I want to die

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I asked one of the moderators, and he suggested that I post this on the boards.

I have accepted that my ex cannot be there for me anymore. I invested a lot of hope in this r/s, and worked very hard to try and make it function.

Now that I feel what it is like detached, a very bad memory from my past has come up. The hope that somebody else would love me kept this memory away. Now, I feel I am before it without any protection or safety.

I've never been able to speak about what happened to me, but it made me want to die very badly. I lay in front of a fire and wished to disappear into it.

It's very hard to feel this grief, and see a reason to keep on living. There is no easy solution to what I experienced.

I was really hesitant to post this for several reasons. Please don't tell me everything will be alright, not even if you mean it. What happened was v. bad for me.

Thankyou for reading.

[poppy2]

I asked one of the moderators, and he suggested that I post this on the boards.

I have accepted that my ex cannot be there for me anymore. I invested a lot of hope in this r/s, and worked very hard to try and make it function.

Now that I feel what it is like detached, a very bad memory from my past has come up. The hope that somebody else would love me kept this memory away. Now, I feel I am before it without any protection or safety.

I've never been able to speak about what happened to me, but it made me want to die very badly. I lay in front of a fire and wished to disappear into it.

It's very hard to feel this grief, and see a reason to keep on living. There is no easy solution to what I experienced.

I was really hesitant to post this for several reasons. Please don't tell me everything will be alright, not even if you mean it. What happened was v. bad for me.

Thankyou for reading.

[Calli]

Hi Poppy,

I hear you, and I know how you feel.  I feel the same sometimes too.   The past few days in particular have been harder on me and I have had many many fleeting moments when I thought “I want to die”.   I even googled the phrase.  I know this is a part of how I am, and my depression, so I have learned not to fear the thought in particular, but to pay closer attention to myself and how I am coping as the thoughts can creep up sometimes.

I am here.  Holding your hand. And we can cry together. I know how it feels and it can feel so heartbreaking.   This feeling will pass soon for us both.  I know it.   Here for you. 

[poppy2]

I am here.  Holding your hand. And we can cry together. I know how it feels and it can feel so heartbreaking.   This feeling will pass soon for us both.  I know it.   Here for you. 

That is such a nice reply, thank you Calli  . I've been crying for the past three days. I would like to hold your hand and listen to you too.

[Calli]

Thank you (tears now). It helps knowing someone is here.  Hugging you.

[poppy2]

I'm glad to find somebody who feels the same way. Feel free to cry it all out, I'm next to you.

Did you ever tell anyone what happened to you?

I've "held" this experience at various points over the past few years. But I know the words for such states exist deep, deep down in a place that's hard to reach. I've still never said it and that is part of my pain.

 

[once removed]

There is no easy solution to what I experienced.

there isnt.

one of the most difficult aspects of grief, whether it is grief over a relationship, grief over the death of a loved one, grief of some time or thing in our lives, is that it can open up all sorts of other wounds, and the pain can be overwhelming. it doesnt help that its usually added on top of what is, to say the least, such a huge adjustment.

one silver lining is that that reopening is an opportunity for real healing. that is probably cold comfort right now. but there is hope.

i dealt with suicidal thoughts in my own recovery. it was some months down the line. i felt hopeless about the prospect of feeling better. it didnt feel like what i was doing was working. it didnt feel like anyone cared. today, im in a very different place.

people do care, poppy2, and are rooting for you. one of the things that i learned at the time, that may seem self evident, is that suicidal thoughts are the brain/psyches way of saying "i need help". in addition to leaning on your support group here, it would be a good idea to reach out to a local resource, as well as considering making an appointment with a doctor for a meds evaluation. i did the latter when things got really bad, and im glad i did.

I've never been able to speak about what happened to me

if you do, now, or ever (sometimes it helps to talk about these things, sometimes, in the short term, it can make things worse), know that this is a safe place to do so, and that we are listening.

in the meantime, tell us more about whats troubling you, that does feel comfortable to talk about.

