Some reflections as I try and move on

[Dad50]

---My guilt/shame complex hopes I am not posting too much on this board and monopolizing discussions. I am trying to offer encouragement to other posters, in order to not just be an emotional vortex for myself, but like so many of you, god I needed help.

---I appreciate both the practical "here's some BIFF or don't JADE", the emotional "I've been there too", and the tough love "you need to fortify yourself, and start acting like you deserve kindness" support

---I've found that many of my fears have not come true. I basically ignored friends and colleagues for five years because I let myself become isolated because it was easier than trying to have other people in my life. I thought those relationships might be gone.  They seem to be coming back. Alone on a Friday night, a friend from a different time in my life just called back to go out and have dinner. I ran into an acquaintance that was surprised not to see me at their families wedding, and more surprised to see my exBPD there with her new boyfriend. The acquaintance was more from my ex's community than mine, but they felt the need to say how much they liked me and sympathize about the break up, without taking sides or anything.

---I am grappling with the fact that things may have been way worse than I let myself believe. Slowly I am sharing little things with friends. It's still feels shameful and embarrassing because I fear the judgement of "how did you let that happen" or "why did you stay", so even though I am sharing more it is still censored and toned down a bit. Their immediate response is "wow" "that's crazy".   

---I knew things were bad, but I don't think I wanted to believe they were as bad as they were. Even now my gut impulse is , when they say she was acting crazy, is to think "oh, she wasn't that bad". I still want to defend her, but not as much. I remind myself that she is, apparently, the type of person who will fall in love madly and deeply with a new guy, but still sleep with her ex (me) the whole time.

---Some positive steps. I have blocked her on social media for several months. I have blocked her on text for two weeks. I haven't slept with her in two weeks. I found a new gym to go to so I won't see her at the gym. I remind myself that her friendship hasn't helped my self esteem.

---Some fears---Will everything I do always remind me of her?  I'm not 100% sure I wouldn't go "hang out" if she asked me to. Right now she has the penthouse suite in my brain, rent free. What is the eviction process?   How do I stop feeling sorry for her? I have the help the broken sparrow complex bad. Even when she has done horrible things all I think is how scared, lonely, or sad she must be in order to do those things. I am more worried about her happiness than my own.

---Well, I have made good strides in just a few months with all your help. My heart still hurts. I still feel broken. I am scared of being alone, but my circle is stronger than I give credit for. Right now I am by myself but I am not alone.

Thanks

[ILMBPDC]

---My guilt/shame complex hopes I am not posting too much on this board and monopolizing discussions. I am trying to offer encouragement to other posters, in order to not just be an emotional vortex for myself, but like so many of you, god I needed help.

Not at all Dad50. I worry about that when I answer a question and share my experience ---that I'm making it about me -- but the thing is, we are all here to share and heal and sharing our experience not only helps others feel like they are not alone and that others understand, it helps us heal

---I appreciate both the practical "here's some BIFF or don't JADE", the emotional "I've been there too", and the tough love "you need to fortify yourself, and start acting like you deserve kindness" support

You're welcome    Seriously though, I have given all of those types of answers, depending on the day and how I am personally feeling - and I think part of that is because, in a way, I see myself in the OP and am reinforcing those answers in my own head.   I have seen some of your responses to others and you are likely doing the same - reinforcing the answer in your own head, along with helping OP - its a win-win

---I've found that many of my fears have not come true. I basically ignored friends and colleagues for five years because I let myself become isolated because it was easier than trying to have other people in my life. I thought those relationships might be gone.  They seem to be coming back. Alone on a Friday night, a friend from a different time in my life just called back to go out and have dinner. I ran into an acquaintance that was surprised not to see me at their families wedding, and more surprised to see my exBPD there with her new boyfriend. The acquaintance was more from my ex's community than mine, but they felt the need to say how much they liked me and sympathize about the break up, without taking sides or anything.

I am so glad you are reconnecting with your friends! That support system is going to be huge for you in healing.

---I am grappling with the fact that things may have been way worse than I let myself believe. Slowly I am sharing little things with friends. It's still feels shameful and embarrassing because I fear the judgement of "how did you let that happen" or "why did you stay", so even though I am sharing more it is still censored and toned down a bit. Their immediate response is "wow" "that's crazy".   

