3 Months Update

[SomeoneNice]

Hello everyone, I hope you’re all doing fine and well.

Today officially marks three months after my ex broke up with me via text and boy, what an eventful three months I have had.

The first month after the breakup was literally torture. I physically felt unable to breathe and my loving and caring ex did not seem to bat an eye when my friend sent her a photo of me in a hospital bed (this was the same day she broke up with me) and she simply did not reply to him and blocked him. That bit right there stung me pretty hard as I spent most of our relationship taking care of her when she was sick and refused to leave her even when I suspected that she had cancer.

During the first month I’ve literally tried everything to get her back until I’ve ran out of ideas and so did my friends who were brainstorming with me at the time. My attempts to get her back went as far as proposing (something she badly wanted just barely a week ago) but known of them worked as she had already met other guys few days after our break up. I basically spent a whole month trying to get her back while she spent a whole month trying to meet as many guys as possible.

Once I had learned that she’d been meeting other guys and flirting with them I simply decided that enough was enough and I blocked her from everywhere and went full NC. The second month was slightly easier than the first month but it included feelings of guilt. I would constantly feel like a horrible person and only remember the good things she did to me and the bad mistakes I did during the relationship. This led me doubt myself and whether I’m the narcissistic psychopath that she claimed I was. I spent the second month trying to “love” myself after feeling like a bad person. This month included a lot of self loathing from all aspects. I hated the way I was, my personality, my face, body, voice, etc.
During this month and the initial month of the breakup I had continued working on myself, constantly hitting the gym even when my depression is through the roof, I kept praying to God constantly to guide me through this, and I kept learning and reading everyday.

I share most of my online university classes with my ex so I have to hear her voice multiple times a week but thankfully I don’t feel nostalgic hearing her or seeing her profile picture as she had discarded the “version” of her that was with me. She even looks different now. Dyed her hair green, started wearing baggy t-shirts (when she was with me she mostly wore tight revealing clothes) and started wearing a lot of crosses on her neck (we’re both Muslims but she isn’t religious at all). In other words, she is not the person I fell in love with and I would have never fallen in love with the person she is right now.

Two days ago, the professor assigned groups and put each two students together in a private call. Since my luck is so sweet as usual, out of all the students, I was paired with my ex and put into a call with her. I kept my mic muted for about 5 seconds and so did she then I exited the call. The professor added me into another call with my ex and entered the call with us and I simply said “Doctor, you’ve put me in the wrong group. Please put me with <my best friend’s name>” and I said it casually with a chuckle. My ex immediately left the call afterwards and when she was asked to present to the class a few minutes later her voices sounded off as if she’s barely collecting herself but trying to hide it.
I suppose she probably expected me to try to talk to her but thank God I did the right thing and left that call.

It’s now officially been three months now and I’m not gonna lie, I still feel depressed at times because she was the first person who made me fall in love this hard and it messes with my head that the person I fell in love doesn’t exist. And to be honest, makes me feel like I’m unworthy of love. I know that it’s silly as most girls find me fairly attractive and I’m well educated and come from a good background but this is just one of the many psychological damages a relationship with a borderline causes a person.

To me, a relationship is all about the emotional connection and this is something that I am unable to find at the moment as most of the girls in my university are interested in sex and partying and I am a practicing Muslim so I don’t do premarital sex nor drink and I’ve never even had a cigarette. I’ve had that emotional connection with one person which is my ex. She love bombed me, made me feel special and made me share all my secrets with her and she seemed to share all my secrets with her without fear...
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love that intensely again...I have healed a lot since the breakup but I truly miss that version of her that I fell in love with. And the worst part is that I know that even if she tries to come back I’ll have to turn her down because she’ll just leave me again and because I can never trust her again after what she did.
 

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks for sharing your update, Someonenice, I think there's a lot we can relate to in your post.  For me, this part in particular, is a sticking point or has been.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love that intensely again...I have healed a lot since the breakup but I truly miss that version of her that I fell in love with.

I think we all miss that version of our BPDex's.  It's what keeps us holding on, ruminating about the relationship.  But how real was that?  That's the question.  Seems mostly a ghost, a specter, an illusion.  Something I mostly created and projected onto her.  Sigh. Oh well.

As for "love that intensely...", how about love at all?  I don't know, it's going to be tricky.  I got burned pretty bad.  Scorched, with a blow torch, repeatedly, after being bathed in mineral spirits and vodka...!

I'm sure better things are on the horizon, and that's what I'm moving towards.

[SomeoneNice]

Thanks for sharing your update, Someonenice, I think there's a lot we can relate to in your post.  For me, this part in particular, is a sticking point or has been.

I think we all miss that version of our BPDex's.  It's what keeps us holding on, ruminating about the relationship.  But how real was that?  That's the question.  Seems mostly a ghost, a specter, an illusion.  Something I mostly created and projected onto her.  Sigh. Oh well.

As for "love that intensely...", how about love at all?  I don't know, it's going to be tricky.  I got burned pretty bad.  Scorched, with a blow torch, repeatedly, after being bathed in mineral spirits and vodka...!

I'm sure better things are on the horizon, and that's what I'm moving towards.

I truly hate that feeling and it is something truly depressing however I do agree with you that things are on the horizon. What I recommend you do during the wait is to find something you like and do it. I personally have been hitting the gym non stop and studied to get my fitness trainer certificate and this consumed a lot of my time. I’m also doing a lot of “self searching” and doing my best to take care of myself.

I recommend you hit the gym if you already don’t go because it is honestly extremely therapeutic.
if there’s something I’m looking forward to, it’s for my ex to see my new body and that itself is a form of closure in my eyes.