[poppy2]

people do care, poppy2, and are rooting for you. one of the things that i learned at the time, that may seem self evident, is that suicidal thoughts are the brain/psyches way of saying "i need help". in addition to leaning on your support group here, it would be a good idea to reach out to a local resource, as well as considering making an appointment with a doctor for a meds evaluation. i did the latter when things got really bad, and im glad i did.

if you do, now, or ever (sometimes it helps to talk about these things, sometimes, in the short term, it can make things worse), know that this is a safe place to do so, and that we are listening.

in the meantime, tell us more about whats troubling you, that does feel comfortable to talk about.

Hi once removed,

Thanks a lot for your kind reply. Um, I feel like there is nobody to whom I can say what happened, because it was an experience of loss connected to migration. It was a very specific experience.

I would say what is troubling me is that I don't have an (emotional) home. I connected my last r/s at least with the hope of this and my partner's BPD turnaround (i.e., gone within a week) obviously crushed that dream.

I always feel better after letting the grief out. I feel better now. This is the pattern of the last few days, but so far it always comes back. I appreciate what you say about an opportunity for healing a lot, I would love it if this experience could be "healed".

I appreciate your advice. I don't really trust my therapist and, to put it kindly, we have very different approaches (to put it strictly, I feel she is unable to really hold space for me). I hope to see a better therapist from November on, but who has limited time/space until the new year. I have a psychiatrist but stopped one form of medication because i found it reduced my ability to feel, I'm on another but I have an appt with her on Tuesday and I could tell her I'm feeling suicidal grief, although I have no idea what the response to that is.

I am very isolated, or isolate myself, so I am very grateful for the forum.

I feel part of what sent me downwards was the accepting my partner who she "is" and no longer expecting her to come back at some point (I feel she left this door open in strange ways, even though she rejected me.) I honestly wish that we could still be together, but this part is also really fading as so unrealistic as I detach more.

I would like to be able to bring this grief into therapy but as I said, don't really see a future there.     

[Calli]

Poppy,

“ Did you ever tell anyone what happened to you?”  

I suppose I haven’t yet - maybe bits, or allusions, but still not everything.  It’s hard, sometimes, especially when I feel alone -but  I have been opening up more and more as I get older though.  And I am very glad for therapy.  And as Once Removed said, I appreciate this space as well - it’s a safe space, people care here.  And I’m very grateful for that as well.

Thanks for being here too, Poppy.  I’ve learned from your story as well - just like with others’.  It’s so hard dealing with grief - and this kind, when we lose a loved one in a manner like this - can bring up so much else deep inside.  But hang on to the knowledge that you are strong.  You know it.  You’ve overcome so much, and you will overcome this too.  You are a wonderful person, and the world is lucky to have you in it.  

[poppy2]

one of the things that i learned at the time, that may seem self evident, is that suicidal thoughts are the brain/psyches way of saying "i need help". in addition to leaning on your support group here, it would be a good idea to reach out to a local resource

I appreciate this suggestion. I have thought about the local crisis hotline, but the people there change every day, and it's in a foreign language (this is okay, but harder). I have thought about calling the Samaritans in England as a way of "managing" an acute suicidal crisis, like speaking to the same person over a few weeks. I didn't get up the courage yet. I think I need a kind of short-term suicide counsellor to call when I feel like "i need help" but where I live the only place like this is a medical clinic, and I won't do that. I will write the Samaritans and see if they offer a counselling service (I'm on European time)

[poppy2]

And I am very glad for therapy.  And as Once Removed said, I appreciate this space as well - it’s a safe space, people care here.  And I’m very grateful for that as well. 

Hey Calli,

I realized after posting that question that maybe it was too personal, but since we were sharing a personal moment I went there. I hope that was okay for you. You'll be in my thoughts and I would be open to staying in touch with you for mutual support/updates over the next weeks, if you think that'd work.

