Is there a word for this feeling?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

When I remember certain things about my ex, I get waves of this physical feeling that I felt so often when I was with her. My heart pounds and it feels like acid pumping around my chest, almost like butterflies but higher up. Moths, ugly heavy moths. I think for the entire relationship I felt this to varying degrees. I don't have a word for it. I think I was probably confusing this feeling for love.

Now when I think back I got this feeling when:

- I received texts or calls from her
- I was parked in my car waiting to pick her up
- When we made plans
- Any time I was about to see her and didn't know what was coming
- Whenever something happened that might set her off
- I was experiencing some kind of psychological or emotional abuse

Anyway, it's a gross feeling, and it's definitely not love.

Does anyone else relate? What is it?

[IntoTheWind]

When I remember certain things about my ex, I get waves of this physical feeling that I felt so often when I was with her. My heart pounds and it feels like acid pumping around my chest, almost like butterflies but higher up. Moths, ugly heavy moths. I think for the entire relationship I felt this to varying degrees. I don't have a word for it. I think I was probably confusing this feeling for love.

Now when I think back I got this feeling when:

- I received texts or calls from her
- I was parked in my car waiting to pick her up
- When we made plans
- Any time I was about to see her and didn't know what was coming
- Whenever something happened that might set her off
- I was experiencing some kind of psychological or emotional abuse

Anyway, it's a gross feeling, and it's definitely not love.

Does anyone else relate? What is it?

[Ad Meliora]

The word you're looking for is Addiction.  We think of it as physical substances, but your BPDex is a physical substance, why can't you get addicted to a person?

The rush of hormones and brain chemicals can be the same.  I'm thinking of Serotonin and Dopamine but there's others that Harvard researchers have identified when a person falls in love.  That's normal and when you're with a Non (normal person) they feel the same about you and reciprocate your love and you bond.  Your BPDex has a personality disorder, things aren't working right.  You think she feels the same about you, but she doesn't.  Instead of love, you get abuse, and feel toyed with.  It's awful.  I was there.  I was addicted.  I still feel pangs over a year later.  It still hurts, and I feel like a fool for letting it happen.

At one point my BPDex (in the middle of our relationship) sent me a photo of her in a sexy superhero outfit.  She was 700 miles away and I wasn't going to see her for weeks.  I actually physically hurt for hours.  A pit in my stomach, a pounding in my head.  I wasn't going to be able to get my "fix" of her for weeks and here I was being taunted.

I'm a "cold turkey" kind of guy.  There's nothing fancy about addiction and there's nothing fancy about how to end it.  There's also nothing easy about it.

I haven't read one single thread here that reads, "Oh yeah, my BPDex...psssh...it was a piece of cake breaking it off!"  (Although I could imagine maybe the folks with BPD may write that).

From what you've written I have had similar feelings and experiences.  As far as answers, I don't have those, just lamentations.

[poppy2]

When I remember certain things about my ex, I get waves of this physical feeling that I felt so often when I was with her. My heart pounds and it feels like acid pumping around my chest, almost like butterflies but higher up. Moths, ugly heavy moths. I think for the entire relationship I felt this to varying degrees. I don't have a word for it. I think I was probably confusing this feeling for love.

Now when I think back I got this feeling when:

- I received texts or calls from her
- I was parked in my car waiting to pick her up
- When we made plans
- Any time I was about to see her and didn't know what was coming
- Whenever something happened that might set her off
- I was experiencing some kind of psychological or emotional abuse

Anyway, it's a gross feeling, and it's definitely not love.

Does anyone else relate? What is it?

hey, I can definitely relate. I get these post-trausmtic flashes of fear over very little reminders/associations now, and I believe I began to feel that in the relationship long before things ended, but just couldn't really acknowledge it to myself. For me it's fear-based but as Ad Meliora says the brain chemistry of addiction plays a bit role too.

[Cromwell]

Its called anxiety and likely producing an acid reflux

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi IntoTheWind, 

It's possible that any of the words shared may apply. Only you will know what rings a bell of recognition for you.

Is it possible that you are also experiencing some hyper-vigilance? That's a feeling that I often had which accompanied fear. Our brains file away so many things, including past experiences, the emotions and our responses. When encountering another situation that is similar to those past experiences, our brain quickly shuffles through our memory files to look for how we responded previously. Since you have gone through the list of things that bring about this "feeling" you have, I wonder if your brain isn't finding those things triggering?

Wools