Why are we all so incredibly hurt?

[rob66]

My first time on this site, I immediately recognized that there are so many who are/were/will be traumatically hurt by someone with BPD. Why is this? Why is there such deep pain among us? Why does such merciless heartache seem to characterize us?

[Cromwell]

Hi Rob66, welcome

I suppose it's just one of these occasions that make sense, online as much as offline. If I walk into Mcdonalds and watch obese people gorge themselves with more unhealthy food. My own perception and judgment is at play to diagnose as lonely, unloved, addicted to dopamine.

But there is a very individual story in each of us here and the relationship. Not everyone is heartbroken or traumatised and those who are is on a. Scale of severity.

My own experience, its true id call part of it traumatic and heartbreaking. The reasons for it, these are more the realm of highly trained therapists i wouldn't really know why happened to me and others didn't end up here.

How are youDoing

[marv1995]

Hi rob,

My best guess would be the trauma bond and the intensity of the relationship with a pwBPD. I think most (not all) of us are trauma bonded because of the back and forth, hot and cold behavior. So I think it's those trauma bond hormones going crazy that are causing us so much unbearable pain. I will say that as you continue no contact, those feelings will lessen because the trauma bond is breaking and you are able to see clearly. I'm about three months out of my relationship with my exwBPD, and I feel substantially better than I did two months ago. Hang in there! 

[brighter future]

I agree with what marv said above. For me, one of the things that hurt most was this woman told me I was the man of her dreams and said that she "would do anything to be with me" right up until the day that she discarded me. That's what was so hard for me to accept, as any other relationship that I'd been in I could see the end coming. Not this one, however.

I've come to accept the fact that she isn't capable of healthy relationships, and to this day nothing has really changed in her life a year and a half later. Maybe she meant what she said to me about what I meant to her, but possibly she meant it only in the moment. Or, maybe she didn't mean any of it. Funny thing is, I asked her to explain the sudden change of heart to me a few days after the discard. She couldn't give me an answer and said that she "couldn't answer any of my questions." My guess is that she really didn't know herself. She rarely finishes anything in her life, so why should relationships be any different.  Since a fair amount of time has passed, it's mostly water under the bridge at this point, however, it took me about 8 months to get to this stage. I still run into her occasionally. Sometimes she flat out ignores me in passing which no longer bothers me, but I ran into her as recently as a little over a week ago. She talked to me like I was a long lost friend. Maybe word has gotten back to her that I've been seeing someone else for a while now. Who knows.  

Best wishes to you, rob.

[rob66]

Thank you all for your responses. I agree that the intensity of the relationship, and the quick seemingly unbreakable bond we formed, followed by a breakup that was out of nowhere - just because I criticized her during an argument - are major reasons why this hurt so bad. It was, as my therapist said, just like grieving a death. Sunday morning in love, and Sunday evening dumped. However, looking passed my ex's BPD, we really were simpatico. We shared our love for the outdoors and staying healthy and active. We did so many things together. She was recuperating from a repaired ACL that she tore on one of our ski trips when she had this crisis moment and ended the relationship. Her reasons were pretty petty.

I'm almost two months out, and I feel pretty good. I miss the beautiful times my ex and I had, I miss her, and still care for her deeply ... Detaching while having compassion and love for her has allowed me to ; also throwing myself into daily vigorous exercise helped, as well as frequently seeing friends. Life goes on. I learned to love deeply with my ex, learned for the first time the beauty of vulnerability in a relationship; learned how to care for a partner, and learned that having a partner is one of life's greatest pleasures. I will meet someone else again, and lean into the great things I learned as a result this experience.

[Cromwell]

Sounds very much like construction of an "us" and "them" categorisation.

Red team versus Blue team.

[rob66]

Cromwell, I'm not sure I understand.

[lichtermeer]

Hey rob,

especially your description of the good times with her hit very close to home.
I hear you. It's very hard to let go but you seem to see very clear and hopeful.
I'm sending you hugs and the feeling of safety where ever you are!
Hang on there and give that love back to yourself. You deserve it.

[rob66]

Thank you, lichtermeer. Same to you!

[Cromwell]

Cromwell, I'm not sure I understand.

It sounds like wanting to understand is important to you.

