First time post - Learning to let go of him and heal myself

[Leftandlost]

Apology - Long post

I came home from a biz trip during which my spouse had gotten a huge tatoo, abused drugs, and cheated on me. Before I knew any of that, he informed me that he was moving overseas and adopting a child and that I could follow him on the journey or we were done. I have a geographically specific job and am of an age when I felt I did not want children )(which I told him before our wedding, during pre-wedding counseling and to which he agreed). 2.5 years later, we are one year divorced. He did move overseas for 6 weeks before COVID sent him packing to his natal home. This was the second time that he left me, 4 years into the marriage. Of course 6 months after the marriage he changed dramatically. He also has MS so I blamed everything on that. We did counseling. He did counseling. I did counseling. His counselor called me in because my ex told him nothing. We moved to another state in 2013 for my work and he was excited about it. This was a make or break point but he did the work and we stayed together. But things never got better. I was scared to go home. It was walking on eggshells. I made myself so small so as not to be a thorn in his world. I gave up friends, family, even a lot of my own interests. We did travel together very well. He had been depressed and we went on vacation to Scotland where he acted almost, manic in his joy. 8 months later I learned that he had been interviewing for jobs there and working on his visa. I could never have him come to dinner with my friends because he would blow up if he didn't understand the conversation or he would turn it and make it all about him. I just went along> but after 9 years, he left. I had to sell our house which I could not afford on my nonprofit salary. And I had to sort the goods and all, because he was off living his adventure. We started and stopped the divorce process many times trying to reconcile or figure things out. He was my first relationship and I came out when we got together. I guess we all know why I fell so hard for him. He's been in his new position, about 1000 miles away for a year now. It's the longest he ever held a job (he was blackballed from working in the city in which I still live and for a time he worked 2 hours away, and came home on weekends--that worked well). I don't know if he intends to hurt me, or to manipulate me. I don't know if he's trying to draw me back in. I have maintained my job. I am entertaining people at home again (though tough in a pandemic). I have bought a condo (with the settlement in the divorce so he could avoid alimony which he said I wouldn't ask for if I really loved him. He was beyond cruel through the whole thing). Divorce took 1.5 year even though at our final couples counseling meeting he stormed out in the middle, walked back in and handed me divorce papers and walked back out. Now, we only converse in text. I still talk to his family occasionally. About 3 weeks ago he gave me the same story, leaving me was his biggest mistake, he loves me, he wants to be with me, etc. ,etc. How do we move forward. I responded "You move forward. I move forward. But there's no we moving forward. I'm hoping for a friendship." He wrote back a very mature and reasonable response thanking me for telling him what I wanted (I guess I had been wishywashy hoping he would do the work (says he's been seeing therapists and I can see the bills if I want, but who know sit's true or not--he has lied since our very first date). Of course five minutes after the reasonable text I get, "I could carry a torch for you forever". The odd part is that it's exactly what his dad did to his mom (even though they;ve been divorced for 35 years, and each remarried and lost that spouse). So last week I see on FB that he is traveling to Europe for a trip that we had once planned. I immediately wondered, who is he going with. He had an odd stopover that did not make sense. Well, the pictures of his new boyfriend hanging all over him were the answer--and the stopover. They just met online apparently. The other night he texts me asking how I was. I said "fine". He said it was his last night there and he was having dinner. I asked "How's the boyfriend." He said "very good and he says hi. But it's nothing serious and we won't be long term becaue he's not into long term relationships." He's texting his ex about "it's not serious" while having dinner with the current boyfriend? Seriously? I've been in a spin since then. I don't want him back. Traveling we did well, but I can finally come home and not be afraid about what he has done or what he will blame for or that I have to walk on eggshells. Home can be peaceful and it's mine. And this time, he can't take home away from me. And my life doesn't change at all, I still do that same thing tomorrow that I was going to do before whatever he pulled. But that note. Is it to make me jealous? To lure me back in? Or is he just cruel? My friends are pretty much over hearing about anything with him. And said I had to expect he would find someone else and he is wealthy so can afford to run off to Europe. Did he have these plans in mind when he ask about our plan forward and basically wanted permission to be with someone else? Or did he really meet someone and plan a long European trip in 2 weeks time? I even got a text message tonight letting me know that he was home (I've ignored that one). And he's looking to take a new job in my city again, which I definitely do not want.