I'm glad that you have a good therapist. I like what you say about this forum being a safe space too, I find it kind of incredible that it exists.

But hang on to the knowledge that you are strong.  You know it.  You’ve overcome so much, and you will overcome this too.  You are a wonderful person, and the world is lucky to have you in it.

That's very sweet. I'd prefer to crawl into a hole and never get out again, but I'm smiling about it now. Part of this experience was having my agency taken away from me, and I haven't ever fully recovered it since then. I'm glad to read you have this voice inside of you tho, you seem like a wonderful person. I hope you have a comfortable evening and can do something nice for yourself after crying (I'm eating, the body is glad to be alive at least).

[Goosey]

Grief.
   That simple word can’t really be what you and I and others have and did experience can it? Can that simple word explain away the searing sadness, panic, fear,,loneliness, anger,  crippling loss of being? Can it really be broken down into phases we all go through to some extent?  Well in my case the answer is yes, and I assure you those feelings slowly fade. 
   

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Poppy,

So do you want the members of the forum to know you want to die or is it more important for us to know that you have a secret grief inside that makes you feel this way?

I read your poem, the secret grief is embedded and expressed there.  Are you concerned you will be judged?  This forum is anonymous so no one knows who you are, and my attitude (if you care) would be "Who cares if I'm judged, it's my grief, it's my story, it's my life, I'm not going for 'likes' here."

If you feel like sharing, share.  You feel like keeping your secrets close to your breast, keep.

[SinisterComplex]

Calli and Poppy. Honestly, I think this may be the best space for you to share your stories and get the junk weighing you down out of your system. Even if it seems like it is a unique situation let people who care have the ability to provide insight by using our strongest skill all of us on this board share...empathy. We can try to put ourselves in your shoes. Additionally, I don't think it is possible to get too personal on this board because hell this place is built for getting personal.

By no means am I trying to step on your toes. I just notice you two both are holding on tight and when you do that it makes it incredibly hard to get to a place of improving and healing. You cannot get to the detaching and moving on stage until you release the ties that bind.

However, I work on the principle of respect probably more so than most so if you do not feel comfortable sharing then I can respect your wishes. I come from a place of wanting to see you heal and be better. I do not want to see you held back. Something I have said on these boards...stick this mantra in your head...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes to both of you.

-SC-

[Cromwell]

I relate to the feeling. Id go so. Far as to say its been often in my life as an underlying theme, a death desire. The relationships I've gravitated to, the careers I've chosen and the situations. What curtailed it is simply, im not allowed to

Still too many people that I know my absence would detrimentally effect. So i share with the feeling if it is. Still there, in my own belief we are all dying anyway so it's nothing to want itll happen eventually we are all adults and know this.

In some ways the separation success is a form of death and renewal but ill leave that for another topic its a bit philosophical.

[poppy2]

Hey Goosey, Ad Meliora, SinisterComplex and Cromwell,

Thanks for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts, encouragement, or sympathy/relation. I appreciate it.

It helped me to express my feelings on the board and I'm going to wait until the next time they're genuinely there before I make the next post.

best wishes,
poppy

[SinisterComplex]

Hey Goosey, Ad Meliora, SinisterComplex and Cromwell,

Thanks for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts, encouragement, or sympathy/relation. I appreciate it.

It helped me to express my feelings on the board and I'm going to wait until the next time they're genuinely there before I make the next post.

best wishes,
poppy

Poppy...take your time. Also, just let everything come naturally. There is no pressure here. No timeline where there is a deadline you have to meet. You take the time you need and you do you. We are here to support you when you are ready.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Sappho11]

poppy... so sorry to hear you're going through this.

About not having a home... I relate. What little family I had passed away when I was six years old. Since then, I haven't truly felt connected to people at large – with few exceptions: the longest being when I was with the love of my youth who passed away, and when with my BPD ex.

