4yrs on (update)

[Longterm]

Hi all.

Firstly, a big hello to those who know me. It has been quite a while but know that I think of you all often and will be eternally grateful for the solid advice and support received during some of the hardest years of my life. I hope you and yours are well 

For those of you who don't know me, know that you are in a good place with others that understand.

Heres the short version:

My relationship was 20yrs long and ended in utter carnage, it was brutal and I was on the verge of suicide. My now ex wife (I still enjoy saying that) is imo, a malignant narcissist with most traits of bpd and aspd.

Me and the kids ended up in therapy and the last recycle would prove to be the most destructive. She tried to get me locked up and attempted suicide. The kids, broken and bruised cut her off. The major breakup occurred in late 2017 with all the usual fun. Within days of me moving out a new man moved in, this "man" was a convicted sex offender. She demonized me and systematically used the kids against me, the longest I went without seeing them was 5 months. I have never been so low in my life, I could easily go 5-6 days without eating and lost a dangerous amount of weight. The trauma and psychological damage was palpable. I went through all the usual emotions. The incessant thinking about her was crippling, I thought about her 100% of the time. I could not communicate with other people. It was horrible. My self esteem battered and all I did was make up excuses for her abuse of me. I wanted to save her and I wanted to save my family, I thought because of knowledge gained, I could. I was naive and I was wrong.

She eventually came back and I went into "fixing" mode. I took her back and the consequences of that decision still haunt me, that was 2.5yrs ago.

The kids live with me now and have done for a number of years. Feel free to check out my posts, there's enough of them , a lot has happened.

Anywho, the last recycle left us all in a bad place, we all ended up in therapy but slowly and surely things have been better. Much, much better. My own therapy helped me come to terms with much of my childhood and my broken relationship with my mother, a very painful subject. It all helped shape me and it was important that I explored this and accepted things that I did not want to. The family psychology has been fascinating for me, the dynamics etc. I come from a very dysfunctional family and this shaped my adult behaviour.

I came out of therapy much more switched on to my own emotions, I learned to explore them and accept them for what they were. For the first time in my life I no longer felt burdened by the past, very strange for me but very freeing.

I also began to think of my own needs, something I had never done in my life. My happiness does matter. I don't think I have ever been happier in my life, I have much that I want to do and much to look forward to.

But... you was waiting for that right? Its never easy is it . I have been strict NC for 2.5yrs. During this time there have been many games but I have not played ball. It started with my oldest son, he's the most gullible and had begun to talk to her. I told him its his life and he can do what he thinks best but I do not want him to discuss her around me. He started with "she said to tell you..." and all that kinda stuff. I always shut him down as I know she simply uses him for her own agenda. I've kept it at bay as best as I could whilst encouraging the kids to put themselves and their emotions at the forefront. Last week I found out my daughter has been talking to her to. This completely shocked me as my daughter has probably suffered the most. I spoke to her and was almost in tears when she said "she's changed dad, she means it this time". I told her I loved her and was worried about her thinking and if she wants to go back down the rabbit hole she will be doing it on her own this time. She says because she understands what's wrong with her she has it under control and won't let her manipulate her anymore. I told her she doesn't and she is wrong. As with my son I have told her I do not wish to discuss her mother at all, I simply do not want to know and will shut down any attempts to pass messages on.

Now, this is not good. This is exactly what happened last time. She does not give a crap about the kids and will simply use them to get to me. Last time she told my daughter she is dead to her once the discard was complete. The damage to the daughter and the other kids was horrendous, all because I took them down the rabbit hole with me. I will never forgive myself for being so naive.

Monday...I'm at work and the phone rings, it was a mobile number. I answered because I have recently started my own business and ordered some equipment from abroad, I thought it was customs calling. "Hello, hello?..." nobody there. I call back but it just rings out, I call once more and it goes to answerphone. "Oh crap" I think I've missed customs. I google the number but there's no known owner. Then...the number texts me.

