She nearly turned me against my own mother

[thankful person]

I went to see my parents yesterday, I have hardly seen them since Covid and since our baby was born very sick, they have only met the new baby once because my wife had post natal depression and didn’t want to see anyone and I didn’t want to leave in case the baby got sick. My dad has Parkinson’s and is very unhappy and mum is also having a very hard time. I feel so ashamed to say, my mum is the sweetest, kindest, most generous and welcoming person, so friendly and would do anything for anyone. In fact she has given us so much money and to my wife directly, even for her dad to buy a car. But my bpd wife has never liked my mum. Mum tried ringing her sometimes when I was working, but she never answered, saying she prefers to keep in touch by text. Now they have a text relationship, but my wife is always complaining because my mum didn’t ask how she was, or ignored her, or made nasty remarks about this. I was actually starting to question whether mum had a nasty streak. I see now just how bad this was. If she has any problem with my wife, it is that she has hardly ever met her grandchildren, and we’re going to be moving far away and my dad can’t travel far. And apparently we won’t be coming back to visit anyone, my wife says they have to come to us. But my mum is not an unkind person. Apparently she made my wife feel a stranger in her own home last time she came here. I don’t like to tell my mum these crazy things, I don’t want to upset her. My wife has said she doesn’t want money going directly to the children from my parents wills. I’m not interfering with my parents’ wishes for their grandchildren. My wife was left £42k when her granddad died, she has nothing to show for it because she spent it all on junk food and then a tummy tuck. She doesn’t regret it but doesn’t want this for our children. I seriously like to think that they would make better choices but at the end of the day, it’s their choices to make. Anyway I was so glad to see my parents, just sad they couldn’t see the children. I’m so glad I got to see what a wonderful lady my mum is. She is not as sensitive as me and not very emotional. But I can’t believe I ever doubted her character. I know my wife is just jealous of our relationship. I feel so sad and ashamed.

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[kells76]

BP, do you think your mom knows -- really knows -- what your relationship with your W is like, and why they have not seen the grandkids?

If not, how do you think your mom would respond to you if you shared that with her?

You're interested in making changes; after all, you're here. I wonder what your mom would say if you were open with her about wanting to turn things around.

[babyducks]

Hello BP,

I am glad you went and visited with your parents.    I hope you had a nice visit.

But my bpd wife has never liked my mum...

 I know my wife is just jealous of our relationship.

hmmmm.     No your wife probably never felt comfortable with your mum.     It seems likely that your wife views your mother as a threat.

much as she would see anything that takes time and attention away from her as a threat.

I used to call my relationship with my Bipolar/BPD partner a 'needs entitlement war'.     and that's pretty much what it was.    Her need to feel comfortable and cared for always had to be the most important thing.   and sometimes that just wasn't possible.

I hope you continue to communicate regularly with your Mum.     It would be good if you could both support each other right now.

[zachira]

Your story unfortunately is not uncommon. So many spouses try to gain control by alienating their partner from their entire family of origin.

[thankful person]

Thanks all, yes my mum does know that it has been my wife’s decision to not see them, being birth mother and struggling with breast feeding was a good reason and now it’s also about the older one getting car sick. I have always stood up for my wife though. My parents know she is a “very difficult person”, and mum is no stranger to this, my dad is a very difficult person, as was his mother, and also my brothers wife. Mum also knows of the bpd diagnosis but I don’t think she’s ever looked into it. My wife is a proud “recovery warrior”, proud to have beaten eating disorders and self harm. But she seems to have no idea how bpd she still is. My parents would be so shocked and saddened to know the whole truth like when she threw me out the room for cuddling our daughter..

[EZEarache]

. Now they have a text relationship, but my wife is always complaining because my mum didn’t ask how she was, or ignored her, or made nasty remarks about this. I was actually starting to question whether mum had a nasty streak. I see now just how bad this was... Apparently she made my wife feel a stranger in her own home last time she came here.

I had similar experiences, with my exwBPD. Towards the end of the relationship, I became severely depressed, and my mother started communicating with my ex directly. This ended up going badly, because my mother started triggering her emotions and I would get screamed at by my, ex. I didn't really even understand what was going on at the time, because I didn't know about the BPD, yet.

Eventually my ex completely split on my mother. She even said something about not feeling welcome in her own home because of my mother's statements. It was all nonsense, and turned into a huge fight, where I was physically injured after running a way from the ex.

It degraded from there. A few months later the ex had me hospitalized because of my depression. She perceived me as being severely depressed, but I wasn't. The ex had the police take me to the hospital in handcuffs. The hospital wouldn't admit me and my parents had to drive six hours to get me out, because the hospital wouldn't release me due to the police taking my wallet and phone when they brought me into the hospital. My mother made the mistake of texting my ex a thank you note for letting her know. My ex ended up writing, "You motherf&*ker," to my mother. My mother was pretty insulted.

If possible, I advise you to have your mother try and include you on the text threads so you can keep an eye on things, and understand what is being said on both sides. Otherwise, you'll start getting blind sided with how terrible your mother is, comments.

It will probably be best to talk to your mother about your suspicions of your wife, so that she isn't personally insulted by everything. If your mother starts getting insulted, it will make things worse, because your mother might actually start firing nastygrams back to your wife. Then your wife really will have ammunition against your mother.

Hopefully you can sort things out better than I did. I had a premature baby in the mix of all this as well, and it has resulted in my parents only seeing the baby, like 4 times since he was born. Totally sucks.

[B53]

That sounds like a difficult situation and must be very hard on you. My grandchildren live in another state and I don’t get to see them often. FaceTime has been wonderful. Sometimes my daughter would point the camera at the children so I could just watch them play. Now the children are four and six and they know how to FaceTime me on their own. Is it possible to set that up with your parents? It’s not as good as actually seeing them, but it is the next best thing. I am still part of their life.

I know that may be easier said then done. Wish you the best!

[thankful person]

Thank you b53. I’m glad you get some joy out of seeing the grandchildren on FaceTime. I’m annoyed with myself because during lockdown my wife FaceTimed her mum all the time when I was working but never wanted me to call my parents  during “our time together”. And I was bullied out of it. And on the rare occasions I did video call them then my wife was annoyed that they only wanted to see the children and not her. Even when our little one was in icu she was annoyed about people asking how the baby was rather than her. Since no 2 arrived she doesn’t FaceTime her mum anymore. But when she starts when she becomes more mobile and less reliant on breast 24/7 then I’m determined to call lots too especially when we move away soon.

[EZEarache]

And on the rare occasions I did video call them then my wife was annoyed that they only wanted to see the children and not her. Even when our little one was in icu she was annoyed about people asking how the baby was rather than her. Since no 2 arrived she doesn’t FaceTime her mum anymore.

So typical... Do you ever get accused of only caring about yourself, to boot? I still do.

[thankful person]

Hi Ez thank you for sharing your story. Yes I often get accused of being selfish especially where the children are concerned, and my parents. Like if I go see then she wants me home by like 2 or 3pm so we get to spend time together before I work. But she used to go see her family and be home at like midnight. Go figure. I am wary of your story, at first I felt for years that she would never turn against me. And then she did. Because I decided I would send mum pictures whenever I want and told her so. And she said she didn’t want to be with me over this. I do occasionally speak to my mum alone (not often) but it allows me to get her side of what’s gone down between them. My wife was being very poisonous not allowing me to send pictures and saying she would do it but between Christmas and mid feb she had sent no pictures and that’s when I put my foot down. I’m so glad I did even though it caused me months of pain.