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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I hope I’m not the crazy one  (Read 317 times)
Neuro

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 6


« on: September 09, 2021, 08:04:13 PM »

So here it is guys. Dated this girl for a little over 2 years. In the beginning every other month she would tell me she’s feeling anxiety and an urge to leave the relationship (huge red flag which I ignored). After awhile I started seeing her less and less because I was studying to get into medical school and quite frankly, it was hard to be around someone who’s moods changed so erratically. Eventually I told her we need to get some therapy before we get back together or else we are just going to break up again- we never did. Now, about a month ago she comes to my house, sleeps with me and then 2 weeks after goes on a trip to her home country in Europe and gets engaged!!! To say the least I’m devastated. She has it all over social media that she’s the happiest she’s ever been yadda yadda after only being physical with this guy for two weeks. After looking back at all her traits and behaviors, I think she has BPD or serious traits. I’ve never seen her self mutilate but sometimes she’s have bruises on her legs but she would tell me she didn’t know where they came from. Sooo, my question to everyone is- am I crazy for thinking my ex had BPD?

P.S she told me the reason she left me was because she felt I was going to completely disappear on her.
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grumpydonut
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 414



« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2021, 10:11:12 PM »

Hi Neuro,

Probably not enough info. Does she, in your opinion, meet 6 of the 9 criteria for BPD?

- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

- Pattern of unstable relationships that swing between idealization and devaluation (seems like this one is a yes)

- Unstable sense of self, shifting self image

- Impulsivity in at least two areas (she went overseas, instantly got engaged)

- Recurrent suicidal ideation or self harm

- Reactivity of mood

- Chronic feelings of emptiness

- Inappropriate or intense anger

- Stress-related paranoid ideation or severe disassociation


Just reading this helped me. My partner, who was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist, meets all 9.
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« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2021, 10:53:57 PM »

people with bpd traits are especially preoccupied, hypervigilant about, commitment.

sometimes if a person senses that a relationship has reached a dead end, theyll jump ship so to speak; for some people its emotionally easier than facing a breakup. its a cold thing to do. a lot of us here have experienced it. youre in the right place.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Neuro

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2021, 12:13:14 PM »

Jesus Donut. She has about 7 I’m aware of. She has said more than one that she’s had people follow her randomly on the road. I didn’t click until now that she could be experiencing paranoid ideation.
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Gemsforeyes
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Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
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« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2021, 01:29:51 PM »

Good G-D, grumpydonut and guys!!! Of all the things my ex did, the paranoid issue never before jumped out at me like this time.

He was CONVINCED that all of my neighbors would stare at him when he arrived here or worked in my front garden (it’s so darn HOT where I live people are rarely outside hanging around). 

But even more concerning was 1) his insistence that the two condos across from his unit each had cameras pointed at his unit.  The people who own those units live out of state and are rarely there.  And 2). That each time he EVER arrived at his condo building EVERYONE instantly woke up, watched his comings and goings and made noises to keep him awake.  Just so disturbing.

I tried to cajole him and tell him that those retired old ladies were simply not used to seeing such a handsome guy amongst them.  No dice.

And Neuro, I’m really sorry for your confusion and your pain.  This is a very safe place for you to work through that.  Had she not left now, she would likely have done it later.  And your med school studies would have been a NIGHTMARE, Especially if there were any women in your classes.  And forget about treating any female patients in your future without a fight!

Finally, I have my own take on the “physical” undertones of at least my relationship with my BPD/NPD exBF.  When I knew I had to get out and that would happen at his next RAGE event, I backed way the heck off intimacy-wise, because he was so tied to me.  I needed him to “forget” about that part.  Neuro- she wants you to REMEMBER.  Like she would.  Just in case she wants or needs to come back.  So please be smart.  The time to begin releasing anything she wants or needs is now.

You cannot love her to wellness.  I tried for 6.5 years.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Neuro

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Relationship status: Single
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2021, 02:48:51 PM »

So I remember us going to Puerto Rico for my birthday, and we went bar hoping one night. Because I fell asleep that night being drunk, the next day she ignored me the entire day and wouldn’t speak to me because I was too drunk to have sex. Another time she wanted to break up with me because she was out of town for the weekend and we didn’t speak for an entire day- that again was grounds for a break up. Another time she came over to my house to stay the night and she got up in the middle of the night and had to leave because she had anxiety. It’s been a crazy ride, when we first met she stalked all my social media and I eventually closed everything down because I didn’t want her getting jealous over any female friend that I had who would happen to like any of my photos. The first 6-8 months was I felt like walking on egg shells all the time yet still I stayed because I wanted to show her that I’d be there for her no matter what…..Again, I feel like I’m the crazy one. Even when she cheated on me the first time I stayed because she basically fell to her knees begging me to stay ( my mind was definitely not mine at that point).
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EZEarache
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Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 164


« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2021, 03:09:22 PM »

So your last paragraph highlights the common use of Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to control you in the relationship. This is a common tactic for emotional abusers, to control their victims.