"I still love you, and I will love you to the day I die"

All sorts going through my head, I text back "who's this?" With no reply. I'm thinking one of the girls at work is winding me up. About an hour later I realise that if I save the number to contacts and go to WhatsApp there may be a picture. I do that and BOOM, a photo of my exW staring back at me! My legs go to jelly, my chest goes tight and I have a panic attack right there and then.

I have not slept properly since and am on edge. People at work are saying "what's wrong? You've not been your usual self this week" it's reminded me of how I used to be, and how I used to feel. I don't like it and I want this to go away.

L

[grumpydonut]

Hey Longterm,

How about this? Get angry! Rather than fall back into your old patterns of weakness (this isn't written to offend, but that's what's happening, she's drawing you back into a submissive state), take hold of your internal locus of control and get angry. Remind yourself of how she stripped you of your self respect, dignity and opened up childhood wounds that you didn't deserve. Remind yourself that she told your daughter that she was dead to her (who does that, seriously). Remind yourself about when you were at her whims, being stuck in a state of external locus of control and seemingly unable to do anything about it. She is a broken, disordered individual who is telling your kids that she has changed, yet is still exhibiting typical behaviour of a BPD, NPD and ASPD. She is trying to suck you back into her pathetic world.

Get angry. Anger, when allowed to flow through you in appropriate ways, creates strength. You are not her victim, you are a survivor who got over her nonsense and built a better life. That took resilience. That is an example of your adaptability.

And, finally, listen to your nervous system. Your nervous system is saying "danger". It would do the same if you saw a poisonous snake or a wild lion that wanted to eat you. Think about that.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, Longterm, so glad to see you updating. I've often thought about you and wondered how you are doing.

It sounds like you were caught very off guard by this and are likely having a traumatic reaction...an emotional flashback, most likely. Your nervous system is responding as if the threat is the same as you experienced while in the relationship.

First, try some deep breathing. Remind yourself that you are, in fact, safe. She cannot come back, even if she wants to, without you allowing it.

Is there a way to block the calls from her?

Are you still in therapy? The kids?

I think that it's probably natural that they want to believe their mom has changed. She is the only mom they have and it's really hard to accept that you can't have a loving and healthy relationship with a parent. Lots of us as adults still struggle with this. You may have to brace yourself to be there to support them when their magical thinking about her falls apart and she hurts them again. Remember, it took you years to figure out how manipulative she is and that a healthy relationship wasn't possible. They're still learning about the patterns and cycles, and the relationship is different.

You can choose to stay no contact. You don't have to enter back into the relationship. You can take steps to keep yourself safe. The threat feels worse than it is and you have more power than you feel you do to stay safe.

It's good to hear from you again.

[Turkish]

Longterm,

That's brutal. I'm also sorry that she's triangulating the kids to send messages.

My ex was pretty benign compared to what you went through, but she literally asked to come back (by text) "I've been thinking about it..." this was after we had a family day with the kids. She was separated from her husband, the young guy she left me for. The kids were mad at me that mommy had to go home. They and my ex were crying.

Their feelings were real, but then I thought "what's in it for me?" And, "would it be healthy for the kids?"

She'd been thinking about it? I had no clue given our limited contact co-parenting. It wasn't about me, but missing her kids.

Two years later, she asked to borrow $25k from me to pay off her credit card debt. She had initiated divorce proceedings with her stbxh. Again, I thought, "what's in it for me?"

Speaking of missing her kids, I was in an accident on my night 2 years ago. I called her to pick them up as I had to wait for the cops. It turned out that I would have made it on time, but I didn't know.

She later told me that it was her running time and the kids triggered her such that she said, "I don't even know why you guys are here! It's daddy's night!" She had taken them running with her. And she wonders why she to this day has issues with them, especially D9. That's the emotional equivalent of saying, "I don't love you!" I know she does love them, except it's how I felt in the relationship, "if she loves me, why does she treat me more that and say horrible things?"