Everytime I develop a crush on someone and they reciprocate, a faint glimmer of hope lights up inside of me: "Is this it? Is this the home, the connection that everybody else seems to have been born with?" And it soon turns into a flame of exhilaration that lights up my entire daily life. Alas, I've never been able to make it last. It's almost as if the other person feels that their role is too great, too heavy, too much responsibility. And perhaps it is.

The other day I spoke to someone who complained about the second lockdown and said "That was the first time I felt a deep, painful, cutting loneliness". I laughed and blurted out: "Lucky you!" They looked at me with a strange blend of pity and curiosity, the way you look at an exotic animal at the zoo.

What I'm trying to say is, poppy, most people won't be able to relate to your particular kind of sorrow. It's just a fact of life. With a biography like yours, and mine, we're predisposed to those dark moments, depths of loneliness and despair we've known since our youth, depths which most people will never reach in a lifetime. But... ironically, this is also what provides us with a vast potential for joy. What other people perceive as calm painlessness already is a delight to us; what they see as a mere pleasantry, to us, is exuberant bliss.

It might not feel that way right now, but what you perceive to be an affliction is, in fact, a tremendous blessing in disguise. Because it also means you have access to a profound kind of peace that simply flies under the radar of most other people's perception. You are able to take a walk on a clear autumn's day, look at the colourful leaves, hear them crumple under your soles, pick up a chestnut or two, see a flock of birds roosting in a tree, and be completely happy and safe. And the things which merely entertain most people – such as art, literature, philosophy, music – they don't just entertain you or touch you, but they exalt every fibre of your soul. And not least of all, since these intangible things are all that you know intimately, you have a singular capability of feeling connected to something that is great, eternal, timeless, mysterious, all-encompassing, healing, true, good. Some people may call it God, some call it the Will, I personally have no word for it but I'm sure you know what I mean – the feeling you get when you look at a starry sky, or open a book and it says right what you need to hear, or you listen to a piece of music and you suddenly know that all will be well, that you are loved and looked after. This spirit, whatever it may be, is something you are bound to intimately – a profound, unshakable goodness and greatness that most people in their mundane lives won't ever even catch a glimpse of.

What I am trying to say is, what may feel like a burden to you at times is in truth your greatest blessing: it eventually boils down to having access to a genuine happiness that is solely reliable on yourself – and yourself alone. Nobody can take this away from you. It's yours. It's yours forever. Don't flee it; embrace it.

[Woolspinner2000]

Poppy2,

You've opened up a great topic here, and so many of us can relate. Thank you for your openess, truly.

My son-in-law is from another country, and I have often just wanted to wrap him up in love and care so that he knows he is loved and cared for.

At this site, know that this is a family where you belong.

 
Wools

[Calli]

Hey Calli,

I realized after posting that question that maybe it was too personal, but since we were sharing a personal moment I went there. I hope that was okay for you. You'll be in my thoughts and I would be open to staying in touch with you for mutual support/updates over the next weeks, if you think that'd work.

Hi Poppy - don’t worry at all - it’s a very good question and I’m glad you asked and I’m happy to connect with you and share here.  I hope these past few days have been better for you. They have been  for me - it sometimes amazes me how low I can be one day, and the next it’s back to a more steady place - waiting for the feelings to subside is such an important lesson and life skill to learn, I’m discovering.  And I think I’m better at it now than I was when I was younger. 
Thank you again for your kind words and reaching out.

Sending you strength and love!
Calligrapher

[poppy2]

I hope these past few days have been better for you. They have been  for me - it sometimes amazes me how low I can be one day, and the next it’s back to a more steady place - waiting for the feelings to subside is such an important lesson and life skill to learn, I’m discovering.  And I think I’m better at it now than I was when I was younger. 
Thank you again for your kind words and reaching out.

Sending you strength and love!
Calligrapher

Hi Calli,

I like your full name, I didn't realize Calli was short for Calligrapher. It's great to hear that you're feeling better and that you can 'ride the wave' better now after being low.

