this show hook, line and sinker.

It took me a long time to catch on that this was but a thin veneer indeed. After all, it fit so well with the rest of the picture, his upbringing, his family – his father was a successful entrepreneur, his mother a family lawyer with a soft spot for music and the arts. Both were very cordial and well-read, and dinner conversations with them were a delight. They and their son all lived together in separate units in a picturesque house crammed with a collection of original artwork, in a scenic part of town. Visiting them felt like walking into an oasis of beauty.

I don't miss him at all. But I do miss his parents. I'm sure come Christmas I'll be quite miserable thinking of them. We spent last year's together, the four of us, and it was the best Christmas I'd ever had (I have no living relatives of my own).

But I digress. In short, I loved the carefully-crafted facade my ex presented to me, and later the real-life background he was using as a literal prop.

[Ad Meliora]

Thank you all for your replies here, it helps me a lot.  Sappho, your post here actually caused an "A-ha!" moment for me.  Good job!

It took me a long time to catch on that this was but a thin veneer indeed. After all, it fit so well with the rest of the picture, his upbringing, his family – his father was a successful entrepreneur, his mother a family lawyer with a soft spot for music and the arts. Both were very cordial and well-read, and dinner conversations with them were a delight. They and their son all lived together in separate units in a picturesque house crammed with a collection of original artwork, in a scenic part of town. Visiting them felt like walking into an oasis of beauty.

I don't miss him at all. But I do miss his parents. I'm sure come Christmas I'll be quite miserable thinking of them. We spent last year's together, the four of us, and it was the best Christmas I'd ever had (I have no living relatives of my own).

But I digress. In short, I loved the carefully-crafted facade my ex presented to me, and later the real-life background he was using as a literal prop.

The backstory fit the narrative that I had unconsciously created about what an "ideal mate" would look like.  Whenever I saw a , I must've written it off as 'it doesn't fit the backstory', so it can't be a true part of the "now" story.  I'll explain.

You describe here a nice bourgeoisie family, cultured, and professional.  Industrious yet with an appreciation of the arts and able to make polite conversation.  The scene and pedigree fit perfectly for you, don't they?  From where you would want your ideal partner to spring forth from?

From the first full day (night) I spent with my BPDex she pulled me in hook, line, and sinker (a term you also used and describes this situation perfectly).  I wondered why, and now I see it was her background.  While we both lived in a large metropolitan area, we both came from small towns.  We both had families that were active outdoors: hunted, fished, boated, etc...  The most serendipitous moment that first night came when I realized we both drove the same first car as 16 yr olds.  I had a crappy Chevy Chevette and she had (the more crappy) Pontiac T-1000.  Awful answers by GM to the Japanese auto makers fuel efficient cars.  It didn't stop there, I had a '76 Firebird and she had a Camero (same thing).  We both drove the same Ford Pick-up truck after that.  Maybe this seems meaningless to you, but as a car guy, this was huge and I took it as a "sign" that maybe she's the one.

She could sing, play acoustic guitar, and bass.  I played bass for a bit in college (I'm using the word, play, loosely here).  So the backstory checked out.  What I did then is create the "Front Story" from that with her as the main character--my ideal mate.  All she had to do was play along and match the front.  She was a decent actress, she was in musical roles in high school (for example).

When things went awry, I fell back to the backstory: "this can't be, I vetted her, her story checked out..."  I thought she'd be the star of my play.  A box office smash, with my friends and family. Soon though, I found I was yelling "Cut!" constantly.  Instead of a blockbuster hit, she bankrupted my production company and sent me into hiding.  (Is this analogy becoming too obtuse?)

I see now where it all originated and why I became so attached to the outcome I wanted.  It took your post, here, for me to see that.  Thank you very much!

So on that point, Christmas is still three months away.  No sense committing your future-self to being blue during that time.  A lot can happen in 3 months.  Look how far you have come in the months following your split with your BPDex?  I see it as an inspiration as I was "stuck" for over a year.   I see from your advice that you are a very apt and competent person.  Things may work out better for you than you can even foresee in the upcoming months.

Again, thank you all for your input, as I think it does take courage to post and share your stories even with something like what you found attractive about your BPDex.

[grumpydonut]

Her persistence and the sex. I didn't want to date her for over a year. Then suddenly I started feeling things for her. Eventually we dated. There were three okay months, the rest were horrible. Yet, when it ended, I yearned for her.

[Sappho11]

Thank you all for your replies here, it helps me a lot.  Sappho, your post here actually caused an "A-ha!" moment for me.  Good job!