You might already know this, but this is about her using her family to assuage her fickle emotions, using you all for comfort.

It's harder given her relationships with the kids given that she's their mother, at least for them.

Always ask yourself, "what's in it for me?" That's not selfish, it's survival.

[GaGrl]

People often think that the conflict, strife, and emotional disturbance is over, once the divorce is finalized.

We know different.

My H and I had been married for about 8 years when his uBPD/NPD had a relationship crisis with her boyfriend. (All their shared children were well into 30s by this time.)

She called H, proposing that they get back together. The divorce was years -- YEARS -- into the past by then, but she always referred to me as "Mia Noi," or Second Wife in her culture. As far as she was concerned, she was First Wife and could dictate how relationships fell out. Totally detached from reality by that point. The first thing H had to do was persuade her not to shoot hit SO (she had a previous arrest for firearms threat plus one involving a tire iron).

Do not minimize the severity of the situation.

As we have detached from the Ex's behaviors, we still have to coach and support H's adult children in their interactions with their very disordered mother. It is getting worse (she is in her 60s now). She may need to be committed, with a conservatorship...very paranoid behavior.

Again, do not minimize.

[Longterm]

Hey Longterm,

How about this? Get angry! Rather than fall back into your old patterns of weakness (this isn't written to offend, but that's what's happening, she's drawing you back into a submissive state), take hold of your internal locus of control and get angry. Remind yourself of how she stripped you of your self respect, dignity and opened up childhood wounds that you didn't deserve. Remind yourself that she told your daughter that she was dead to her (who does that, seriously). Remind yourself about when you were at her whims, being stuck in a state of external locus of control and seemingly unable to do anything about it. She is a broken, disordered individual who is telling your kids that she has changed, yet is still exhibiting typical behaviour of a BPD, NPD and ASPD. She is trying to suck you back into her pathetic world.

Get angry. Anger, when allowed to flow through you in appropriate ways, creates strength. You are not her victim, you are a survivor who got over her nonsense and built a better life. That took resilience. That is an example of your adaptability.

And, finally, listen to your nervous system. Your nervous system is saying "danger". It would do the same if you saw a poisonous snake or a wild lion that wanted to eat you. Think about that.

Hi grumpydonut.

Now that I've had chance to rearrange my brain I am angry, very angry. The audacity is mind boggling, the self absorbed, self entitlement disgusts me.

You haven't offended me at all and your right, I had forgotten that I used to live like that but believe me, it's all coming back now. How dare she even contact me after everything she did, I feel violated.

That's the first thing I thought last week when I found out my daughter had spoke to her, "danger". Then I immediately went into protective mode when telling my daughter to not mention her around me.

Your message got me thinking straight again, I'm the strong one, not the weak one and I'm not going to let her poison spread through my veins, thank you 

[Longterm]

Hi, Longterm, so glad to see you updating. I've often thought about you and wondered how you are doing.

It sounds like you were caught very off guard by this and are likely having a traumatic reaction...an emotional flashback, most likely. Your nervous system is responding as if the threat is the same as you experienced while in the relationship.

First, try some deep breathing. Remind yourself that you are, in fact, safe. She cannot come back, even if she wants to, without you allowing it.

Is there a way to block the calls from her?

Are you still in therapy? The kids?

I think that it's probably natural that they want to believe their mom has changed. She is the only mom they have and it's really hard to accept that you can't have a loving and healthy relationship with a parent. Lots of us as adults still struggle with this. You may have to brace yourself to be there to support them when their magical thinking about her falls apart and she hurts them again. Remember, it took you years to figure out how manipulative she is and that a healthy relationship wasn't possible. They're still learning about the patterns and cycles, and the relationship is different.

You can choose to stay no contact. You don't have to enter back into the relationship. You can take steps to keep yourself safe. The threat feels worse than it is and you have more power than you feel you do to stay safe.

It's good to hear from you again.