[grumpydonut]

Might be an unpopular hypothesis, and there really isn't black-and-white answer due to differing circumstances, but my opinion is this:

Many of us were drawn to people with BPD because they filled a void that was created throughout childhood. They love bombed us, which boosted our self esteem and showed us that we actually matter and are important. This wasn't something we were taught in childhood - perhaps due to emotional neglect, abuse, etc.

Then, suddenly, the "unconditional" love from our BPD partner was withdrawn. This brings familiar feelings of unworthiness, thus we begin to pour more and more into the relationship in order to return to the love bombing stage - and subconsciously undo our childhood schemas of "I'm not enough".

Additionally, our partner's condition leads to intermittent reinforcement schedules. Our relationship has become mostly abusive, but there are small and unpredictable periods where it goes back to how it once was, thus we become addicted. It's the same type of reinforcement used by gambling companies to addict their customers. Why? Because it's effective.

Throughout devaluation, their behaviour becomes more irrational and features mixed messaging. They love us, but can't be with us right now due to a) b) c). We try harder and harder, until we are ruthlessly devalued and, often, replaced.

What now? Our childhood script has been reinforced. We truly aren't enough, we believe. Maybe we don't deserve love. As such, we are left to deal with feelings of worthlessness and helplessness while simultaneously dealing with withdrawal-type symptoms. And...doesn't it feel familiar?

If there's a devil, it would be the perfect plan to emotionally destroy a human being. Give them what they've always craved, then take it away without any explanation to reinforce the destructive beliefs that are deeply rooted in their subconscious. Give them no opportunity to escape, give them no closure regarding why they were devalued. Allow them to come to the conclusion that they are simply not enough.

Anyway, my thoughts from a psychodynamic (and probably developmental) perspective.

Note: This does not apply to all. But, I'm confident that this applies to a significant proportion of us.

[Cant breathe]

Grumpydonut, that is the most accurate explanation I have read anywhere of why some of us are so bonded and why we are so devastated.

[Deep Blue]

Grumpydonut hit the nail right on the head I feel. BPD’s are oftentimes attracted to codependents. And if not already a codependent, the non quickly becomes one after having to jump through hoops and morph to placate the BPD’s splitting. The intermittent reinforcement and the love bombing gives us the validation that we are good enough and that we are worthy of love. Early on, the BPD will oftentimes show vulnerability too, and we will attempt to comfort them and provide love. But being the black holes that they are, our love is not enough, and they then lash out in the most destructive and hurtful ways possible. It’s straight up abuse. And the non’s codependency makes the non try to appease the abuser and earn back their love. It’s a really sickening cycle to be frank.

Towards the end, after countless devaluations, the BPD looks down upon the desperate to please non, with a look of disgust and disdain and then will leave and treat the non as complete and utter garbage. It’s quite literally the most destructive, painful, and traumatizing experiences that can occur to someone in their adult life. That is why so many of us are broken/incredibly woe ridden after these type of relationships.

Promises were made and broken. Love given and retracted. Self esteem built up and then shattered. Told that we were the one and then abandoned naked and alone. It is truly a hellish and evil experience regardless of if the BPD abuser is aware of it or not.

Deep Blue

[poppy2]

Hi,

I would like to second what brighterfuture said. For detaching I think it's important to personalize what happened to us as much as possible, even if knowing the categories and patterns of BPD is indispensible to understanding the broader picture.

For me, what hurt so much was the sudden betrayal of trust. I felt like I could rely on this person to be there for me based on all of the accumulated emotional memories we had together. And for her, this situation was markedly different - I couldn't have seen that coming. I never would have thought of her as a destructive, 100% self-centred, or even "evil" person who could simply say and do things that hurt and de-stabilized me so much, and then leave and never look back (she even probably thinks its "my fault" in her mind, who knows).

However, this is what she did. I experienced this as monstrously inhuman, even if it makes sense in terms of BPD people having "scripts" inside their mind of how the outside world is supposed to work, and then departing once these scripts collapse or challenge them beyond their capacities. I assumed that I had intrinsic value to her and her behaviour revealed that, really, I was on my own, and rather like an object to her that, when it has stopped being useful, interesting, or somehow "fitting" to her, can simply be discarded without any explanation or remorse. I honestly hope that she suffered a lot of shame and regret after she stopped being BPD triggered around this because it would at least show that she was human.