Thanks, happy to hear it!

The backstory fit the narrative that I had unconsciously created about what an "ideal mate" would look like.  Whenever I saw a , I must've written it off as 'it doesn't fit the backstory', so it can't be a true part of the "now" story.  I'll explain.

You describe here a nice bourgeoisie family, cultured, and professional.  Industrious yet with an appreciation of the arts and able to make polite conversation.  The scene and pedigree fit perfectly for you, don't they?  From where you would want your ideal partner to spring forth from?

True, and even worse – I was orphaned at age 6, so in many ways my ex's family was the family I wished I had. His mother even reminded me of my mother, both in terms of looks and personality.

From the first full day (night) I spent with my BPDex she pulled me in hook, line, and sinker (a term you also used and describes this situation perfectly).  I wondered why, and now I see it was her background.  While we both lived in a large metropolitan area, we both came from small towns.  We both had families that were active outdoors: hunted, fished, boated, etc...  The most serendipitous moment that first night came when I realized we both drove the same first car as 16 yr olds.  I had a crappy Chevy Chevette and she had (the more crappy) Pontiac T-1000.  Awful answers by GM to the Japanese auto makers fuel efficient cars.  It didn't stop there, I had a '76 Firebird and she had a Camero (same thing).  We both drove the same Ford Pick-up truck after that.  Maybe this seems meaningless to you, but as a car guy, this was huge and I took it as a "sign" that maybe she's the one.

She could sing, play acoustic guitar, and bass.  I played bass for a bit in college (I'm using the word, play, loosely here).  So the backstory checked out.  What I did then is create the "Front Story" from that with her as the main character--my ideal mate.  All she had to do was play along and match the front.  She was a decent actress, she was in musical roles in high school (for example).

When things went awry, I fell back to the backstory: "this can't be, I vetted her, her story checked out..."  I thought she'd be the star of my play.  A box office smash, with my friends and family. (...)

This makes so much sense! Those were my thoughts exactly. I totally get the car analogy. My ex and I both liked obscure Japanese pop music from twenty years back that nobody except for us ever seemed to have heard of, for example. There were so many little ways in which he seemed to fatefully tie into my past – he once turned up to the lesson with the exact cake my mother had always baked, used an expression my first love used to use, and so on and so forth – he seemed like all the people I had ever loved, all the goodness in my life, rolled into one.

The truth is, people are endlessly complex in their respective compositions and experiences, and I'd now wager the bet that you could pick a random stranger off of the street and find almost as many random commonalities with them as we did with our respective exes (though common interests obviously somewhat increase the amount of overlap).

From what you've written, it's clear that you are romantic at heart. I still think that's a good thing. And it's probably natural that people with a romantic bent are more susceptible to what psychology refers to as "magical thinking" (veeery guilty of this myself).

I believe this is perfectly normal. After all, animal brains have developed in order to recognise patterns. No wonder then, that it's easy to fall for the frequency illusion (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frequency_illusion) or for good old confirmation bias. We are inherently built to interpret information in this way.

So on that point, Christmas is still three months away.  No sense committing your future-self to being blue during that time.  A lot can happen in 3 months.  Look how far you have come in the months following your split with your BPDex?  I see it as an inspiration as I was "stuck" for over a year.   I see from your advice that you are a very apt and competent person.  Things may work out better for you than you can even foresee in the upcoming months.

Thank you for this. I'll do my best.

[Sappho11]

Her persistence and the sex. I didn't want to date her for over a year. Then suddenly I started feeling things for her. Eventually we dated. There were three okay months, the rest were horrible. Yet, when it ended, I yearned for her.

This is so curious. I wasn't really interested in my ex for the better part of two years, then suddenly it was as if a switch had flipped. I never figured out what exactly had caused this.

Do you know happened between you and your ex that caused you to suddenly develop feelings?

[Ad Meliora]

"When life ends up breathtakingly f*cked, you can usually trace it back to one big bad decision.  The one that sent you down the road to Sh*tsburg.  This, well...this is mine."
               --Deadpool

There were three okay months, the rest were horrible.

Hi GrumpyD, I hear you.  At least you had 3 months.  I had one week in 52, it was bliss and I kept hoping it would return.  A gambler, feeding my last dimes into the slot machine that was my BPDex, hoping for one more big jackpot and...Busted.

From what you've written, it's clear that you are romantic at heart. I still think that's a good thing. And it's probably natural that people with a romantic bent are more susceptible to what psychology refers to as "magical thinking" (veeery guilty of this myself).