And I, you 

Hello Redeemed, how are you getting on? The kids doing OK? How is school?

Yes, indeed. I have not felt it for so long that I almost fell over, I had to take a knee and concentrate on my breathing, it felt horrible. I am safe, you are right, there is no danger, it was just a reaction. I am calm now, angry but calm. I meditated a bit, it always helped before and still does.

I blocked the number immediately and also on WhatsApp. I have no idea how she got my number, it must have been one of the kids. I'm not angry at them and have not even asked them about it, they do not understand what's happening.

I was going to stop therapy but ended up with her for over a year, eventually with the virus we moved to phone appointments and then I decided to go it alone. I felt as though I needed to not rely on it, to make my own judgement and take control of my decision making. Plus, I think I burned out with cluster B. I wanted to get away from it, to focus on other things, to focus on me and what I wanted for my future. I think it was the right thing to do, and I still do. My therapist agreed and told me to call if I was ever in need, she's a lovely woman, I sent her a thank you card and flowers.

Of course, you a right. My therapist told me exactly the same, she said they have to go through their own cycles and I'm powerless to stop it. I have to accept that I cannot help them here, it hurts. I've often spoke of how they must feel, it's heartbreaking stuff. I've tried to push as hard as I can to get them to think of themselves and their own happiness but they have to learn for themselves.

Oh, I will be staying NC believe me, I won't give her the satisfaction.

 

[Longterm]

Longterm,

That's brutal. I'm also sorry that she's triangulating the kids to send messages.

My ex was pretty benign compared to what you went through, but she literally asked to come back (by text) "I've been thinking about it..." this was after we had a family day with the kids. She was separated from her husband, the young guy she left me for. The kids were mad at me that mommy had to go home. They and my ex were crying.

Their feelings were real, but then I thought "what's in it for me?" And, "would it be healthy for the kids?"

She'd been thinking about it? I had no clue given our limited contact co-parenting. It wasn't about me, but missing her kids.

Two years later, she asked to borrow $25k from me to pay off her credit card debt. She had initiated divorce proceedings with her stbxh. Again, I thought, "what's in it for me?"

Speaking of missing her kids, I was in an accident on my night 2 years ago. I called her to pick them up as I had to wait for the cops. It turned out that I would have made it on time, but I didn't know.

She later told me that it was her running time and the kids triggered her such that she said, "I don't even know why you guys are here! It's daddy's night!" She had taken them running with her. And she wonders why she to this day has issues with them, especially D9. That's the emotional equivalent of saying, "I don't love you!" I know she does love them, except it's how I felt in the relationship, "if she loves me, why does she treat me more that and say horrible things?"

You might already know this, but this is about her using her family to assuage her fickle emotions, using you all for comfort.

It's harder given her relationships with the kids given that she's their mother, at least for them.

Always ask yourself, "what's in it for me?" That's not selfish, it's survival.

Hi Turkish.

I hope you are doing well and the kids are OK 

I hear you, there's nothing healthy about this situation at all and there is 100% nothing in it for me except for the destruction of my soul.

Yes, I'm aware, she can go get comfort somewhere else because I don't give a crap, not my problem.

Yes it is. She will just use them, tell them what they want to hear to get what she wants, it's insidious and disgusting.

 

[Longterm]

People often think that the conflict, strife, and emotional disturbance is over, once the divorce is finalized.

We know different.

My H and I had been married for about 8 years when his uBPD/NPD had a relationship crisis with her boyfriend. (All their shared children were well into 30s by this time.)

She called H, proposing that they get back together. The divorce was years -- YEARS -- into the past by then, but she always referred to me as "Mia Noi," or Second Wife in her culture. As far as she was concerned, she was First Wife and could dictate how relationships fell out. Totally detached from reality by that point. The first thing H had to do was persuade her not to shoot hit SO (she had a previous arrest for firearms threat plus one involving a tire iron).

Do not minimize the severity of the situation.

