What would your ideal partner look like: Post BPDex?

[Ad Meliora]

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”  ——Buddha

I know where I’ve been, and also where some of you have been, and it looks a lot like Sh*tsburg.  So when we’re ready to move on and turn the page and look for that special someone again, what would that person be like?  What traits would they have?

I’m thinking about this like I think about my garden for next year.  The Zinnias did good, maybe I’ll plant more, the Alyssum—not so much.  As a gardener, I’m already thinking about what flowers I want to see next fall because I may have to take steps now to get that ready.  Amend soil, clear out the weeds, pre-order special seeds, etc…

Here’s a crack at it, some necessary traits, maybe.

Loving, caring and compassionate towards others.  Maybe this can even be demonstrated in a love of animals?  I guess, I really have to see it towards people and specifically—me people.  They have enough love for themselves and some left over to share with others.

Words match deeds.  I will have this up at the top like never before.  This will take time to assess. If I get one excuse, okay.  If I get three—red flag.

Independent, able to care for themselves, have a job or sustainable income, etc…

Good listener,  I have problems, I’m not the only one.  Having someone to talk to is important, and as important is reciprocating this as well.

Good at companionship.  Understands the value of sticking by their partner and vice versa.

Able to write (or express thoughts, emotions, etc..) effectively.  If they can’t use their words to describe what’s going on it’s going to be tricky to have meaningful communication.  Perhaps the expression could come in other ways, but this should’ve been a red flag for me with my BPDx.

Able to lift 30lbs.  Okay, this is kindofa joke, but not really.  I work on my house, I build things from scrap lumber, have had my own gardening/handyman business, and built 4 houses from the ground up.  It’s been of value to have an extra set of hands when I get in a jam and can’t do the work on my own (maybe their relative or a son/daughter can help with this? )

Looks = Unimportant

These are just some I’m thinking off the top of my head.  I’m sure I missed something here.  I should say that I thought my BPDex had all of these traits, but I just didn’t look deep enough before I hitched my wagon to hers.

I thought I was a complete person going in, but my BPDex exposed some vulnerabilities which I have been working on the last year partner-free.  Ideally, I would see it as two complete people coming together recognizing each other’s strengths and weaknesses and building something greater together than the individual parts.  A synergistic effect.

If I can’t find this person, it’s probably okay.  I can read the words of the buddha, but it is hard to live those words.

Thoughts?

[Sappho11]

You've started with a solid list!

• Words match deeds. Oh yes, this one, too.
• Emotionally stable. I don't want to have to be the strong shoulder again. At least not all the fricking time.
• Good sense of self. Knows who he is and what he wants from life. Validates himself through his own actions, not through other people's perception of him.
• Considerate of others. Can put other people's needs above his own if need be.
• Good-looking. Sorry not sorry, I'm not compromising on that one yet. 

[Ad Meliora]

Nor should you have to compromise, Sappho.

I should've added a point "Libido match" as much as possible with Men from Mars and Women from Venus.  Fire and Ice girl matched with me.   It can be farther down the list, but this mismatch led to divorce in my college love and contributed to relationship disintegration with my BiPDex (always depressed=no libido)

[grumpydonut]

Crazier than the last, haha. But, more seriously:

- actions match words
- internal locus of control
- I'm attracted to her
- Family values
- Doesn't care about politics

[Ad Meliora]

Crazier than the last, haha. But, more seriously:

Ha, ha Grumpy.   Sounds like you've had the opportunity post BPDx based on your post in the "Bullets..." thread.  Nice.

I see some good points from both you and Sappho. 
"Being considerate of others."  Yes!
"Internal locus of control". Yes!

[poppy2]

Hey Ad Meliora,

I think you've started a really nice thread here. I actually think a lot more threads could be about "how do we imagine our future" rather than "what scars was I left with", in that it helps to bring the focus on us more. After being discarded I was really trying to understand what I would look for in a partner, and I came up with this list:

someone strong, some trustworthy, someone interesting and creative, someone committed, someone very intelligent and capable of problem solving, someone who is reliable and honest, and someone who is able to be "there" no matter what.

To my own surprise, when I made this list I realized that my ex only fulfilled 3,5 out of these 7 qualities. She wasn't strong, trustworthy or committed, and only ,5 on "there" no matter what. By this I mean that your partner is also your friend or companion who is going to hold you and your life challenges in esteem and vice versa.

