2 Years of Relationship Living together with my Ex's child came to end

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 

Hi, my (im male 36 yrs old) girlfriend (26 yrs old) of two years has been recently diagnosed with traits of BPD, and for many months there has been recurring fights out of jealousy and her insecurities that all of the time has been only ideas on her head (she moved with me and she has found between old books a picture of my exgirlfriend, on one old suitcase a letter for me from an ex and yesterday in a violation of my privacy for many times, she looked into my emails and found an email from before we started dating of pictures on my ex again) that detonated the most violent fight we've had, she started throwing things, hitting herself on her forehead, screaming and I had to scream for help of my neighbor who saw the episode my partner was having.

She left the house, and came back around 4 am drunk (she was sober for 9 months) and starting talking about how much she loves me, and sometimes she switched to being angry for seconds and then trying to control herself, I asked her to go to sleep to the other room that we couldnt be together for obvious reasons. She went to bed, as soon as I woke up I left my house, when I came back an hour ago she was getting ready to go out and leaving a letter, a photo from us and a postcard I gave her a year ago... saying that she was thankful for everything Ive done for her and her daugther.

Here is the main issue I need help or counseling... she has a 3 year old daughter, who has been living in my house with us for the past 2 years, she calls me dad, she loves me and i'm one of her safe places (when her mommy gets angry with her she runs to me everytime)... her biological father left them when she was 6 months old, and she was living with her grandma and grandpa (mother side) until we starting dating and my partner started trying to step up and being a mother.

Im clueless as to what should I do, it hurts deeply knowing this will cause some kind of trauma to the girl, and I need counseling on what should be the best, healthiest thing I can do to help minimize the impact this will have on the child. She is one of the sweetest human beings i've known.

My partner (now ex) left a while ago but only with a small backpack which makes me think she will be back, I dont even wanna be at my home but dont know that to do.

Thank you very much, hopefully someone can give me words of wisdom or ways to find more strength right now.

[GreenGiant]

 

Hi, my (im male 36 yrs old) girlfriend (26 yrs old) of two years has been recently diagnosed with traits of BPD, and for many months there has been recurring fights out of jealousy and her insecurities that all of the time has been only ideas on her head (she moved with me and she has found between old books a picture of my exgirlfriend, on one old suitcase a letter for me from an ex and yesterday in a violation of my privacy for many times, she looked into my emails and found an email from before we started dating of pictures on my ex again) that detonated the most violent fight we've had, she started throwing things, hitting herself on her forehead, screaming and I had to scream for help of my neighbor who saw the episode my partner was having.

She left the house, and came back around 4 am drunk (she was sober for 9 months) and starting talking about how much she loves me, and sometimes she switched to being angry for seconds and then trying to control herself, I asked her to go to sleep to the other room that we couldnt be together for obvious reasons. She went to bed, as soon as I woke up I left my house, when I came back an hour ago she was getting ready to go out and leaving a letter, a photo from us and a postcard I gave her a year ago... saying that she was thankful for everything Ive done for her and her daugther.

Here is the main issue I need help or counseling... she has a 3 year old daughter, who has been living in my house with us for the past 2 years, she calls me dad, she loves me and i'm one of her safe places (when her mommy gets angry with her she runs to me everytime)... her biological father left them when she was 6 months old, and she was living with her grandma and grandpa (mother side) until we starting dating and my partner started trying to step up and being a mother.

Im clueless as to what should I do, it hurts deeply knowing this will cause some kind of trauma to the girl, and I need counseling on what should be the best, healthiest thing I can do to help minimize the impact this will have on the child. She is one of the sweetest human beings i've known.

My partner (now ex) left a while ago but only with a small backpack which makes me think she will be back, I dont even wanna be at my home but dont know that to do.

Thank you very much, hopefully someone can give me words of wisdom or ways to find more strength right now.

[formflier]

So...a lot to sort out here.

Do you have any legal obligations to the child? 

Do you have a trusted therapist you can talk through some of these matters?

Best,

FF

[EZEarache]

Wow Green Giant, that's a lot to deal with. I'm sorry that you have had to experience a dysregulation of this magnitude.

