Setting Boundaries with My Cruel Narcissistic Family Members

[zachira]

One of my most abusive relatives is in town and wants me to hang out with her. I felt like crying after turning down all her invitations for different activities. I just hate to treat people like I treated her, and it is not FOG. I like to be kind  to everybody and there are some people I have to protect myself from and not enable their abusive behaviors with me and others. I cried when I figured out my sister is a narcissist and there is no hope that she will ever be a decent human being. The same applies to this relative who is publicly charming like my sister and some other relatives while being cruel and selfish to those people they are closest to, mostly when nobody is looking.

[Methuen]

One of my most abusive relatives is in town and wants me to hang out with her. I felt like crying after turning down all her invitations for different activities.

  You did the right thing Zachira.  Absolutely.  I know how hard this is.  You are starting to take care of yourself, instead putting yourself last and the abusive people first (with the hope that the abusive people will change).  I hope this doesn't sound trite, but I'm genuinely proud of you.  Great step to healing.  I hope the next time you have to do this, it will be a wee bit easier, and just keep getting easier as you do more of it.  Better to spend your time with those positive people who are kind and appreciate you.    Anyways, good for you!

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for your healing empathy. I often feel for you knowing you don't want to hurt your mother and you have to set boundaries with her that you would not have to if she treated you with kindness and respect. I feel sad for all these disordered people and would so much like to help them. I have a lot of work to do on my trauma bonding, as many of the mothers in my family including this cousin were very generous and kind to me while they abused their own children, just like my mother. The cousin will be in town until early next week, and I expect a lot of criticism from the family about how I have refused to spend much time with her, as I am expected to be the scapegoat and endure any abuse family members dump on me.

[Notwendy]

This is not being mean or unkind to her-- it's being kind to yourself . Since this situation is hurtful to you, you are worth protecting

[zachira]

Thank you Notwendy,
I have so much work on learning to be kind to myself and choosing the right kind of people to have in my life. I often just feel like becoming a hermit for the rest of my life. I am way behind so many people so much younger than I am when it comes to emotional maturity and self confidence.

[zachira]

I survived the weekend mostly doing public and group activities with my chosen place and time with the relatives. I mostly enjoyed the interactions with the relatives when I was able to put the appropriate healthy boundaries into place. I was harassed by one relative about not being available and demanding to know what I was so busy doing that I was not available 24/7. I did not engage in the dialog with him as it is none of his business and would only open up the discussion of the legal problems with my NPD sister who has several flying monkeys on her side including him. He is just another flying monkey I have to deal with.

[Methuen]

It sounds like you handled the weekend and navigated your family really well.  More importantly, you also took a step to looking after yourself and your needs by managing your boundaries. 

[zachira]

Thank you Methuen.

[Notwendy]

I think you did great too!

Not engaging with the demanding relative was a good boundary.

[zachira]

Thank you Notwendy!

[madeline7]

Zachira,
You treat people with respect, and the treatment of healthy people appears respectful to them and the treatment of toxic people may appear like unfair treatment to them. The issues are with them and not you. You know this, but when we are in the moment, it's sometimes impossible to stay objective. You are doing great. But it's still hard to maintain those boundaries.

[zachira]

Madeline7,
You are so correct, that healthy boundaries are often a threat to dysfunctional people and seem like unfair treatment to them. My cousin shows up in town and wants me to spend 3 1/2 days with her, like I have nothing else to do. I realize now that people are a form of narcissistic supply to her. Thank you for understanding and as always your support.