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Expert insight for adult children
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Family dynamics matter.
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Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
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Author Topic: >Parenting Help?  (Read 54 times)
legalboxers
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ex GF / Fiancée
Posts: 300


« on: October 13, 2021, 03:28:25 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
Not sure if Im posting this in the right area but maybe someone can guide me. My issue now is my mother. (When it rains it pours) a few weeks ago, my mother accused me of giving jewelry to the psycho ex. I asked her "why would I do something like that" shes like "oh I dont know it was opportunity"  saying "God knows.. God will know".. A few weeks after I thew it in her face with her accusations and she was like "Oh I found it, If I told you, you would harp on it". Mind you she went on for 3 days about this. And she later found it in her box.

Today, similar incident, she is accusing me of taking $15,000. She - again states "Oh when I go into the garden and plant you look all over the house". Again, I sit in my room and Im in my room or Im sleeping. How do I combat this and stop her from blaming me for things which Im not doing.

Shes 85, she refuses to see a doctor. She claims shes "fine". when shes not. I tell her shes not ok. She even stated "I moved the money 2x". 
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khibomsis
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Grieving
Posts: 648


« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2021, 01:38:55 AM »

Hey Legal, good to hear from you! I am sorry your mother is being so difficult. I would suggest you post on the Parent board and you will get lots of helpful reponses there: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0
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Methuen
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2021, 02:20:34 PM »

Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
Not sure if Im posting this in the right area but maybe someone can guide me. My issue now is my mother. (When it rains it pours) a few weeks ago, my mother accused me of giving jewelry to the psycho ex.

Today, similar incident, she is accusing me of taking $15,000. She - again states "Oh when I go into the garden and plant you look all over the house". Again, I sit in my room and Im in my room or Im sleeping. How do I combat this and stop her from blaming me for things which Im not doing.

Shes 85, she refuses to see a doctor. She claims shes "fine". when shes not. I tell her shes not ok. She even stated "I moved the money 2x". 

Oh I so get this.  You're posting in the right place.  I think everyone on this board can probably relate to this type of thing.  pwBPD always need someone to blame.  Even after she finds the money, she isn't capable of telling you she found it, or it was her mistake.  I think of it this way: they have such a poor sense of self worth, that they can't let themselves be accountable for anything, and always need someone else to blame or project their issues onto.  Those of us who have a sense of self and at least a little self-worth can own up to a mistake, even if we are embarrassed about it, but pwBPD feel so hollow inside and carry so much internal shame, that they have to deflect their mistakes onto someone else (hence the blaming and projection).

Therefore it's not personal.  It feels personal when you mother accuses you of taking $15000.  But instead of taking it personally, look for the hidden message.  Perhaps what she's really saying is that she might have done something with it but can't remember, and now she can't find it and she's scared she lost it. Instead of calmly looking for it, she projects that blame onto you.  It's just classic.

She's not going to change.  Trying to change her, or JADE will just escalate the conflict, and hurt the relationship even further.  It's the disease.  It's not you (it took me a long time to learn not to take these things personally).  I had to change my expectations, and accept that my mom was never going to change.  The only thing I could control was how I reacted to her.

My mom once told H and I that her bf was seeing another woman, and giving her a ring (on a trip out of town).  It turned into an enormous drama.  OMG.  So what really happened?  When bf went on his trip, my mom knew he was going to visit friends and family (800 miles away).  She was "in love with him" so her worst fear was losing him to someone else.  She imagined he was going to see another woman on this trip.  In fact, there was no "other woman" and no ring.  But her once she had thought of this narrative (that he was visiting another woman and giving her a ring) it became a FACT to her, and then she just spun completely out of control.   

So if I were to speculate and hazard a guess, perhaps your mom is afraid of losing some jewelry?  Or misplacing money?  Is she disorganized by any chance?  If she does lose something, she is always going to blame someone.  That is never going to change.  Instead, focus on the hidden message in her blaming, and maybe try using a SET response to calm her down and validate her feelings.





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Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1774



« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2021, 07:06:35 PM »

Hi legalboxers,

Methuen has shared some good thoughts with you. As I read your post, I had some of the same thoughts, that this is just a whole lot of projection your mom is doing.

It's not easy, especially when it comes to being accused of something as large as these items are monetarily. I went through something similar, and had to deal with a lot of hurt feelings and my own tears. Finally I learned to pick up on the fact that most of it was a way to control me through projections. Once I started to not take the hook and didn't emotionally respond, it got a lot better. It still hurt, but I stopped taking the bait.

Have you ever heard of BIFF? Brief, informative, factual, and friendly  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0

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Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Naughty Nibbler
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2021, 08:50:36 PM »

You mom is at an age, where she could be suffering from some degree/form of dementia.  It's common for some people at 85 to be forgetful and paranoid, even without a personality disorder.

It's easier to blame someone else, instead of facing the fact that you have memory issues.  Additionally, she should be checked for a UTI.  Urinary tract infections can have subtle symptoms in the elderly, but at the same time have an impact on their memory and sometimes cause hallucinations.

Through the years, I've know of a few elderly individuals who were in care facilities.  They would become fixated on thinking that staff members were stealing from them.  In some instances, that could be the case, but in other cases it wasn't.

You indicate that your mom won't go to a doctor.  How long has it been since she has seen a doctor?

 
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