I agree with formflyer that you should get a trained couples therapist to talk to through this. I think it's amazing that you are being so considerate of the repercussions for the child. Be careful, not to let the concern for the child, enable your ex to manipulate you, into putting your own needs secondary. From my experience, your ex may start telling you, "You only care about yourself," once you stop being her emotional doormat. Don't fall for it. BPDs are masters at manipulation, through the use of blame shifting and projection. There's always a semblance of truth to it, and you can get suckered into a sense of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). It seems like you may fall prey to some serious emotional abuse if you are already exhibiting justified concern for her daughter's well being.

I think you should talk to your neighbor, and see if they are willing to write you an email of what they observed, in case she continues to dysregulate. It may be necessary to put the child in protective services to prevent any emotional abuse. Documentation from your neighbor's third party observations may help with this. This may also help to get your ex fully diagnosed so that she can receive the treatment she needs.

[ForeverDad]

I wondering whether you have potential advocates who could support you and your parenting.

Likely you've had contact with her parents.  Are they supportive of you?  Have they, over time, shown that they're reasonably normal people?  How much would they support you versus their daughter?  I ask because sometimes blood (family loyalty) is thicker than water.

Also, the father is not parenting.  Why is he a no show parent?  Was he driven away by the mother's antics?  If in some way her parenting were reduced, would he, if a reasonably normal man, be supportive of you?  (This is totally theoretical, just putting the question out there.)

The reality is that legally you're not the little girl's parent.  Perhaps in the category of an unofficial step parent, maybe.  So probably there's only so much you can do at this point.

[GreenGiant]

Thank you SO MUCH for your replies I thought no one would reply.

First a quick update: I didnt know for sure if she was going back to the house but I suspected she was since she only took a little backpack, and according to my neighbor she posted on her social media she was in a lagoon with some friends. I didnt feel safe or ready to engage in any kind of interaction with her and I did want to be outside my house not sleeping there, but when I was getting some clothes to leave she got home, we didnt say anything and it was super awkward, I just left and went to a hotel to spend the night. I went to work today, I called her daughter to say good morning (she was still with her grandma), and grandma asked me if we were going to pick up the child today which let me know my ex hasnt talked her with her parents at least 4 hours ago.

I dont want to go home in order to avoid a fight or violence, it makes me really anxious and nervous so I will take my therapy and then go home, regardless shes is there or isnt and have the closure.

To reply the comments im not sure how to, but I will reply here:

Formflier: I do not have any legal obligations to the child I took care of her and paid for school, health, food, etc..., and I do have a therapist I will see in a couple of hours actually.

EZEarache: Thank you I just learned about the word dysregulation and this has been the most violent but is not a first, and they have been all caused by same thing, she sees something from my past and deeply believes it is something I "hide from her" because im obssessed with my exes, which is not true at all. All has been circumstancial like photos inside old and forgotten books, and emails from months before our relationship. I have an option for couples therapist and had been trying to go with her but she always refused, until  2 nights ago but 2 hours before* that was the big fight I posted here. Im really afraid of falling to manipulations and is one of reasons I didnt want to go my home, knowing she is still there. My neighbor has been supportive and she has pictures of the bites in my hand.

ForeverDad: Yes, everybody support my parenting, even my ex's parents. I havent talked to them about the break up, only this morning with her mom but she was clueless. They are supportive, the problem is they dont understand their daughter (my ex) has BPD, they dont believe that exists and they're really hard on her sometimes in an abusive way, whenever she is having emotion issues they scream at her nasty, once I even heard stuff like " you're crazy, you're schizophrenic, we are going to take the child from you, you're worthless ", they're lovely and really kind with their grandaughter but not really to my ex (it really hurts her and cried at times saying she didnt know why they were so mean to her) About the biological parent, he had problems with the law and was involved in domestic violence with my ex, apparently he broke her hand once, and then he left the country for problems with law regarding stuff I really dont know.
------

Of course I can keep talking about her but Im trying now to focus on my well being and mental health as well, but if any of you have any recommendations by experience of things I can do to make things easier for the three of us please let me know. I feel broken knowing the child will suffer a lot. Since im not sure her mom is able to be a single mom and live with her, she is in a really bad spot right now (no saved money, no house, no job) and eventho is not my problem I feel really bad about that and I want to help her just dont know how...

I feel better reading you replies, again, thank you kind strangers from the internet.

