Lack of Affection

[13yearsbpd]

I am new to this site but I am looking for some help. I have been with my fiancé for 13 years. They were some rough years! We have been doing pretty well overall. He’s active in therapy- taking his medication and working on himself so he is doing all he can do to make it better. In return I’ve worked on myself- I researched everything that I can and can’t do to help him. So I understand it- well I don’t understand it from his level but I grasp why he does what he does. He had a horrible horrible childhood. Never shown love.. everyone usually just left him. He is a good person- not really angry unless he’s splitting but we communicate like crazy during those times now( it has not always been this). I am struggling hard with one thing and that’s affection. I’ll go for awhile where it won’t bother me because he does show his love in different ways and I have learned what those things are so I can recognize them. But I miss being held.. I miss the physical attention. He is on medication that does effect his sex drive so I get that too… I get it all! But understanding it doesn’t take away my sense of wanting to be held and comforted. Is there something I can do to help myself? Is there something I can do to help him?  I don’t want to discard his hard work at all because he has been trying very hard to heal himself from all the trama… blah

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you hug him? How do you express your affection to him?

[Hope4Joy]

You sound like you have invested a lot of time in understanding yourself and your partner. It sounds like physical touch is a primary love language for you, but not your partner. Do you know and speak their love language?
If it’s not familiar to you, read Gary Chapman.

[mitten]

Do you know and speak their love language?
If it’s not familiar to you, read Gary Chapman.

Serious wonder... do BPD significant others have an actual love language?  My BPD spouse and I read the book early in our marriage to see if we could understand each-other in a more loving way.  (This was before I knew about BPD).  We decided she didn't just have ONE love language, she had TWO of course haha- Gifts and Quality time (as you'd imagine). 

I think the danger of using the "love languages approach" for a BPD is that their need for quality time is infinite, (as is their need for gifts, etc) and more than ANYONE can provide in a healthy way.  So that is why I wonder if Love Languages actually applies to people with BPD traits?  What are your thoughts? 

[Hope4Joy]

I would love to hear other thoughts on love languages and BPD. I do think my husband has love languages of physical touch being high, quality time next which he has shown some decline in possibly because of depression and/or having a kid, and also words of affirmation. Acts of service and gifts he could care less about. It’s tough because acts of service is my love language and I feel like I speak it so much but it doesn’t mean love to him, and of course he thinks if I’m suggesting he could vacuum or something and I would feel loved and be more inclined to reciprocate physically that is just somehow really messed up. Before reading the book I would probably agree but at least there is some explanation.

[mitten]

Good point on the words of affirmation - wonder if that could also tie into validation?  My wife used to like to cuddle when we first started dating/ pre-kids.  But now that we have children she really isn't into touch at all.  I think she gets her physical touch by snuggling the kids to sleep, breastfeeding etc.  Although I realize it's very common for people with BPD to not want or desire physical intimacy long term, so this is probably the case in my case. 

[NonnyMouse]

I'm fairly certain it's Gifts for my uBPDw. She is always buying presents for acquaintances, people she doesn't really know well. Before I (re)discovered BPD I would always criticize her for coming across as needy.

When I buy her something she either says she appreciates it or she looks confused ("Does not compute. This person I hate is being nice to me.") I have to be very careful though. If I give her too many things she'll see it as some ploy to stop the threatened divorce!