Made it 5 days so far No contact

[Dad50]

Might not seem like much, but your help on these boards is getting me through. I've kept her blocked on texts and social media. I tried out a new gym this weekend. It's only been a week, but seems like the space and distance is much more, so I am somewhat optimistic. 
Only problem is we were so enmeshed. Every waking second together, that EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I am still trying to remember what a normal relationship is. You know, where you do some stuff together, but also do stuff by yourself, or with other people. Part of me says I will never find someone who will build so many memories with me. Then I remember that that isn't normal, and the memories weren't that great.

Anyone in a relationship now that isn't defined by insecurity, fear of abandonment, and the need to be connected at the hip 24/7?

[poppy2]

Congratulations!

5 days of NC is a milestone. 14 Days is too. And Three months. And so on. Celebrate each and every one.

[SinisterComplex]

Might not seem like much, but your help on these boards is getting me through. I've kept her blocked on texts and social media. I tried out a new gym this weekend. It's only been a week, but seems like the space and distance is much more, so I am somewhat optimistic. 
Only problem is we were so enmeshed. Every waking second together, that EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I am still trying to remember what a normal relationship is. You know, where you do some stuff together, but also do stuff by yourself, or with other people. Part of me says I will never find someone who will build so many memories with me. Then I remember that that isn't normal, and the memories weren't that great.

Anyone in a relationship now that isn't defined by insecurity, fear of abandonment, and the need to be connected at the hip 24/7?

Congratulations good sir. Keep it up. Hey no matter how trivial it may appear it certainly isn't. That is a big F Deal!  If no one else says it...I am proud of you. You will win this battle and come out on so much better on the other side. 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[GaGrl]

One. Day. At. A. Time

[ILMBPDC]

I am proud of you!  I know how hard it was for you to detach at all so this is HUGE!

Anyone in a relationship now that isn't defined by insecurity, fear of abandonment, and the need to be connected at the hip 24/7?

No. I recently went on a couple dates with a guy who seems normal but I honestly don't think I'm ready to be out there.  Between my depression and not being healed yet, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself before I'm ready to try coupling up with someone again. I have developed some bad codependent patterns that I know need to be worked out or I'm just going to end up in the same place again (maybe not with a BPD but with yet another guy who takes advantage of it). I asked my therapist a few weeks back what a normal relationship even looks like...I'm not sure I've ever had one  

[Dad50]

Ugggghhh, I am teaching a yoga class tonight and I checked my roster.  She signed up.

[Dad50]

Also, thanks for all the encouragement and support.

[ILMBPDC]

Ugggghhh, I am teaching a yoga class tonight and I checked my roster.  She signed up.

Wow. Just wow. That's tough.  Put on your professional hat and do your best to treat her like any other student. Don't engage if you can avoid it but practice BIFF if you have to speak with her, and watch out for JADE. 
BIFF: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0
JADE: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

[Dad50]

BIFF is perfect. As much as I would sometimes like to at least let them see how hurtful their words are, it is just not worth it and would fall on deaf ears. Biff is a good strategy.

I must say that I was spiraling a bit when I first saw I would have to face her again. My problem is that I have a hard time resisting responding when she reaches out. I was starting to feel so much better with 6 days now of no contact. I don't trust myself not to get sucked back in though.  I will try BIFF.
Thanks.

[poppy2]

If I can make a small contribution - you know, cant you also choose to not let her in the class? I mean if it's going to damage your healing, you can make that decision. It's also basically super strange she joined you're yoga class if you're separated now, isn't it? I think protecting your own space is important. If you're doing well in NC, then you could also find a way to prevent her from joining the class.

[ILMBPDC]

It's also basically super strange she joined you're yoga class if you're separated now, isn't it?

I suspect she's trying to keep him on the leash and if he's NC then this is a way for her to force contact.

Whether or not he can prevent her from attending class has a lot to do with who "owns" the class. If he just works for a company he may have zero say in who attends, he's hired to give the class, period.

[Dad50]

Yeah, I work for a franchise studio. She has a membership there. It's just something I am going to have to breathe through. Just frustrated that I was starting to feel better, and just thinking about it has kind of brought on a recurrence of sadness.