As we have detached from the Ex's behaviors, we still have to coach and support H's adult children in their interactions with their very disordered mother. It is getting worse (she is in her 60s now). She may need to be committed, with a conservatorship...very paranoid behavior.

Again, do not minimize.

Hi GaGrl

I'll be honest, I did kind of think that maybe that would be the end of it, this has reminded me that I must always be on guard. She has no shame, to treat me like that to go on to blame me and then send that message, unbelievable stuff.

Into their 30's! That's crazy, to think she still thinks she's that important is ridiculous. Your right, completely detached.

I'm not minimising trust me. She has gone to great lengths in the past to get me back under control. The statistics say she has a 100% success rate, whilst I have never not gone back, grim. I'm not bending this time, things have been fantastic. My sleep is great, like clockwork. My anxiety has greatly improved and I'm a much more positive person than I was. Not to mention the things I've been up to like starting my own business. This is a really exciting time for me and I have much I want to build and achieve, not to mention that I have a date in 2 weeks. I want to learn to trust again. There's is no way on earth I'm trading all this for further abuse from someone who doesn't deserve my time or energy. The most she may get from me is a sweeping brush in the post with a note saying "clean up your own mess"

L

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks for asking, LT! I am halfway through my master's program. S5 started kindergarten (never mind me, just crying over here because he's the baby of my babies). D14 has been babysitting for me and is about to spend fall break with us. My oldest son just turned 10 (more mama tears) and I have hired a lawyer to try and get full custody back of all of them. I also officially filed for divorce and have a court date Nov 4. Ex did not respond to the petition and I don't expect him to even be there. He just had a new baby and is own house arrest for felony theft.

Recently, I ran into my kids' former foster parent in a local store where I frequently shop. She mentioned seeing my ex in the same store a few days ago. I was instantly on guard and did not go back to the store until seeing my therapist.

My T asked me what the worst thing that could happen would be should I run into him in the store. I said that the worst thing would be if my son saw and recognized him and then my ex started his emotional manipulation again, as that makes me feel unsafe and unable to protect myself or my son. She helped me see that even if that happened, both my son and I have proper supports in place for dealing with the impact of this scenario. Since then, I found the courage to go back to the store and take a chance that I may run into him.

It's my neighborhood, where I moved to be safe, and I will be darned if I let him run me off.

I think your response to this latest attempt at contact shows that you have developed skills and resilience for dealing with these unpleasant and uncomfortable issues. Good for you, and congratulations on the business...and the date.

[Longterm]

Wow, this is all great news! Go you 

You'll soon have them all back, it's just a matter of time. You have shown great strength and determination and I'm soo happy for you, you deserve it.

Great news on the divorce too, your right in that he will unlikely attend but it matters not. Felony theft, nice.

Wow, that would of freaked me out too, that must not of been nice for you. Good on you though for not letting him get the better of you. Sounds like your therapist came in handy there, the "what's the worst that could happen" question can be very empowering at times and a useful tool to get over hurdles.

Yes, I guess so. I'm fine again now, doing my own thing and almost feel silly for having such a reaction. I guess now I just feel violated and disgusted, how dare she contact me.

Thanks! The business was something fairly unexpected but I think that's a bit of self doubt, darn childhood I have plans next year to move and expand the business further, become more financially stable and I'm also going to start travelling a bit, there's much to see apparently  the date has come about from the girls at work pestering me one of them has a sister and apparently we are a perfect match. The last 2.5yrs I've not looked or been remotely interested but if it keeps the girls at work off my back what's the worst that can happen right?

Keep going forward Redeemed 

LT

[I Am Redeemed]

Wow, this is all great news! Go you 

You'll soon have them all back, it's just a matter of time. You have shown great strength and determination and I'm soo happy for you, you deserve it.

Thanks, LT

Felony theft, nice.