Yeah...its hard to see when you are in the midst of it but once you are out and look back and see the hurricane, you are shocked at the severity.  As for the shame and embarrassment, I do understand the thought process, but you have to know its not your fault. As my therapist says, I did what I had to do to survive at that time in my life...and you did too. Unfortunately what you had to do to survive was accept a lot of sh***y treatment, but you are out now and healing. There is no law saying you have to share everything with people, either. But, get right with yourself, that is the most important thing.

---I knew things were bad, but I don't think I wanted to believe they were as bad as they were. Even now my gut impulse is , when they say she was acting crazy, is to think "oh, she wasn't that bad". I still want to defend her, but not as much. I remind myself that she is, apparently, the type of person who will fall in love madly and deeply with a new guy, but still sleep with her ex (me) the whole time.

This is still your brain's way of surviving - rationalization is a huge survival mechanism. As you  process things, this will happen less and less and eventually stop. The fact that you can recognize it is huge!

---Some positive steps. I have blocked her on social media for several months. I have blocked her on text for two weeks. I haven't slept with her in two weeks. I found a new gym to go to so I won't see her at the gym. I remind myself that her friendship hasn't helped my self esteem.

I am proud of you. Every step is progress.

---Some fears---Will everything I do always remind me of her? 

No. This will lessen with time. Decoupling her from your everyday life is hard but it WILL happen. At first I couldn't even look at sushi without tearing up...now its like, whatever, its just food. 

I'm not 100% sure I wouldn't go "hang out" if she asked me to. Right now she has the penthouse suite in my brain, rent free. What is the eviction process?   How do I stop feeling sorry for her? I have the help the broken sparrow complex bad. Even when she has done horrible things all I think is how scared, lonely, or sad she must be in order to do those things. I am more worried about her happiness than my own.

Ok, this one I completely feel you on - I am absolutely in the same boat. If he contacted me, I am not at all sure my rational brain would win at this point. There is still part of my brain that is telling me we can be friends, that I can help him, that he knows deep down that I would be the best thing for him (codependent much? smh) 
I know that this will eventually lessen and go away, and I know that a lot of it is my own codependence and attachment issues, but I am working on this every day. I hope to Hades that he doesn't try to contact me until I get a better handle on this...
The only advice I can offer is to keep focusing on yourself, recognize the thoughts and acknowledge them (practicing being self aware), and if you aren't seeing a therapist, find one. 

---Well, I have made good strides in just a few months with all your help. My heart still hurts. I still feel broken. I am scared of being alone, but my circle is stronger than I give credit for. Right now I am by myself but I am not alone.

Yes you have - I have been following your story from your first post and you have come so far in such a short time!  I am so glad you have people, its so important and such a huge part of healing. And you have us, too!

[Turkish]

---I am grappling with the fact that things may have been way worse than I let myself believe. 

This.

When I finally told close friends about certain things, they said that they didn't realize it was that bad. No surprise to my BFF's wife, who didn't like her from the first casual meeting. She was formerly married to a BPD-ish husband.

Even my mom was surprised, and my mom was dBPD (she admitted that to me a few years later after my ex left).

Relationships are complicated in the best of times. It's hard to be objective while on the inside, even impossible. Gift yourself some grace 

[babyducks]

Hello Dad50,

before I share a couple of thoughts I really want to make a point of saying, what a great post!    I really appreciate you digging in and digging down.   I know exactly how hard it is to write a message like that.   

and the tough love "you need to fortify yourself, and start acting like you deserve kindness" support

hmmm, I am not sure how exactly to frame this, as it is still an idea in its infancy but 'start acting like you deserve kindness' seem to me more of a starting point of a topic rather than an end goal.     how does one fortify themselves?   how does one get to the place of automatically believing we deserve respectful treatment?   what are the steps others took to get there?

my experience was when my relationship ended I was in a very raw spot.   my self esteem, never high, was in tatters.     and the farther away from the relationship I got the more I identified the covert abuse that was a daily part of what I lived with.    certainly there was a bunch of episodes that were plain to identify as abusive,  however there was a lot,  and I mean a lot of covert abuse.    for clarity's sake I would describe covert abuse as the stuff that happens under the radar, the blame shifting, the word twisting, the covert aggression.    there was so much blame and shame flying around at the end of my relationship it was like a toxic fog that I couldn't see my way through.   it took some time for that fog to lift.

---I am grappling with the fact that things may have been way worse than I let myself believe.

things were way worse than I let myself notice.   and most people around me had some sense of it.    maybe not specific details but most people knew something was seriously wrong.    I had spent so much time believing in my Ex's view of reality, my own perceptions were pretty skewed.   I felt pretty ashamed at how I had acted, what I did.   

