I’m just so sad….

[Snow80]

Today is my little brother’s 41st birthday.  And it’s been 5 months since any of us have talked to him. I know nothing I can say can change anything about the situation and the only way we’ve been able to go on is to basically function like he’s gone forever.
There’s nothing to do and I don’t see anything changing, but it hurts so bad.  I miss my brother so much and never thought he would be ok never talking to us ever again….

[Notwendy]

Snow,

It's ok to feel sad, please take care of you. It's OK to grieve the situation.

"Never thought he'd be OK"

He's not OK. I felt the same way about my father. My BPD mother was angry at me and basically ruined our relationship. I couldn't believe he'd allow this- his own child. But he did and I wondered how.

Understanding the Karpman triangle helped. A couple is most stable when both are bonded together looking outward at a common enemy. IMHO, the person who has BPD takes the victim perspective, their partner is the rescuer. They are bonded against a "persecutor".  This has nothing to do with you. There needs to be a persecutor to blame so she isn't blamed.

Doing my own work on co-dependency, it helped to see this as a form of addiction. What does an addict do? They will use alcohol or drugs, or something else, even to the detriment of their own well being and their family, because they are addicted to it. One can become addicted to the emotional drama of such a relationship. It doesn't mean the addict is OK. It's that they continue to choose the addictive substance over anything else.

You are correct, there's nothing you can do, but it isn't because of you. It's that your brother, and only your brother, can make the decision to change. If you step in to try to "rescue" - you will find yourself as persecutor on the triangle.

As hard as it is to not contact him, remember that choices have consequences and the consequence of his choice is losing his extended family. It's his birthday and he won't hear from you. That's his doing, not yours. As long as he knows how to reach you, he has the ability to do that. He's a grown adult, he can pick up the phone. I don't think this is harsh on your part.

I know it's sad and it is hard to deal with. I loved my father and was shocked at his decision. But I also understood what he was dealing with with my BPD mom. On the relationship board, you will see this is a common pattern with the spouses feeling unable to contact their families due to how their partners react. Some even describe their situation as a trauma bond, or Stockholm like situation. Yet, I think it's also important to not see your brother as a victim. He has a part in this too.

I perceived my father as a victim until I began to understand co-dependency. Since I also had to work on this, I could also see him through a lens of forgiveness. It's a difficult situation but a co-dependent is not a victim. They can choose to change, albeit they may need the support of a therapist or 12 step group or other support. Your brother is an adult and he has the choice to pick up the phone, email you, or text you. Likely his wife is monitoring his calls and emails. But he could even buy a phone without an account and keep it in his car or at work. He may feel he's "not allowed to call" but he can.

My father would say "mother won't let me" as an excuse. "Mother won't let me buy you this item you want" and I look back and think that what I wanted as a kid cost all of $5 and he was the wage earner in the family and we could have afforded it.  No- the reason is that BPD mom might see it, ask where I got it and find out Dad bought me something and pitch a fit and he'd have to deal with her. I could not do that. As his kid, I had no power, and also, not having BPD, I would not have pitched a fit. So, the way to avoid her pitching a fit was to say no to me.

Was he OK with this? I don't think it's a matter of being OK. It was a choice to keep the peace and he was probably already stressed with all he was doing and couldn't deal with any more. Just like it was probably not a big deal to spend $5 for something your child wants, it's not that hard for your brother to pick up the phone and call you. The problem is, if his wife finds out, she will likely pitch a fit. He's not choosing to hurt you, he's choosing to keep the peace.

He's not OK, he's trying to survive in a tough situation.

I am sorry for the hurt this causes families, and for your family. Take care of you. I hope one day your brother gains some clarity but for now, please take care of you. Don't take his actions personally.

[Snow80]

Notwendy,
Thank you so much for your reply and all the reminders about his situation.  He’s been with her for 12 years and it’s obvious to see the patterns.  I think that this last no contact has really made us realize how we fit into their relationship through the Karpman triangle.

I think his birthday falling ok 9/11 and to top it all, last night I found out a former student died by suicide.  I think it was all just too much for me, so I sat with my grief.  Thinking that something could happen to any of us and we aren’t talking…..

My sister and I usually go through all the things we want to say to our brother, and by the end of our conversation, we come to the same realization everytime, he’s there through his own choices and we can’t get back in the drama with them anymore - it’s toxic for us.

I know anytime he posts on Facebook gushing about how amazing his wife is that things aren’t really ok….and know that we were the scapegoat for him to get out of whatever situation he was in last.

I appreciate all the boards here on this site so much - thank you for sharing your stories. It is nice to know we’re not the only ones going through this.
Snow

[Notwendy]

I suspect the FB show is somehow driven by her. BPD mom would insist on this kind of thing as some kind of atonement and also she likes it when people praise her to others. It struck me as odd when my father did this kind of thing. He wasn't on FB, but would proclaim how wonderful she was. Sure, I would like my H to think I'm a great wife, but I would not want him to put things like that on social media. It would embarrass me.

Also, my mother and father shared one email. My father would write the emails to me, but she could read all emails between us. I wonder if it's actually your brother who is making these posts, or his wife makes them. When two people are enmeshed, boundaries are blurred.

One thing I noticed, that I didn't before, is that when my mother is being critical, she sounds just like my father did and says the same things in the same way. I don't know if she's saying what he said, or if he said things she would say. I know that over time, married people resemble each other in ways, but they do sound so similar.

I have read a lot about romantic relationships and how we match our partners emotionally in ways. Somehow your brother and sister in law are a matched pair. He may not be happy in the situation but somehow it meets his needs as much as it meets hers, otherwise, he would not put up with it. From what I could see, I don't think my mother treated my father well and don't know why he put up with this. I know he resisted it at first - they used to argue, but then later, he would just give in. I think he must have just gotten tired of the conflict. But in other ways, he was completely focused on her and her needs, she was the center of his attention.

I know it's hard for you to see this and feel the loss of the relationship.