Hello again

[doubleAries]

Hi again everyone. I haven't logged on in several years.
The world is an uncertain place right now, and I find my 4F not so good coping methods not working very well anymore (again) and I keep spiraling into the Complex PTSD loop. Just looking to connect with others who understand (I was recently told that I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get some exercise, while in the midst of an inner critic slugfest, geez).
I've been too isolated, which makes that inner terrorist work overtime. Glad to be back.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi doubleAries! 

Glad to welcome you back. I recently came back as well. It's always good to go back to replenish our tool box and to remind ourselves that we are not alone as a child of a pwBPD.

I just had a conversation with my T about something similar to your topic. Sometimes my past becomes so large that I wonder if I will ever escape it. He pointed out that I am human and will have triggering spots. He also reminded me that I am dealing with memories that my body is responding to, not the actual event. It does help me to recognize that what I'm experiencing is a trauma response, and it will pass after a bit of time. So often I think something is wrong with me. It was validating to know I'm just having a normal response.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Hi dA,

Welcome back. You slightly preceeded me so I think of you as one of the advanced members 

What's your "inner terrorist?" Intersesting term. It communicates something I might think I know, but how can you describe it?

[doubleAries]

I'm not seeing how to reply to specific replies/comments?

[doubleAries]

Thanks woolspinner2000
I think I've used "being busy" as an evasion technique, and it's so familiar I don't notice when I slip back into it, even though I'm aware of that tendency. But now my international wholesale business of 28 years is collapsing (can't find employees! UGH) and I'm not so busy. It's normal and appropriate to be depressed when you lose your job or business, but for those of us with cptsd, it always has the potential to become crippling.
Worse yet, I just learned an important lesson about how important it is to choose a good therapist. For the last 5 years I've had a counselor that I thought must be really good because she has a PhD. But I also noticed that as long as our sessions were basically chit chat, everything was fine, and if I started digging into issues, she became irritated with me. Well, digging into issues is the whole point of counseling! But instead of addressing that, I slipped into cptsd mode, and tried not to irritate "the authority figure". Until this last week, when I really started having some emotional flashback issues. And when I addressed this with her, she first very irritatedly told me she thought I was bipolar (whaaaa?) and then told me that wallowing in all this was simply a decision that I needed to stop making, that I was on a pity pot, and just needed to get some exercise. Then she dumped me as a patient.
Naturally, even though I'm astounded, I also keep thinking "what did I do wrong?" Well, what I did wrong was keep paying $100 an hour every week to someone who really shouldn't be a counselor.
I'm kind of shaken over this, but doing better than expected. I'm listening to the Pete Walker audiobook "Complex PTSD" over and over right now, and reaching out online instead of bearing the crap out of myself and succumbing to anxiety and depression. Progress, not perfection.

[poppy2]

Hi double Aries,

would you like to share what is speaking to you right now from the Pete Walker book? I was recently re-reading his short article on grieving, and also sometimes listen to such materials to 'cheer myself up' (to feel recognized).

Best wishes!

[doubleAries]

Hi Turkish!
There's a book called "Complex PTSD--from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker. He discusses at length the differences between PTSD and Complex PTSD (CPTSD), and that one of the most important differences is that our inner critic voice (conscience?) gets warped after lengthy exposure to abuse, especially verbal abuse. It becomes an inner terrorist. It doesn't say "maybe that wasn't such a good idea..." it says instead "what a useless POS I am--no wonder no one likes me" and begins to list every perceived mistake or flaw, blowing all out of proportion, until you are annihilated and shaking in the corner, just like when you were little (or married to a tyrant).
It takes a lot of vigilance and work to counter that, especially if those "programs" were built in childhood. The "circuits" can't be changed or replaced--they have to be rerouted.
Say for example someone is irritated or upset with you, and you grew up in an abusive environment, especially where you were told the parents rage was your fault (pretty common). The initial reaction in the present to the person that is irritated or upset with you is "OH NO! I'm bad again! I'm in trouble again!" and then whatever the developed coping method was (defensiveness, codependent fawning, freezing in fear, etc whatever) kicks in. That doesn't go away. But with vigilance and work, it can be rerouted to a more healthy, loving, appropriate reaction. After thousands and thousands of repetitions, that rerouting happens more quickly, more smoothly, more naturally. Sometimes. When it doesn't, the inner terrorist is there to rip you to shreds for not being perfect. In fact, weirdly enough, the inner terrorist will rip you to shreds for having an inner terrorist!   It's a bizarre and exhausting phenomenon.

[doubleAries]

Hi  @poppy2
I grew up with an extremely sadistically abusive mother and a sexually abusing narcissist father. So the whole Pete Walker book speaks to me, . There's so much good stuff in it, that I can't remember it all, and have to read and reread (or audiobook) it again and again. Right now, I think his chapters about the inner critic turning into an inner terrorist are resonating strongly (again--it's an ongoing issue for me)--see my response to Turkish.

[Turkish]

I'm not seeing how to reply to specific replies/comments?

It changed a while back. Hit "Excerpt".