Even now my gut impulse is , when they say she was acting crazy, is to think "oh, she wasn't that bad". I still want to defend her, but not as much.

I understand this impulse.   and of course there are a lot of complicated psychological reasons we defend the person who abuses us.    the more distance you create between herself and you (and not just physical distance but also emotional distance - where you aren't thinking/obsessing/worrying about her) the better this will get.

I remind myself that she is, apparently, the type of person who will fall in love madly and deeply with a new guy, but still sleep with her ex (me) the whole time.

bottom line is not matter what example you focus on, she is the kind of person who does not function well within societal norms.    behavior that is consider abhorrent by many/most/all is used by her to obtain what she wants.   Lying, cheating, hitting, manipulation, mockery, scorn, blame, are all considered repugnant behaviors because they are destructive to the fabric that holds things together.   She deliberately uses those behaviors to get what she wants at the expense of others.

---Some positive steps. I have blocked her on social media for several months. I have blocked her on text for two weeks. I haven't slept with her in two weeks. I found a new gym to go to so I won't see her at the gym. I remind myself that her friendship hasn't helped my self esteem.

it sounds to me like perhaps you used the gym to help lift your mood and your self esteem and now this is not as an effective tool for you because she has sullied that avenue for you.    it would be natural to equate gym time with her, especially as she has repeatedly breached boundaries there.

is there something else you enjoy?   something else that brings positive energy into your life that is not related to your experience with her?

Right now she has the penthouse suite in my brain, rent free. What is the eviction process?   How do I stop feeling sorry for her?

are you attached to a particular faith tradition?   if so when thoughts of her pop into your head say a little prayer.     if that doesn't work, find a little mantra, a phrase, a song lyric and repeat that over and over.    the idea being to break the rumination pattern.   try guided meditation.    there are millions of them out there.   Its very normal to ruminate.   I guarantee everyone here suffered through horrible periods of painful ruminations as we ended our relationships.

I have the help the broken sparrow complex bad. Even when she has done horrible things all I think is how scared, lonely, or sad she must be in order to do those things. I am more worried about her happiness than my own.

hmmmm.   can you recognize that feeling scared or lonely or sad is probably not driving her to do the things she does?   You ascribe those feelings to her and I am pretty sure that's not accurate.  people who are sad might cry suddenly at a movie or television news story.    people who are anxious might obsessively check to see if the door is locked.    people who find a new partner but continue to have sex with the old partner without disclosing that are extremely destructive, extremely self absorbed.    people who are willing to express their frustrations by striking another are emotionally immature or emotionally underdeveloped which ever term you prefer.   she is not a broken sparrow, and framing her in that light is not helpful.   She is a fully competent high functioning adult and if anyone has the opportunity to reach out for support and mental health care its her.    and yet she chooses not to.   she is exactly what she has decided to be.     she is exactly what she has chosen to be.

the path forward is not what can I do today to make her happy, but what can Dad50 do in the next 5 hours that is good for Dad50.    what can Dad50 do for himself today.    if money, time and energy were no obstacle what would you do to make Dad50 more comfortable today?     start there.

'ducks

[Dad50]

Thanks ILMBPDC for all the support along the way.

Babyducks--

Just taking a tagent to your comment on my comment about "fortifying". It's funny, because that came from my kids. We were at an amusement park, and ahed of us in line was a dad with his kid who was scared to go on the ride. The dad told his son to, "Man Up".

My daughter, who has no qualms about expressing herself, turned to me and said "Don't you ever say that to us dad, it is not gender inclusive."   Coming from a generation where "just man up" was what you said, I asked my daughter what I should say instead. She didn't hesitate and said, "fortify, dad. You need to fortify."

I think as someone who felt completely and utterly emasculated, emotionally broken, labeling myself as too weak leave an abusive relationship, fortify fit pretty well.

Now whenever I think I just need to "man up" or "grow a pair", I hear my daughter telling me to fortify.   I don't know exactly what it all entails either, but it sounds about right.

Thanks again

[Cromwell]

2 weeks if determined that this is over is a huge deal, well done, but it is early days yet and there will be a lot of temptation to revisit the already trodden out role playing.

give yourself a year to get your head back and let her fade sufficiently far into obscurity. it gets you off her radar also as an unreliable, uncontrollable free thinker. these are not positive qualities at all in their dating/conquering checklist.