In the meantime. I realized that I don't want him back in my life, but that I am angry and I want him to suffer. Why does he get to flourish and have adventure and love, and I don't. I live in a pandemic and I am alone (family lives 1500 miles away). A friend said "He's not happy; he has to live with himself and this is all superficial". I have unfollowed him on social media. And I unfriended his family (turns out his sister was telling about the allegeldly private conversations that she and I had had". Yes, it's really hard in a pandemic (I live in a place that takes it very seriously and in my job I take it seriously as well). I've tried dating apps and hook ups. I feel like a need to compete with him to find someone else first (guess I lost that one). I know this is all crazy and the stories from our marriage are not believable, though true. I kept a journal from when he leaving me (which took 4 months) and the pain and heartache and his actions were just cruel--was it deliberate or did he not know better. I seem to have this need to understand what has happened and him. To have rational understanding, but that's expecting too much. And I won't know all of the lies. There's no way. The only left is to block his number (though I read on here that doesn't always work) and I have a box in storage without marriage memorabilia--pictures, champagne bottle from the wedding). I will throw those out. I think I need to. From what I read here, the anger is actually good and this shows I'm working through the stages. And I kept saying it's not him, it's his diseases (MS and BPD). But there's not really separating them all out. I have to a) acknowledge that the fantasy that he will get better and we will reconnect is unrealistic and I need to let it go; (b ) figure out how not to give him as much space and control over my life as I have apparently allowed it; (c) accept that I will never know and understand why and how he did everything that he did. I will never the truth; (d) how do I move on and potentially have a health relationship or just be happy being with myself.

I apologize for the length. Just needed to get it out. Thanks.

[Ad Meliora]

We did counseling. He did counseling. I did counseling. His counselor called me in because my ex told him nothing.

Hi Leftandlost.  Welcome to the forum.  Sounds like the left & lost portions should have exponents in the superscript as you pointed to repeated patterns of this in your post.  You've definitely been through the wringer.  In the counseling you mentioned did his (or your) counselor ever arrive at a BPD diagnosis?  It sure seems to fit the profile even if not.  Or did they have any other explanations for the behaviors?

(d) how do I move on and potentially have a health relationship or just be happy being with myself.

Part (d) is the tricky part.  It's what a lot of people are trying to do even if dealing with a partner with BPD isn't at the root of that desire.

[Deep Blue]

Hello Leftandlost,

I am so sorry for the ridiculous roller coaster you’ve had to go through. In order to move on from someone with BPD, you have to do 4 things.

1. Go full no contact.

This means blocking on social media, deleting/getting rid of pictures of your BPDex, blocking his phone number. Make it impossible for him to be able to contact you. You must remove him from your life in every sense of the word.

2. Go to therapy with a therapist who is well versed with BPD.

Do some form of one on one therapy whether it’s in person or online. Try to find someone who specializes or is well versed in BPD and it’s effects on the parties involved.

3. Go to coda.org and work the 12 steps.

By virtue of being and staying with a BPD individual for so long, you have had to bend over backwards and thus have some degree of codependency. Go to coda meetings either online or in person and work the 12 steps with a sponsor.

4. Practice daily meditation/spiritual practice.

Ground yourself in the here and now and connect with your soul and your identity. Some form of daily self love and mindfulness. This will help in building yourself back up from the trauma.


BPD is a personality DISORDER. It is a mental illness. BPD’s are not rational beings. The sooner we understand this, the better our healing goes. Educating yourself on the illness is important, but be careful not to use it as a way to avoid doing the 4 things. I wish you the best.

Deep Blue

[Leftandlost]

You've definitely been through the wringer.  In the counseling you mentioned did his (or your) counselor ever arrive at a BPD diagnosis?  It sure seems to fit the profile even if not. 

Yes, my 1-on-1 therapist suggested he may have BPD. I read a lot about it and it really did fit incredibly well. We went through the idea of bipolar and schizophrenia as well. The ex "claims" that his therapist did a review and that he did not have any of these issues except for depression. Though there are some therapists that believe you should never reveal a diagnosis of BPD to the patient. The one time his 1-on-1 therapist invited to a session, he said that my ex never shared anything, even after months. It does seem like a textbook case. And thank you for just acknowleding that what I went through is "the wringer". This was my first and so far only relationship so I don't have a concept of what is normal, despite being a highly educated, professional.

[Leftandlost]

I am so sorry for the ridiculous roller coaster you’ve had to go through. In order to move on from someone with BPD, you have to do 4 things.

Thank you for your post. I'm a freethinker atheist so anything that has language of religion or spirituality makes me run the other direction. I looked at the coda website (thanks for the reference). There's a little too much god-language in there for me. I agree with Marx that religion is an opiate. But I appreciate the reference. Thank you for reading and engaging.