How to get diagnosed?

[Cheeto2525]

Hi there! I have had an extremely difficult relationship with my mother through the years. We have visited many counselors to fix our relationship and nothing has ever worked because my mom doesn’t see my feelings or needs. I later notice that because my mom isn’t attuned to me at all and she has interpersonal relationship and abandonment issues. In addition she is highly emotional and angry and a lot of the time distorted.I believe that she qualifies for the DSM 5 diagnosis of BPD. My mom (functioning) is not aware that she has an issue and doesn’t know that  I believe she has this problem. My mom was diagnosed as having a personality disorder in the psych ward she went to for suicide yet has never went deep to discover the issues. I want my mom to get help to help improve her health and me and my siblings relationship. How do I get us help? The big problem I have is that she may cut me off if she learns that I believe she has this problem. The biggest thing is the diagnosis can help us look for resources and help build our family back.

[kells76]

Cheeto2525, welcome to the group -- we're glad you found us and reached out.

You've tried hard for so long to have a positive relationship with your mother, and yet despite all the professional involvement (and your growing understanding), nothing has genuinely changed with her. I hear you wanting things to be better, to be healthy. It hurts to be unseen by family.

Can I ask, and please only answer what you're comfortable with, are you living at home still or out of the house? How about your siblings? Sometimes "helping" and "not making things worse" can vary based on the ages of family members involved. I.e., if you and/or your siblings are minors and still dependent on your mom, there'll be a different dynamic at play, and different strategies, than if you and/or siblings are more independent by age and living situation.

The big problem I have is that she may cut me off if she learns that I believe she has this problem.

Tell me more about this... what would a cutoff look like in your life? financial? emotional? both? other? more?

...

I can share this with you -- my husband's kids' mom has MANY BPD-type traits (blaming, self-centered, Fear-Obligation-Guilt, never her fault, etc), yet to the best of my knowledge, she has never had an "official" diagnosis. One of the most important things to take away from this group is that you don't need the dysfunctional person in your life to have an official diagnosis for you to move forward with using BPD-centric tools, skills, and communication techniques. Whether the person ever gets a diagnosis or accepts what's going on with them, you are "allowed" to use what you learn to make things better, or, definitely, not worse.

Ugh... I'm at work and suddenly have to run... so glad you posted and reached out! Looking forward to hearing back;

kells76

[Cheeto2525]

Hey there thanks for reaching out!  . I am a 20 year old with 3 siblings in relationship with her. My oldest sibling who is 10 years older than me has a strong relationship with her. They do not live together but my mom visits her very often (2-3 times a month). Then it’s me who is living alone for school. My other sibling who is 19 and also has a strong relationship with my mother but lives away because of college. Then my younger sibling who is 15 and ran away from her house to live with his father. My youngest sibling and I are the only kids of hers that believes that my mom has a problem. My mother is already emotionally and financially cutoff from me because I don’t live with her but she had never offer those things before her divorce and the end of dependency from my father. She just will punish me by shaming me and making me feel as though I am a bad person/child. She has friends and family day shaming and mean things to me. It’s heartbreaking. I went to live with my father when I was 18 because I felt as though we never had conversations on things and my mom never got better. She had family and friends write to me to let me know that I was being selfish and childish and that I needed to come back home.

We have gone to lots of therapist but the issue is sometimes some people aren’t able to see what’s going on. It is also much harder because I’m a child saying that there is a problem which can be extremely inappropriate. Let me know what you think. I’d love any and all support. Thanks for welcoming me to the group.