DIL triggered every time she visits me

[Lookingforserenity]

For 10 years I’ve been dealing with my BPD DIL. She’ll be triggered by some slight thing I say or do and stop my son and grandchildren from contacting me. She’ll finally forgive me and have a scheduled phone call where she and my son review all the bad things I’ve done and I have to promise never to do them again. For years I’ve done that because i didn’t want to loose contact with my 10 year old twin granddaughters but I’m tired of the verbal and mental abuse. Today she sent me a long text saying how offended she was the last time she visited (in July) because I asked her how my son was doing. I haven’t been able to see him for 2 yrs because of COVID but she came to visit with my grandkids so I asked her. She said she would not be subjected to that pain and wasn't going too see me again.  I copied her text and sent it to my son and said I was done fighting and would have to accept that I wouldn’t see them again. I’m heartbroken about it but after 10 years I’m tired of walking on egg shells.

[Notwendy]

Good for you. As sad and hard as this is, you don't have to tolerate this kind of abuse.

Why isn't your son visiting you? While I understand concerns about Covid- if your DIL and grandchildren live in the same household as he does, then all are exposed to each other- there's no more danger from a visit with him than with them. As to vaccination status, the kids are too young, and so are unvaccinated. If they can visit, why can't your son?

Concerns about Covid can be mitigated. I have elderly relatives who are very cautious and so, we visited them outdoors, in nice weather. Before the vaccine was available, neighbors would talk to each other outside in our front yards, from a safe distance. There is also phone calls and video calls.

My best guess is that your DIL doesn't allow contact between you and your son. Covid or not.

My father, BPD mother, and his family were involved in similar dynamics.

I know you miss your grandchildren and that this is a huge loss. I hope that when they are older and able to that they will make contact with you on their own- that you will find some way- perhaps social media, or otherwise to have contact with them. Your son probably feels he has no other choice. He's  tolerating this for the sake of peace in his marriage and to hold it together. Your part is to be on the Karpman triangle with them as a target for your DIL's issues. By taking yourself off the triangle, you have changed the dynamics with them. They will have to find another target. You don't have to be that.

[zachira]

You are not alone in deciding you can't tolerate it anymore. I have several abusive family members whom I am in the process of going low contact/no contact with. I realize what you have shared is likely only the tip of the iceberg as far as what you have endured to be able to see your grandchildren. There just comes a point when you are done putting up with the mistreatment for now. Know that going no contact does not have to be permanent and can result in unanticipated changes in your difficult relationships that may allow you to go low contact at some point. Many members on PSI have gone no contact and low contact at different periods, and for some the no contact has remained permanent. We get it here, and are here to listen. Let us know how we can be the most helpful. There is no limit on posting here.

[Lookingforserenity]

Thanks for your replies. I haven’t used this support group in several years but was so glad to find it again. It’s so helpful to read other stories that are similar and to understand the disease.

Regarding why my son is not visiting. He says he’s too busy with work but he went to visit her family with her two weeks ago.

You are probably right about her not allowing him to visit. The same day she sent me the text my son called my daughter and complained that she ignored him during their FaceTime call. She has a 2 and 4 year old and they were showing off to their uncle but he said  because of their behavior he couldn’t talk with his sister. My daughter always has to initiate any calls with my son and the verbiage he used came straight from my DIL. It seems like my DIL  had a bad episode and she made my son call and yell at his sister and then she sent me the abusive text. Definitely trying to stop all contact with us.

I need to research the Karelian triangle you referenced. 

[Lookingforserenity]

Good for you. As sad and hard as this is, you don't have to tolerate this kind of abuse.

Why isn't your son visiting you? While I understand concerns about Covid- if your DIL and grandchildren live in the same household as he does, then all are exposed to each other- there's no more danger from a visit with him than with them. As to vaccination status, the kids are too young, and so are unvaccinated. If they can visit, why can't your son?

Concerns about Covid can be mitigated. I have elderly relatives who are very cautious and so, we visited them outdoors, in nice weather. Before the vaccine was available, neighbors would talk to each other outside in our front yards, from a safe distance. There is also phone calls and video calls.

My best guess is that your DIL doesn't allow contact between you and your son. Covid or not.

My father, BPD mother, and his family were involved in similar dynamics.

I know you miss your grandchildren and that this is a huge loss. I hope that when they are older and able to that they will make contact with you on their own- that you will find some way- perhaps social media, or otherwise to have contact with them. Your son probably feels he has no other choice. He's  tolerating this for the sake of peace in his marriage and to hold it together. Your part is to be on the Karpman triangle with them as a target for your DIL's issues. By taking yourself off the triangle, you have changed the dynamics with them. They will have to find another target. You don't have to be that.

[Lookingforserenity]

Thanks for your replies. I haven’t used this support group in several years but was so glad to find it again. It’s so helpful to read other stories that are similar and to understand the disease.

Regarding why my son is not visiting. He says he’s too busy with work but he went to visit her family with her two weeks ago.

You are probably right about her not allowing him to visit. The same day she sent me the text my son called my daughter and complained that she ignored him during their FaceTime call. She has a 2 and 4 year old and they were showing off to their uncle but he said  because of their behavior he couldn’t talk with his sister. My daughter always has to initiate any calls with my son and the verbiage he used came straight from my DIL. It seems like my DIL  had a bad episode and she made my son call and yell at his sister and then she sent me the abusive text. Definitely trying to stop all contact with us.

I need to research the Karpman triangle you referenced. 

[Notwendy]

I know my mother put my father up to saying things. She basically controlled his relationship with me. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It's his loss, but it's also his loss to figure out. You don't deserve to be treated like this and can have boundaries.