Moving away and moving forward…

[thankful person]

Hi all, my wife and I are hoping to be moving house within the next weeks/months. She keeps talking about a new start and is excited and positive about the move. She is losing weight healthily and feeling better about herself and this is helping our relationship. She has random affirmations which come up on her phone and she shares with me, about respecting yourself, taking care of yourself, being positive etc. These affirmations are interesting because they also describe my private journey I’m on with this forum. I would like many certain things about our relationship to change (I know I have to be the instigator of change and that I can’t expect her to agree to change as such). I am under no illusions that life will suddenly be rosy in a new home and area and I also know that such experiences will be very stressful for her. But it seems a good opportunity for me also to make some changes. I am wondering how to play it though. Would it be unwise to relate her affirmations to my own life? For example, she reads something like, “I am taking back control of my own life” and I say, “yes I’d like to do that too. From now on I will wear what I want without needing your opinion” (not that I ever wanted it… but interestingly I’ve had four main relationships since I was 16 years old and all of my partners have told me that I have certain clothes they don’t like me wearing. IS THIS NORMAL? Just wondering because I never told them I don’t like their clothes. And by the way my clothes are fairly normal imho) I don’t think it’s a good idea to announce such things.. I think I just need to do these things and stand up for myself if challenged. Another major thing that makes me feel completely rubbish and disrespected is her screeching at me to GET OUT of the front room while she gets comfortable on the sofa (she has lots of trouble with this and the fact I have no helpful suggestions and am not supportive, and apparently it’s much harder to get comfortable if I’m in the room). But I know that it is just plain wrong that she gets to kick me out of our shared living room in order to get comfortable. What message is this giving our toddler who trots out of the room following me because she’d rather not be with the angry parent? Should I try and challenge this behaviour now, wait until we move, or maybe, tell her that I won’t be putting up with it either “when we move” or “when we get a new sofa”. Sadly I don’t believe for a minute that getting a new sofa will help. But it is certainly something we’re considering.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey BP, sorry I don't have as much time for this as I'd like...

this really stood out to me:

I don’t think it’s a good idea to announce such things.. I think I just need to do these things

 

Yes! It IS OK for us to just "do" our boundaries... we don't need to explain them to other people. (Of course each situation is different).

Additionally, pwBPD often struggle with "the rules are the same for you and me", or "if it is OK for me to do, it is OK for you to do" type scenarios. Using logic to try to "have things go our way" or to "justify" our choices to the pwBPD... well, I think you already have an idea how that would go.

It's fine and normal to decide within yourself "I think I will wear clothes that I enjoy today", without having to "justify" it to a loved one by saying "See how you want to take charge of your life? I am too, right now, by wearing what I want".

Sadly, those types of statements often "add fuel to the fire" instead of "letting the fire die out".

So curious to hear how it goes for you to wear what you decide within yourself YOU want to wear!

[GaGrl]

I would caution against putting deadlines or timelines out there, especially connected to the move. She might feel too much pressure being put in place on an event that will already be stressful.

Just take one of your needs of desires at a time, don't announce it as a boundary, and respond with a tool like SET when she reacts.

[thankful person]

Thank you both, I am starting to better understand why I messed things up so badly over the past eight years of our relationship. Some of it I had figured out, mostly how not to anger her.. but with your help I am now starting to see that I haven’t handled it the best way in letting her bully me like this. It’s over whelming what a mess things have become… but strangely liberating to know I don’t need to ask permission to do something she has forbidden me from doing such as wearing a top my mum bought me. I will try it soon and let you know how it goes!