My wife took her life last fall. I'm still so attached to what might have been

[NM mtnMan]

She had so many mental health issues - childhood rape, drug use, psychosis, paranoid delusion, narcissism, and she wouldn't get help because she didn't believe she had any problems. I loved her - attached / trauma bonded to her, and tried to "save" her. Our sex was the best of my life. We loved to do so many of the same things. Her violence was horrible. It's so hard to stop fantasizing, stop idealizing, stop attaching, and move on. She delivered our son 3 months before taking her life. I'm raising him, and I've connected with her family since her death. Both make moving on easier, and harder.

I'd welcome any suggestions.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi NMmtnman,  Welcome.  I'm sorry to hear of the truly unfortunate circumstances that have brought you here to this forum.  It sounds as if your wife was suffering greatly and has now left you to pick up the pieces.  How are you doing?  Do you have a good support network, and family to help you with your son?  How about talk therapy, have you looked into that?

You're going to be attached to your wife through your son, so I'm not sure you need to beat yourself up on that note at this point.  I don't think it's bad to even do some idealization of your ex and remember the good parts, for your son's sake.

I would imagine there are people here raising children with their BPD partners now out of the picture that can help with specifics.  You may also want to check the board on Co-parenting as you might be likely to find people there to help as well.

For now, you have yourself and your son to take care of.  Good luck.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi mtnMan, 

I'd like to join AdMeliora and welcome you to our online family. I am so sorry for what you have gone through and continue to experience. I can only begin to imagine how hard it has been.

Grief is a different world to walk through, especially I believe, when there was a lot of emotional pain involved. You have the good things to remember and the not so good things. The guilt of not being sad that the bad times are no longer there, and the loss of what was good. It's normal and okay that you're in that place.

Keep taking it one day at a time. Share as you can, and we will.listen.

 
Wools

[SinisterComplex]

She had so many mental health issues - childhood rape, drug use, psychosis, paranoid delusion, narcissism, and she wouldn't get help because she didn't believe she had any problems. I loved her - attached / trauma bonded to her, and tried to "save" her. Our sex was the best of my life. We loved to do so many of the same things. Her violence was horrible. It's so hard to stop fantasizing, stop idealizing, stop attaching, and move on. She delivered our son 3 months before taking her life. I'm raising him, and I've connected with her family since her death. Both make moving on easier, and harder.

I'd welcome any suggestions.

First, yes we do welcome you with open arms  and I have my own personal welcome of the #bropound.

Beyond that, honestly your situation is certainly different and much harder than many others. I am not going to try to relate, but instead offer the respect that I can only imagine how you feel. I will just say please continue to post and vent and get rid of the junk and weight in your head and heart. It is ok to let it out here.

Now, with that out of the way. You asked for some suggestions...well how about you work on changing your mind set. Ok you say it was the best sex of your life. How about we change that around to that is the best sex you have had up to now. Have to get rid of the pedestal to make room for growth opportunities. Believe it or not something as trivial as just changing the mind set can actually be the biggest thing that ends up helping you in the long run.

Obviously you cannot focus on the past. The ink is dry and it has already been written. Close that chapter. Start writing a new one and craft the story how you want to moving forward. You are the author and you sir are in control of how the story plays out.

I look forward to helping you in your healing journey and seeing you find happiness and heal.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[kells76]

Welcome, NM mtnMan. I'm glad you reached out. That takes guts.

It's ok that it's hard to move on. Maybe it's a sign that you have your own timeline, and something in your mind or heart or psyche needs to "spend time" in this place before moving on. There's no "right" timeline, only yours.

I'm glad you have connections with her family. That'll be so important for your child. Can I ask, have you gotten any professional support for yourself? Sometimes when we are left holding so much darkness, it helps to have someone neutral and supportive be a witness to it all.

How's your son doing? Is he walking yet? I bet he's a joy.

Write back whenever works for you,

kells76

[PearlsBefore]

A virtual hug, for if you ever return. And some practical advice:

-Your son will have an increased chance of BPD himself as genetics do play a role, though without the environmental factor he's not as high-risk as most children of BPDs would be. But keep in mind some of his acting out may be from crossed wires that he truly cannot help.

-There's some truth to "Crazy in the head, crazy in bed" - my advice is to just walk away from the "best sex of your life" maxim, don't try to outdo it, don't try to find anyone who would be half as good as she was. Honestly, it's not likely to happen except with somebody with even more baggage and psychiatric issues. Be glad that it happened, smile sometimes to yourself remembering something fondly, but just plan on having a "boring vanilla relationship with a boring vanilla woman some day". Your high-octane days are behind you now that you're a Dad.

[formflier]

Both make moving on easier, and harder.

I'm so sorry this has happened.  I want to assure you that you have found a group of people that "get it" and I hope we can walk alongside you in your grief.

Best,

FF

[MeandThee29]

((hugs) Be kind to yourself. I don't believe the saying that "time heals all wounds" and prefer to say "time gives perspective."

I wish that it was truly easier to work through these things, but it's not. Mine was a long-term marriage and divorce after he retired, so my life doesn't look anything like what I thought it would be at this stage of life. My life is truly very good now, but tinged at times with sadness, particularly as the holidays approach. I chose during the divorce to take out everything requiring ongoing contact with him, so no college funds/insurance for our college kids (no custody issues) and no alimony. I was horribly broke when it was final and did get part of his pension, but not enough from him to keep going long-term. Thankfully I'm fine now.

My ex had documented mental health issues including BPD. He had a near-fatal suicide attempt and was hinting when he took off. Later during the divorce, he hinted again with his attorney several times to the point that his attorney was considering calling the police for a welfare check where my ex lives. His very experienced attorney was so distraught over the situation and struggling with how to handle "the worst client ever" that he overshared with my attorney, but it did give us a window into what was going on that led to both attorneys working very hard together to settle it with the hope that doing so would drop the emotions down. Well, closeout was crazy too, but we got it done.

It's been a while since I heard from my ex, but I have reason to believe that he never owned up and never got treatment.

[WhatToDo47]

I know this is an old post but it’s an important topic. Hope you’re doing okay and so sorry to hear about your loss! You’re a great father and person. Prayers for all!