Strict covid lockdown with BPD partner

[bluescrunchie]

I've been living with my boyfriend w/BPD for almost a year now. I moved to Australia 3 years ago before the pandemic, and in the last year we've had some of the worlds strictest lockdowns and I've spent about 80% of the last year living under strict lockdown with him, away from my family and friends who live on the other side of the world. At the start, it was (mostly) wonderful, but in recent times I've been really struggling to cope. I feel like I am completely and utterly alone in this and I feel trapped. Hoping to just get some advice to feel a bit less alone in this situation. Hoping others have some lockdown advice.

When we moved in together, I was working from home full time, and he was unemployed. Unfortunately, this coincided with him trying to come off some anti-depressants that gave him awful awful withdrawal effects. For the first couple of months of living together he was extremely suicidal, with horrible mood swings. No matter what I did or said nothing would help. He blamed this almost entirely on the withdrawal effects from the anti-depressants, however he does acknowledge that his BPD also must have had a big part to play in this.

I remember several times having to hang up on work meetings because he would be pacing around the room behind me in hysterics saying "somebody help me, I can't do this, I want to die, I want to die so bad". However, at the time he was also adamant that no one could help him. A few instances I remember him getting extremely angry at me saying I didn't care about him because if I did care I would have taken him to get help. Whenever I tried to get external help it would make him angrier. I suppose this is the cycle that is familiar to all of us.

Anyway, eventually he came around acknowledged that he did indeed need the help. This was triggered by a phone call he made himself to the mental health crisis team, who came over to our apartment and prescribed him some new medications. He even agreed to track down his previous therapist and has had a couple of sessions with her.

Since then, things have generally been easier, and he has been much less depressed with fewer outbursts, however I still struggle with the day to day emotional rollercoaster of his BPD in our relationship and I can feel my own mental health getting worse and worse. I have never felt this low in my life before and it's really scary. I probably cry every day at the moment.

Currently we are still living under strict covid lockdown measures (curfew, only allowed out 1hr per day within a 5km radius) in our small one-bedroom flat with our small dog. I work my full-time job in a small corner of the bedroom - he is still unemployed and uses the living room to watch TV during the day. We never get time apart because we simply can't at the moment. I am completely aware of how toxic this relationship is, and I think I know deep down it cannot go on much longer without change. However there is no end in sight to our lockdown yet and I feel like I am drowning. I feel like my existence in my own apartment is such a burden to him. I hate the feeling of my stomach dropping every time I hear him getting angry, because I don't know if its because of something I have done.

As i am writing this now I can hear him swearing in the living room next door and hitting himself and I know he is about to flip, probably over something minor, like I left my coffee cup out on the side again. If I go out there he will take it out on me emotionally or just yell at me to leave him alone. If I don't go out there, he might yell at me for not caring about him.

I used to be able to deal with it better. I feel like I used to be stronger? But this intense enviroment I have been in for the last few months, isolated from family and friends, I think has really messed me up. Has anyone else had struggles in lockdown with their BPD partner?

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[isilme]

I am sorry.  I have no solutions, just empathy.  I know the lockdowns caused a lot of this worldwide, and being in Texas, feel I was kinda lucky as far as the nature of the lockdowns.  We are both in at-risk categories, so my office allowed me 3 days at home, 2 days on-site.  BPDH was at home a solid 145 months before they told him to start going back into the office and took away the laptop.  I knew being at the office each day would have been more productive for me with my full computer and no connection issues to the VPN, but that I'd come home to a cranky mess of a human.  But, being there all day every day was also too much.  I hated much of last year.  I tried my very best to schedule meetings for the days in the office, otherwise, I'd get yelled at for talking too loud (our house is small, and he commandeered the dining table, so I jumped room to room based on if he was awake or a simultaneous meeting, shuffling TV trays and my headphones and cables. 