Yep. Last year, he and his girlfriend were homeless but drawing pandemic unemployment fraudulently. He rented a car, changed the Vin number on the paperwork,  and stopped making payments. The car was reported stolen and he was caught driving it with the altered paperwork.

I'm just waiting for the fraudulent business loan he took out to come back on him with federal charges

[poppy2]

Hi longterm,

I don't know you from before but I just want to say I was moved by your post. I think fear is a very powerful motivator - when we can listen to it properly - and I can imagine how difficult for you it must be to see all this triangulation. For what it's worth I can tell you that having one stable non-PD parent in the family makes a big difference to a kid's life, and in that sense setting these firm boundaries but also being there for your children is a strong and admirable position to take.

I hope your date goes well!

Best wishes

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Longterm,  I'm relatively new to the site too.  Thanks for sharing your story and update.  It provides me some solace to see I wasn't the only one cut so deep.  I only found this site because a year later I was still having problems with the split with my BPDex and looking for ways to cope, get her out of my thoughts.

I read your earlier posts and it does sound like utter carnage.  I also saw that early on you realized when you started that new relationship that you still weren't ready for that and backed out.  That showed some good judgement on your part even when in a bad place.

I hope the best for you and your business moving forward.  I know when I started mine every waking hour I was thinking or doing something related to it.  I recall staying up past 2am researching tax code so my filings would be right, etc...  I guess what I'm saying is that a person needs their head in the game during the start-up and not the meddling of a soul crushing BPDex in the mix.

Sounds like your on the right track and have good advice from trusted sources.  Good luck my friend.

[Longterm]

Yep. Last year, he and his girlfriend were homeless but drawing pandemic unemployment fraudulently. He rented a car, changed the Vin number on the paperwork,  and stopped making payments. The car was reported stolen and he was caught driving it with the altered paperwork.
I'm just waiting for the fraudulent business loan he took out to come back on him with federal charges

That's just ridiculous, jail is the only place he's heading but thankfully your future looks much more productive 

[Longterm]

I don't know you from before but I just want to say I was moved by your post. I think fear is a very powerful motivator - when we can listen to it properly - and I can imagine how difficult for you it must be to see all this triangulation. For what it's worth I can tell you that having one stable non-PD parent in the family makes a big difference to a kid's life, and in that sense setting these firm boundaries but also being there for your children is a strong and admirable position to take.

Hello Poppy2 

I agree with this too, I think fear is our bodies way of alerting us to the danger. For me, I look at it as a life or death situation. I'm not trying to sound dramatic believe me, but at least twice throughout this whole ordeal I have contemplated suicide. That feeling when your dropped on your head is soul destroying and I look at the fear as being my protection, it keeps me safe.

You know, I forgot what triangulation was until this week. It seems strange to say that when I lived and breathed cluster b. I will think about what I need and what I need to avoid in order to stay out of these triangles. Well, I will be in these triangles I guess but I won't be actively participating is what I mean.

LT.

[Longterm]

Hi Longterm,  I'm relatively new to the site too.  Thanks for sharing your story and update.  It provides me some solace to see I wasn't the only one cut so deep.  I only found this site because a year later I was still having problems with the split with my BPDex and looking for ways to cope, get her out of my thoughts.

I read your earlier posts and it does sound like utter carnage.  I also saw that early on you realized when you started that new relationship that you still weren't ready for that and backed out.  That showed some good judgement on your part even when in a bad place.

I hope the best for you and your business moving forward.  I know when I started mine every waking hour I was thinking or doing something related to it.  I recall staying up past 2am researching tax code so my filings would be right, etc...  I guess what I'm saying is that a person needs their head in the game during the start-up and not the meddling of a soul crushing BPDex in the mix.

Sounds like your on the right track and have good advice from trusted sources.  Good luck my friend.