[GreenGiant]

Sorry just realized the subject is wrong since it doesnt make too much sense... it is "Living together with my ex's child". Is there a way to correct it?

[Turkish]

Sorry just realized the subject is wrong since it doesnt make too much sense... it is "Living together with my ex's child". Is there a way to correct it?

Sure,   Done.

She bit your hand? Did you document it? Domestic violence can often turn against you, especially if you're male.

Her parents' words to her are unfortunate. Whether she grew up hearing that, or if it's recent, things like that validate how a pwBPD feels about themselves internally (that they're worthless).

How did the session with your counselor go?

Given that you've experienced violence, it's good to have a safety plan:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

I think reaching out to the parents might be good, but I'd be wary. You might inadvertently support their quest to take the child and trigger more anger from her mom.

You obviously love the daughter, but tread wisely.

[GreenGiant]

Thank you Turkish,

Update: Everything went well on therapy with me, I have not gone to my house yet. Neighbor adviced me not to since she talked to my ex earlier, she is still in my house and she is still upset, so it might escalate again if she sees me. 

Apparently she did speak with her parents earlier and asked if she could go stay with them, but hey refused and according to my friend they told her "she cant go there, they cant deal with her being crazy and that they would take legal action to take the child from her, that the only reason they let them have the child was because she was with me and im stable", which is really unfortunate and sad to hear. She has nowhere to go right now, I havent spoken to her yet and Im just wondering if it would be wise to go home right now, or wait until tomorrow. I have an inbox from ex mother in law, asking for me to call her, I havent done it yet.

I'm sad and feel useless and feel bad for the situation where are at, about how she must be feeling, but im too anxious and a bit scare to talk to her right now, don't wan't think to escalate but at the same time I feel really bad I can't be there to support her, she must be having a really bad time right now.

[Turkish]

Did your therapist have any useful advice?

If she has legal custody (it sounds like), then nothing can stop her from getting her daughter if she chooses to. They (GPs) may be right, but the situation seems weird. If you do answer, I'd be careful about volunteering too much information though you must be concerned for the daughter. It's sad that the daughter is caught in the middle of this, and it's hard for you having to legal standing.

Do you have other support other than the neighbor?

[ForeverDad]

A couple who I'd known for decades from my youth had a rebellious daughter, she had a child too.  The couple had to kick their daughter out, the hardest choice for them but they had no other choice.  They had their grandchild for quite a while but then the daughter married and being somewhat restrained from too much acting out, the daughter got her child back.  In the last few years the grandparents both deceased so I don't know how they're doing.  What I remember most is how grandpa set a firm red line that his daughter had to behave or else, hence she was cut off for years.

Your situation reminded me so much of theirs.  What amazed me was how firm he, the father of the problem daughter, was to set his Boundaries.

[formflier]

I'm also curious about what your therapist is advising.

One thing to remember, especially now that you have heard what parents have said...this isn't about you and not your "fault".

You do have a responsibility to make wise and healthy decisions.  Boundaries will likely be very important.

Best,

FF

[GreenGiant]

Therapist adviced to talk to the GPs and explain the situation without many details. To avoid contact with the child (this is destroying me) and to ask my ex to leave the house as soon as possible. To know that this isnt my fault (eventho I feel like "if I had done things differently... if I had not said something... etc" this would be different, which I know that is not the case but I havent been able to cope my feelings to let my body know that yet).

I just woke up and I will go home soon, not knowing what will happen, if she is still there and in which mental state she will be, just praying and hoping everything goes as smooth as possible without any violence from her part. For what I understand of persons that suffer with BPD, she is splitting and know she hates me eventho I really didnt do anything to her (Im pretty sure in her head I am the bad one, for my fault their parents want to take her child, for my fault she doesnt have a place to live, for my fault her life is miserable now, its my fault...) I dont have all the knowledge or tools to cope with that without feeling guilty, but still... need to do this. I havent talked to the GPs yet, I will later today.

Any advice is welcome.. thank you so much for your support. It really sucks loving someone that can be really hostile and aggresive towards you.

[EZEarache]

To know that this isnt my fault (eventho I feel like "if I had done things differently... if I had not said something... etc" this would be different, which I know that is not the case but I havent been able to cope my feelings to let my body know that yet).

