What are the rules in your dysfunctional family? How would you change the rules?

[zachira]

I am seeing family for first time in two years. I am discovering that the large extended family is unwavering in its rigid rules. Some of the rules:
1) No open conflict is to be shown. Anyone who expresses the slightest discomfort or disapproves of the mistreatment of others is scorned, and all efforts are made to put this member back into their place.
2) People have assigned roles. The scapegoats are expected to take the blame for other members' dysregulated emotions. The golden children can do no wrong no matter how much they abuse their own children and others.
3) Interactions are superficial. Feigned happiness and connection are the norm when family gets together. It all seems fake and there seem to be no real deep feelings of love and respect for others.
Just a few rules from my extended family and Family of Origin. What are yours? What new rules would you write and what new rules have you applied when you have had your own family?

[madeline7]

My family has the very same rules. And the rules have always revolved around walking on eggshells so you don't upset the PWB.
If BPDm is in a good mood, do not do anything to upset her.
If BPDm is in a bad mood, do not do anything to upset her.
Always about the toxic family member, always enabling her.
And of course it doesn't matter what you do, because she will always be upset regardless of what has been said or not.
A lose lose situation anyway you look at it.

[Teabunny]

Dysfunctional rules:

• all communication in my immediate family goes through BPDm, or else we upset her
• agree with whatever BPDm says about you, even if it's untrue (regarding your favorite things or identity) or else we upset her and she brings flying monkeys
• the child receiving gifts or tuition for high school from their father is an offense to BPDm (money should only be spent on her, but spending money on her also upsets her)
• complete obedience to BPDm and her reality; do not question her mental health; all her abuse must be tolerated, and we are not allowed to talk about the instances with each other or outsiders; we must refer to her BPD behaviors as "she's upset"
• there are very few physical or emotional boundaries or privacy and you can't insist on having them

Ultimate rule #1: Just don't upset her, and it'll be someone else's fault if she gets upset.

I would change these to be essentially the opposite. For instance, all of us could have our own identities and tastes, and communicate freely with each other instead of adopting the BPDm's identity and tastes and having to communicate with each other only through her or when she's present.

[Notwendy]

Our rules were similar to these. In addition to the rules, there was the penalty.

Even in our courts of law, the penalty needs to be proportional to the crime. Stealing is illegal but the judge decides the penalty. A kid taking a candy bar out of a store isn't given the same sentence as a someone robbing a bank.

However, growing up, the slightest offense was as if we committed the crime of the century and it was not to be forgotten.

One main rule though was "the rules don't apply to BPD mother". She could say and do anything and we were expected to not do anything about it and also to pretend it never happened.

Another one was to be silent about it, and to maintain that mother is normal. Saying otherwise was forbidden.

If I could change one rule it would be the secrecy. Maybe if someone had explained mental illness to us as kids ( once we were old enough to comprehend) we would have perceived things differently.