Looking for a strategy to address verbal abuse

[NanaSue]

Hi, it's my first time posting here, so I thought I'd start small.  My DIL is diagnosed with BPD, and at times will make comments in my presence like "All teachers are idiots" (knowing full well that I am one myself).  Often, she'll follow it up with "That sounded rude, didn't it?" then laugh it off unapologetically.  Since reading the "Eggshells" workbook, I know this type of thing is typical of a BP, but I didn't find that most of the strategies there --which are also ones I use at school-- would work in my situation.  If a student crosses the boundary of appropriate behaviour, I can send them out of the room for time out.  They are motivated to want to return to their friends, so it works to improve the behaviour.  If I tell my DIL to leave, it just gives her a bigger wedge to drive between us and our son (who consistently takes her side), and she is not motivated to return, so the behaviour is unchanged AND the relationship with our son worsens.  But in my own home, if I'm the one to walk away, it feels like she's getting away with being rude and I'm running away.  But just sitting there and taking the abuse isn't an option either.  So are there any other techniques for how to respond to this type of thing?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Ultimately you'd be well-served to develop a thicker skin, because it's unlikely such comments are going to stop - and on the gamut of comments that land couples in trouble while visiting in-laws, it's even pretty tame.

Ultimately the pwBPD's judgement is flawed, so their judgements should not injure your sense of self-worth of course; though of course she sounds juvenile (how old is she, approx?)

[Sancho]

I agree with Pealsbefore. There are even people who don't have BPD who make those sort of comments.

Unless DIL's comments are more personal and abusive, I would just either let it go through to the keeper or respond with something like 'I suppose there are a lot of dills in all professions' - and have a laugh.

I know it means taking a lot, but it also means that she can't create the wedge, which in the long run is in your best interest.

[Naughty Nibbler]

NanaSue:
Sorry about the situation with your DIL.  Unfortunately, you have power over her & can't change her.  The only power you have is over yourself, how you react and the way you interact.

You will likely have to "Radically Accept" who she is and what she does, especially since you son defends her.  That's a no-win situation with both her and your son, so you got to decide what hill you want to die on.

DIL may even enjoy getting a reaction out of you, whether by spoken word, facial expression and/or body language.  So the best thing to do is just accept that she is who she is and will continue to do what she does.  Perhaps, over time, without getting a reaction out of her, some of her negative comments could subside.

What is commonly seen, when a son supports everything his spouse says and does, is that they go "no contact" with his parents and perhaps others.  BPD individuals typically pair with someone who lacks boundaries and is a people pleaser.  The one they please is their spouse, to the detriment of others.

So, one approach is "Grey Rock".  You become nonreactive.  You share very little and certainly don't talk about anything you might disagree on.  At your home, you need to find strategic ways to leave controversial conversations.  (Got to visit the bathroom, etc.).  When at their home, when things get too uncomfortable, you need to leave early.

You are in a "no-win" situation.  If there are grandchildren, you could get cut off from seeing them.  I can understand that it must be very unpleasant for you to be insulted and disrespected by your DIL.  Got to decide which hill you want to die on:  Get caught up in a "No Contact" situation, or learn to ignore the things she says and not react.
 

[Sancho]

Grey rock has been the best thing for me.