I think everyone on this board has similar feelings. I've gone over in my head a thousand times, "I wish I had known about validation, I wish I could have controlled my reactions better."  It is a very difficult thing to come to terms with.

I was just thinking about my own situation this morning. My exwBPD who I am co-parenting with has really taken to challenging my mental faculties, lately. Both my memory and my sanity. She's figured out it's quite triggering for me, so she's started going full scale RAGE with it against me.  What I've been doing to combat the guilt and uncertainty that it instills
 is reminding myself continuously, "It's not me, it's her." I am in the fortunate situation where my therapist has been working with both of us, and he has been able to confirm her BPD diagnosis. Although, I don't think she is aware of her own diagnosis. 

It sounds like you don't have a therapist who has worked with her or experienced her bulls%^t first hand. It will probably be hard to get any validation about the diagnosis in this case. However, it sounds like you have an injured hand. Maybe you can look at the photos of it after it heals, and say to yourself, "That was some crazy shazoli she put me through. It wasn't me, it was her."

I still think documenting as much as possible is in order. If you are able to establish good rapport with her grandparents, maybe you can use your documentation to help them by filing for custody. This should help the granddaughter in the long term.

If you experience anymore severe violent dysregulation like that again, I suggest you get the authorities involved, and make sure to have your neighbor there as a witness to protect you. From my own experience, the police will take the mother's side if it's just your word against hers. If you can get her hospitalized it will help the grandparents gain custody.

[GreenGiant]

Thank you EZEarache.

I tried speaking to her about the need for her to leave the house, she says she needs this week and that next week she will figure it out what to do with her life. But that doesnt sound healthy, I suggested she should go to stay with her daughter and parents but for her is not an option (her mom spoke to me earlier and said they would welcome her but she needs to know they have rules on that house). When I suggested that she started raging "you're a piece of PLEASE READ, where am I going to go, I don't wanna be at the street, my parents dont want me in their house, I have no-where to go" eventho there is an empty apartment I own infront of our house and it was one option for her to stay a couple of days there (she refuses and says I should leave, which doesnt sounds right, it is my house after all).

I see everything is on its place in house, couple of family photos were tore apart, but all of her stuff and her child still on its place, she hasnt packed anything and when I mentioned that part "it is a mourning process I havent been able to cope with.. it is my family crumbling down, I need time" which makes sense, but I don't see intentions on moving today.

Im not sure what to do, I know we cant be together physically and it can be dangerous, I dont have the heart to just kick her out, and I dont think I should be staying outside my house, my neighbors were going out for holiday today but I asked them to stay, the plan was that I was going to go with them but the talk with my ex was long, and somehow reduntant. So they didnt go out and will stay to help me out if something happens but this cant keep on going.

Police is not an option, we live in a country where that doesnt work as it should, and that can make things worse for all of us.

She says that we should go to therapy for her daughter, which I agree, but... dont want to wait and pretend we can make this work at least for this week until she leaves, I dont think I can handle that.

My therapist saw her one time, and she referred it to a psychiatrist, my ex hates my therapist she even mentioned it today "you and your PLEASE READing therapist that doesnt even know me but tells you that you should end this" stuff like that.

[EZEarache]

Police is not an option, we live in a country where that doesnt work as it should, and that can make things worse for all of us.

I understand the sentiment, and share it even though the police more or less do work in my country. That's a really tough spot to be. It's great that you have such a good relationship with your neighbors and they are bending over backwards to help you. That won't last forever, though.

She says that we should go to therapy for her daughter, which I agree, but... dont want to wait and pretend we can make this work at least for this week until she leaves, I dont think I can handle that.

My therapist saw her one time, and she referred it to a psychiatrist, my ex hates my therapist she even mentioned it today "you and your PLEASE READing therapist that doesnt even know me but tells you that you should end this" stuff like that.

Yep, I had the same exact reaction from my ex. Sounds completely familiar. She hated my therapist from day one. Really every therapist, she's tried to work with. This is fairly common for BPDs from what I've read. The therapist challenges the BPD's meticulously created alternate reality. That doesn't go over well.




If you can't go to the police, I guess you'll have to work with her parents on this situation. It seems like they are pretty well versed in her behavior and antics. Maybe you guys can have some sort of intervention where they come over and help her pack or something. When the police can't be involved it's really difficult to find options. Is there a way to file a restraining order in the courts, or is that equally corrupt?