Yes, a romantic.  Therein lies the problem.  I could go into detail here, but I think you get it Sappho (as everyone here on the forum that shares those traits).

[Sappho11]

"When life ends up breathtakingly f*cked, you can usually trace it back to one big bad decision.  The one that sent you down the road to Sh*tsburg.  This, well...this is mine."
               --Deadpool

Never knew my 19th-century favourite had a modern equivalent!

"What people commonly refer to as 'Fate' is mostly nothing but their own foolish actions." Schopenhauer.

[Ad Meliora]

Just like Ecclesiastes 1:9 says.

"What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun."

Schopenhauer has a much smoother ring to it.  All the existentialist thinkers have similar quotes/thoughts, I believe.  Deadpool, one of Marvel's anti-hero's, just gives it a modern crude tone.

Your story helped me Sappho.  I can see "my own foolish actions" at work now in a way I couldn't before.  It means I can start to re-write my part of the play (or throw it out all together!).  Who knows, the backstory could've been loaded with BS too, for all I know.  I wanted it to be magic.  She wore a necklace when I first met her that had "magic" inscribed in the stone.  She wanted it too, and as she resided in an alternate reality I think it was easy for her to get there.

[Sappho11]

Your story helped me Sappho.  I can see "my own foolish actions" at work now in a way I couldn't before.  It means I can start to re-write my part of the play (or throw it out all together!).  Who knows, the backstory could've been loaded with BS too, for all I know.  I wanted it to be magic.  She wore a necklace when I first met her that had "magic" inscribed in the stone.  She wanted it too, and as she resided in an alternate reality I think it was easy for her to get there.

We probably all did! No reason to beat yourself up.   Being determined to "re-write your part or throw out the play altogether" is probably the best attitude you can have.

Just had another thought, Ad Meliora. Perhaps this is obvious to everyone but me, but I'd like to share in case it isn't.

People who are in happy, stable relationships are often those who are well-matched in terms of emotional meta-skills: they tend to find people who are reliable, constant in their affections, true to their word, and who largely match their opinion in the "big" questions of life (spirituality, politics, attitude to finances, opinions on children and child-rearing). Often, these couples tend to have quite different interests, or come from different backgrounds, or otherwise have contrasting personalities; in short, they are alike in very profound, broad, invisible strokes, and different only in the more superficial, visible manifestations of personality.

A lot of misery in modern dating, and definitely a lot of misery in these BPD relationships, stems from us misinterpreting these common "superficialities" as markers of true compatibility. For you, it was cars and Wonder Woman, for me it was baked goods and liking the same obscure Japanese music. Somehow, we extrapolated from these trivial, inconsequential things that our ex-partners were "good for it" and mentally filled in the blanks for the big ticket items, when it fact it should have been the other way around and we all should have been asking the big questions first: Are you reliably there for me the way I'm there for you? Do you prove worthy of my trust? Do our life goals match up -- and not just because you say so, but because you act accordingly?

Well... I suppose things would be a lot easier if we could dial down the mental volume of sexual desire (unquestionably the motor behind all this justification and self-deception) and make more rational decisions. What a world that might be...

[Ad Meliora]

A lot of misery in modern dating, and definitely a lot of misery in these BPD relationships, stems from us misinterpreting these common "superficialities" as markers of true compatibility. For you, it was cars and Wonder Woman, for me it was baked goods and liking the same obscure Japanese music. Somehow, we extrapolated from these trivial, inconsequential things that our ex-partners were "good for it" and mentally filled in the blanks for the big ticket items, when it fact it should have been the other way around and we all should have been asking the big questions first: Are you reliably there for me the way I'm there for you? Do you prove worthy of my trust? Do our life goals match up -- and not just because you say so, but because you act accordingly?

I think if I gave me BPDx a week to come up with an answer like this (any form of self-reflection, actually) she would still be dumbfounded as to where to start.  She likely would've said "My cat ate my homework" and taken the "F" on the assignment.

Did I mention she was reeeeeeaaal good looking?  Oh, yeah, I did.

I'm sure you're right on this and what was mentioned on stable relationships.  It's hard to get to the "meat" of those other issues though.  Takes time, patience.  Who has that anymore!

Here was her answer when I asked "What do you like about me?" :  (Long Pause), "You have blue eyes...(Pause) and you like to garden."