I took another route - I cut myself off from my feelings entirely. I was sick of feeling this grief, so now I just feel a low-grade residual anger. I think I'm going to do this for a while now, as that suicidal grief felt bottomless.

Best wishes to you
poppy

[poppy2]

Poppy2,
My son-in-law is from another country, and I have often just wanted to wrap him up in love and care so that he knows he is loved and cared for.

At this site, know that this is a family where you belong.

 
Wools

Hi Wools. You always write such nice comments, I can tell you are a generous person.

Yes, the problem of coming from 'two places' is one of belonging, you're right about it. It's also being split - what is common to one place is strange to another, and vice versa.

I've only been back home twice in nine years, and last time I was there the trip was ruined by my abusive ex-partner (long story). I felt a part of me die then, as I had planned, worked for and looked forward to that trip for 1,5 years. Since then it's been Corona and I couldn't go back even if I could fix it with work, money, dates.. everything. I come from the other side of the world to where I live now.

My grief centered around this 'day' when I felt myself 'die' there (I mean, my hopes and dreams, my expectations and needs around what this trip would be)... I spent 24 years in that country, I needed to belong there too, and I had 4 months semi-leave, enough money, a house to housesit (otherwise, I couldn't afford a place there), time and energy to reconnect to my roots and take away happy memories. Instead of that, I got abuse, fights, and constant boundary breaking from my deranged ex, who I had stupidly trusted and taken along with me.

That's enough of that for now. I'm surprised it came out of me.

Hugs  

[once removed]

I have an appt with her on Tuesday

how did it go?

[poppy2]

how did it go?

Thanks for asking. It went okay. I like her more than my current therapist, and she is trained in EMDR... but I'm not sure if she really gets the abusive relationship situation.

I have to wait 20 days or so until I see her again, and then I think we will be establishing trust rather than getting into trauma territory. There is also an open question about whether or how my insurance will cover it, that's still to be resolved.

I think you never really know until you try several times. What I wish for is some intensive, short-term intervention therapy (like, 3 times a week), but this is not possible atm.

Thanks a lot for asking and hope you're doing well across the pond

[poppy2]

Hi,

so I'd like to revive this thread. What I really appreciate about all of your responses is that they show your individuality, that there is a person at the other end of all this. So, thankyou.

My response is super long but if only one person reads to the end I'll be grateful.

In March of 2018 I was raped by my parter after telling her that I wanted to see somebody else. This was a means of asserting domination and control over me, and unfortunately it worked. I couldn't admit what had happened. I stayed with this parter for perhaps the next 1,5 years, and every boundary that I tried to set was broken in this time, always with the same sort of cajoling manipulation and force that had created the rape in the first place.

I don't really know if I should go into these stories, but I also don't see why not. The very worst violations involve not being touched, sleeping in separate rooms, or being alone. This is not even including verbal agreements, many or all of which she broke. It was only after realising the original rape in March of this year that I could also place all of these other boundary violations into context. I thought - that was why I was so angry all the time, why I had disability level stress gastritis, why my health was collapsing. It all made sense.

It was so degrading to be lied to all the time, and to be somebody else's creature or object without any autonomy or independence of my own. The only time in my life I have ever tried to kill myself was after telling her not to touch me and, after a huge scene of manipulation and crying, eventually caving. The next day I took a borderline dangerous level of  codeine pills, I didn't really want to die but I couldn't live with this situation anymore.

We ended up going together to my home country, after yet another agreement from her that things would be different. This was only the second time I had been home in 7 years. After only 1 week I had a terrible fight with my sister (I couldn't spend time with her, because of being so exhausted from old pwBPD's constant crises) and then also finally lost my mind after again asking to be left alone and my ex partner coming up to cuddle me 20min later. She had 'merged ' with me and this just drove me mad because I always saw myself as a separate person and wanted to have privacy and self-respect.

