Really struggling with trying to make it work

[UtterlyExhausted]

This is my first post here, but I have been lurking and reading posts from others for quite some time.

My BPD wife and I have been married for 20 years.  We spent about 18 years with no clue about BPD or her diagnosis.  About two years ago, I was googling looking for answers to some of the inexplicable problems we were having with our marriage.  I landed here and her diagnosis became clear to me.  After about 6 months, I got up the courage to share my concerns about her mental health with her.  It was not a pleasant conversation but in the end she agreed to talk with a professional about her diagnosis and try DBT.  She actually did the DBT for about 6 weeks before declaring it was not helping.  She said she was doing it for me, not for herself so I can understand why it wasn't terribly effective.

Fast forward about another year and she decides that she wants to try DBT again so she can start feeling better (yay, so proud of her for that).  She has been in DBT for about 3 months.  She describes it as incredibly painful during every session.  She has considered quitting several times but has stuck with it so far.  The thing is that after pretty much every session it seems like her symptoms are getting worse.  She is now pretty much threatening divorce weekly and going into crisis mode for 4-5 days every single week.  Has anyone has a loved one go through DBT and noticed a similar pattern?

I do love my wife and we have 4 children together.  In my particular situation, 3 of the children are young adults who are still living at home while attending college and the 4th is my daughter who is 14.  My children all see the issues that are caused by the BPD and we talk fairly openly about it amongst ourselves.  I am sure they are to some degree negatively affected by the emotional instability.  My eldest son in particular holds a lot of resentment towards mom and the way I have been treated.  I have been earnestly trying to make it work but I am really really running out of emotional energy.  It has begun to affect my own mental and physical well being.  I pretty much lock myself in my office or leave the house while she is in crisis mode because literally any interaction only worsens the situation.

I am really glad she is trying to get some help, but man is it tough being on the receiving end when she is looking for some outlet for her pain.

One last question... I have read on this forum that I need to walk away when she is dysregulated.  I have pretty much done that our entire marriage as I learned very early when she was upset there was no consoling her and trying to do so would only make matters worse.  My problem is when I try to walk away she simply will not leave me alone.  Before she was in DBT I could set boundaries and she would usually respect that.  She would usually leave me alone until she was no longer dysregulated.  Now, I literally have to leave the house for the verbal assault to end.  I have 4 other people who depend on me so leaving weekly for 4-5 days at a time doesn't seem like a great option.  Does anyone have tips for how to deal with that?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi UtterlyExhausted, 

Welcome! Good name choice, BTW. 

I'm glad you're here and that you posted. Definitely sounds like so many hardships are going on, and trying to stay the course is troublesome. I can tell that you are supportive of your uBPDw and are trying your best to hang in there.

Is it possible or probable that her DBT sessions are triggering her emotions so much that she is self soothing by taking it out on you? I know it's a strange way to soothe oneself by hurting those you love. My uBPDm did this all the time. It hurt my dad and my siblings, and I so much. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

As to your last question about walking away, since I don't have a good answer for that, I will let some of the more experienced team members here offer their thoughts. I do know that staying could cause you to escalate, and that wouldn't be good. We need to help you find some good options for a plan B that will keep you and your kids safe. Safety is priority #1.

 
Wools

[ForeverDad]

Have you read Get Me Out of Here — My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland?  It's a paperback account by someone recovered from BPD.  It was exceedingly tough for her, but it turned out well for her and her family.

What helped so much was that her therapist drew a strong line/boundary concerning their interactions.  He remained absolutely neutral emotionally, not even touching.  (That's why you bear so much of the brunt of her behaviors, because your spouse can't get past the past emotional baggage of the years of close relationship with you to really listen to you.)

That book ended on a high note.  Only when her therapy was completed, she got to hug her therapist for the very first and only time.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.

Wow, your experience is not something I would have expected after lurking on here for a few years.  Any chance you can meet with her therapist and get his or her opinion on what is happening?  Do you have a therapist you can ask? 

One last question... I have read on this forum that I need to walk away when she is dysregulated.  I have pretty much done that our entire marriage as I learned very early when she was upset there was no consoling her and trying to do so would only make matters worse.  My problem is when I try to walk away she simply will not leave me alone.

Have you discussed this issue with her when she is not dysregulating?  As we all know, until people are in their rational mind there is little point in having a discussion.  Have you attempted to implement "Time Out" rules?  Most of them state both sides have to agree to separate for a set period of time, but then they have to come back together and discuss the topic.  Typically, it's separate rooms for 15 minutes.  For me, it's 24 hours as I need time to process.  The trick is to get both of you into a situation where a discussion is productive.  Can you state "I'm starting to flood and I need a time out."? 

Good luck.  CoMo