I feel, in a way, I found what I was looking for in my last relationship, and not in a good way. One of the reasons I respected my ex is that I felt like she had had a "hard" journey in life, as I have, and I wanted to be able to share these sorts of things - the difficulty of queerness, troubled home backgrounds (I mean, recovering from and not repeating them, say we had both read Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted child). Before this relationship I would have said that being able to share vulnerability is a strength... and I still think that is true. But I also see how it enables you to be damaged by people who don't know any better, and can also form things like "trauma bonds".. for me, the similarities in our backgrounds were common ground to realize collaboration and a relationship in the world, but all that ended up happening was me being damaged by her traumatic dissociation and PD issues. I also realized afterwards that she would "mirror" my ability to be vulerable without ever really taking the risk of being vulnerable herself, which I had interpreted as her being vulnerable with me. So now I would say I'm not necessarily looking for people who "share a lot" in the beginning, and rather need a lot of time to assess where they, and where I, am really coming from. Part of this is also not falling into wishful thinking about who I would like a person to be, which is a prime recipe for a PD as they will pretend to be this person. Part of the "test" of trust after these relationships, I've read, is to have a conversation, and then deliberately see if the other person follows through.. like, you can test these sorts of boundaries very early on, if you're conscious about it.

Part of this is also learning how to read and also listen to red flags. Now I think that if somebody has clear trauma in their background - like dissociation, eating disorders, or excessive controlling behaviours - I will be far more cautious about how these things could end up affecting or damaging me rather than just have sympathy for the person who is suffering them (and I think that compassion can be a very strong "bond" which is not necessarily two ways, I have found to my great regret.)

Part of the reason I was so hurt is because I wanted to believe in the person she was pretending to be, but the other part is that I do not believe people are acting only from self-interest, and wasn't prepared for this kind of power struggle. I'm still not prepared for it, in the future I'll just avoid it unless it's a work-related situation. I found a book on emotional blackmail helpful, it describes what people are like who only want to "win":
"if people genuinely want to resolve a conflict with you in a fair and caring way, they will:
talk openly; find out about your feelings and concerns; find out why you are resisting what they want; accept responsibility for their part of the conflict.
However, if somebody's primary goal is to win, they will: try to control you; ignore your protests; insist that their character or motives are superior to yours; avoid taking any responsibility.

I think some of the other posts in this list are also very important:
- someone who is not self-absorbed or self-obsessed (and is therefore able to be considerate of others)
- someone who takes up their share of the load
- actions match words is a must for me now. The very first time they don't do this, I'm going to cut them really short until I have a solid reassurance it was a mistake.
-is able to introduce me to their friends or their world. In both abusive relationships I've been in, the person I knew in private was very different to the person I saw with others. I dismissed it as shyness and tried to be understanding and considerate, now I still it can have much more sinister motives (like vulnerable narcissism, definitely true of my most recent ex).
Independence is also very important. Like, also the independence to be "separate" people and be able to clear write or express that separateness, in a emotionally mature way. I think indepedence, a strong sense of self, as well as good communication are all very interlinked, actually. 

To be honest, these kinds of things are new for me. I would say what has enabled my ability to be victimized is that I don't have the assertiveness to really just list, pick, reject people based on their qualities. I'm too kind-hearted and forgiving, but also if somebody makes me feel special, and they are attractive and we are sexually compatible,  I will generally bond with that person. I see that as a weakness now and want to work on it in the future. That also becomes then about celebrating one's own qualities on one's own terms.. I have many wonderful qualities, I'm sure you all do too and I want to hold those more closely in my mind in order to get what I deserve in the future.

I think it's also important these sorts of lists are amenable. People aren't perfect, and compatability isn't a science. I actually like my caretaker qualities and would really like to use them in relationships, just not with somebody with a PD... like I read that people who grow up with a narcissistic parent (mine was my mother) develop a strong ability to love, which is true of me. I think seeing that somebody else has "core values" and will stick by those values is the strong sign of character that is imperative to let any future person into my life.

But do any of you really feel ready to have a relationship again? I'll be honest and say that I feel like I want to have totally superficial encounters with people and not go beyond that at all. I'm far from ready to even have those superficial encounters, but that is my desire.. I need to work on myself for at least a year, make friendships certainly but no relationships, before I would be ready to really open up or give my heart to anybody again.

