I'm close to break NC

[Anonym2806]

Hi guys,

Having difficult time here.
She's with the replacement, just met him last month and already introduced to her family (I never had that chance, she was always looking for excuses).
The guy is a downgraded version of me (Heavy cocaine consumer and bad boy reputation).
I met her with him last month while I was walking on the street, she shown me to him (I was so uncomfortable). I ignored her, she unblocked me the day after on imessage.

Last week-end, she was at her sister wedding and brought the guy with her. Wawww, am I that worthless for saying the truth?
I'm so hurt again. I don't understand how she can easily move on and makes like this relationship is more important than us.
I want to reach out. I want again to let her know I stll think about her and want to make things work for us.

I see a therapist since I know her and it's like I learn nothing from there. How come I can't forget her?

Thanks for your inputs guys.

[Cant breathe]

DO NOT DO IT. I broke NC yesterday, reached out to show my heart, just to say I hoped I hadn't hurt him somehow and that we should have talked in the end. Got burned. He actually made of point of saying how great his relationship was with the replacement. (his ex, who I had replaced after she had replaced me. see a pattern?) Not a single word of care of concern about me even though a small sentence wouldn't have been hard for anyone else. It was strange and hurtful given the decades we have known each other.

Just don't do it. These folks are incapable of kind thoughts about you when they are done with you. They can't hear or feel you anymore. I know it seems impossible to believe given how loving they can be when they are with us, but that switch gets flipped and it's all done. I know. I'm on round five here. It's always the same. Actually, the cruelty of the discard escalates with the years. Shocking.

And even knowing all of this, I responded to his text yesterday. Something about how I can't be the only person who feels this loss. It was a ridiculous, emotional thing to say. I KNOW he doesn't feel the loss. I know what mode he is in. I also know he won't answer. (because I have more experience at this than you.) Maybe years from now he will come to his senses and for a fleeting moment realize what he did. Maybe not. I hope I learn how not to care.

[ILMBPDC]

I want to reach out. I want again to let her know I stll think about her and want to make things work for us.

She doesn't care. All you will do is make yourself more vulnerable and let her know she still "has" you which, even though she doesn't want you, pumps up her ego and feeds her need for validation. But you will get nothing not of it except more hurt.

Its been 9+ weeks for me and I still occasionally struggle with this - in my case I have no problem not texting/calling/seeing him but I want to look at his social media or ask mutual friends how he is (still forms of contact even if we don't directly interact). Thus far, I have been able to keep myself from doing it - I know all it will do is break my heart all over again.  I remind myself of the pain he caused me and how I don't want to go through that again. I remind myself of the ways we were incompatible. I come on the forum which helps reinforce the importance of NC in my own head (both just reading posts about other people's experiences and also responding to people help me). And I try to distract myself - this could be reading a book, watching Netflix, doing homework, walking the dogs, talking with friends/family, cooking/baking something, researching a new interest online - literally anything that puts my focus elsewhere.

I hope this helps give you some ideas of getting past this feeling of breaking NC but whether you do or not we are here for you
 

[Anonym2806]

Hi Ladies,

You have right, both; It's just worst with time. I'm pissed off she went to the wedding with her replacement. It means the relationship is more official that the one we had.
I'm a business owner so I'm busy. But some days, I can't work and try to go to the gym or running or boxing. But it still difficult.
I feel insulted she went with this cheap guy and introduce him to her family.

I'm becoming the crazy one.

[ILMBPDC]

It means the relationship is more official that the one we had.

I get this - it hurt that I never met his family even though he talked about it (more empty promises). I was shocked when he moved the next girl in with him pretty quickly after they started dating (they lasted 4 months). It hurt to know I was never as important as his love bombing led me to believe.

I'm becoming the crazy one.

You know what?  I felt the same way - I felt crazy, chaotic in my own head and I am NOT a crazy person...but being with him made me that way.  The chemical reaction to how they treat you literally changes your brain. Its messed up.

My best advice is to do your best to avoid anything to do with her. Don't look at her social media (ideally, block her), don't bring her up with mutual friends, and if they bring her up  steer the conversation away or even bluntly say you don't want to talk about her.   Being out of the situation, out of her sphere of influence, will give you perspective and you can't get that if you keep letting her into your head. And you can't heal without perspective.

[Anonym2806]

I get this - it hurt that I never met his family even though he talked about it (more empty promises). I was shocked when he moved the next girl in with him pretty quickly after they started dating (they lasted 4 months). It hurt to know I was never as important as his love bombing led me to believe.