For me, the reason it hurt so much was that I believed I was living in one shared reality with someone else, and then her actions betrayed another reality which I could never have anticipated or prepared for. That does a real number on your brain and it takes a long time for these "two realities" to coincide again. I'm not sure I've even now fully reached the point where I can accept I only was, and will probably only ever be, an object for somebody else, not a person with intrinsic value (I am 6 months out). I still wish that I could be a person of intrinsic value, because the alternative is so hard to accept (but I'm trying)

The fact that I know (now) that she has BPD (she never told me this), and that therefore she was acting out of pure survival instincts and may perceive reality totally different to me, doesn't really help me to recover from these losses and what i'm calling a betrayal of trust. My ex, at least, probably lacked a "fundamental trust" in the goodness of others, which for me was never a problem, and which I therefore didn't imagine somebody else could lack so completely.

It felt like somebody, without reason or antecedent, suddenly removing all the stable     ground from under my feet I felt we had both "shared" and "built up" over 9 months. And somehow being completely okay with that, and not doing anything over the next 2 months to want to repair or recover it. That is just immensely destructive to somebody for whom feelings are stable and cannot shift at whim.

BPD in Romantic relationships or where you're the "one" who they will play out their abandonment traumas with is just a horrible, horrible experience. That is why I, at least, found it so painful. I don't think I was carrying around an abandonment trauma, I think she created one in me, but I also agree with grumpydonut in the sense that their behaviours "triggers" the worst or most "worthless feeling" parts of us which usually, the strong parts of us would be able to keep in check or soothe.

The schema that grumpy donut outlines is generally true and i agree with it. But I honestly also felt uncomfortable with things she said or did to me in the "love bombing" phase.. it felt like too much. I don't think I was some sort of blind participant in all of that. I just didn't realize this meant I had to protect myself from someone who can be emotionally predatory, and my ex's BPD only slowly manifested over time in obvious ways.

What I'm trying to say is : I really feel victimized by an illness. I think it's okay, in a non-PD relationship, to feel buoyed up and adored (and to adore) somebody else in the beginning. It's the honeymoon phase, and we all mirror in this state to some extent. I just could never have successfully navigated the following stage, the power struggle stage, without knowing that she had an illness and learning about all the tools to deal with it. It's in that sense that I feel victimized... I could never have anticipated her behaviour, she really does have an illness or disorder where the "normal rules" don't apply, and I was prepared to deal with any "normal spectrum" behaviour but not with the annilihation brought out by the raging stage of BPD.

Being abandoned by anybody suddenly is super tough and I agree with the other poster that it's like grieving a death. Without the BPD, that would never have been the case... it's just a break up where two people speak normally, say goodbye, and so on.

I've written this long reply because I'm trying to push the responsibility for the traumatic nature of the exchange onto the pwBPD, or at least my ex, as I can't speak for the rest of you. I don't believe I was "trauma bonded" to someone, although the push/pull nature certainly made me like a rat in a maze going back to the place of exact stress because it's safer (It's just incredibly heartbreaking that this is true for us humans).

But you know, my therapist also said something to me: People who get into relationships where they have "common" traumas or similar experiences or whatever from the past can also make it work out, instead of being re-traumatized by the exact same situation. I was definitely strong enough to do that, and had done the work. I thought she was, and then slowly she wasn't. And then, out of the blue, due to this damned illness, everything changed in 1-2 weeks and she left forever. I don't think there's any way to make sense of that except as an incredibly hurtful thing for one person to do to another. The feeling that you just suddenly "don't matter" is really cutting.

I also think that - and this depends upon age, but mine was 30 and I am 90% sure had a diagnosis and past therapy already - that the person with BPD is wholly responsible for themselves. How the hell is a relationship supposed to work out otherwise? I mean, let's say I have diabetes, or a disability (actually, I have a disability, and I told her about it).. I don't hide it from someone. It's part of being with me. And of course there is sympathy and stigma around personality disorders, they should really find a better name for them. But without that willingness from her side to be an adult and say "hey, I have this thing, it means so and so, and here are some good resources for you", all that happened is that what I thought was a relationship with someone else I admired and respected turned out to follow an eminently predictable pattern outlined 100% on these websites and in BPD books. That sucks, and it's why I feel victimized.

Okay, sorry for my long post, I hope it's beneficial to somebody else :=)

[rob66]

"Throughout devaluation, their behaviour becomes more irrational and features mixed messaging. They love us, but can't be with us right now due to a) b) c). We try harder and harder, until we are ruthlessly devalued and, often, replaced."