 

[ILMBPDC]

I've been working through a journal called "Single is your superpower" which is about both self love and dating - but dating with purpose, not just dating to date. Basically he  gets you to write about "why" you are dating and digging into things about what you want out of relationships - and one of the chapters is pretty much this exact thread... and let me tell you, it can be hard to figure out when you have been so codependent for so long - I didn't even really know what I wanted. BUT the big one - the easy one - was someone who follows through - basically, their words match their deeds. I also put down: someone who supports my emotional needs (not just me supporting them all the time), someone who is honest, faithful and willing to commit (actually wants me to be a part of their life and not just stringing me along).

Reading the other responses here, I think I will add being considerate/caring about others, and has a good sense of self/doesn't seek external validation to prove who they are or that they are "better" than someone else.

Of course I have to have an attraction to them, I don't even think that needs to be on the list  . I went on a date recently with a guy who is perfectly good, seems like a nice guy, but no chemistry.  I know people who can do it, but without chemistry I feel like I'm dating my brother.

[GuyIncognito]

This is an interesting one to think about for me, because I've somehow been lucky enough to have another partner through my entire relationship with my BPDex who I am *not* in an unhealthy, codependent, caretaking, etc. kind of relationship with.

So a lot of my focus going forward is going to be doing my best to copy what we've managed to do that's worked so well with us, including a real focus on making sure we can communicate clearly about what we want, what we have to give, and the kind of structure we're looking to build together. If those things are good from day one, I'm just not even going to bother. I don't have the time or energy to invest in relationships of any sort where we're not both going to be communicative adult humans looking to add to our lives with each others' presence rather than make our lives worthwhile at all.

Showing me emotional intelligence and a willingness to own up to past mistakes is a huge plus, and something I'm realizing in hindsight was missing from every conversation about ex-partners that I had with my BPDex. There was always an explanation that came down to them being another piece of garbage narcissist man, and good thing I wasn't that (until I suddenly was along?). I never heard her own up to past mistakes in any way, much less talk about learning things from those experiences. I need to see that in a partner.

There's probably a lot more, like actual honesty, the hard kind when you need to say something that isn't going to be fun but you do it anyway because honest and challenging but worked through is so much better than dishonest and easy and hoped for to not be a problem again.

Also just general kindness. I know people gossip, talk about others, maybe even judge the things they're doing, but there's a world of difference between when I see it coming from a place of kindness and understanding, even if tinged with frustration, and when it just seems like you constantly talk trash about other people. My BPDex always liked to tell me that being with me had made her become more kind and patient with people, and I never had the heart to tell her that didn't really seem to be true at all.

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks Poppy for your long thought-out response.  I give it an "A", even though I didn't know it was for credit, .  I think you brought up a lot of good points and covered a lot of territory.  I do think it is important to think about the future, proactively, so we're not walking backwards into it.

A list like this is changeable, for sure.  I think of it like a list you make when you're buying a house, or making a major purchase/decision.  It's good to have a goal in mind and a needs assessment.  How many bedrooms, bathrooms, the distance to work, etc...   The final decision on the house (for example) most likely will be a compromise.  Maybe having 3 bathrooms isn't needed or the neighborhood isn't as important as you once thought because you found something ideal in another location.  At least you had an idea of the direction you wanted to go and adjusted expectations as things progressed and you learned more about your true wants and needs.

Yeah, of course I want to find a future partner who I find attractive and vice versa, but for me it's more about not giving undue weight to that when things start going amiss.  "She's too hot (smart, connected, rich) to be this crazy...wait, those are not mutually exclusive options, oh crap..."

But do any of you really feel ready to have a relationship again?

A good direct question and I will give you a good direct answer: Yes...No...I don't know.
"Yes" is what I thought in the months immediately afterward, to get over my BPDex, cleanse my soul with a normal authentic person and leave that nastiness in the dust.  But...over time I have been thinking about what happened and maybe it's good I've had time to contemplate it, avoid some traps, work on myself so I'm not so dependent on what my romantic partner thinks about me.  That and I hear the stories of people maybe getting pushed into a relationship and not being ready, and I think, "yeah, I could see that happening too."  So it's a "No".  Seemingly firm no, but...

Also, in large part to hearing other people's stories I feel unstuck in my thinking so for the first time in over a year I do feel much more ready and equipped to move forward in this arena.  I can point to many of the things you wrote, Poppy, too as tools to do that.  Test things a bit more.  A solid partner will respond more solidly.  Still tricky, but I have a good idea of what I'm not looking for.

So my answer is "Depends", which is kindofa "I don't know" exactly.