1.5 year update

[grumpydonut]

Hi all,

There's light at the end of the tunnel. 1.5 years on, I can confidently say I couldn't care less about her. And this isn't because my life is going great - it's not, as I'm going through therapy that is bringing up a lot of childhood issues - but regardless, I couldn't care about her.

This will be harsh, but it's a true insight into my perspective:

She's pathetic. She's a loser. She's a cheater. She's a hypocrite. She wasted 3 years of my life, and only 6 months of that brought me any scrap of happiness. The rest was about me tending to her never-ending needs, and trying to fill a bucket with holes, only to watch all my efforts pour onto the floor. Even when she cheated on me, within 8 hours I was tending to her needs and trying to prevent a suicide that was never going to happen.

Now she dates the man she cheated on me with, who cheated on her with two seperate girls - multiple occasions per girl - yet she was quoted as saying (to friends who abandoned her due to her drama) "our relationship is better than mine with Grumpy, because we are more open and honest to eachother". When I first heard that, I wanted to understand it. Now, couldn't care less. It's just another example of her idiocy.

Anyway, might come across as a rant. I can tell you all that I'm not emotional at all at time of writing this. These are my thoughts truthfully expressed!

[Ad Meliora]

Amen, brother.  I will validate your ticket and grant you free parking!

The rest was about me tending to her never-ending needs, and trying to fill a bucket with holes,

Yes to this too!  I was thinking mine was a 'sink without a stopper' everything I poured into her seemed as if I was filling her up, but it all drained out by the next encounter.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi all,

There's light at the end of the tunnel. 1.5 years on, I can confidently say I couldn't care less about her. And this isn't because my life is going great - it's not, as I'm going through therapy that is bringing up a lot of childhood issues - but regardless, I couldn't care about her.

This will be harsh, but it's a true insight into my perspective:

She's pathetic. She's a loser. She's a cheater. She's a hypocrite. She wasted 3 years of my life, and only 6 months of that brought me any scrap of happiness. The rest was about me tending to her never-ending needs, and trying to fill a bucket with holes, only to watch all my efforts pour onto the floor. Even when she cheated on me, within 8 hours I was tending to her needs and trying to prevent a suicide that was never going to happen.

Now she dates the man she cheated on me with, who cheated on her with two seperate girls - multiple occasions per girl - yet she was quoted as saying (to friends who abandoned her due to her drama) "our relationship is better than mine with Grumpy, because we are more open and honest to eachother". When I first heard that, I wanted to understand it. Now, couldn't care less. It's just another example of her idiocy.

Anyway, might come across as a rant. I can tell you all that I'm not emotional at all at time of writing this. These are my thoughts truthfully expressed!

That isn't a rant at all. I've stuck with you and paid attention from the shadows. Honestly, I am happy to see the change. It was necessary. I appreciate the update. I wish you well during your healing journey my friend. Life is going to get better. Why? Because it F has to that's why. The ebb and flow of life...keep putting good energy out there and dammit it will come back to you and you will kick $$ in life again.

Cheers and best wishes amigo! 

-SC- 

[grumpydonut]

Thanks, both. As said, I'm not entirely mentally well - and the emotional wound from childhood that she reopened definitely isn't healed - but my life is still far better than when I had her toxicity in my life!

Small comforts...like walking out of my own home without worrying that she'd kill herself and I'd be a suspect for her death.

[WhatToDo47]

This seemed completely reasonable and helped me a lot. Thank you!

[Carguy]

Thanks Grumpy. This gives me hope too.

I'm still in the phase of hurt from seeing her profile picture of her and the new boyfriend on social media but I'm glad it was now and not 3 months ago when I was fresh out of the relationship again. The last several months of N/C (up until a few weeks ago) has helped a lot. It would have hurt a lot more 3 months ago. I read on another post that everything they do has a motive. I'm sure posting the pic did as well.

I still hurt from the pic but now I look at the fact that I'm not having to constantly 'talk' with her about what I did wrong, reassuring her I love her, and trying to keep us together (or keep her from leaving me really). I also don't have to constantly prop her up when she is struggling with what someone at work said or did, or what her dad said or did, or what anyone else said or did. Trying to 'fill her up' gets exhausting. Especially when it's about the latest thing I done wrong which always ended up with all the stuff I did wrong over the last 6 years.

Even with this hurt I look at this new guy and think that unless he won't put up with it and walks away early, he's likely in for the same thing. My last interaction with her a few weeks ago tell me she's still the same. I've also decided I don't deserve to be treated this way.

[So many questions]

Carguy- what was the interaction like after all that time?