Grumpy Donut, the mixed messaging is exactly what happened between my ex and me. Out of the blue, she expressed that she was having second thoughts about us, and when I asked why, she gave the most irrational reasons - which occurred over the course of Friday - Sunday: I should have gone over her house on a Friday night, rather than go to a concert (I went to her house after the concert); I should not have spent the day with my daughter on Saturday (even though I invited my ex to hang out with us, which she did, then went back to her house after the day); She couldn't understand why I left so early on a Sunday morning to wash my truck (I told her the night before that this is what I was going to do). Her last words to me before she broke up over the phone were, "I love you," and then she hung up, ghosted me, and we have not talked since. I tried a few times to reach out, but stopped. I never went to her home after the break up, even though we both live in L.A.

Grumpy, most, if not all of what you wrote, matches with my experience with my ex. Again, she had an incredibly traumatic childhood filled with neglect (both parents), suicide (mother), developmental disabilities (father) and schizophrenia (brother), heroine addiction (her, and her ex-husband who died of an overdose) 

In all fairness, I should say that she was opening herself up to me and expressing to me how irrational she can be at times; how certain paranoias grip her out of nowhere (strange paranoias). She was admitting a lot to me. I believe that she was trying to communicate to me her condition without actually giving it a name. We are both in our 50s, and even though she had stopped participating in her own therapy (she is a therapist herself), she seemed to be trying to admit many things to me in hopes that I could be the support she needed. I sometimes entertain the idea of reaching out to her and telling her that I still love her and would want to support her if we got back together, but this is not in my best interest. The love was so ideal, and intense, that it is like quitting a substance cold turkey, I imagine.

Poppy, I also agree with you that had I known what her condition actually was, I may have been able to support her. I learned after that this is what she had from researching - what I read was spot on, all of it, although I'm not sure if she was actually diagnosed. I also feel victimized by an illness.

The last few days of posts have been remarkable in helping to give me insight. Thank you all for taking the time. None of your posts were too long.

[Calli]

Might be an unpopular hypothesis, and there really isn't black-and-white answer due to differing circumstances, but my opinion is this:

Many of us were drawn to people with BPD because they filled a void that was created throughout childhood. They love bombed us, which boosted our self esteem and showed us that we actually matter and are important. This wasn't something we were taught in childhood - perhaps due to emotional neglect, abuse, etc.

Then, suddenly, the "unconditional" love from our BPD partner was withdrawn. This brings familiar feelings of unworthiness, thus we begin to pour more and more into the relationship in order to return to the love bombing stage - and subconsciously undo our childhood schemas of "I'm not enough".

Additionally, our partner's condition leads to intermittent reinforcement schedules. Our relationship has become mostly abusive, but there are small and unpredictable periods where it goes back to how it once was, thus we become addicted. It's the same type of reinforcement used by gambling companies to addict their customers. Why? Because it's effective.

Throughout devaluation, their behaviour becomes more irrational and features mixed messaging. They love us, but can't be with us right now due to a) b) c). We try harder and harder, until we are ruthlessly devalued and, often, replaced.

What now? Our childhood script has been reinforced. We truly aren't enough, we believe. Maybe we don't deserve love. As such, we are left to deal with feelings of worthlessness and helplessness while simultaneously dealing with withdrawal-type symptoms. And...doesn't it feel familiar?

If there's a devil, it would be the perfect plan to emotionally destroy a human being. Give them what they've always craved, then take it away without any explanation to reinforce the destructive beliefs that are deeply rooted in their subconscious. Give them no opportunity to escape, give them no closure regarding why they were devalued. Allow them to come to the conclusion that they are simply not enough.

Anyway, my thoughts from a psychodynamic (and probably developmental) perspective.

Note: This does not apply to all. But, I'm confident that this applies to a significant proportion of us.

Absolutely this by grumpydonut.  He described the cycle well - the feelings.  It’s not the exact same for me in terms of events and specifics,  nor is it identical for everyone here - but this describes well the feelings. The rollercoaster.  The intermittent reinforcement, the callous discard.  Thanks for putting it out there - seeing it summarized is almost cathartic, don’t know why?  Maybe because it’s formulaic and that’s coldly comforting to my cynical side? 

[poppy2]

Poppy, I also agree with you that had I known what her condition actually was, I may have been able to support her. I learned after that this is what she had from researching - what I read was spot on, all of it, although I'm not sure if she was actually diagnosed. I also feel victimized by an illness.