It was in that time that I originally experienced the event that gave me so much grief I wanted to stop living. I spent most of a 3 month trip in my home country dealing with absolutely disordered behaviour and fights with someone who had promised me this wouldn't continue there. It broke something in me to lose that connect to my past. I feel like since then my life stopped and my spirit is still living there, waiting for the day when I can return. It was so awful being the caretaker of this person (I didn't know about BPD then, and I was trapped by violence) and it was frightening for me to be discarded this year by somebody else and finally read about the disorder and realize I had had these two relarionships to it.

There isn't really anything anyone can say about this story, it's in the past now and this isn't a rape survivors forum. This post is much more venting than asking for advice. I often become immensely triggered, and I was again 2 days ago, because I saw this absolute PLEASE READ of a person is walking the earth, making art shows (about grief, no less!), and generally living their life. Not only that - and this is something people who have been with truly abusive BPD partners will understand - I have now heard she is smearing me to common circles we have, in what terms I don't know but basically I think saying I was abusive.

There was one incident where we had a terrible fight that turned physical after (you guessed it) me being asked to be left alone and going to my bedroom to recuperate. I had lived with constant boundary violations for 1 year, which began with a rape I couldn't even remember, and after this I just exploded and sent her out of the house to separate us (another boundary, which she broke within 24 hours). That's when we had the physical fight, and this is I think the basis of her smears. She really is a pathological victim, and I wish I had known about BPD when I first met her cause this is how I felt compassion for her in the first place. I didn't know that victimhood is actually a form of control.

I feel like I did my best in a situation that taxed my resources beyond any sort of human limit, and that in return I was so traumatized and basically now even suffer the indignity of being smeared to others. I realise that this person is severely mentally ill, and that if I denounce them in public, which I have thought about doing, it will probably go badly for me. pwBPD really do believe they are the victims, really will say anything, and others will naturally believe them until the whole truth comes out.

I felt in the last two days that this secret is like a poison eating away at me, until I eventually speak it out in public. I believe I have to denounce them as a rapist, while at the same time in the long run this will probably damage my mental health so much. I would like to be left alone to process all of these terrible burdens without also having to deal with the public presence of this person, the fact we move in the same queer and artistic circles in three different cities, and the fact that they are smearing me to other people. But that is not an option.

I wanted to post on this forum, not because anybody can give me any answers, but just because I like you all and because these issues are so isolating. I have thought of even posting my denunciation of my rapist here (without the name) as a way of finding some relief... i still haven't decided if I will post it on social media or not, as the consequences of such a thing are so unknown, it could backfire in horrible ways, or it could bring people to my side, or it could simply make me feel better to have it out there. I'm going to ask on a sexual assault forum about it and talk to friends to help me draft a statement.

Inside of my grief is so much anger. Somebody did these things to me. But I haven't found the right channel for this anger, and there may not be one. My wish is that the person who took away my life from me would rot in a hole somewhere, but is there any chance of that happening? if I publically name them, I make myself legally culpable.. because, I don't think I have the strength to actually go to the police, and I certainly don't have the money for a legal battle. But maybe if I gather a community of people and speak to lawyers I can eventually do it.

There are no easy answers and the process will probably continue for a good while yet. I think for now I need to focus on recovery, which may really take 1-2 years... and it's hard to imagine suffering isolation from our common (and professional!) circles in this time, until I reach the point where I can properly denounce them. My other plan is to slowly but surely tell a select group of people the real story and basically, find my social glue that way. It is very hard to know what to do, while considering that any contact with her at all brings up all this poison and trauma and grief.

if you've come this far, thanks a lot for reading. I'm sorry it's so long, I'm too tired to try and make it more concise.

 

[Ad Meliora]

  (x 10) Poppy.  I read it through.  Thanks for sharing, I'm certain it took a lot of courage.

This person you reference is of no concern to me, but you are.  I hope in sharing this helps you let go of that person, and the abusive acts they did to you.  Who cares about them, they are unworthy of your further caring.  You are the important one here.  I think you're important, your words have been very helpful to me.  It is the modus operandi of those with PD's and BPD especially to smear and tell stories that make them look good perhaps by playing the victim.  There's been a lot of that on the list.  But it's just part of their twisted thinking to maintain their twisted and disordered world.  You need not be a part of that any longer.  You're far too good for that.

