Learning to love/have empathy while detaching

[Depression = 72% of members]

No matter how difficult it was to be dumped by my bpd/ppd gf (sleepless nights, major traumatic experience) my mantra was to lead with love. My gf had a terrible childhood, far worse than the two months of sadness I experienced. It's not her fault that she is the way she is. She is a victim to a terrible childhood/adolescence/continued abuse. I feel for her. Detaching while remaining compassionate has allowed me to grow. I can now use what I have learned to be a better person than before I met her. Understanding and practicing this, has been very helpful.

[rob66]

No matter how difficult it was to be dumped by my bpd/ppd gf (sleepless nights, major traumatic experience) my mantra was to lead with love. My gf had a terrible childhood, far worse than the two months of sadness I experienced. It's not her fault that she is the way she is. She is a victim to a terrible childhood/adolescence/continued abuse. I feel for her. Detaching while remaining compassionate has allowed me to grow. I can now use what I have learned to be a better person than before I met her. Understanding and practicing this, has been very helpful.

[Newdawnnewday]

Thank you Rob, that is very beautiful.

I've read your initial post. Truly, our exes with BPD have gone through so much, it's very hard not to feel a lot of compassion for them.

As for me, I am not "detached" enough after 3 weeks No Contact to entertain feelings of compassion that wouldn't be tainted with deep, personal, romantic love and that wouldn't lead to maintaining some kind of "Inner" Contact, in violation of the No contact rule. In my case, that would (I fear) amount to feeding my addiction to my ex.

But I really hope to get there one day.

Sending love and prayer their direction, that can't be wrong for them, can it ?

  Hope and healing for the suffering souls of this hard, hard world. 

[rob66]

Hi, New ...

It is so difficult to love while trying to detach. Where do all of our feelings go? I fight my anger, I fight my blame of her; it's a tough process. It can be easily confused for still wanting to have a relationship with my ex. That's where the work comes in. I have to repeat a mantra daily: "lead with love, lead with love, lead with love ..."

For me, understanding the difference between fixed and growth mindset helps. With a growth mindset, the most difficult challenges become opportunities to grow. After two months of no contact, I still feel a lot of pain because our relationship was so amazing, but I look at the growth that I am experiencing, and already envisioning the good that I can bring to this world with my increasing compassion. I will be a better person because of this.

You were not addicted to your ex - you were in love with her. It is not wrong to send love and prayer in their direction. Not one bit.

You WILL get there one day

[Newdawnnewday]

Hi Rob66,

You're a truly lovely soul.

I still try to accept all my emotions, including anger ; I sometimes even direct anger towards my ex (mentally) and I accept that.

I have learnt to discharge my anger in a healthy way.

It is important for me to acknowledge it and "use" it, in a way it's like harnessing its power !

My anger is here for a reason, I can use its energy for self-protection.

Same for the blame. However futile it may be to blame someone with a disorder, these are natural emotions, and I allow them to take their course. I simply try not to get stuck there.

As for growth, I agree with you. It's our job to find what growth opportunities this life crisis presents to us. Sometimes, it's very hard to do ! But with sufficient imagination, and the willingness to discover and explore what the blessing in disguise could be this time, we'll manage to find the gem in the horror.

Take care !

[rob66]

Yes, definitely the anger is here for a purpose, and I do channel it in a healthy manner - I exercise vigorously. Sometimes I'll allow myself to say "Her disorder really made her act lke a jerk," but I do make sure to acknowledge that the disorder is a culprit, I guess. I don't know if this is the best way to handle it, or if I'm even doing it the right way. I'm just trying to act with compassion.

You are right that acknowledging our emotions are there for a reason.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi rob66, 

No matter how difficult it was to be dumped by my bpd/ppd gf (sleepless nights, major traumatic experience) my mantra was to lead with love.

It is a difficult thing to take the high road, one rarely seen I think. Everyone goes through detaching in their own unique way as best they can, and you have chosen one that is helping you in the process. That's awesome. 

As I detached from my ex, I remember trying hard to still be respectful and as kind as I could. It was hard, especially when he wasn't, but like you, I knew I had to be that way because I had to live with myself. I had many friends tell me that I went through the detaching process well, and that would cause me to stop and say, "I did? How could that be?" I was just plugging along doing the next thing but others noticed. I am sure you will be glad you followed through. Stay healthy for you too.

Keep hanging in there.

Wools

[rob66]

Woods, I think you really zeroed in on what was important to me: I have to live with myself. Thank you for acknowledging how difficult it can be to take the high road. It's incredibly validating.