Who gets your dysfunctional family members?

[zachira]

I come from an extremely narcissistic family in which the abusers are enabled by the other members of the family and family friends. I have noticed since childhood that certain people really get that my family members are cruel, though these people are never close friends or close relatives. It has helped me to feel that I am not crazy and am indeed deserving of better treatment when I see the looks of distress on outsiders faces when they see a family member being abused or hear from outsiders what they really think of the cruel behaviors of some of my closest relatives. Please share who were the people who really got it that your family members abuse some of the closest family members and how that helped you.

[Notwendy]

Nobody really. Except a sibling. We know what happened. Nobody else believes us so we don't bother talking about it.

My Dad's family doesn't think much of my mother, but they don't really know. Only those who live with her know what is is like, and my father wouldn't really discuss it much.

People here get it, but unless some actually has a BPD family member, I don't think they do.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Do you ever see any of the people who are around your mother, like the medical professionals who take care of her, indicate that they find her behaviors inappropriate and not very nice, either by their words and/or body language? I would not expect very many people to understand the two faced behaviors of people with BPD, acting pretty normal publicly while being unbelievably cruel to those closest to them when nobody outside the family is there to witness the behaviors. I realize some people with BPD are more able to hide how badly they treat those close to them. I think it would be terribly lonely and feel very invalidating to have nobody  or few people get what it is like to have a mother with BPD mistreat and invalidate you all the time.

[Woolspinner2000]

Only those who lived with my uBPDm saw who she was. Those on the outer fringe that she had conflict with or split knew something was amiss, but they certainly couldn't say what it was. They'd see erratic behavior directed towards them and stay away from her. I think unless you live with BPD very closely, they're wonderful at hiding it.

Wools

[Methuen]

Nobody outside of H.  But he still hasn’t ever had her rage or bad behavior directed at him, so even he has yet to receive the full experience, much less the cumulative lifetime effect of it.  In 33 years of marriage he’s only ever witnessed one of her rages.  She picks times when I am alone with her.  So nobody gets it.  Family and society’s expectations of me are high since she is such a waif.

[zachira]

I am asking who got it somewhat that your dysfunctional family members behaviors were not okay. I am not asking if outsiders saw the worst of the behaviors which are reserved for those closest to them or if they totally got it how badly those closest to them were treated in private. People with BPD and NPD cannot keep the mask on all the time, and there are always flashes of their bad behaviors with other people, especially people who are hired to be their caretakers. I was horrified how badly my mother with BPD mistreated the home health aides who were so kind to her. We don't get to see a lot of disapproval of the bad behaviors of dysfunctional people because they surround themselves with people who will enable their behaviors which contributes to their children feeling very alone and that nobody gets it at all. The nonenablers have healthy boundaries and are just not attractive to people with BPD and/or NPD. I have observed many times, my dysfunctional family members trying to impress or make friends with healthy people being either rejected by healthy people and/or losing interest quickly seeing that their bad behaviors will not be enabled. I find a big part of the healing process is seeing that there are a lot of great people out there who would never want to associate with my closest family members and with whom I learn a lot about about how to have healthy reciprocal caring relationships.

[HappyChappy]

My friends from school were scared of my BPD mom, so they know she was hard to live with and my brother was "odd" but that's about it. I confided in two close friends who said they believed me, but just didn't know what to say. So it was best just talking to those that get it, like therapist and on here.

[Notwendy]

Zachira- It has been validating to me that my mother's health care team is aware of her dysfunction. However, she is their main concern, as it should be. I am grateful that they are taking care of her. I do speak to them to keep them informed about what I know, because she may tell them something and not me, or vice versa and I may have information pertinent to her care.

But I don't share all of my experiences with her. It would not be appropriate. So yes, they "get" her as far as what they need to be her caretakers, but not the whole of the family dynamics.