Analyze that.  Mind you, she was a highly intelligent woman.  Before we finally fulfilled the sexual tension between us (took a month--she's terrible at cues) we would play 90's trivial pursuit until late.  She was good.  She got an obscure question right about Frank McCourt.  She prefaced it by saying things like, "It's that author from Ireland who wrote that famous book they turned into a movie...Frank McCourt".  I was dumbfounded as I knew who he was and I wouldn't have gotten it right.  I told her, "I don't think there's but a handful of people living in 5 square miles of us that could've gotten that right." (400,000 people maybe).

Quick, what do you like about me?...Ummmmm, ummmm. Ummm, you have hair? 

[Ad Meliora]

There were so many little ways in which he seemed to fatefully tie into my past – he once turned up to the lesson with the exact cake my mother had always baked, used an expression my first love used to use, and so on and so forth – he seemed like all the people I had ever loved, all the goodness in my life, rolled into one.

I've been thinking on this part, Sappho, as I experienced the same.  I saw my BPDex as an amalgam of all the best of my former partners rolled into one.  I'm not sure how this formed, exactly, but this is one thing that kept me stuck to her.  And then on top of it all I thought she was beautiful!  Now it probably should be noted generally I don't focus just on looks and don't think they are necessarily all that important to having a good long-term relationship.  It's what the person is all about that matters.  I found all of my former romantic partners to be beautiful in one way or another.  I actually think all women are beautiful in their own way.

Even if I was impressed with the looks of my BPDex it was all just a veneer to cover her personality and couldn't make up for any of it.  If I would show others a picture, they never seemed all that impressed.  Mostly, "Meh, she looks like a fun girl" and she could be.

This "amalgam" though, got me to think and do all kinds of crazy things to win her over.  I even was considering marrying her, an institution I had sworn off completely 20 years prior.  So I was all turned around on my priorities, my values, and what actions I should take around her.

[ILMBPDC]

The truth is, people are endlessly complex in their respective compositions and experiences, and I'd now wager the bet that you could pick a random stranger off of the street and find almost as many random commonalities with them as we did with our respective exes (though common interests obviously somewhat increase the amount of overlap).

I'm not so sure about that...in my nearly 47 years of being alive and single, he was literally the first person I met that I felt I actually had so many things in common with, who actually understood what was going on in my head - to the point that I started believing in soulmates.  On the other hand, I'm still trying to figure out how much of it was true and how much was mirroring. Sigh.

My last therapy session was all about how I don't "fit in" with societies expectations in a lot of things and being a strong (usually) independent women often alienates men. It's caused a lot of issues for me in my middle age now, this feeling of complete and utter loneliness, and I think I was just ripe for him to take advantage of that.

[ILMBPDC]

This "amalgam" though, got me to think and do all kinds of crazy things to win her over.  I even was considering marrying her, an institution I had sworn off completely 20 years prior.  So I was all turned around on my priorities, my values, and what actions I should take around her.

God, I was considering trying to have more kids with him, because he wanted them (and is younger than me and in that prime "wanting a family" age) - I'm nearly 47 and have a 23 year old daughter. I don't want to start over!  But for him, I would have. God, I feel like an idiot, looking back

[Ad Meliora]

Yeah, ILM may be right on it being more than frequency illusion, but I do see that point too.  You know ILM I read your thread here about the break-up a couple months back, and while I can clearly see your love for him and how real that is I don't get the impression that it was "real" for him.  Just sending texts that sound good isn't a real relationship, who knows where he was pulling content from and it makes it easier for him to act the part, if that's what he was doing--who knows.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350137.msg13149608#msg13149608

The point is, I created the narrative that my BPDx was the "perfect match". Whatever my ex intimated (led me to believe, etc...) in our conversations and interactions, I created the story.  I made her my "true love". I made her the central character, no one put a gun to my head to do it.  I did of my own free will (and poor judgement maybe) 

Since I created my love story from bits and pieces and a convincing backstory.  I can "uncreate" it, and that's what I'm doing.  It was a joke, a facade, a con, a fabrication, a wild and intense delusion that took me for a ride.  It's over now, I can dust myself off and say "Holy crap, don't want to do that again!".  And I can make that a reality.

For the record ILM my BPDex was 48 when I met her (more than a year older than me).  I thought she was a strong, independent woman and I found that attractive about her.  Turns out, nothing could be further from the truth on that front as she was completely dependent on her family for support and a regular dose of emotional drama to make the upheaval of her life seem ok.

So this 30 something guy didn't understand the human basics of childbearing? Jesseshh.  He's the idiot!

[ILMBPDC]

Yeah, ILM may be right on it being more than frequency illusion, but I do see that point too.  You know ILM I read your thread here about the break-up a couple months back, and while I can clearly see your love for him and how real that is I don't get the impression that it was "real" for him. 