[kells76]

Some cities/states/countries have "crisis assistance teams", often for mental health/substance crises. I wonder if your area has something similar, and if they would be willing to do a "well check" when she comes back to pack up. Would be a step up from having her parents supervise her moving out, but not as much of an escalation as police. Maybe google something like "City State crisis assistance team" or "City State mobile crisis intervention" etc.

It's great you're thinking of ways to keep the emotional temperature down.

...

As you think about changing your relationship with her child, I wonder if you could create a scrapbook or something for her -- pictures of the two of you, positive phrases, memories, etc. Maybe leave it with the grandparents? It might help kiddo with how your presence in her life is transitioning, give her something tangible to hold on to and process. Nothing over the top (like "I miss you SOO much, I'm SOO sad we're not together", as that's too much adult emotion for a kid to hold); just low key but genuine positivity. It would give her the option of reaching back out to you when she's old enough to do so, without any pressure.

[GreenGiant]

Thank you for all your replies.

This past couple of days have been really exhausting.

EX was still in my house, yesterday she was acting really sweet and sane, saying we should do things right, and work for the family, she doesnt wanna get back together but want what is best for family. On september 18th was going to be our 2 year anniversary of living together, she asked for me to act on that day normal and go do something with her, celebrate it.

My answer, the same as before: no. We cannot and should not be together and you need to leave as soon as possible. She says she doesnt recognizes me, that im being mean, etc... Fast forward 1 hour later, I tried to slept on my room and she on the other room but she kept insisting in a sweet way to stay there with her to talk with her, to bond for a while, I said no and she was kind of mad but didnt say much, started calling me like 100 times, until I got out the room and told her to please stop, that I really needed to sleep and that everything is cool there was nothing else to talk about. She kept doing it and I had to leave, it was around 11 pm when I went downstairs to sleep on the sofa, around 2 am she was crying inconsolable and I heard she was watching videos of me singing to her daughter on her birthday... that broke my heart but I kept saying myself "be strong" so I put a pillow on my other ear and did my best to sleep.

At the morning she was really kind of mad but didnt say much... I went upstairs and she told me she spoke with her daughter, that she spoke with the school and they asked for the child to finish school there, that she was considering moving somewhere near so she could keep going to that school, which didnt make sense since she told me before her parents were going to take the child from her, and that she was going to need help packing her childs toys, clothes and pretty much everything, and that I should help her, I said of course, she said 2 pm, I said Ok.

At 2 pm, she got out the house and brought food and she was playing it all super cool, asking me to eat with her, and to please talk and accept therapy with her and child. But I was really in a position to say NO to whatever meant to try again, or anything I saw as manipulation... as soon as I started packing her child stuff I broke, I knew it was going to happen and I did control it but still, I broke. She saw that and asked me to see the photo album I made for her child since last year, that made it worse I said I wasnt ready and didnt want to do that, that i was torture for me but she kept pushing. I started packing some of her stuff on our -my- room as well, and she was broke into tears really sad asking me to please accept therapy and that it didnt have to be this way, that she was fighting for us, and that I should accept.. I said no for maybe the 20th time, and she flipped... " Im not gonna be begging you &^$^#, go &#&# yourself... " she went downstairs and started packing other toys, I was gonna help her and she got violent "leave my daughter's stuff alone.. do not touch that!..." I told her she was getting violent again.. and in that moment I left.

Neighbor was there, my ex called her name and she went there, someone came to pick her up and took maybe 30% of child toys, nothing else... it doesnt make too much sense.

In that momento when she left, I took many of her stuff, a bed, a table, a lot of clothes, make up, etc... to the apartment I have available infront of the house.. I sent a text from neighbor cellphone (i dont have how to comunicate since she broke mine) telling her something along the lines of "I fixed a room for you to sleep tonight on the apartment, many of your clothes are there but if you need anything, house is open" she replied "I will not sleep in your house again, I need a couple of days to get all my stuff out" no rage because it was my neighbors phone, but Im sure that would be different if it was from mine.

So thats the story. Now, i feel bad for everything, and just to think about the child breaks my heart, I havent been able to decide or know what to do regarding that.

My ex wanted family therapy but I said no... and she got really upset about that.

