An overwhelming sense of guilt that I cannot shake after losing a quiet bpd

[followtherock]

Hello users of this forum. Let me start off by thanking you for sharing your stories. They have helped me more than words can possibly describe. Thank you all.

I'm just coming out of a 1.5 year and a half relationship with someone i'll call "mack". Mack is a very self aware quiet borderline. While she had anger issues, they were never directed at me. I actually communicated with mack about 4 years ago now and I mistakenly spelt her name wrong - which is why she never responded. A 1.5 year ago, I decided to send her another message. We talked through social media for awhile until we had finally decided to get together at a coffee shop.

What I thought would be a quick 30 minute talk turned into hours of conversation - it felt like there was an instant connection between us. I gave her a kiss that night and we continued our communication through text. Every now and then i'd be in her area and we'd have a brief conversation, but things didn't really take off until randomly, one day, she invited me to her apartment. From then on, we began to get really close.

There were red flags in the beginning. I thought that things were moving a little too fast. I  met her mother within weeks of spending time with her, she had scars of cuts on her arms, she wanted to be exclusive incredibly quickly, and told me how all of the guys she had dated were terrible, but I ignored all of that. I figured that I could be the great man that she needed.

As the relationship progressed I had noticed other things. She seemed to have trouble maintaining employment(which I mostly attributed to the tumultuous time period we were are in with covid 19), her relationship with her father was terrible, frequent changes in hair colour, issues with personal hygiene at times, and with some of her friends and her roommate, she could go from really liking the person, to speaking incredibly negatively about them. Still, my relationship with mack was mostly awesome.

She would always want me around her - I spent months or weeks at her apartment at times. She would send an overwhelming amount of texts, snapchats, ig stories you name it... and she'd say I love you more times than you could imagine. Like most relationships, we had issues as well. I want to make it clear that I am certainly not faultless - when I would get upset or angry about something and didn't think I could communicate it appropriately, i'd want to leave her apartment(which now looking in hindsight could have triggered feelings of abandonment) she would be VERY upset by this and at the time I never understood why. Aside from all this, our relationship seemed to be going on fairly strong.

Fast forward to about three months ago, we had some issues and I had told her at that point that I did not know if I wanted to continue the relationship. We both agreed to space, and within two days she had called me to come by so that we could talk about the things that were bothering us. It was a calm, clear, discussion and I had thought that we had ironed out everything. From that point until last month, things seemed like they were going smoothly. I wasn't spending nearly as much time at her apartment, but every time we got together things felt good.

September is when things took a very ugly turn. I remember the Wednesday that I had gone over to her apartment for dinner like many times before. She had told me that she and her friend "S" were no longer friends anymore after a fight. I tried to console her - tell her that everything was going to be okay, but something was really off that night. It was the first night in our relationship that she never asked or cared that I stayed over. While this may seem trivial, I thought it was really abnormal for her.

From that Wednesday to the weekend I had heard nothing from her. The texts, snapchats, and ig stories all ceased so after a couple of days I sent her a message asking her if she was okay to which she replied yes to. Knowing mack fairly well, I decided to check her facebook wall to see if she was posting anything out of character and that didn't seem to be the case. Another two days goes by and I don't hear anything from her, so I decide to set up a date which she agreed to. I noticed that her texting pattern had changed - it was more direct and to the point. The next day I had decided to check her facebook wall again and this is where my whole world started to fall apart. She had changed her facebook status from "in a relationship" to "single". At this point I started to panic. I realized that there was something wrong and that little voice in my head that was screaming danger - was screaming even louder.

I went over that night to her apartment with the intention of seeing how mack would behave around me, and not surprisingly she was a completely different person. She was cold and distant, on her couch with her eyes glued on her phone. After a little while, I had confronted her about the fb status. I said that we're both adults and wanted to know if there was something she wanted to tell me. She told me that she had changed it 3 months ago when we had our argument and that she was having serious issues with her mental health. She told me that she had BPD(which i knew nothing about at the time). I now realized that mack had the capability of lying to me. I spent most of the night with her, but when we were going to bed I noticed that she was behaving in a manner that she never had in the last 1.5 years I had been with her. In an overwhelming sense of emotion, I told her that I thought I should go home because something didn't feel right, and I had mentioned that I thought there may have been another man involved which she scoffed at.