This year has not been much better, he is volatile, nihilistic, and has spent a year in isolation thinking about strawmen of people we know instead of the actual people. and of course, the strawmen are all mean and uncaring.  Paranoia is high, he's never accepted help or meds, so a lot of things remaining calm rely on me to monitor myself and not throw gasoline n the fire with JADE or other invalidations.  Which, I can do if we are apart most of the day and he's in a "normal" mood, not good, not bad, and I see a red flag and dodge it.  But, when I am tired, I can't dodge.  And, me simply being tired triggers him.  MY immune disorder is triggered by stress, so all my physical recovery since diagnosis in 2018 has been set back.  The disorder contributes to my own depression, weight problems, and a slew of physical problems, I am trying to overcome them but I am frankly so tired I find myself dozing off in my office lately.  And his A1C jumped up to the 8s, not good.  His sugar mood swings combine with the BPD, and it is a sight to behold.  I hope no one sees a low-sugar-BPD rage. 

He has decided his workplace hates him, and the fact that a few people are simply mean to everyone does not help.  He is calling in regularly and has given up essentially.  I am struggling to not call in,  but I am just so tired.  He is reverting back to a really bad period we have circa 2005, when he'd dropped out of school and was not working, and so spent most of his days asleep at home and then would often be out much of the night or up playing video games.  The constant complaining is wearing me down, and I am at the point where I am making choices on how little energy I have to determine which unattended chore gets done tonight.  21 years working full time, I am burned out and tired.  I used to have reserves to dig into and just push on, but it seems he never realized that was what I was doing, and that it contributed to how sick I am now.  Each stress on the body from emotions or illness is treated as an infection, so I spend many days with a fever and flu-like symptoms (wonderful in a covid world, I've gone and gotten so many tests, all negative) pushing through to do all errands (he can drive, just won't) and all chores (somehow he decided his family bought the house so I do the chores).  We need repairs to the house but I can't deal with him and the displacement that will require plus the expense all at the same time.  I had hoped him being back on a day/night schedule, going into an office daily (mostly) would help his moods.  It does on some days, but not enough.  The last two times we've gone for exercise walks together, he's picked a fight each time.  I'm trying to get him involved in things and around people again, he always does better with that input, last week he was very much out and doing things, but this week, he's complained of no energy and then insisted we go walk because we are both fat.  Frankly, I know what I need to do to lose weight - I need sleep, my body is inflamed.  Then, I need to eat only when I want, not when a diabetic needs to eat.  Basic digestion causes inflammation for me.  But he will refuse to eat unless I do, too.  If he knew I was intermittent fasting and skipping breakfast to get things back under control he'd flip out and tell me all about how HE needs to eat.  He assumes a male body in its 40s is the same as a female body in its 40s.  He refuses to believe estrogen is a big issue, and is a jerk.  He thinks I am just lazy and don't work out, projecting how he feels about himself.  Never mind for every hour he spends on a game, I have been cleaning, running errands, cooking when he will agree to a food choice, all before I sit down for any leasiure myself. 

I know Australia is one of the restricted places in the western world ATM. I am sorry.  I wish I had something to suggest, something you can try, but your country isn't even letting one of you leave for a walk while the other stays inside.  I DO understand exactly how you feel.  I am so sorry, and hope the world gets less crazy, soon.

[thankful person]

My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It is extremely isolating. During our first uk lockdown my wife had had enough of me being at home and basically bullied me back to work in June ‘20 against my wishes. It had also got to the point of her screaming at me during work calls (I am a piano teacher) and jealous of the attention I was giving my work even though I need to work to support her and our two small children. Then in November it was lockdown again and I’ve hardly been out since because we had a very poorly baby in icu in May and she is clinically vulnerable. I struggle with my wife’s jealousy of my work, and her jealousy of my relationship with our children, and my relationship with my mum, who I never get to speak to without her there. I am not allowed to talk about her and I’m not really allowed to talk about the children but sometimes I do. This site has encouraged me to challenge what I’m “allowed” to do. And made me think, “hang on, she said she doesn’t want me sending baby photos to mum. Why should I do what she says when it’s that ridiculous?” Well that was the first thing I started challenging. And for several months just before baby arrived she said our relationship was over and would not say she loved me or give any physical affection. We have finally moved past this though. I am intending to be validating of her feelings but yet pushing more for the life I want for myself. It is a massive uphill struggle. I wish I could help you more, but I’m sure the good people on here can. I’m thinking of you.

[bluescrunchie]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It is amazing how much it helps to hear that someone else understands what you are going through. Sometimes that is enough in itself to keep on going.

Looking more hopeful to be out of lockdown soon. Then this will all be less intense.

Thinking of you