In your case it's strange, because your ex was a therapist and 50 years old (I read the BPD symptoms can lessen over time, if over time they learn the regulation other ppl learnt as children). So is it safe to guess she knew? and also safe to say she didn't tell you, in the sense of giving you a choice? That is what rankles with me, the lack of a choice.

I get you with dropping hints. I felt like my ex focused on strengthening behaviours only bpd people would really focus on... And, most likely, if she had been honest with me, and if I had really read up on BPD and caretaking it would have been a huge shock. I don't know if I automatically would have accepted it, I mean the compassionate part of me would have, but the part of me that reads things like 'you can't have a mutual relationship with them, you will have to accept yourself as the caretaker, which is a big responsibility' (from Fjelstad's book Stop Caretaking) or things like 'they will always try and take advantage they can't help it and you need extra strong boundaries' would have been really shocking. But I think the difference here is that, once things got serious, I would have had a choice in the matter, and her giving me that choice would have at least increased my respect for her a great deal.

Instead I was so wrecked I had to go searching for answers and just stumbled on this website and everything clicked. And I can also, somehow, understand them - why would they tell us? apart from the stigma, it would 'ruin' the favourite person journey for them - noone to idealize, and therefore also noone to eventually control, rage upon, or work out some unconscious trauma issues on. I think they would really have to be in serious treatment for years to be able to admit this whole pattern (which we only see from the outside, and therefore much clearer than them) is disordered and actually wrong.

And re: the push pull. They test us. I've also read people with BPD who admit this, who are conscious of it. Do you love me enough to (fill in blank here). And of course eventually, we dont love them enough, or can't continue to accept it, once everything escalates to such a point. And of course, after that, the internalized' victim of love' narrative they carry is re-confirmed by the breakdown of the push pull, because we don't love them enough to (fill in blank here). This is the tragedy... but sadly only a tragedy they can ever pull themselves out of,or some deeply committed caregiver or family member can help them with.

[Goosey]

Why are we so hurt? 
  Ugh I just typed why I was so hurt. All of it.
  And deleted.
   Don’t want to relive it anymore.
   The hurt gets less. The urge to have them back gets less.
  The glimmer of hope I’ll make it back to living becomes more possible.
   F em.
   Won’t get fooled again.
   So….I read it a thousand times over the years on this forum, “it’s gets better”. I used to read that through tears and desperation and total loss.
   And now I can say if really does get better. I got no exciting new life to report, just I am better. And I am grateful to this forum and so many of you for helping me me get here.
   

[Goosey]

We didn’t deserve it. We spent our lives putting out the fires they ignited while being bashed as unworthy and worse. Then they change into a pile of pleading for help mush and we reach in to rescue and they rise up and bash us again.
   Ugh. Sorry.
   I guess we hold on so much for so long because we love them and worry about them. But they are amazingly resilient!
   But so are we, just takes much longer to get grounded again.
 

[grumpydonut]

Glad the thoughts from my over-analytical brain could help some of you!

[Erfanovich]

Might be an unpopular hypothesis, and there really isn't black-and-white answer due to differing circumstances, but my opinion is this:

Many of us were drawn to people with BPD because they filled a void that was created throughout childhood. They love bombed us, which boosted our self esteem and showed us that we actually matter and are important. This wasn't something we were taught in childhood - perhaps due to emotional neglect, abuse, etc.

Then, suddenly, the "unconditional" love from our BPD partner was withdrawn. This brings familiar feelings of unworthiness, thus we begin to pour more and more into the relationship in order to return to the love bombing stage - and subconsciously undo our childhood schemas of "I'm not enough".

Additionally, our partner's condition leads to intermittent reinforcement schedules. Our relationship has become mostly abusive, but there are small and unpredictable periods where it goes back to how it once was, thus we become addicted. It's the same type of reinforcement used by gambling companies to addict their customers. Why? Because it's effective.

Throughout devaluation, their behaviour becomes more irrational and features mixed messaging. They love us, but can't be with us right now due to a) b) c). We try harder and harder, until we are ruthlessly devalued and, often, replaced.

What now? Our childhood script has been reinforced. We truly aren't enough, we believe. Maybe we don't deserve love. As such, we are left to deal with feelings of worthlessness and helplessness while simultaneously dealing with withdrawal-type symptoms. And...doesn't it feel familiar?

