My Story

[OtherVoices]

Hello,
In doing research I came across this board to see stories similar to mine. I’ve been trying to move on and make sense of what happened but it sounds like there is no sense. I’ll try to condense the story as much as possible.
When I first met her she was quiet, reserved and wouldn’t look anyone in the eye. I learned she was married but she told me he was abusive and controlling. She left him, her kids and we started dating. I thought things were going well but that started a cycle of her leaving me and running back to him. They finally quit and I thought things were back to normal but found out she was hooking up with a man she met riding a bus and moved in with him immediately.
I was devastated and thought it was my fault
I “won” her back, gave her a ring and moved her in, all I asked was no more cheating and to hold a job for more than a month or two .Since that time my brother passed away and I lost my job but I did my best because I’d saved money and got a severance but she increasingly became angry, that I haven’t bought her a car even though I let her use mine without complaint. Let her save money, I paid for almost everything. 3 years passed and the beginning of this year I noticed she was getting more distant, always waking up in a bad mood, starting fights so she wouldn’t have to talk to me during the day. I know my part in this is I got depressed still dealing with my brothers estate, infighting with family and I gained weight and lost my libido which to her meant I was getting it somewhere else. Then the drama starts at her job, they’re jealous, she quits gets a new job and she is making plans to get her own car in secret with her sister, starts coming home late smelling of smoke, I question and get “is someone feeling insecure”.
I caught her cheating at the end of March.
She told me she was going away to visit her sister, after not hearing from her I called her sister, sister had no idea what I was talking about. Sister calls me back and tells me she is with another guy, same guy she cheated on me with 4 years ago. I confront my girlfriend and she triples down and says she’s not with anyone and she wants to leave.
 I give her space but we continue to talk and ,then her phone doesn’t work, and not getting emails etc. She would only contact me if she needed her mail that didn’t get forwarded, she was expecting $$. Fast forward to my birthday I don’t hear from her she later tells me she sent me an email but wasn’t working and wants to hang out, we do and it goes well,come back and have sex.
She leaves and promises were made to try and make this work, I don’t hear from her for a few days and I go see her at her job at lunch. She tells me now she only wants to be friends and now admits she’s with that guy and is living with him, “Things are taking off for me new car, new phone, job.” I said friends doesn’t work for me and left, almost 2 weeks no contact, she proceeds to email me her new email just in case she gets postal mail. I wait a few days and say “is this your way of saying you miss me” and she replied “of course I miss you” and after 2-3 weeks she said she wants to see me. Finally about a week ago I found her Instagram which was a mistake and she responds right away on that. Tells me she’ll meet me almost seems like the “old” her. On my way there she says to change to noon , then says “i’m dealing with a lot of things, I guess I’m depressed” I told her I’d help work on it with her and if she wants to get away with me a few days we can.
She reads and never responds and ghosted me up until September which her bday was on the 3rd. I tried to do one more thing and mail flowers to her job, I get a call saying she hasn’t worked there in a month. I email her and she immediately responds saying she moved about 40minutes away. She texts me for the first time since May and thanks me for the flowers, saying they’re beautiful,etc. I asked her to call me doesn’t even have to be about us, and she stops the responding again and has gone back to acting like I don’t exist. I’m leaving out quite a bit of her behavior but she definitely has all the signs of BPD with some narcissist traits as well. I recently started talking to a therapist because although I’ve been through breakups and her leaving me several times and coming back, I guess I’m in the final discard she won’t initiate contact, doesn’t reach out and basically acts like I don’t exist… I felt like I was going crazy and I did something to cause all this. Is it common never to hear from them again ?

[Ad Meliora]

Hi OtherVoices,

The short answer to your question is 'it depends'.  It was a "Yes" in my case.  My BPDex had a deep fear of engulfment so to counter that she would withdraw from me anytime she felt I was getting too close or she would do whatever she could to control and manipulate me so things would go her way.  Whatever her final though processes, she sabotaged our relationship, pushed me away, washed her hands of me and was done.  No contact or h00vering me back in over a year.

Before I go on you should probably ask yourself if you are truly done with her?  If you want to reverse the break-up or try and fix your relationship there's another discussion board for that.

The reason I ask is that you're sending her flowers on her birthday and remaining in communication with her.  I understand the compulsion (the addiction), but as long as you "feed the beast" here she's going to keep thinking you want to continue the relationship and the bad behaviors will continue as well.

It's easy from my standpoint to see things.  She's cheated on you repeatedly, lied about it (and other things no doubt) and treated you poorly.  This is all grounds for immediate dismissal as your partner.   What you decide to do is up to you.

I'm getting some mixed messages on your view of your BPD partner.  If you want to detach, I'm sure there's many who can give you advice here as I'm fairly new.  If you want to reconcile, there's outlets for that too.

In the meantime maybe the info on this website about Trauma Bonding will be useful to you. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229693.0

Good luck OtherV.

