Mastering I am going somewhere...

[AlwaysMean]

  Its Friday! Hello Everyone! 

My struggle today and everyday for that matter is being virtually stalked and fogged.  I got rid of my phone a year and half ago (now he starts an fight anytime I bring up getting a new one). So, he has asked me to keep a chat open while I am at work. Tell him who I talked to (How do I I know him or her? blah blah blah). Tell him where I am going. Tell him what I am working on. He asks what my coworkers said about our weekend cultural events. Anyway I am going off topic here. Anytime I go another building with in job's company he begins to F.O.G. Here is todays conversation:

him: How's work?
me: quiet only one in the office... I am going to the CBC room to vote sometime this morning... last day to vote for elections
him: CBC?
Me: That room with the glass door next to the entrance of the admin building
him: Mmmph
But why you leaving
me: leaving?
him: To go next door
me: vote
him: What does that mean? Dawg

I know this is an attempt to re-enforce the projected feeling of obligation. I still haven't went to go vote. Why do I have a hard time getting passed these things when he says something like this? I try to remind myself he doesn't communicate like other people. Just remember although it feels like guilt, you have reassure him and move on with your plan whether he likes it or not.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi always mean, as you know I’m on a similar journey with my wife. So I probably can’t help but just wanted to sympathise. For me the situation is almost worse.. years ago I quit childcare because (before we had babies) she was jealous of me spending time with babies and children. When it was my lunch break I had to go out to my car and ring her for the whole time which basically stopped me talking to anyone else. She doesn’t want me teaching in schools because she doesn’t want me to make friends. Or attend music concerts for my students, me to dress up and be sociable with other people. When I left my precious country and relationship for her, I had a piano concert for my students and she actually wanted to attend on Skype. That was where I drew the line. But when I performed in a concert, guess what, she didn’t want to attend on Skype because she was jealous. I have quit all of these things for her. Due to Covid and having a sick baby, I am now mostly teaching piano online from home, she likes hearing what I say to everyone and complains if we talk about things other than music. I just go out a few times a week to see students and have three cleaning jobs. I rarely get any time away from my wife. I can’t even imagine saying, “I’m popping out to get some milk.” It’s something I have to “suggest”. And she will ALWAYS say NO. And then, if it happens it was a good idea then she will usually say a bit later on, “right you go and get milk now”. If I leave the house without her, it has to be her idea. And she doesn’t like me seeing my family on my day off, because I should want to be with her all the time. Did you get to vote in the end? I really hope so. This stuff is so hard so don’t beat yourself up over it. I was very disappointed with myself the other day. I read two books to our toddler and then we were just starting a third and my wife demanded I stop reading to her. She’s jealous and wants to read the books but she’s feeding the baby so toddler comes to me. So I stopped reading the book. I was so angry with myself for not standing up for myself and our child. But we’ll get there, one small step at a time, right?

[AlwaysMean]

Thank you for sympathizing with me. We have the same story. I am Language, song and dance teacher. He needs to know everything that is going with my work. Who I talked to and what was talked about... ugh. I don't take breaks at work because he expects me to call him. If I work the whole time it at least give me the illusion that I have some kind of control. I have slowly alienated all my coworkers who I used to be close with.  If there is a new employee in the office I have tell all I know and be asked to stay away from him/her. When I am home every phone call I make from the land line is always who you calling/ why are you calling him/her?

I have let go of soo much too... I don't spend as much time at my parents anymore. Anytime I left the living room there was either lots of questions or FOGging taking place. I can't even talk to my Mom in private for 30 minutes without  being accused of abandoning. Hunting and fishing are huge part of my culture. I grew up in the natural cycle of the seasons. Harvesting has been replaced with his tournaments. We have a clan of men and women harvesters in our family who work together but now I hunt and fish with partner by side alone. It's hard because he doesn't know as much. When its my idea I really have to fight for it and its tough battle. The only way things come easy if it's his idea. He tries to make up for it by asking what I want but when I say what I want, he steers the conversation in his favor or just straight invalidates me. So, now I just say "I don't know" all the time. Which is driving him nuts too but when asks why do I keep saying that I tell him, "It doesn't matter what say, you are going to have it your way anyway." <-----3/4 of the time after that he begins come around and loosen up on me for a few days. When people ask to have time with me I don't know how to answer them because my partners is super glued to me. I get anxiety to even answer. Every answer is a wrong one.

