Bedtime Boundary

[mitten]

It seems like the common thread for all of us here is gaining the courage to set boundaries.  So I thought I would share a simple "starter boundary" that I found easy to set.  Perhaps it's the first boundary I set with my uBPDw. 

BEDTIME BOUNDARY-  Like many people with BPD traits, my wife is a night owl and won't go to bed until midnight or later.  Since our relationship started I felt it was romantic to go to bed at the same time (even though it was rare that she would want to be intimate).   When we had kids, going to bed at midnight when you know you'll be interrupted with crying babies in the middle of the night became unwise.  Nonetheless my uBPDw would still rather stay up and shop online and browse social media or binge watch Netflix.   

After discovering BPD, I realized I needed less one on one time with my wife, so a way I could reduce time with her and gain some time to myself, was to go to bed one hour earlier.  Going to bed one hour earlier has the advantage to also allowing me to wake up earlier, before the uBPDw and kids are up - so I can have coffee, read or simply have some time to myself. 

So how do I do it?  Beyond casually saying "I need to get more sleep because I'm not sure what the night will bring with kids", I usually just say, alright, I'm tired, time for bed, and then get up and brush my teeth.  It's really hard for someone to argue that you are not tired.  Sometimes she'll push back and want to watch another show but usually she follow me to bed. At that point she typically stays up in bed for another hour... which means she sleeps in later than I do.  This makes for some peaceful time for me in the morning! 

Anyway, just thought I would share this simply boundary.  Being well rested and having some more time to myself has made navigating BPD a little more bearable for me. 

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[Jabiru]

Good to hear! A solid way to improve self care. I had to set a boundary for late night discussions to ensure I got sleep.

[mitten]

Oh yes, the late night discussions...  luckily lately the kids have been a distraction from those.  But before we had kids she had nothing else to do but start deep discussions right around midnight while we were laying in bed.  At the time I didn't know what BPD was so I would try to defend and rationalize with her.   As you can imagine, this made us go in circles late into the night.  I learned the saying "never go to bed angry" does NOT apply when you have a pwBPD in your life. 

[sshaligr]

heartening to know that going to bed past midnight is an issue shared by other pwBPD.  Luckily for me, my wife is on her phone till she dozes off to sleep.  I generally go to bed around 10:30 pm.  Due to this arrangement, we seldom discuss issues during bedtime.  The times we do discuss issues centering around "you dont support me", or "you dont love me enough", it invariably spirals out of control and the entire night is spoilt for both of us and as a result the following day is even worse.  Trying to delay or distract rarely works.  I feel engaging them in a routine that they like and can do on their own during bedtime without anybody's involvement is a better option for a peaceful night of rest.

[Cat Familiar]

Good strategy, mitten 

My husband is another one of the midnight club. I’m usually ready to go to bed by ten, but I still have to feed my 21 year old cat and my insulin resistant horse another meal to keep them stable overnight.

I used to lose a lot of sleep when we tried to sleep in the same bed. I’d be waiting for hours for him to come to bed, then when he fell asleep, his snoring would wake me repeatedly.

Finally, desperate for good sleep, I started sleeping in another room.

He’s free to stay up, be on his computer, read, watch TV, whatever he wants to do, have late night snacks, and I get a good night sleep.

Usually he will complain that he didn’t sleep well. I’ve had to refrain from saying, “Of course, the blue light from devices will mess with your circadian rhythm and eating late will keep your digestive system awake.”

It seems that pwBPD are so wound up that they cannot easily slow down and decompress the way the rest of us can. My mother was like that too. She had to have the radio on a talk station to sleep.

[mitten]

 I feel engaging them in a routine that they like and can do on their own during bedtime without anybody's involvement is a better option for a peaceful night of rest.

This is great advice.  My uBPDw loves to browse her phone for hours in the evening.  Sometimes this is the most peaceful time for me. 

[Boogie74]

I wish I had the same success.   I am often very tired and fall asleep in the living room while we watch tv.   She accuses me of “not trying to stay awake” because (clearly) “someone can decide not to be tired if they wanted to”

If I try to go to sleep before her, she acts as though my fatigue is an intentional method to spend less time together.

Help?

[Notwendy]

If she said you were a pink elephant, would you consider the possibility? Would you be thinking, hmm, maybe she has a point, I do think I might have a trunk and tusks...

Or would you be thinking "no way".

You have a boundary sense of self. You know, absolutely, you are not an elephant. It's so absurd you wouldn't even consider it.

You also know that no matter how many times she says this, her saying it can not make it be true.

This might sound strange, but this analogy helps with a sense of self. Any time we are accused of something, we run it by our "sense of self" and if it isn't true, we don't defend it. You would not JADE to your wife about being an elephant or not. Using this analogy helps me to not react to untrue statements.

So she can say whatever about your need for sleep but it is a scientific fact that humans need sleep and you are a human. It's absolutely essential you make sleep a boundary- even if you need to go to bed in another room to get the sleep you need.

Also, if you are falling asleep in front of the TV, consider you may want a sleep study to rule out a sleep issue.

We need to breathe, sleep, and eat. That's a solid fact no matter what she says- so go ahead and do what you need to do to get that sleep.

[mitten]

That's great advice NotWendy! 

Boogie, what if you tried saying something like "I'm really tired so I'm going to go to bed.  Come join me". And either way you go to bed and almost act as if you expect her to join you as you walk towards your bedroom... even if she doesn't.  Falling asleep in front of the TV might send her the wrong signal and shows lack of boundaries and discipline to get healthy sleep. 

[Cat Familiar]

I’ll play Devil’s Advocate about the falling asleep in front of the TV. (I do it too    )

It’s a time when you can be “off duty” regarding your PwBPD, and it is soo relaxing!

[mitten]

HAHA Cat! 

But what I meant was that it might show the uBPDs that the person is tired but that they are not willing to make a move and go to bed because they fear it may trigger something. 

[Cat Familiar]

Sometimes you have to be willing to trigger away, but not take the bait. “I’m tired, I’m going to bed, want to join me?”

No participation in discussion or debate. It is what it is. The pwBPD can learn to self soothe or not. If they choose not to, that’s their choice.

“OK. We can talk in the morning, I’m going to sleep now.” Period.

[mitten]

I started this thread almost 2 years ago but this Bedtime Boundary has been a huge blessing for me.  When I go to bed earlier (and my uBPD wife goes to bed late) it allows me to get up earlier while she sleeps in.  This gives me an hour of quiet time to drink coffee and read before the chaos of the day begins. 

Like the saying goes, "nothing good happens past 11 (or fill in the blank with your desired bedtime)"