Maybe there is a chance you can find some new circles, some better circles to run in.  Elevated circles.  Maybe you need to create your own Poppy circle of positive people?  I think you're doing everything right at this point, you've shared a traumatic incident from several years back, and if I read this right you had two back to back BPD relationships. It's no wonder you're hurting now.

It may feel like a lot of things are wrong, but I think you're getting things right.  You're getting some of that toxicity out.  You're writing expressive poems and sharing the hurt with others who know how it feels.  You probably are right to seek specific answers on the rape survivors board.  Again, showing how good you are at now understanding your pain and how deeply these traumatic events have effected you.

Do you feel at least 5% better?  Is that an improvement? Ok, one more...   (I'm not really the huggy type)

[lichtermeer]

Inside of my grief is so much anger. Somebody did these things to me. But I haven't found the right channel for this anger, and there may not be one. My wish is that the person who took away my life from me would rot in a hole somewhere, but is there any chance of that happening? if I publically name them, I make myself legally culpable.. because, I don't think I have the strength to actually go to the police, and I certainly don't have the money for a legal battle. But maybe if I gather a community of people and speak to lawyers I can eventually do it.

sweet poppy,

just know, that you don't EVER have to apologize for your emotions, just for actions that come from those. Here you didn't hurt anybody, this is a thread for emotional trauma after those relationships and- I know this feeling- of being not worthy to let it all out.
But let me tell you here, that you are worthy of that and very allowed to do so- you even told people in advance before your text and basically asked for consent to read it ( if this makes sense)

I think after a relationship with a pwBPD we're likely to be trained to hurt somebody with the feeling of anger or emotional intensity and don't know if we will hurt anyone if we let it all out. But the key is in how you handle those situations, and not to forbid your own emotions.

Don't feel bad about the incident with your sister.  A therapist explained it to me in this way: Just imagine opening a bottle of soda, right out of the fridge- it might be a bit fizzy sometimes, but it's safe to open. Now if you shake it all up, of course it will explode, once you open it."
It's totally normal to „explode", if you get shaken up this many times before in the relationship. Your only human and can only handle a certain amount of stress.

I also wanted to adress your story of sexual abuse. You are not alone. I think it happens a lot in relationships where boundaries aren't respected, just how it happens so often with a pwBPD.
I didn't experience this in my last relationship, but before with another person. It's okay to look for apologies for that at first. Your mind most likely can't understand what happened and refuses to see the trauma, hurt and disrespect that was forced upon you. It's a totally normal reaction and you can forgive yourself for that 100 percent. It's a long way to that full forgiveness but time will probably take you there, if you learn to forgive yourself first.
It is not your fault this happened to you and you will not let this happen to you again, because you are going to learn how to take care of your soul and body in relationships.
For the channel of anger- well that's a bumpy road. But I suggest really seeking a therapist, special meditation on self-healing, bond-cutting and forgiveness, and (it helped me)- some sort of sport (for me it was kickboxing).
Believe it or not but I sat down for months every day talking to the body parts that were touched during this incident and tried to send them as much love as I could and thanked them for being so strong- it helped a bit.

My dear- you are not alone, and it is not your fault! Everything will be okay with time because you will find your personal way of self-healing if you're seeking for it.
Your answers gave me so much strength and safe feelings in the other threads, I am already very thankful for you and believe, if you are capable of giving those feelings to a person over the internet- you are more than capable to give those feelings to yourself.

Hugs and much love- if you want to:)

-Lichtermeer

[Newdawnnewday]

Dear Poppy,

you've received two very thoughtful and delicate answers from people who have already been SO DEEPLY touched by you, that they couldn't help but to connect with you on a very deep level as many of us have, here. I don't even know you and yet, you have been in my thoughts already (out of the blue ! yesterday ! I thought of "Poppy" !) : that's what an impression you make. That's how beautiful you are !