yes, I voted. I just messaged him:

me: I am going to go vote now...
him: Mmmph Y
me: what do you mean y?
It's what I do as productive member of my community
me (15 mins later): Heading over now
me (10 mins later:) I am back
him: Oh

That "oh" means that there is going to be a talk later. And now I have all these feelings going through my body. Also, earlier during lunch he asked if I had voted yet which I said "no". Then he asked "Are you not voting because you love me?" I smiled and hugged him and left it that.

I feel horrible right now but the good thing is that I went and did this innocent task because I wanted to. Little steps at a time.

[Cat Familiar]

This kind of control didn’t happen overnight; it occurred bit by bit as you allowed it to, in order to keep the peace.

I’ve been there too, in my previous marriage.

How to get out of this quagmire?

Boundaries

The expression “To make an omelette, you have to break some eggs” applies here. Yes, they will be upset, but don’t you get upset too. Remain calm and steady, and soon this will become a habit—you will be able to maintain your equilibrium regardless of your partner’s mood.

To begin, select something small. “I can’t talk now. I’ll call you in an hour.”

Then build upon small successes. It’s of no benefit to either of you to allow this pattern to further devolve. You will become more resentful and your partner will not learn self soothing skills.

[thankful person]

Always mean, thank you for sharing more of your story. I feel sad that you have had to give up so much of yourself and especially your relationship with your family. I relate to your situation so much. Like not having a moment to call your own and not being allowed any other people in your life. The other thing my wife loves to say, like if I say I laughed with someone about something random, she’ll say, “do you want to have sex with that person?” I’ve stopped sharing any positive moments I have with anyone with her, for this reason. When your boyfriend texts “oh” we have an equivalent here which is “k”. If it’s really serious I get a “kk”.
Well done for voting, you did the right thing and you’re on the right place on the site here.
Cat, I can’t possibly imagine doing your suggestion of saying, “can’t talk now I’ll ring in an hour..” I think I’d have to start with two minutes and build it up!

[mitten]

To begin, select something small. “I can’t talk now. I’ll call you in an hour.”

Then build upon small successes. It’s of no benefit to either of you to allow this pattern to further devolve. You will become more resentful and your partner will not learn self soothing skills.

This is really great advice.  I used to respond right away to text messages from my uBPDw.  Recently I started trying to NOT respond right away.  Even to really simple things.  Just to ween her off the expectation of an immediate response.  An example might be a text message while I'm at work thats says - What do you want for dinner?  I will usually wait 30 minutes or so now to respond. 

[babyducks]

I think Cat Familiar is correct that this is about boundaries.     This is about a failure of boundaries.   

People who are this controlling believe if they put 100% of the responsibility on the people around them they will ~always~  feel loved and cared for.   

People who accept responsibility for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save/fix/soothe  someone. They believe that if they can “fix” their partner, then they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.

Yet,  they both fail completely in meeting the other’s needs. In fact, they both only serve to perpetuate the neediness and low self-esteem that is keeping them from getting their emotional needs met. The Controller creates more and more control, and the Controlled appeases and appeases, but the love and appreciation they’ve always needed are never actually transmitted to one another.

It does take two, one to control, one to be controlled.   Breaking the pattern will require the realization that you are in control of what you do, who you talk to, if you leave a chat screen open or not.   Yes there will be consequences to the decisions you make but at least you will be making them,   and you can grow your resilience about how to handle conflict.

Cat is also right that it will take time to walk this back to a more comfortable place.   starting small is a good idea.   the 'requirement' to immediately report in that you voted is - in a way - self imposed.    you can wait an hour.    you can change the topic.    you have choices and options.     

'ducks