Or you can do it manually w/out the link.

I'm not seeing how to reply to specific replies/comments?

Is this code without the link:

Code:

[Quote author=doubleAries] I'm not seeing how to reply to specific replies/comments?
[/quote]

Sometimes I type it out like that rather than cutting up a whole post... if I'm lazy.

I nerded out

[Turkish]

Maybe I need to read that book. I've heard of it.

I don't mind constructive criticism at all. What   me off is when my character is impugned (my ex did this a lot, learned from her FOO) or I'm told I'm lacking in some key way when that objectively isn't the case (my mom did this into my 40s). My reaction tends to feel visceral.

In certain matters I do it to myself.

My ex did it to me in a video meeting with S11's school today over his 504 accommodation plan due to his autism. The telegraphed message is that problems come from my home and she works with him ,implying that I don't. It didn't make me angry as much as a *sigh* there she goes again.

[doubleAries]

It changed a while back. Hit "Excerpt".

Or you can do it manually w/out the link.

Is this code without the link:

Code:

Sometimes I type it out like that rather than cutting up a whole post... if I'm lazy.

I nerded out

OK, thanks--that looks kind of weird, but ok...

[doubleAries]

Maybe I need to read that book. I've heard of it.

I don't mind constructive criticism at all. What   me off is when my character is impugned (my ex did this a lot, learned from her FOO) or I'm told I'm lacking in some key way when that objectively isn't the case (my mom did this into my 40s). My reaction tends to feel visceral.

In certain matters I do it to myself.

My ex did it to me in a video meeting with S11's school today over his 504 accommodation plan due to his autism. The telegraphed message is that problems come from my home and she works with him ,implying that I don't. It didn't make me angry as much as a *sigh* there she goes again.

I think it's a good book for anyone who has had to deal with dysfunction. And here are degrees, of course--it's not all or nothing. In fact I think a lot of abused children get confused...the abuse I and my brothers endured was pretty extreme. But the overt abuse overshadows the emotional neglect, which in the end is a lot more insidious. Walker is good about saying throughout "if this part doesn't apply to you, skip it and move on". There's so much good info in it, for so many areas, that it's hard to summarize. I highly recommend it--it's basically my "bible" and has gotten me through this last week of a 5 year long CBT therapist telling me that my emotional flashbacks are "a decision to wallow in self pity" and that I just need to get some exercise.
And that's why I'm back. I have a snotty inner critic more than willing to tell me what a lazy selfish self pitying  I am, for free--I surely don't need to pay someone $100 an hour to tell me that.
One of the (many) things I find interesting in the book is his discussion about right brain disassociation versus left brain disassociation. Right brain is the more common "regular" ptsd type of catatonia, withdrawal, whereas left brain is more often excessive monologuing,  anxiety, OCD behaviors, avoidance through busy-ness. Those are signs of an impending emotional flashback. Instead of pointing that out, my therapist encouraged those reactions as a way to fend off panic attacks. geezopete. I think I'm going to forgo one-on-one therapy for a while and go with group participation with folks who are more understanding.
Anyway, I do recommend Walker's book highly.

[Kwamina]

Hi doubleAries

Great to hear from you again, though I am of course sorry that you are currently struggling quite a bit with your inner critic.

When I joined this forum, you were one of the first people who responded to me, which I still appreciate  

I too am quite positive about Pete Walker's work and his tools to help us manage emotional flashbacks and inner critic attacks.

Well take care and I'm glad you came back to this community for support, as you have given a lot of support to other members on here

The Board Parrot

[busybee1116]

Hi DA!
I’m back as well. Good (? You know what I mean, sorry you are struggling) to see you again!  It’s been so long, I can’t even remember the abbreviations I came back the other day trying to remember JADE while replying to one of my mother’s crazier emails. Then I realized…I may want to spend some time here again. I probably should move on from my therapist, too.I was seeing her weekly to twice monthly ‘18 and tapered to group therapy weekly, then saw her 3-4x ’19, then once ‘20 to back to monthly recently. She is supportive and knows me, but we’ve hit a limit. My problem is that it’s nearly impossible to find a therapist accepting new patients where I live, even cash-based. Mine even accepts my insurance.  I’ve scheduled several appointments this month and next thinking maybe part of the problem is that we’re do infrequent, I spend the entire time catching her up with all the things going on. A LOT has happened in the past year. Best to you and see you around!

[poppy2]

Hi  @poppy2
I grew up with an extremely sadistically abusive mother and a sexually abusing narcissist father. So the whole Pete Walker book speaks to me, . There's so much good stuff in it, that I can't remember it all, and have to read and reread (or audiobook) it again and again. Right now, I think his chapters about the inner critic turning into an inner terrorist are resonating strongly (again--it's an ongoing issue for me)--see my response to Turkish.

Hi doublearies,

Well, that definitely sounds like a lot to bear! I also find the whole book helpful, but for different stages of abuse recovery (which I switch through a lot). I think his words about grieving, how to manage flashbacks, and the different types of trauma response are all very helpful.

Best wishes
poppy