[Carguy]

Kind of cold. She was off for months after she messed up her knee right before Halloween and needed knee surgery. She just started back to work at Walmart when I seen her. She waited on me and I asked how she had been. She said really good and asked how I had been. I'm sure a lot of this was just courtesy cause I was a customer. I told her I want her to know I still care about her. She just said ok.

The next day I seen her getting ready to cross the parking lot as I drove by so I waved. She didn't and that night she text me (pretty sure I was blocked before that and am right after her message) saying "Leave me completely alone). So I have.

I'm not surprised with the coldness. This isn't the first time. The last few times we've been apart she has been very cold and angry towards me until I ask if we can talk so I can apologize and IF she's ready to talk. Then I would pretty much have to take all the blaim for everything. I've seen her be cold to others in the same way too for disagreements.

[drumdog4M]

I've drawn strength and hope from reading all posts above. Thank you.

The analogy that I've settled on when I try to think about my ex-pwBPD's unending needs, not just in our relationship, but in coping with the emotional challenges of day to day life is: "an emotional black hole."

The bucket analogy is great but doesn't have the gravitational pull that pw-BPD have which such us in, make it very hard to escape, and will consume us. When I'm feeling more in emotion mind than wise mind, "emotional vampire" or "succubus" come to mind.

[So many questions]

Drum,

How you been doing the past couple days?

It is an emotional black hole being with them, but it was our emotional black hole. Someone said the other day, as tough as it is to deal with day to day; it’s also a bit empowering. To be their vessel of all emotion and to handle it with courage and grace, takes strength.

My analogy that works for me - I am just another blip on her journey. No more, no less. It isn’t personal. She just moves through life how she deems necessary. We don’t feel, grieve, react the same. It still sucks and hurts to “feel” like she moved on to someone else so quickly. But she didn’t, she just did what she needed to do to survive. I don’t just need someone to fill the void. I need the person I love. I truly love her - so I accept it. I hope she finds happiness.

I am going to make some lucky person so incredibly happy one day. Someone who appreciates the effort and reciprocates. One that can be honest, even when at fault. One who doesn’t minimize everything I feel, while criticizing it or taking it personally.

That someone is out there. They are long long ways away. But they’ll find us if we do the work.

[drumdog4M]

Hi, loveishhard.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm hanging in there. I'm going on a trip for work tomorrow, and I feel like being physically away from home and my routine will help give me a broader perspective on life and the world. Also, I will be away from the places where we used to spend time together.

Somewhat surprisingly after having shared a very short version of my thoughts to her about her mistreatment of me recently, she actually participated in a short but cogent conversation by text. She apologized for treating me with such anger and lack of regard recently. She admitted that she'd been drinking and using THC edibles to self-medicate a lot to "dull the pain of the rejection from our breakup." She ackowledged that she should not reach out to me when drunk or high and that it's been hurting her and the people around her.

She's gone back to seeing her therapist weekly to help cope in healthier ways and deal with the many "demons" with which she struggles.

I don't think she was trying to recycle me, though I'm wary. As much as part of me longs for that more than anything, I am trying to remain open-eyed. I adore her, but she struggles with so many problems, many of which stem from her BPD and are destructive coping mechanisms. So I'm trying to steel my resolve not to become vulnerable to potential recycling.

And she's spending most of the weekend with her new man. Honestly, that's very hard for me to accept and of course happened so soon after we broke-up. She had claimed she was "happy" with him, yet she seems to be self-medicating most every night they're not together. The poor fool has no idea what he's dealing with. I'm jealous, but I realize that I should not be. It's still hard when the woman I'm still so in love with (though I recognize the need to let go) is seeking happiness and of course sexual fulfillment with someone else.

Though her apology could all just be a pretense, she was sober and seemed genuinely remorseful. She's not a bad person and does have a moral compass. When using or emotionally dysregulated, however, her poor coping strategies, strong feelings, and weak impulse control take over.

In sum, I viewed it as a small victory in a much longer war to free and heal myself after the 3.2 years we've had a relationship of one form or another.

In terms of my mental state, I cry everyday still. Multiple times. But not all the time. Tonight will be hard as I think about all the demeaning things she will allow him to do to her in her effort to lock him down. She is a generous and insatiable lover. I know it seems petty, but the jealousy consumes me.

At least, I'm not using alcohol or drugs to cut off my pain. I'm sitting with it and processing it. It is a challenge, but I believe I will emerge stronger. She on the other hand is just repeating the cycle that allows her to survive. It's really quite sad.

Hang in there, my friend. 

[So many questions]

It’s incredible how much our stories match so I’m always gonna check in on you.

Try to enjoy your trip. I was on a trip when I found out about my replacement and I let it ruin the entire thing. You deserve some time away. Take in all the sites. Talk to strangers. Enjoy the culture. Go to the best local spot and stuff your face.