[Turkish]

GG,

I'm sure that was so much harder to deal with than what you wrote, but still I'm cringing... yet you did the right thing.

She made it clear that you two were over, yet still wanted to... what... for you to rescue her in therapy (though she likely doesn't see it that way)? I'm sorry for you to go through such pain, and the child, but I'm glad that you didn't agree.

My ex got me to get a couple's counselor even though she was leaving me. I resented such manipulation. I had a hope which was quickly dashed on the rocks and broken, if I did what she asked.

[GreenGiant]

Yes... A couple of weeks ago before the violent episode this weekend that really made decide to really break up, I told her that we should keep trying, that if things didnt work out I was gonna help her in everything and that one of the things we had to take into consideration was to go to a specialist for the child to mitigate the damage to her.

So now she says that, I feel guilty saying no, that when I told her all that sweet stuff I really meant it but that was before what happened this weekend, her eyes were death and I could see pain when she answered saying sometimes she cannot control the rage... I feel bad for deciding to stop trying eventho I know it is for the best. I feel like I am abonding her and that whatever bad happens to her right now It was in part because of me (drugs, alcohol, or anything bad that happens to her) she has said that in the past... that one of the things she was most scare of not being with me, was that I did know how to take care of her and she that she felt she needed me. She even said yesterday night " what happened with your words about always taking care of me'  and that stuff really puts me to think if she is right. I feel weak sometimes.

At moments it feels like I can forget about the bad stuff and endure to be with her and have great moments, knowing how to.. but still I know this is just my body and soon it will heal and also understand that I am better without her, as much as it hurts.

Do you have any tips, of things that may have work for you to cope with this feeling of me abandong her, of me abonding a child and breaking an incredible bond of love I had with the kid. I feel miserable right now.

She is suppose to come change clothes in 2 hours to go take a class and I dont know what will happen after her class. I feel like an asshole she kept saying "why does it have to be this way, why cant we just pack the things and do it together put music and go through that pain together, I know we love each other"

Agh, this sucks. Thank you for reading me and Im all eyes for your comments.

[ForeverDad]

I said no for maybe the 20th time, and she flipped... " I'm not gonna be begging you &^$^#, go &#&# yourself... "

This is why the relationship has failed.  She is emotionally and mentally volatile.  One moment she can be pleading, then next she can strike out with such painful words.  A reasonably normal person, such as yourself, would not do that as a pattern.

Surely this wasn't just once, it's a pattern with her.

asking me to please accept therapy

Be aware of a difference between therapy types.  I'm sure you're not against counseling for yourself, it really is helpful.  But couples therapy would probably be (1) a way to lure you back and/or (2) a one-sided Blamefest sooner or later.  It is wiser and fully within her power to seek therapy for herself, listen to practical guidance and apply it diligently in her life, likely for years.  That's what it would take, a personal journey she needs to choose for herself first.  And you can't do it for her.  Sadly, many just can't or won't do that.

[EZEarache]

So now she says that, I feel guilty saying no, that when I told her all that sweet stuff I really meant it but that was before what happened this weekend, her eyes were death and I could see pain when she answered saying sometimes she cannot control the rage... I feel bad for deciding to stop trying eventho I know it is for the best. I feel like I am abonding her and that whatever bad happens to her right now It was in part because of me (drugs, alcohol, or anything bad that happens to her) she has said that in the past... that one of the things she was most scare of not being with me, was that I did know how to take care of her and she that she felt she needed me. She even said yesterday night " what happened with your words about always taking care of me'  and that stuff really puts me to think if she is right. I feel weak sometimes.

This is an example of emotional abuse. She is using your senses of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to manipulate you, so that she can maintain power in the relationship. Don't fall victim to it.

Do you have any tips, of things that may have work for you to cope with this feeling of me abandong her, of me abonding a child and breaking an incredible bond of love I had with the kid. I feel miserable right now.

You are not abandoning her, you are protecting yourself. If she gets herself some help, which she probably won't, maybe you can work things out. However after physical abuse, you really need to protect yourself. She bit you this last time. Next time, maybe she'll attack you with a knife.

Let her parents know that if their grandchild wants you as a mentor, you are available to do that, provided there is no contact with your ex.

It's not you, it's her. Try not to fall for the FOG.

