Imagining his ‘ghost’ following me - how crazy am I

[Calli]

Does this happen to you? How off the wall am I here?.  I just have this feeling my exwbpd is still following me on social media through a “dummy” account.  It’s not his style though - he would think that sort of thing is beneath him.  And my account is private, albeit I don’t know everyone who follows me personally in the face-to-face world.  A few of them are just strangers with common interests, such as love of art, for example. 

But I keep imagining a particular follower is him and it’s affecting my recovery in some ways.  Makes me go through the rollercoaster of emotions again - regress. Get angry. Feeling so watched and judged.  It feels like my thinking is ridiculous and paranoid and not likely true in reality, because come on? Who would go to such lengths to create a very convincing dummy profile and follow me for over a year (during the same time I was with my ex too) that just sounds psycho of him - but yesterday I went so far as made baiting posts (that I know would anger/provoke him) to see if it would have any reaction.  (I’m sure it’s completely coincidental - but the person I suspected has not watched my stories at all since the bait posts - when he used to religiously every time - could it be him?  How angry it makes me).  What sort of crazy experiments am I doing here?  It’s not healthy.  Or is it just part of the process?  Of detaching.  Feeling haunted by his ghost?  Will it ever stop? 

Thanks for your help and insights,

[Sappho11]

Calli, I don't think you're crazy. You're hypervigilant because your last close relationship chemically taught your brain to go into overdrive.

Most social media sites are very subtle about blocking these days. I'd just block that strange account. Your emotional wellbeing is far more important than some stranger being able to see your posts. On the off-chance that it's actually someone you know well (and is good for you), they'll likely shoot you a message, tell you who they are and ask why they can't see your posts anymore. So there's nothing to lose by blocking them.

If blocking seems too extreme, you might consider hiding your stories from them specifically (can be done in the settings).

And yes, this will stop. It's hard now, but the darkest hour is right before the dawn. You'll get there. 

[Calli]

Thank you so much, Sappho - again your insights are so helpful.  It gave me such a relief to hear your words - I’m not crazy, and you’re exactly right - I’ve been conditioned to be en guard, hypervigilant and on overdrive.  That’s how it feels for sure.

So a bit of an update:  I messaged the person I thought may be the exwBPD - I said some key words that only my ex would pick up on.  The person really didn’t react much, so I had a little breath of relief there.  (You’re right that I can probably hide my stories from them and even block, if I feel the need.  And I will if it comes to it.)

Only a few hours later, I receive an email from my ex.  My suspicions raised at having heard from him for the first time in over three months right after I message this suspicious follower. 

Whether it’s a coincidence or not, I suppose I don’t care ultimately.  I’m going to keep doing what I can and keep living my life.  My ex’s message was actually a positive one that did help me in some ways.  (At least now I didn’t have to be looking over my shoulder - he was right there so to speak).   And it seems he was reaching out in a kind way, and I think I’ve gotten bit of closure or at least explanation for the way things were going towards the end.  We exchanged some emails, both of us kind to eachother.  Probably the best possible outcome.  If I closed the book now it would be a good ending even.

 I’m not sure if we’ll remain no contact after this, tbh.  I will be open minded, but much wiser now that I’ve studied BPD topics that I never had before.  We remain disconnected in every other way - and I think it will stay that way for a while for our health.   And I will continue to ignore the now infamous suspect “dummy” account unless it becomes a problem.

Thanks again!