If there's a devil, it would be the perfect plan to emotionally destroy a human being. Give them what they've always craved, then take it away without any explanation to reinforce the destructive beliefs that are deeply rooted in their subconscious. Give them no opportunity to escape, give them no closure regarding why they were devalued. Allow them to come to the conclusion that they are simply not enough.

Anyway, my thoughts from a psychodynamic (and probably developmental) perspective.

Note: This does not apply to all. But, I'm confident that this applies to a significant proportion of us.

Grumpydonut is spot on with this hypotheses. After a few months no contact with my exBPD and some help of my therapist I see what happened and what's going on. I knew my lack of love in youth and always thought that giving love was my best characteristic. Could live with it, untill the BPD came into my life. I was the Prince, her soulmate and the best man ever. I walked on clouds and I felt like I was the best ever! This is what I always wanted, and she was a princess. She was pretty, very pretty, everywhere I came I was pride to walk next to her. But something was going on, her exes were bastards, there were some other guys giving her attention but I was the one she said. This men never left in het social media altough she said they were nothing and even annoying.  Rages came, I always had to explain things I did, sometimes weeks after the occassion, I gave me hours, sometimes days to analize what I did wrong. Couldn't see the picture and apologized for it. all the time. I was the worst man ever, minutes later I was her prince again. I realized I ignored some red flags but I was programmed to stick with her. I couldn't do anaything without her, but she was fooling around with other men. At some point she was openly seeing other men but when her agenda was empty I was her prince again. It hurt me like a knive in my heart, everytime she did it. I  discussed the ongoing situation, but she was able to blame me for doing it. When I finally broke up I was messed up, thinking about her all the time, could in fact nothing without her, and even could not choose the color of my socks in the morning without asking her in my head. The next day I broke up with her, very emotionally, she went away with someone else, and never heard of her again.

Accepting this behaviour is what hurts me the most, and I discovered the trauma band, pattern en dynamics in this relationship. How on earth could I accept her to treat me like this? My therapist helped me a lot to understand it was a part of me which my ex hit met the most. Went back to my youth and indead, behaviour of lack of attention, emotional bonding with my parents and  brother who was always better then me. I learned to overcompensate in giving love and attention without keeping my own boundaries and destroyed my self esteem.

When she felt happy about me, I was Happy, when she did not feel happy about me, I felt not happy about me. I think the most of us have the same characteristics. Thats what's wrong!

Call me codependent, but now I am learning to set my own boundaries, improving my self esteem and but also that giving love unconditionally to her is the best I could do. At the end, there was nothing I could do to save 'us'. SHe has a place in my heart forever but I can't save her. I am determined to heal my traumabond, my self esteem and building a Erfanovich 2.0. Thats what I learned the hard way, and maybe the most of us should do also.

[ILMBPDC]

Many of us were drawn to people with BPD because they filled a void that was created throughout childhood. They love bombed us, which boosted our self esteem and showed us that we actually matter and are important. This wasn't something we were taught in childhood - perhaps due to emotional neglect, abuse, etc.

Then, suddenly, the "unconditional" love from our BPD partner was withdrawn. This brings familiar feelings of unworthiness, thus we begin to pour more and more into the relationship in order to return to the love bombing stage - and subconsciously undo our childhood schemas of "I'm not enough".

For me, this is it, 100%. I have some major abandonment/self-worth issues from childhood, coupled with some pretty awful adult relationships ("I'm not enough" could be my life theme)...he was the first man that showed interest in literally a decade, the first man to make me feel worthy and attractive in a very long time...he was so interested in me, my life, we had so much in common, it seemed like I had found my "soulmate" (which I didn't even believe in!).  I could actually envision a future with him, something I hadn't experienced in many, many years. Plus the opiate-like high from the love-bombing... Having all that torn away so abruptly, with no warning, was one of the worse experiences of my life and threw me into a major downward spiral.

I've been reading these boards for months and it seems like the vast majority of us have some emotional trauma from the past that was stirred up by our BPD, be it from childhood or another relationship (in my case, both). Many of us were hurt before we ever met them and were willing to overlook the early red flags because the love bombing made us feel good for once. Or we have a tendency toward codependency and BPDs love that. Or all of the above. 