[Turkish]

She is suppose to come change clothes in 2 hours to go take a class and I dont know what will happen after her class. I feel like an asshole she kept saying "why does it have to be this way, why cant we just pack the things and do it together put music and go through that pain together, I know we love each other"

How did you feel when she said that?

[GreenGiant]

Well... a relief. That is something I was trying since the breakup but we cannot do that. Ive packaged everything, she didnt pack much, just a few toys.

Yesterday she went back home and I was there, I was sad and she was crying, saying it was super hard for her that why I wasnt crying, I told her that the fact I wasnt crying is not because I dont feel pain, that I do and a lot, but that Im managing my emotions and that once she gets all her stuff I will be able to process and go through my own mourning.

She kept saying to please dont dissappear from the life of her daughter that she loved a lot that for her I was her dad, which I replied that I love her with my life as well but that I have not taken the time yet to process that and know how to proceed, that in order for that to happen she needs to take all her stuff and leave. That the child is happy right know with her grandfather and grandmother, which she replied something along the lines "Of course she is not okay, it has been 2 week and she hasnt seen us" which I said, i havent seen her because I cant right now, but you? You have the opportunity to see your daughter and you choose not to, sleeping on friends house instead of being with her. Which she says she cant because she cant be crying a lot on her parents house or infront of the child. But that is something that makes me think, in I was the father id do everything in my hands to be with the child and give her love and support right now, why doesnt the mother?

I told her yesterday she has to move out all her stuff today, if not I would have to do it myself and didnt want to put us through that.

Question, I was thinking that maybe it is better for me not to be there when she goes take all of her stuff to avoid conflict or drama, I have someone in my house that can be there and take care of the house, everything is packed, or at least im almost certain. What do you think? Part of the plan before all went to PLEASE READ was that, if we did break up, i would help her with some money and one month of her treatment, so I bought a whole month of treatment she is taking daily (Valproic Acid, Lamotrigine and Desvenlafaxine) and left her on top of her bags. Was planning on send her a polite text from my neighbors phone telling her that I wont be home when she gets there, that is for the best, and that please take all of her stuff today. What do you think?

[GreenGiant]

How did you feel when she said that?
@Turkish

Well... a relief. That is something I was trying since the breakup but we cannot do that. Ive packaged everything, she didnt pack much, just a few toys.

Yesterday she went back home and I was there, I was sad and she was crying, saying it was super hard for her that why I wasnt crying, I told her that the fact I wasnt crying is not because I dont feel pain, that I do and a lot, but that Im managing my emotions and that once she gets all her stuff I will be able to process and go through my own mourning.

She kept saying to please dont dissappear from the life of her daughter that she loved me deeply that for her daughter I was her dad, which I replied that I love her with my life as well but that I have not taken the time yet to process and dont know how to proceed, that in order for that to happen she needs to take all her stuff and leave. That the child is happy right know with her grandfather and grandmother, which she replied something along the lines "Of course she is not okay, it has been 2 week and she hasnt seen us" which I said, i havent seen her because I cant right now, but you? You have the opportunity to see your daughter and you choose not to, sleeping on friends house instead of being with her. Which she says she cant because she cant be crying a lot on her parents house or infront of the child. But that is something that makes me think, if I was the father I would do everything in my hands to be with the child and give her love and support right now, why doesnt the mother?

I told her yesterday she has to move out all her stuff today, if not I would have to do it myself and didnt want to put us through that.

Question, I was thinking that maybe it is better for me not to be there when she goes take all of her stuff to avoid conflict or drama, I have someone in my house that can be there and take care of the house, everything is packed, or at least im almost certain. What do you think? Part of the plan before all went to BLEEP was that, if we did break up, i would help her with some money and one month of her treatment, so I bought a whole month of treatment she is taking daily (Valproic Acid, Lamotrigine and Desvenlafaxine) and left her on top of her bags. Was planning on send her a polite text from my neighbors phone telling her that I wont be home when she gets there, that is for the best, and that please take all of her stuff today. What do you think?