I know the ruminating on her new relationship is tough. Maybe staying in contact is making that harder. Of course she’s “happy with him.” She’s relieved of being alone. She doesn’t have to feel her emptiness at night.

Something that helps with me. Remove my ego. She cheated on me in the idealization stage of our relationship; with someone who is not attractive in the least. If she did that when we were together and I forgave and let it go, why would I worry now about her intimacy with someone else? She’d still be doing that if we were together in one way or another. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Especially when you forgive them.

Not only that, intimacy with her going forward would lack the sacredness and passion and love, it once had. We’d just be thinking of what she’s been doing. And personally, I’m not a fan of sharing with someone who I know doesn’t use protection. So for me, yes I miss it so much, but it would never be that again.

Sure she’s a “insatiable lover”. Mine too. Just amazing.

But that is in a physical context. Which with age, inevitably dies. Was she a insatiable generous lover in the sense of treating you right? Probably not. Was she generous with her empathy and remorse? Doubtful

I like to think of my ex when she’s older. When age sets in. Would I enjoy life with her, if she never got help, I highly doubt it. Would her insecurities because of age only heighten, causing her to make impulse decisions to relieve those feelings aka cheat? Highly likely.

So the sex, the jealousy, is temporary and honestly ego driven. Which is completely understandable.  But if she wasn’t with him, or you, she would find someone else.

Like you, I think my ex is a great person with a complex disorder. When she’s aware and working on herself, she’s just the best. But unfortunately she completely gave up, has gone back to her old lifestyle, with the people she use to complain about, and has a new partner who comes from it. So okay.

I want relational intimacy beyond the bedroom. Trust, loyalty, reciprocation, communication. Those thoughts will fade but maybe contacting her, hearing her admit stuff, hear about her relationship, is really holding you back?

[drumdog4M]

Those are all such wise thoughts. It really is helpful to share our perspectives in this forum, and in offering an ear and advice to others, it helps us get a clearer and more objective perspective on our on situations.

I often think about how I would counsel a friend in a relationship with her. Would I tell him to stay? Would I tell him to communicate with her? Would I tell him to let his ego trap him into jealousy and negative thinking. Of course not. We are often our own worst enemies because it is hard to maintain perspective and objectivity in the midst of these relationships, whether during the idealization stage or the discard.

Thank you for helping me get a little more grounded.

[So many questions]

Exactly. I would never tell a friend to continue with her knowing what all had gone on. It is easier said than done, always. It all comes back to the ego.

My ego hurts that she told people untrue things about me
My ego hurts that she moved on quickly and with someone I was acquaintances with
My ego hurts that she’s somehow happy and I’m a mess
My ego hurts that she didn’t ever contact me to tell me, just lied and ghosted
My ego hurts knowing someone else can make her feel the things I made her feel enough to start a relationship
My ego hurts that I’m alone and don’t have someone to lean on
My ego hurts that I loved someone who didn’t feel the same
My ego feels fooled

But atleast I’m not at home crying and calling her to no answer while she disappears in a black out state, after being berated with insults and personal attacks, for finding out she was lying or being shady.

It’s easy to miss the good cause it felt so amazing. But man, do not forget how mean, irrational, jealous, angry, insulting, humiliating they could be - sometimes for the smallest infractions.


Drum, maybe take a contact break? Give yourself some time and her some time to miss you.

[WhatToDo47]

All of the above is beautifully said. Thanks for putting into words so much that I feel and experienced but don't know how to.

My ex is also an amazing, wonderful person when the disorder isn't in control. Problem is, she also gave up on herself. Easier just to give in to the disorder, and discard anyone who questions that. Tragic indeed.

It does help to think of her older, when her seductive techniques won't work as well as they do now.

My grandma got divorced and then happily remarried. She gave me some advice: Remember the bad times. I made a list of all the truly and objectively awful things she did, abandonment, cheating, false DV accusations, etc. I actively counter each happy, nostalgic memory that pops into my head with one of these. It helps.

We ALL deserve better. We wouldn't even advise our BPD exes to stay in relationships where they were being treated like our BPD exes treated us.

"It is an emotional black hole being with them, but it was our emotional black hole. Someone said the other day, as tough as it is to deal with day to day; it’s also a bit empowering. To be their vessel of all emotion and to handle it with courage and grace, takes strength."

I can relate so much to this. They become OUR black hole. We think we are the only one who can save them from the terrible situations they put themselves in, and it gives us satisfaction to rescue them, and they often thank us for doing so. I read an analogy on here a while back that helped and relates to this:

It's like we came across a drowning person, saved them, they thanked us, hugged us, praised us, and then jumped back in, over, and over, and over. It's exhausting.

And also a perfect recipe for addiction and codependency.