I am so, so sorry you were raped by an intimate partner. This is so terrible. From what I understood, it was very hard for you to recollect and accept because you likely were in a state of disassociation from all the abuse ; as a result, it must have been very hard to simply piece back what had happened together ; and realize what had happened. Did I get this right ?

So, this is not a memory that is fully integrated yet, and it must still fuel some very bad PTSD that requires a lot of time to heal. Is that correct ?

You know, Poppy, you have come such a long way ! Just being able to let it out, and share it with us : I'm so proud of you ! But it still hurts VERY BADLY, how could it not ? And it probably fuelled the imbalance that caused you to open up to another very imbalanced individual ; and so, you may feel as though, you've gone from bad to worse and still haven't found any place to LAND.

A SAFE PLACE TO LAND.

To lick your wounds, to repair yourself, to heal deeply, without having to go through the additional horror of a smear campaign !

I'm personally very familiar with the effect of smear campaigns, sadly.

Faced with a bad smear campaign...

Sometimes, the only solution is to move.

But sometimes, IT IS NOT !

Sometimes, the solution is to find one or two very precious people who you can confide in. I wouldn't just as yet go public with the rape, because you still have A LOT to process and I wouldn't want to see you re-traumatized by that horrible individual, in case of a backlash. We know how these types function. There's a power dynamic at play, and usually, people without a conscience win. (They don't win in the long run, but as long as we're not healed 100%, they win, because they can still trigger us badly).

What I would do, is : I would try and focus on finding that SAFE PLACE inside and out.

Sometimes, we can't find the safe place inside until we have found the safe place outside.

That's what I hear from what you're sharing. That you feel the need to belong again, without fear that your abuser's false narrative will dominate the scene. Without the fear and shame that BELONGS with her and that she projects onto you.

So, perhaps, you could start with one or two people from these circles.

But, BE CAREFUL. I'm going to say something that is very painful, but most people love drama, love gossip, love to smear, love to see another being smeared. Very few people have a sense of decency, and very few, a sense of justice. So, choose very wisely. If you still can't, choose us, up until the time where you have found a NEW FRIEND in those circles.

We're all reeling from relationships with significant others with BPD, but sometimes, the sweetest balm comes from a friendly face, a friendly hug, a friendly ear, a friendly heart, that can hear your pain and be there for that. Better than an SO.

This is what you are doing for all of us here, and hopefully, we can be there for you as well. Your pain really resonates with us and I hope you know it can find a way to rest, if only for a little while, in the safe haven of our hearts.

Take care Poppy, you're a very delicate yet powerful, and profoundly touching soul !

[Cromwell]

Poppy

How are you wie geht is dihr?

[poppy2]

Hi all,

I was really struggling to wake up (again) in the world in which this poison exists inside of me.

Then I recieved not 10 but 11 (!) hugs from Ad Meliora as well as some very kind and sound words.

I recieved some beautiful reassurance and advice from lichtermeer, about the body parts and my ability to help myself.

And I recieved some excellent advice and a caution about the importance of safety from newdawnnewday.

All of these things made me feel something beyond the trigger - I felt connected to the person I was before all of this happened for a brief moment.

That meant more to me than words can say. I hope that you all understand how much it means to me to feel that, and that you contributed to it. Finding that person (who was a person of great integrity) again is the real balm beyond this twisted violence.

There are so many more important thoughts in your posts, I've read them i just can't reply right now as it takes a lot of strength, but they entering me.

I have a body therapy tomorrow and I'm sure it will help me express the grief and pain of these emotions.

Thank you again

[poppy2]

Poppy

How are you wie geht is dihr?

Mir geht's besser, danke. Thanks for asking Cromwell. After these r*** flashbacks it's like I have to crawl my way back to sanity from the edge. It's awful.

How are you?