Of course my monkey mind/caretaker  says what if she is sad we are no contact. I don't want her to be sad. Maybe she is reaching out because she is sad.

Then I remember the last thing she said to me which was "block me on all forms of communication, and it's no skin off my nose if we go no contact, I just wanted to help you."

Then I remember all the things you all have helped with. I have to stop wondering or even caring if she is sad. That's not my job and never was. And reminding myself that remaining her friend was not good for my self esteem.  Anyway, I will make it through tonight. Thanks.

[poppy2]

Then I remember all the things you all have helped with. I have to stop wondering or even caring if she is sad. That's not my job and never was. And reminding myself that remaining her friend was not good for my self esteem.  Anyway, I will make it through tonight. Thanks.

Glad to hear it. I was also triggered two days ago (checked social media) and it also really helped me to vent/question on the forums, to reach that place of equanimity or self-focus again. Good luck!

[ILMBPDC]

Then I remember all the things you all have helped with. I have to stop wondering or even caring if she is sad. That's not my job and never was. And reminding myself that remaining her friend was not good for my self esteem.  Anyway, I will make it through tonight. Thanks.

You have come so far in a short time - you can get through this!

[babyducks]

Of course my monkey mind/caretaker  says what if she is sad we are no contact. I don't want her to be sad. Maybe she is reaching out because she is sad.

maybe she is sad.    maybe she is angry.    maybe she is happy.    maybe she is frustrated.   she is probably all of those things.    and maybe she is cycling through those emotions more rapidly than we can imagine.

pwBPD live with a tremendous amount of what is called "Thought Instability" -  the

"- Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever."

and

"- Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary
- Their interpretation of events is the only truth
- Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic
- Do not see the impact of their own behavior on others
- Deny the perceptions of others"

that is from Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.   I recommend the book highly.

I recommend it because it talks a lot about why we Caretake.    and it touches on why our caretaking is like an addiction.

How did the yoga class go?

[Dad50]

maybe she is sad.    maybe she is angry.    maybe she is happy.    maybe she is frustrated.   she is probably all of those things.    and maybe she is cycling through those emotions more rapidly than we can imagine.

pwBPD live with a tremendous amount of what is called "Thought Instability" -  the

"- Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever."

and

"- Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary
- Their interpretation of events is the only truth
- Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic
- Do not see the impact of their own behavior on others
- Deny the perceptions of others"

that is from Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.   I recommend the book highly.

I recommend it because it talks a lot about why we Caretake.    and it touches on why our caretaking is like an addiction.

How did the yoga class go?

She ended up cancelling and didn't come. There was no contact, she just cancelled through the reservation system. I think that was for the best. My mind went a little bit towards wondering about her and if she was reaching out, but I was able to shut those thoughts down pretty well.

[GaGrl]

This is a bit off-topic, but I can't help but wondering and asking...

How is your parenting and time with your children, now that your ex is not able to interfere?

[ILMBPDC]

She ended up cancelling and didn't come. There was no contact, she just cancelled through the reservation system. I think that was for the best. My mind went a little bit towards wondering about her and if she was reaching out, but I was able to shut those thoughts down pretty well.

Thank you for updating us!  I was thinking about you last night hoping it went well.  I'm glad she canceled!   I know how hard it was for you to go NC and seeing her so soon would have been a huge challenge. It sounds like you are getting a handle on your thought processes which is awesome. You are starting to heal.

[Dad50]

This is a bit off-topic, but I can't help but wondering and asking...

How is your parenting and time with your children, now that your ex is not able to interfere?

.

Thanks for asking and reminding me of why I am doing this. Not just for myself.  I feel like I protected my kids as much as possible from the collateral damage of a dysfunctional relationship, but I am not naive. I know kids are more perceptive than we know.

I felt I was a good dad, but now I am getting back closer to the dad I was before. My kids are teenagers now, so it is harder to find things they like to do with the old man, but our incidental times, family dinners, hanging out together in the living room, etc. are filling. I am re-building with them, and getting back to being a better dad.