Hi Ad Meliora 

Indeed, your not the only one. Everybody here has been through the mill and that's what makes the site so great. To sit and talk with others who have had similar experiences and know the pain is very validating. Try not to worry about time, just know it will take time. I still think about my exW all the time too but... not anywhere near the amount of time I used too. I thought about her 100% of the time, from waking up to going to sleep. My work suffered and so did everything else, my eating habits, weight etc. I was severely emotionally distressed and still she tried to hurt me further, that woman tried to destroy me and almost succeeded. Just know that while it is a horrid situation to be in, it WILL get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Try to focus on your needs and looking after yourself. It's a process, she will be in your thoughts for a while, tell yourself that that's OK and accept it as it is because it IS OK.

Thanks, although I'm probably a bit too cautious these days and it's holding me back in some areas, I want to begin to be more open to new things and people.

Oh yes, every waking hour is indeed business related. Talking to customers is non stop and relentless, I must say, I do enjoy it though. The tax is worrying me too , I like organising (a bit too much) so I'm probably overdoing tax calculation 

Good luck to you too and remember, this is not the end, it's the start of a better life.

LT

[poppy2]

I agree with this too, I think fear is our bodies way of alerting us to the danger. For me, I look at it as a life or death situation. I'm not trying to sound dramatic believe me, but at least twice throughout this whole ordeal I have contemplated suicide. That feeling when your dropped on your head is soul destroying and I look at the fear as being my protection, it keeps me safe.

Actually, I'm really glad that you say that. I have spent a lot of the last 5 months just "feeling fear"... first as a kind of background constant (I didn't realize), then explicitly (omg I'm so afraid all the time), and now just compulsively sometimes in how I check my phone or walk on the street or when I am triggered. I wish I had been breathing and listening to this fear beforehand, or been able to see it as a "gift" in a way that the book by de Becker says, but I ignored it. It is a life or death situation, in a way. I never, ever felt something like that in a relationship before. I would never try and compare my situation to a marriage but the fear is still totally real, and your post is a really good reminder for me of what contact might do in the future. My ex really betrayed my trust and this fear has "bound" me to her in a way it will take a long time to get over. I think what I am Redeemed says is the best response to this kind of fear - to remind yourself I'm safe, she isn't here, she can't hurt me unless I let her, etc. Soothing exercises.

[Longterm]

Actually, I'm really glad that you say that. I have spent a lot of the last 5 months just "feeling fear"... first as a kind of background constant (I didn't realize), then explicitly (omg I'm so afraid all the time), and now just compulsively sometimes in how I check my phone or walk on the street or when I am triggered. I wish I had been breathing and listening to this fear beforehand, or been able to see it as a "gift" in a way that the book by de Becker says, but I ignored it. It is a life or death situation, in a way. I never, ever felt something like that in a relationship before. I would never try and compare my situation to a marriage but the fear is still totally real, and your post is a really good reminder for me of what contact might do in the future. My ex really betrayed my trust and this fear has "bound" me to her in a way it will take a long time to get over. I think what I am Redeemed says is the best response to this kind of fear - to remind yourself I'm safe, she isn't here, she can't hurt me unless I let her, etc. Soothing exercises.

It's because you have been emotionally traumatised. I have got to the point where I cannot take any more trauma. My trauma was developed in childhood, I don't want to bore you with a long story but there has been a lot happen besides my marriage. The end of that mess helped me to make a lot of realisations regarding multiple traumas, to face many things and to ultimately free myself of many demons. My fear IS a gift, it keeps me safe and is the ultimate gut instinct. I have gone from "how can I fix this?" To "what do I need to do to protect myself". Very different thought processes.

I also once thought I was bound to my ex. The deep emotional roots and trauma bonding keep you thinking like this, and it's ultimately how they recycle you, and vice versa. Trauma bonding takes years to unravel, I am testament to that. Protect yourself and think of your needs, what YOU want matters.

Yes, what Redeemed says is true. Be present in the moment, breathe, remind yourself that she can only hurt you if you let her.

Use the resources at hand, the worshops etc. Get in therapy if not already and find productive ways to process your emotions. It will take time but you will be fine. 

LT