I'm normally on the PSI board, but this thread caught my eye because not JADEing has been something I've been working on for a long time. Like you, I figured out the trap, and decided I needed to step off the JADE gerbil wheel permanently.
pwBPD: You're a terrible person.
pwBPD: you ARE and you can't even admit that you aren't perfect! You don't give a s*** about me!
This is rough. Since we have to be the adult in the relationship, it is incumbent on us to find the exit to the situation you are describing.
I love kells76 ideas
. Both those ideas take away all the power in her words. I'm actually putting those ideas into my phone...
Not as good as either of those is an alternate approach of using a SET statement (which focuses on the second accusation since it tells you the most about what might really be behind her emotion):
Response: Huh. It sounds like you might be feeling like nobody cares.
Her: blah blah blah
Response: Tell me more.
Her: blah blah blah
Response: What would be the most helpful right now for you to feel better?
It validates her feeling, and then guides her towards thinking about a solution...
But honestly, kells76 suggestions are quicker and easier, with less effort and less risk too probably.
Then there's this:
Response 2-
me: I'm sorry for being terrible.
pwBPD: See, you're admitting you're terrible and you're not going to do anything about it! You don't give a s*** about me!
me: I do care about you.
pwBPD: you don't!
I have to ask, did you say sorry in the hopes the problem would go away? How has that worked out? Has she stopped this pattern?
Never say sorry unless your personal value system is guiding you to take accountability for something you know and believe you did wrong. The way I am seeing this, what she is doing to you, is about making herself feel better by controlling you with those toxic feelings of hers. But in healthy relationships, one person doesn't control another in any way. The only way for her behavior to stop, is for you to disengage from the game. For starters, don't validate the invalid. You are not a terrible person, so why apologize to her for being terrible? In what world does that make any sense?
I can see this coming from a mile away but I don't know how to avoid the endless loop of arguing. It can happen out if nowhere when I'm perfectly happy just watching TV or enjoying my dinner. It usually starts with an unfounded vague accusation and away we go. It's exhausting. She seems to enjoy it
Don't engage. Go for a walk. Leave the situation. Set a boundary: "mom, if you are in a mood to argue or fight, I am going to leave". Then leave.
After the first time setting a boundary, it gets easier. I used this line once (If you____, then I will leave), and left without putting my shoes on (I picked them up and carried them) so I wouldn't have to listen to another second of her toxic waste. (My pwBPD is my mother). Without a boundary, and as long as you keep taking the bait on the end of her fishing line, she is going to keep reeling you in.
I used to be one of those fish that got reeled in. Not saying setting boundaries is easy. There's going to be setbacks. But these strategies do work, and using them does get easier with practice. The relationship is never going to be "typical" because of the BPD. But it can get better than it is now.
Just a few of my thoughts. Maybe they aren't helpful. Kells76 two ideas are in my phone.