[EZEarache]

Question, I was thinking that maybe it is better for me not to be there when she goes take all of her stuff to avoid conflict or drama, I have someone in my house that can be there and take care of the house, everything is packed, or at least im almost certain. What do you think? Part of the plan before all went to PLEASE READ was that, if we did break up, i would help her with some money and one month of her treatment, so I bought a whole month of treatment she is taking daily (Valproic Acid, Lamotrigine and Desvenlafaxine) and left her on top of her bags. Was planning on send her a polite text from my neighbors phone telling her that I wont be home when she gets there, that is for the best, and that please take all of her stuff today. What do you think?

Yeah absolutely don't be anywhere near there if she is the one moving her stuff. In my case just the act of me packing to move out caused some major dysregulations. It's good thinking to have a witness there in case she really goes off the rails and destroys things.

That's very nice of you to get her a month's worth of medication. She's going to need it.

I can't even imagine not seeing my son for two weeks. I went on vacation for a week to a wilderness area and I literally ran 5 miles with 50 pounds on my back to an area where I thought there might be service to try and make a call to talk to him. This poor little girl. I hope you are able to find a way to stay in her life.

[GreenGiant]

So... she left. She took all her stuff. She was having a hard time being on control, she seemed hurt, mad and cold, but her eyes were really sad.

She asked me if she should give me the keys of the house, since there are 2 things couldnt move for space in the vehicle and has to come tomorrow for that. I said yes, and that is when she got mad, didnt say a word but her face said anger 100%, after that she didnt wanna talk at all and just left in a hurry.

Now... I have mixed emotions, I feel light and free, at the same time I feel as if Im doing something bad. But now, I can have time to have my mourning and think 100% on what to do with the child.

I will take a couple of hours, try to relax, speak with my family, and then call the grandparents to see how can we work this out. I miss her terrible (child) and im not sure if I will be able to see her on cam or if I should.

Thank you so much for all your support. Now the journey only begins but it is for the best. Please all advices regarding the child let me know.

[Turkish]

I would try to say goodbye, supervised by grandparents, but even that might be tricky. Maybe a small gift and a very short letter given to the grandparents. Even that might trigger her mom. It's doubtless hard on the kid as well, likely more than the adults. Gracefully bow out, but protect yourself (from retaliation).

You might also consider what's best for the child. That might be just leaving things as they are.  Tough situation.

[formflier]

I tend to think thay trying to say goodbye is more fraught than just letting it be over.

If the goodbye goes weird... It will be a lasting... Negative memory.

No good answers here.

Best

FF

[GreenGiant]

A quick update: tommorrow I will have a session with a child expert therapist, to ask all my doubts about what is the best thing to do thinking about the child.

I saw her on video 2 times since she left home, she asks me stuff like if I wanna play with her and that she "wuvs" me, heartbroken but it is what it is.

I talked with exBPDgf, she switch with being kind of polite but cold, and in moments sweet. Saying stuff like she knows we will marry some day, and so on... But doesnt wanna talk about her mental health at all... she says that she wants me to be her PLEASE READ buddy right now, which I declined... and I dont know, I miss her.

But i've read tons of posts here and know it is normal to feel this way and Im sure I dont want to live like this forever.

[kells76]

tommorrow I will have a session with a child expert therapist, to ask all my doubts about what is the best thing to do thinking about the child.

I want to commend you for prioritizing learning what's best for your exGF's kiddo. I'm so glad you have a professional to lean on, so you can make wise and loving decisions for her.

I saw her on video 2 times since she left home

Can you tell, are her grandparents facilitating this? Or is your exGF?

she asks me stuff like if I wanna play with her and that she "wuvs" me

It sounds like D3 is still in her own "kid" world, which I'm thinking is a good thing. I.e., she isn't sounding panicked, or "where are you", or "when are you coming home", etc. She's focused on what sounds fun and how she feels.

I wonder if a way to help D3 is to, when you have those times of video connection, join her on her level. For example, if she's talking about wanting to play together, instead of bringing in abstract adult issues like "I'm sorry, I can't, because Mom and I broke up", find a way to validate what she's talking about:

"If we were together, what would you want to play?"

"What kinds of things do you like playing?"

"What did you play this morning?"

I'm also leaning towards, if she says "I love you", that it's OK to say "I love you too", as long as that's true. It's a fairly common sharing/communication construct ("I love you" followed by "I love you too"), and as long as you do love her and want the best for her, I don't see a downside... other members, please chime in if you have another take on this. And of course, I'm interested to hear what the therapist has to say.

Hope your visit goes well;

kells76