HELP PLEASE

[Seekingpeace143]

Sorry, I’m not very familiar with message boards… So not sure I’m doing this right.

I’m married to the best partner a guy could ask for.  But she has many BPD symptoms and it’s getting to the point (trajectory we are on) where I question if it’s safe for us to be together.  I am an optimist that my wife would benefit from DBT but she has made it clear that while counseling might be OK for me… It’s not OK for her.  She does not think she has a problem.  If she is unwilling to get the help required to give us a chance at what I truly believe would be the best marriage ever, I fear our marriage might end.  She does not know the research I’ve been doing about BPD etc.  I need help or advise on how to present to her that she (we) need help if we are going to continue.  I was referred to a therapist who specializes in this, and have reached out to her.  How do I ask her or let her know this?  She does not know I’m nearing the end and that I dont know how I can continue without her (us) getting professional help. 
Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

hello and welcome seekingpeace143,

You've take a good step in reaching out and posting here.    There are a lot of members who have been where you are now and have a wealth of experience to share.

to simply answer your question:

I need help or advise on how to present to her that she (we) need help if we are going to continue.  

you move slowly.    very slowly.    

now for the longer answer.     for most of us here, when we found the BPD answer,  we felt enormous relief, and maybe a touch of excitement.    a desire to immediately share our early information with the idea of 'now things can start to get better'.    more than a few members have done that, only to find our partners not receptive or even down right angry.     which of course is understandable.    no one takes well to the news of I've found out what is wrong with you and how you can fix it.    its a bitter pill to swallow.   many people with mental illness are resistant to therapy.

you've made a good step in seeking out a therapist.    make an appointment and go yourself.    its important to have as much support for you.   professional support is crucial.    in this you can model the way for your wife.     be honest.    keep it simple.     don't get trapped in endless discussions with your wife about what you are doing or why.

you said it may not be safe for you and your wife to stay together?     can you say more about that?    

how does this sound for an early approach?

'ducks

[Seekingpeace143]

Dangerous in that she can very very quickly get violent and or destructive.  I understand go slow.  The issue is that she is away at her parents now and over the phone or FaceTime, I need to present to her very specific and hard boundaries (for the first time- all other boundaries were weak and ignored) AND let her know that I have found professional help.  I need to know if she’s willing to go and start the process or not.  If not, we need to come up with separation plan... which will suck beyond suck. 

[alterK]

A lot of BPD behavior is fear-based. If you can keep that in mind, it may help you. BPD people often prefer the familiar, even if it’s saturated with conflict, to any kind of change, which they may find terrifying. Of course your W will blame you for everything. That’s usually a combination of fear that by admitting any responsibility of her own she will discover that she is a terrible person--this being part of black-and-white thinking that prevents her from understanding shared responsibility--and very poor problem-solving skills in a close relationship. My W is good at problem-solving at work or in other non-intimate situations. I’ve seen her do it. At home she’s almost helpless, and if we are to make any progress I have to guide her with utmost care. I try to make her feel she’s in control, so as not to trigger panic/anger responses.

This isn’t easy! Good that you are reaching out, reading, getting a therapist. If you want to stay with your W you will have to struggle to understand that, while you aren’t responsible for making her the kind of person she is, you may still be doing things that trigger her problem behaviors. And you have to teach yourself a lot of patience.

You’ll find it written many times, here and in books, that you can’t change another person, you can only change yourself. Actually, that may not be 100% accurate. All of use (this includes me) are hoping that our s/o’s behavior toward us will change. What may be more correct is that you can’t get another person to change by asking them to. All you can do is change your behavior, and hope that will eventually result in an improvement in the way your partner treats you.

[NonnyMouse]

I understand go slow.  The issue is that she is away at her parents now and over the phone or FaceTime, I need to present to her very specific and hard boundaries (for the first time- all other boundaries were weak and ignored) AND let her know that I have found professional help.  I need to know if she’s willing to go and start the process or not.  If not, we need to come up with separation plan... which will suck beyond suck. 

How long have you been together? How long have you suspected BPD? And how much reading have you done?

I don't like the sound of your plan! If this then that...That's too logical! From now on for the near future it should be about empathising, understanding, recognising patterns of behavior.

I'm a relative newbie here, although I like to think I'm a fast learner...With my uBPDw I started with noJADEing, lots of Medium Chill. That calmed things down very quickly. Even getting the right facial expressions can help! I'm just starting on SET (Support, Empathy, Truth). And I haven't really got anywhere near boundary setting. Maybe it's different for everyone. My w started going to therapy without me asking her. (To have asked would have destroyed all the other good work.) I'm hoping that this therapist knows about BPD. If she does then I'm hopeful that things will get even better.

Sorry, that was a bit al over the place. I guess I'm saying don't be hasty, and try to understand how she thinks (she won't understand you for some time, maybe never fully).