[rob66]

ILM,

My trauma growing up was the violence I experienced. I grew up in a very rough neighborhood and had to fight with my fists to make it out - I was a jock and ended up playing football in college. As well as the experience I experienced on the streets, I was beat savagely by my father, and by my older brother, as well. When I was in my late teens, I was jumped by a gang and ended up in the hospital for a week with every bone in my face shattered. I just started trying to see a therapist, but it hasn't gone too well - still trying to match up with the right one. For me, my issues were about carrying around all this physical trauma, and feeling to this day that I always have to be ready to defend myself - it's a major burden. The thing I absolutely loved about my relationship with my ex was that for the first time I was able to let my guard down, totally down, and for the first time ever I was able to be completely vulnerable - love wants no defense. And completely vulnerable I was through our almost year-long relationship until I got dumped. With no defense at the ready, it was the worst beating I have ever experienced in my life. I'm getting better, though, day by day. Each day I think a little less about her. Each day, the memories of her become fossilized by thoughts of other things I enjoy, like being in the mountains, where I spend a lot of my time. I'm passed the abject trauma, depression, and deep melancholy. Now, all that's left is a manageable sadness that I know will dissolve eventually.

I'm sorry about your experience, ILM. I also did not have a girlfriend for many years because I was busy raising my daughter whom I had to drop off at college merely two weeks after breaking up with my gf. So, talk about getting pummeled... all my best to you. Stay strong, you will find love again. We all do.

[Ad Meliora]

Why are we so hurt?

We dated someone with BPD,
They can detach from reality,
you see,
they only have an Etch-A-Sketch memory,
and shake you off...
to roll on Scott-Free.

The only ones hurt...
You and me.

[ILMBPDC]

My trauma growing up was the violence I experienced. I grew up in a very rough neighborhood and had to fight with my fists to make it out - I was a jock and ended up playing football in college. As well as the experience I experienced on the streets, I was beat savagely by my father, and by my older brother, as well. When I was in my late teens, I was jumped by a gang and ended up in the hospital for a week with every bone in my face shattered. I just started trying to see a therapist, but it hasn't gone too well - still trying to match up with the right one. For me, my issues were about carrying around all this physical trauma, and feeling to this day that I always have to be ready to defend myself - it's a major burden. The thing I absolutely loved about my relationship with my ex was that for the first time I was able to let my guard down, totally down, and for the first time ever I was able to be completely vulnerable - love wants no defense. And completely vulnerable I was through our almost year-long relationship until I got dumped. With no defense at the ready, it was the worst beating I have ever experienced in my life.

I'm sorry about your childhood, that sounds so tough. Not only growing up in a rough place, but not having the sanctuary at home either.
I understand about feeling like you can let your guard down and be completely vulnerable and then having it all ripped away. It makes you feel so raw.

I'm getting better, though, day by day. Each day I think a little less about her. Each day, the memories of her become fossilized by thoughts of other things I enjoy, like being in the mountains, where I spend a lot of my time. I'm passed the abject trauma, depression, and deep melancholy. Now, all that's left is a manageable sadness that I know will dissolve eventually.

I'm glad to hear about your progress. Time does truly heal. I am 13 weeks out (tomorrow) from my final discard and am in a much, much better place - thanks in no small part to this board. Most of my pain isn't even about Mr BPD anymore, its about all the other cr@p in my past but every once in awhile he pops up in my brain. A memory will surface and I wish it would have played out differently.  I have to keep reminding myself that it would have always ended the same, even if I somehow convinced him top stay, he is incapable of a true lasting relationship. And I am glad I got out sooner rather than later.  I, too, know that it will all dissolve eventually. It just takes time.

I'm sorry about your experience, ILM. I also did not have a girlfriend for many years because I was busy raising my daughter whom I had to drop off at college merely two weeks after breaking up with my gf. So, talk about getting pummeled... all my best to you.

Congrats on raising your daughter and getting her off to college!  I know that letting her go shortly after losing your GF had to be awful but you seem like you have a great head on your shoulders and are healing well. I am proud of you for that.

Stay strong, you will find love again. We all do.

Well... this I could argue with you about, but I won't, at least not right now . 

[Tessarae]

Because we love.

I hope to eventually find a therapist to help me gain greater insight into what this relationship reveals about me, but to be honest- I almost feel it’s going to take a relationship with someone w/out BPD (if I am ever so gifted again at this later stage of life) to provide this opportunity.