Its so hard to say, in the love bombing/idealization phase it seemed real for him. It was real, until I broke my idealized form by pointing out that I likely wouldn't be getting pregnant naturally at my age. I  can 100% trace his change in attitude toward me to that conversation.

Just sending texts that sound good isn't a real relationship, who knows where he was pulling content from and it makes it easier for him to act the part, if that's what he was doing--who knows.

Honestly I'm not so sure - 1, he's a millennial, pretty well known for texting 2, our in person conversations weren't any different in content or tone and 3, I, too, prefer texting...a lot of introverts do.

The point is, I created the narrative that my BPDx was the "perfect match". Whatever my ex intimated (led me to believe, etc...) in our conversations and interactions, I created the story.  I made her my "true love". I made her the central character, no one put a gun to my head to do it.  I did of my own free will (and poor judgement maybe) 

Yeah I did the same - I took his words and created a narrative in my head that we were so compatible, so perfect for each other. When he started to pull away I thought if I could just remind him of how perfect we were together he would come back. I know a lot of it was my own doing. Granted, he started it with the love bombing and empty promises but I created the fantasy. I even said this after he first discarded me, that I had built our relationship up in my head and that is why his casual discard was so painful. (that was part of it, true, but it was also painful because right up until the discard I had no indication he was done with me)

So this 30 something guy didn't understand the human basics of childbearing? Jesseshh.  He's the idiot!

Yeah I thought it was a little weird - he was married for 7 years and had a kid with her and there was a lot of missing knowledge there that surprised me.  He once said something about how "it wasn't a real marriage" because she was a narcissist (was she?  who knows, she wasn't diagnosed...on the other hand narcissists and BPDs often end up together)

[ILMBPDC]

Its so hard to say, in the love bombing/idealization phase it seemed real for him. It was real, until I broke my idealized form by pointing out that I likely wouldn't be getting pregnant naturally at my age. I  can 100% trace his change in attitude toward me to that conversation.

Funny story: After dating and discarding the woman he was with after me, he suddenly wasn't sure he wanted kids, including the one he had (WTF, right? - this is because the woman he had just dated was a world traveler and he wanted to be able to do that unencumbered)
Since that was the whole reason he dumped me (he told me "it was the kid thing" when I straight out asked him why) I naively thought I had a chance, which led to 2 more months of being strung along until the final discard.

[WhatToDo47]

I can relate to all of this, but especially the part about our ex seeming like an amalgam of all the previous ones. I thought many times about how my ex seemed to be the best parts of my previous ones, all rolled into a beautiful, fun package. How wrong I was. Now I wonder how much of this was mirroring, and how many of my exes had PDs, I know at least 3 for sure. Guess it’s on my now to figure out why I’m attracting and tolerating these people. I might start a new thread on the amalgam illusion. It’s interesting and seems common. Thanks all!

[PearlsBefore]

Difficult question in some ways because I never claimed to be in love with her or anything; she knew it was a pragmatic marriage based on - among other things - her claiming after several years of me refusing to become romantically entangled with her, that she now had a terminal illness. (Fool me once, right guys?).

But on a "why did I take care of her as a friend" level, I'd say it was a combination of (1) the loyalty I feel towards all homeschoolers I find in tough spots, and (2) I was tired of apologising to friends for the fact my family of origin had some serious mental health problems and she was the first person I'd EVER met that I could confidently say had a family of origin with even more complications, and (3) my family of origin meant I was one of the few people who could stand to be around her and thus it felt like obligation on me to help where others couldn't or wouldn't.

[WhatToDo47]

Difficult question in some ways because I never claimed to be in love with her or anything; she knew it was a pragmatic marriage based on - among other things - her claiming after several years of me refusing to become romantically entangled with her, that she now had a terminal illness. (Fool me once, right guys?).

But on a "why did I take care of her as a friend" level, I'd say it was a combination of (1) the loyalty I feel towards all homeschoolers I find in tough spots, and (2) I was tired of apologising to friends for the fact my family of origin had some serious mental health problems and she was the first person I'd EVER met that I could confidently say had a family of origin with even more complications, and (3) my family of origin meant I was one of the few people who could stand to be around her and thus it felt like obligation on me to help where others couldn't or wouldn't.

I can relate. My ex pretended to have so many illnesses, or maybe convinced herself that she did, which have now magically vanished now that she discarded me. I also felt like I was pretty much the only one who could tolerate her and be stable enough to help her. Codependency at its finest.