It’s been a crazy ride, when we first met she stalked all my social media and I eventually closed everything down because I didn’t want her getting jealous over any female friend that I had who would happen to like any of my photos.

Fear. Pretty common, most of us on this board fear the potential of a dysregulated borderline rage.

The first 6-8 months was I felt like walking on egg shells all the time yet still I stayed because I wanted to show her that I’d be there for her no matter what….. Again, I feel like I’m the crazy one.

Obligation. You felt obligated to stay in the relationship, to prove that you were as true as you said you were. This has been a common thread in my past relationships. I ended up staying in unhealthy situations much longer than I should have.

Even when she cheated on me the first time I stayed because she basically fell to her knees begging me to stay ( my mind was definitely not mine at that point).

Guilt. Her begging and pleading made you feel guilty for wanting to do what was best for you. Again, I experienced the same dynamic. To the point where I knew it was time for me to end it, but I felt guilty because my now ex, threatened me she would kill herself if I did. Strangely a year and a half later, I was the one literally standing on a bridge, contemplating jumping.

So we can clearly see though the FOG here.

There's a good chance it's BPD, after reading this thread. Whatever her issue is/was she's definitely emotionally abusive and you're better off without her.

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Neuro

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2021, 03:53:34 PM »

I agree with you EZ, my only regret at this point is that I think at around break up number 5, I downloaded the tinder app with a friend while we were drinking and was showing him the girls I use to talk to- I wasn’t active because she has a million friends on there and I wasn’t going to use it for those purposes anyway. Needless to say she found out because I sent her a picture screen shot of my phone that night with the little icon  running in the background- but I came clean about what was going on- I never cheated on her. However I guess the combination of feeling pushed away so many times and alcohol makes people do what they shouldn’t - I took full responsibility for my actions and told her everything. However, again, I’m the end she took the further step and cheated on me. I still can’t help feeling guilty and wondering if I hadn’t done what I did she wouldn’t have acted how she did.
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SinisterComplex
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Relationship status: Broken Up
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« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2021, 11:03:40 PM »

So Neuro you are not crazy. I will not use a label here. I will say that you were not dealing with someone normal though. Sh** happens. You live and you learn. Pop your collar, shrug your shoulders, brush it off. Why? You gained valuable insight and experience, and hey you survived...be thankful. You should now know what you do not want to deal with again and what you will not tolerate.

Additionally, there is no reason for you to feel guilty. The what if crap is what draws you into a vicious cycle. What the behaviors tell me...nothing would have made a difference. The end result would ultimately have been the same, but maybe you lasted longer. Nothing more, nothing less.

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are not responsible for anything to do with her. Period! Your emotions and feelings are your own responsibility. So do you. Control what you can and let the universe deal with the crap that is not in your control.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Neuro

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 6


« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2021, 04:49:36 AM »

Thanks SC, I needed to hear that. My therapist said the same thing. I beat myself up for having a human moment given all the stuff I had to deal with. The funny thing is with all the ups and downs I started to not recognize myself anymore. Im about a month NC with her and it’s become starkly apparent that, unless I knew she had some sort of emotional malady, I wouldn’t have known how to deal with it or what to look out for. I know a lot of people don’t like to use the label BPD, but just knowing that there are traits in a person that are hard for them to control, and the mindset required to deal with how those traits are expressed, might make dealing with that person easier.
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EZEarache
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2021, 10:16:01 AM »

I agree with you EZ, my only regret at this point is that I think at around break up number 5, I downloaded the tinder app with a friend while we were drinking and was showing him the girls I use to talk to- I wasn’t active because she has a million friends on there and I wasn’t going to use it for those purposes anyway. Needless to say she found out because I sent her a picture screen shot of my phone that night with the little icon  running in the background- but I came clean about what was going on- I never cheated on her. However I guess the combination of feeling pushed away so many times and alcohol makes people do what they shouldn’t - I took full responsibility for my actions and told her everything. However, again, I’m the end she took the further step and cheated on me. I still can’t help feeling guilty and wondering if I hadn’t done what I did she wouldn’t have acted how she did.

Yeah, I regret saying, "I feel like I was diagnosed with cancer." When I found out we were pregnant. It was all downhill from there. She never was able to get over that statement. It was how I felt in the moment. Unfortunately, she never allowed us to move on from it. I can't blame myself for that. I've been able to put most of the messed up things she said and did to me in the past. Unfortunately, this disorder doesn't allow the past to be the past.
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