First Post. Coping After Recent Breakup.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

I’ve spent the last three years on the emotional roller coaster that is being the partner of a person whose behaviors are characteristic of one diagnosed with BPD. It’s been “over” so many times, I’ve lost count. The emotional and occasional physical abuse have taken their toll and my heart hurts as much as my bloody lip. But despite the indescribable madness of these three years, I’m worried I’ll be wooed back in by my former partner with whom I parted ways this morning after an unbearable couple of days. He obviously sensed it was coming and he ramped up in every way imaginable, from name calling to refusing to have sex with me but setting up a scenario which had me walking into him having sex with someone else, stealing from me, punching me while I was driving and causing a scene in my hotel suite by screaming “help” and “rape” at the top of his lungs early in the morning, which put me in the position of having to deal with security and police. And as I’m saying to him that it’s over and to never contact me again, he tells me he’ll probably go kill himself and walks off, as one final parting shot. I pray he hasn’t committed suicide, and I really don’t think he has. My sense is he’ll wait a solid 48 hours and then call me like nothing bad has ever happened between us, just as he has any other time I attempted to end things.  I write because I need help and advice on staying away and I also need advice on how I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and diminished self-esteem. Thank you for reading.

[Numbhearted]

Hi All,

I’ve spent the last three years on the emotional roller coaster that is being the partner of a person whose behaviors are characteristic of one diagnosed with BPD. It’s been “over” so many times, I’ve lost count. The emotional and occasional physical abuse have taken their toll and my heart hurts as much as my bloody lip. But despite the indescribable madness of these three years, I’m worried I’ll be wooed back in by my former partner with whom I parted ways this morning after an unbearable couple of days. He obviously sensed it was coming and he ramped up in every way imaginable, from name calling to refusing to have sex with me but setting up a scenario which had me walking into him having sex with someone else, stealing from me, punching me while I was driving and causing a scene in my hotel suite by screaming “help” and “rape” at the top of his lungs early in the morning, which put me in the position of having to deal with security and police. And as I’m saying to him that it’s over and to never contact me again, he tells me he’ll probably go kill himself and walks off, as one final parting shot. I pray he hasn’t committed suicide, and I really don’t think he has. My sense is he’ll wait a solid 48 hours and then call me like nothing bad has ever happened between us, just as he has any other time I attempted to end things.  I write because I need help and advice on staying away and I also need advice on how I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and diminished self-esteem. Thank you for reading.

[SinisterComplex]

Numb, first...Welcome. Happy you have found this wonderful family.   I am truly sorry about what you have had to endure. If you wanted friends who get it and can help you then this is the place. Your support network outside of here will still be important as well, but this is something far too complex and complicated for the normal support network...your friends and family. Why? They will be there for you, but they probably do not really understand or get it. Its not your normal run of the mill stuff.

Here you are going to be welcomed with open arms and you can vent as much as you need to. What I need from you though...please do not beat yourself up. Do not blame yourself. And most of all please be kind to yourself. This is important. You are going to get through this. You are going to get better.

Truly, going back is not an option from just the little I see.

Additionally, the suicidal ideology...let yourself off the hook. That was meant to be used as a manipulative weapon to put you in a weakened position. Do not let it weigh you down. It is not your job to be the hero and save him. He has to save himself. You cannot worry about it and ultimately you have no control over that. If you were put in a position dealing with that you call the authorities and you let them deal with it. Nothing you do will change any outcomes. You can only affect the outcomes that pertain to you and you alone. You my dear need to focus on YOU and saving yourself. You have the power. Stand up for yourself and say F this S   !

I am going to leave it at that for now. Please continue to post. Share more of your story. Do not ever feel you are writing too much or sharing too much or that you are annoying. None of that. This is a safe place to work through this stuff. You let it all out and focus on healing yourself and creating a new better version of YOU!

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Numbhearted,

It's sounds as if you've had a terrible day today, I'm very sorry to hear what you endured.  So is this it?  Are you truly ready to call it quits and detach?  The bloody lip enough to do that?  It seems like a fresh wound to me and it's hard to tell if you will relent when your partner calls in 48 hrs.

It's up to you to make it stop, to create the distance and boundaries.  My story is different than yours, but I know things won't change unless you make those changes. Take care of yourself, focus on yourself for the moment.  Recharge and try to remember who you truly are.

There are many resources on this website to help you with the advice you seek in the library.  There are certainly similar situations to yours in the threads here.

I'm just getting the end of the story, and the end is always bad for partners of people with BPD.  Maybe when you're ready to share you can talk more about what got you to that point and if you truly think this is it.

[once removed]

the most important thing, i would say, is having a consistent and reliable support system.

most of us have gone back, more than once. its more the norm than the exception, and we understand when it happens. but should you go back, or not, youre going to need support.

has anything new happened today? how are you holding up?