Male BPDs and domestic violence?

[HealingTee]

Hi everyone. Wondering if anyone here has ever experienced a male BPD partner being extremely jealous and eventually that jealousy turned into physical violence? How long did it take for them to turn violent?

My exBPD boyfriend was extremely pathologically jealous but never put his hands on me. I wonder if I stood with him longer, if things would of turned dangerous and violent for me. We were together for a little over a year. I cant help but wonder if I truly dodged a bullet, I guess knowing for sure that I dodged a bullet will give me much more peace and closure regarding my breakup.

Thank you all

[I Am Redeemed]

Yes. I think it was around 6 months in, if I remember correctly.

My ex had a long history of DV with previous partners. I left nearly 4 years ago, and his pattern continues with his current partner.

[Turkish]

Are you asking this in retrospect, or did you have a feeling that he might turn violent when you were in the relationship?

Trust your gut.

[Sappho11]

My ex confessed to having beaten his girlfriend before me about three weeks into our relationship. The reason? Jealousy. He seemed deeply rueful, claimed it had only happened twice, some eight years ago, that he had apologised and that he deeply regretted it. She had stuck with him until he and I got together, so I assumed this was the truth. (Later on it turned out he had been controlling every aspect of her life, so who knows what really went down on the DV front...) I told him I wouldn't condemn him for past mistakes, that we all had done things we regretted, but also that violence was a dealbreaker for me and that if he ever laid a finger on me, I'd be gone.

About four weeks in I noticed he had a very aggressive style of arguing. At the six-week mark, he talked himself (!) into such a rage and physically loomed over me that I thought "This is it, he's going to hit me now". Luckily, my ex knew that I used to do martial arts (no match for a man his size, but definitely able to hurt him back), and when I stood up to him, he eventually backed down without a (physical) fight.

It all went downhill from there. From then on, during most arguments, he'd convert his rage into silent, seething fury. We'd argue on the couch while he'd be grasping himself, staring at me with pure, unadulterated hatred. It was impossible to make sense of it. Five minutes before he could have been the most loving, doting partner. And he'd return to that loving state almost immediately after the "resolution" of each fight (usually my apology for something I didn't do).

The fights got worse and worse. While initially, I could defuse them by accepting all blame for the most ridiculous reasons, and apologise to him, this tactic lost more and more of its effectiveness as time went on and my self-esteem was ground down. Before both discards, we'd have hours-long arguments until the middle of the night, which always ended with me being in tears, asking him "What do you want from me?" and him eventually withdrawing because he didn't have an answer.

Jealousy was huge in our relationship. I tried hard to give him no reason, but it was impossible. He'd get jealous about work colleagues, about a gay male friend of mine, even about complete strangers I had never met. It was absurd.

We almost exclusively met at my place, and I noticed he had a harder time reining in his anger when we were at his place. Had we moved in together to his house, as we had planned, I'm sure it would only have been a matter of time until he would have hit me, probably a matter of weeks rather than months.

– Happy ending to that story, from what I've heard, his girlfriend before me also doesn't want him back and seems to finally be building her own life now... without him.

[Janie Starks]

HealingTee,
My BPDboyfriend is extremely jealous too, he mostly talks himself into imagining fake scenarious that might happen or could have happened in the past, until he believes I'm actually guilty of cheating on him, but that's another story...

He became physically violent 1 year into our relationship, but for the first 6 months we were in a long distance relationship cause he was living abroad, and in that time I didn't even know about his BPD diagnose.
At first it was just object-throwing, books and whatever he happened to have his hands on at the moment.
Before the first violent episode happened he used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't worry cause he never hit anyone he really cared about, even during the worst splitting episodes, he never raised his hands on his family or his exgf, though she cheated on him many times.

But I had such a strong feeling that he was lying to me, and his friends sent me many hints that he had been violent before, even though they never explicitely told me so.
After the first episode I told him that it couldn't let it happen again, I tried to set boundaries and I broke up with him. He dragged me back after a while telling me that he was so ashamed of himself and promising that he would work really hard with his therapist.
Useless to say that it happened again, and I still suffer from the consequences.

Every relationship is different, every person is different, I also read many stories in which the BPD male partner never got to physical violence. So it's difficult to say for sure.
What I can say is Trust your gut feelings, if you feel like you kinda dodged a bullet, or even just the fact that you're wondering about it, maybe it's because your guts know that it would have happened. Sometimes we have to trust intuition even if at first we have no tangible proof, our body and mind can get hints that we consciously don't see until it's late.

[AlwaysMean]

During one of our spiraling events I was thrown to the ground and kicked. He immediately knew what he did and backed off and never touched me like that again. I believe every story is different.