In my marriage with a likely BPD, I never had the safety or sanity to really explore my patterns with someone who could be vulnerable, emotionally intelligent and intimate. I was too busy feeling the SHOCK (how could you SAY that about me?), defense (I am not ….fill in the blank) and the aftermath (grief, anger, withdrawal, then the sick but effective tenderness and ‘love’ that would return).

I have tremendous compassion for all who experienced childhood trauma or didn’t get what every child deserves. But to speak for a segment who did- I don’t think I sought this troubled man. I think just fell in love and had no idea why my thoughtful, deeply loving partner could get so upset at times. He was never emotionally abusive in those early years.

Then add to the formula all the reasons to stay. Divorce is devastating on children. I am his Target. He was a very good father. ‘Most of the time’  he was a loving, romantic and supportive partner (my Dr Jekyll). He got worse…much worse…over time.

Then add the lack of awareness or support from mental health professionals. To me this one is where I feel most distraught. FIVE couples therapists over two decades and not one compassionately but clearly called out my husbands behavior as a possible illness. He would present so reasonable  and sane. I was once called too “lawyerly” by a therapist as I tried to bring in an audio recording of our interactions. I was told I was too ‘ ‘focused on my husband’ rather than my self when I would plead - these are NOT normal responses. I needed just one to VALIDATE my experience but instead was sent home with worksheets on ‘feelings words’.

So…I don’t think I have a codependent personality. I came into the marriage I believe relatively healthy, but then the crazy takes hold. The pain and shock were so searing that I must have become addicted to the relief brought by the return of the loving husband. Lots to unpack I’m sure as to why I didn’t leave sooner (took 20 years and 4 months) but I believe there are many, MANY  non-pathological reasons why we stay.

Chiefly-because we can and did LOVE. And in that lies our strength and health.

[Cromwell]

Rob66

A feeling of betrayal can have indescribably painful effects. I also have a similar background to relate to, then chose to trust with a rare moment of, maybe in hindsight reckless carefreeness. Dealing with the betrayal feeling is the most longest lingering, there is alot in the psychology literature about the effects of betrayal.

It is possible to recover from, i also believe with a change of environment plus therapy its able to heal and change from the affects of earlier trauma in life. It takes time and work but it is achievable.

Im curious how you might relate to her behaviours and if you share a sense of betrayal?

Best,

[Upandown]

From an online article from a mental health guy that was in a relationship with a woman who had some symptoms of bpd:

They have no true or real consistent depth of emotional experience that provides them with an emotional temporal inner story with either themselves or others. Their own inner experience of themselves falls through them in much the same way that their experience of others does. Because they are lacking a core self at the helm of their own experience there comes a point when you realize that there is no consensual narrative or consensual reality.

They are in a sense lacking in a personal story when it comes to emotional relating, bonding, attachment, and intimacy. We as their partners believed of course that we were living a narrative with them. What we did not comprehend is that everything we shared with them (or thought we shared), no matter how significant has absolutely no currency with them whatsoever. The past seems to somehow miraculously disappear, along with their declared feelings for us, and commitments to us, all in the blink of an eye.

In the end, we come to realize that any feelings they said they had for us were nothing more than a primitive expression of emotion designed to have whatever needs they wanted us to meet in that precise here and now moment. Once they are done with us and moved on, they can delete us as though the past never happened and we never existed.

[valet]

You know what I realized today, just shy of 7 years since my failed relationship? It hurts so bad because we don’t understand. We put all this effort into knowing, into trying to view these things in a rational way…. but sometimes people aren’t rational, and certain people aren’t rational more than others, and that’s just the way it is because it is who they are.

We want to understand, but only through our own lens. We try to put a square peg through a round hole over and over again in hopes of attaining some kind of certainty. Its funny, really. Cause this is the exact behavior that fed the fire that whole time.

Not knowing is hard. And learning how to not know is even harder. Then one day you realize (or maybe some people don’t in fact realize), that you just can’t know certain people. They will always be a mystery to everyone, even themselves.

Trying so hard to get why things were the way they were isn’t a means to an end. It’s better or focus on the big picture, to learn to trust your gut, to notice the signals that your body sends to you and to act on them in a reasonable way.

I hate maxims like “let it go” because I think a certain amount of trial and error needs to be undertaken. At the end of the day, however, we don’t need to be scientists that understand every single facet of a person to know that they aren’t good for us, and heck, they might not be good for anybody.

Hope that helps.