[OtherVoices]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I guess the answer is I still love and care about her, but I was told by a friend that it’s possible she’s borderline/narcissist , so I started doing research and seeing the symptoms it fits her to a tee. Reading other people’s messages I see eerily familiar patterns. This is all new and confusing and like you said it’s like an addiction that I’d like to break. Coincidentally enough her sister contacted today asking if I heard from her, she dropped off her daughter to stay/live with the sister and they haven’t heard from her since, so apparently ghosting them as well, I’m definitely worried but I’ve been trying to tell myself she’s an adult woman and she wanted the “bad boy” her words not mine.
Thanks again

[EZEarache]

I guess the answer is I still love and care about her, but I was told by a friend that it’s possible she’s borderline/narcissist , so I started doing research and seeing the symptoms it fits her to a tee... This is all new and confusing and like you said it’s like an addiction that I’d like to break.

Most of us here, still have a soft spot for our ex. She seems to have you wrapped around her finger. She comes and goes as she pleases, knowing she can suck the energy out of you and feel good about herself by doing so.

Coincidentally enough her sister contacted today asking if I heard from her, she dropped off her daughter to stay/live with the sister and they haven’t heard from her since, so apparently ghosting them as well, I’m definitely worried but I’ve been trying to tell myself she’s an adult woman and she wanted the “bad boy” her words not mine.
Thanks again

This is some seriously concerning behavior. How old is the child? It's almost like she's setting her daughter up to perpetuate the cycle of BPD, here. I feel bad for her sister. What sort of relationship do you have with the daughter? Are you bonded?

Since you're posting in detaching, I can say this. I actually envy your situation to a certain extent, assuming your not bonded with the step daughter. I have a small baby with my exwBPD. I'm stuck managing her erratic behavior for the rest of my life. You have the capability to eliminate all contact with her. If she reaches out, don't write back or answer the phone. If you miss her, and wish she was still in your life, talk to a friend, until the feeling passes. Don't initiate contact. Don't feed the monster. Once the monster doesn't receive any comfort from her attempts to reach out to you, she'll get sucked into someone else's vortex. Then she's their problem.

[Ad Meliora]

I agree with EZ-E here.  This is concerning behavior.  Leaving you out of the picture is one thing, but her own daughter?  How long has it been her sister hasn't heard from her?

At least she's in a safe place (assumably).  The longest my BPDx disappeared was a week.  Maybe some others can chime in here if they've had their partner abandon them and their children for periods of time longer than that.

[OtherVoices]

This is some seriously concerning behavior. How old is the child? It's almost like she's setting her daughter up to perpetuate the cycle of BPD, here. I feel bad for her sister. What sort of relationship do you have with the daughter? Are you bonded?

We are not bonded, though I do care about her. I don’t make her sound like a child as she just turned 18 but I think she hasn’t mentally matured because of the upheaval caused by father and mother. They had two kids who both lived with the father the youngest boy I’m assuming is still there, I heard he took things out on them because she left, apparently he could be abusive.The sister is a good woman and wouldn’t cover for my ex when she was out cheating. I told the sister I’d help in anyway I can it’s not fair all the people she’s left hurt and battered in her path. I don’t think I’ll be hearing from my ex again, I seem to be in the final discard, she hasn’t really reached out to me since she officially broke up, maybe a one or two word reply every 3-4 weeks if that, it’s short matter of fact and then back to ghosting.

[OtherVoices]

I’m very concerned, I’m pretty sure she’s with the guy she cheated on me with years ago, and I got her out of that situation because he was supposedly dealing drugs, only for her to go back and cheat again with this guy 4 years later, and move in with him right away and basically ghosted once she decided he’s “mr right” . I don’t think anyone knows her new address she moved to a area that is known for low income and drugs. I think it’s been close to 3 weeks since they heard from her, wondering if police  could do a wellness check ?

I agree with EZ-E here.  This is concerning behavior.  Leaving you out of the picture is one thing, but her own daughter?  How long has it been her sister hasn't heard from her?

At least she's in a safe place (assumably).  The longest my BPDx disappeared was a week.  Maybe some others can chime in here if they've had their partner abandon them and their children for periods of time longer than that.

[Ad Meliora]

I'll just add I think you're on the right track, it's up to you how to proceed.

I’m definitely worried but I’ve been trying to tell myself she’s an adult woman and she wanted the “bad boy” her words not mine.

The point you made here is that she is an adult, and her child is too.  If adults want to get lost and disappear with 'bad boys' they generally can.  I think EZ E has it right that it's best not to get caught up in her vortex anymore.  You did your part, now it's time to move on.  You'll have to use your judgement on how to move forward.

[grumpydonut]

she dropped off her daughter to stay/live with the sister and they haven’t heard from her since

Consider the amount of selfishness it takes to abandon your child like that. Know this you will always be a victim to this selfishness. You are lucky to be free.

[OtherVoices]

I spoke to my therapist and told her the situation she seems to think drugs may be involved, I never saw her do anything except an occasional drink but with her anything is possible, she said I should suggest the police do a wellness check, so I called and left a message with her sister to do that if she can’t get ahold of her but I haven’t heard anything yet.
 

I'll just add I think you're on the right track, it's up to you how to proceed.
 

The point you made here is that she is an adult, and her child is too.  If adults want to get lost and disappear with 'bad boys' they generally can.  I think EZ E has it right that it's best not to get caught up in her vortex anymore.  You did your part, now it's time to move on.  You'll have to use your judgement on how to move forward.