I guess this is what will happen next. She drove our relationship in a chaotic path. She did everything wrong. But I guess this guy, they have probably drugs together.
So you said "they lasted 4 months. Did they break up after 4 months?

You know what?  I felt the same way - I felt crazy, chaotic in my own head and I am NOT a crazy person...but being with him made me that way.  The chemical reaction to how they treat you literally changes your brain. Its messed up.

My best advice is to do your best to avoid anything to do with her. Don't look at her social media (ideally, block her), don't bring her up with mutual friends, and if they bring her up  steer the conversation away or even bluntly say you don't want to talk about her.   Being out of the situation, out of her sphere of influence, will give you perspective and you can't get that if you keep letting her into your head. And you can't heal without perspective.

She ghosted me when I told her she was flirting with other guys on instagram. It was obvious. But I don't know why she doesn't do the same with him? I don't know why with me. What was wrong with me?

[Dad50]

"She ghosted me when I told her she was flirting with other guys on instagram. It was obvious. But I don't know why she doesn't do the same with him? I don't know why with me. What was wrong with me?"


Nothing is wrong with you. Mine did the same exact thing. I had to spend 24/7 with her to prove my love, but new guy gets to see her once a day and that's enough. We had to do everything together to the point of if I bought shampoo on my own cause I was out I' catch hell for not including her. New guy gets to have autonomy. 

It hurts so bad, but it is not real. They are just love bombing in a different way. It's not you. Ever fiber of your essence screams, "If she treats him like that, she could treat me like that, and we could be okay."

How she treated you is who she is. I have to remind myself all the time. How she treated you is who she is. Doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache.

[ILMBPDC]

So you said "they lasted 4 months. Did they break up after 4 months?

yep, they were together almost exactly 4 months, from early Feb to early June. And within a couple days of dumping her he texted me that he did so, after a month of no contact.  At that point we were still friendly and would occasionally talk. I basically became his therapist with benefits for the next 2 months before he discarded me fully.  During this time he admitted he was sure he was BPD, that he thinks he wanted "enmeshment" (his words) with the recent ex and that she was "mean" to  him (with no explanation of what that mean but I sort of doubt she was actually mean). I was sucked in pretty handily since I still had feeling for him and he knew that. I am actually extremely grateful he cut me off with zero contact because I was so tethered to him I wouldn't have never initiated it even though he was just breadcrumbing me to string me along. Hindsight is 20/20

She ghosted me when I told her she was flirting with other guys on instagram. It was obvious. But I don't know why she doesn't do the same with him? I don't know why with me. What was wrong with me?

Every single one of us has asked themselves this question. And not one of us has ever gotten an answer.  We can never understand their thought process, it makes no sense to the rational mind. You need to know, it was never about you. There is nothing wrong with you. Whatever role you played in her mind has nothing to do with who you are as a person or your worth.

I did a lot of reading about BPD after my discard and came to accept that I will never understand his brain or how he could do something like that. I learned to stop questioning what *I* did to make him do that because it wasn't ever about me, its how he treats everyone who gets close to him (girlfriends, best friends). And I came to realize that is not the type of energy I want in my life.

You will get there.

[Anonym2806]

Wawww that’s rough for all of you as well.
I don’t understand as well something. She uses a fake account to lurk my social media. I know it’s her because I sent a fishing link to get the ip address. And I got her.
So what’s the point? You don’t want to be with me, you ignored me for months,  you are in a relationship and you still lurking my social media?

That’s so PLEASE READed up. 

[SinisterComplex]

Agreed that is F Up! That BS is done by design. She thinks you will still be around for her. You are now a stand-by. Essentially she would come back strictly for the ego trip and to feel the good feelings and when that inevitably wears off put you through the ringer again and then discard you just the same. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. You are essentially dealing with a broken record. Its sad and unfortunate. Don't be surprised by anything because if you use logic you will have this same kind of response every time. The disordered do not make sense. They have a distorted view of reality and they are literally wired completely opposite of what you expect. BPD sufferers are the quintessential example of a paradox.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[grumpydonut]

Dear Anon,

How do you do that? I need that skill in my life. My ex used to stalk me too, but I never knew how to prove it.

[Anonym2806]

Dear Anon,

How do you do that? I need that skill in my life. My ex used to stalk me too, but I never knew how to prove it.

https://grabify.link/
You generate a link with her profile and then when she click on it, it gives you the ip.