When I calmed down, I tried to sit her down and talk about what had happened and how her sudden change in behaviour had caused me to question things, but she was checked out. She couldn't look me in the eye, she was crying, and just said she was tired. I left her apartment that night.

I reached out a few days later to tell her that i'd give her the space she needed, but that the line of communication was open. She told me that she needed to figure out what was going on in her head. I started reflecting on the last conversation I had with her and realized that I simply did not know enough about her conditon BPD. Down the rabbit hole I went... My jaw dropped; reading about BPD was like reading my own relationship with mack. While I read about BPD I became increasingly worried that she may interpret the "space" I was giving her as abandoment, so I reached out again to tell her that I would always be there to help and support her, and that she'd be loved and appreciated.

I then went into a downward spiral - questioning whether or not the relationship I was just in was "real". I started drinking, and one night messaged her ex to ask if he ever thought she cheated on him, while he had told me no, he told me other unflattering things about her that really caused me to question whether I knew the girl I had been with. I then assumed(incorrectly) that she was seeing one of her male "friends" and sent him a message(which she found out).

We had a text conversation that night where I tried to explain to her that I simply did not understand how things spiralled out of control so quickly - and then she laid a bombshell. It was like every negative thing that had ever happened in the relationship was recorded in her brain and she told me that she NEVER felt like I emotionally supported her. I asked her why she never felt like she could communicate this with me and she told me she didn't feel comfortable telling me anything because at times i'd get upset and decide to leave for awhile. At the end of the conversation, I had thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel - I told her that I was really trying hard to understand her condition and that I thought we could work out whatever was going on if we just sit down and talked about all the things that were bothering her. She asked me one question that stuck out before agreeing to get together - she wanted to know if her roommate had texted me anything to cause me to behave the way I did. I told her no and then she told me that she'd pick a day that we could get together and talk.

Another 4 days pass with no communication from her, and it's at this point that I assume that she didn't have any intention of talking. I text her roommate and ask if he could meet me somewhere to pick up the keys to the apartment and he agreed. Before I met the roommate, I sent her one last message to see if she was ready to talk and she said told me she wasn't ready to talk. When I met the roommate, he said something to me that to this day still causes me emotional pain "J, i'm going to tell you right now, don't bother. She moved on quick". Everything began to make sense after that. The roommate and I had a heart to heart and told me mack had wanted to end things the very night that I began to sense that something wasn't right. He mentioned that there were a number of things that she communicated to him that were bothering her(things she never brought up to me).He communicated some details of our conversation to Mack. The next day she sent a message "Lose my number". We had our final conversation and I said to her that if she ever wanted to talk, feel free to reach out.

I realize that my behaviour at the end wasn't the greatest - I was overwhelmed by the rapidly devolving situation that caused me to do things that were out of character for me, but I also don't think I was completely wrong about what was going on either. There are days that I ask myself the what if question - constantly thinking about the last time I had seen her. Even though I know it does me no good, I just can't help myself.

[Ad Meliora]

Hello Follow the rock, and Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like you've been looking at the threads here already, so you have some familiarity with the site.  There are a lot of people here who have been in your exact shoes and hopefully that provides some solace in itself.  I would say at least you were told by your ex she had BPD so you had an idea of what was going on.  Many of us here, including myself, were never made aware of their condition or even it it was known to our exes.  It took me 5 months of ruminating and eventually searching things out on the internet to figure out what was going on, it took another 7 months to find this forum for me.

If you haven't looked up "Trauma Bonding" on this site, that may be worth your while at this point.  It's a fresh wound.  How long have you been broken up?  Are you going No Contact?  How about talk therapy, are you opposed to that or considering it?

Good Luck in starting on your healing journey

[followtherock]

Hello Follow the rock, and Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like you've been looking at the threads here already, so you have some familiarity with the site.  There are a lot of people here who have been in your exact shoes and hopefully that provides some solace in itself.  I would say at least you were told by your ex she had BPD so you had an idea of what was going on.  Many of us here, including myself, were never made aware of their condition or even it it was known to our exes.  It took me 5 months of ruminating and eventually searching things out on the internet to figure out what was going on, it took another 7 months to find this forum for me.

If you haven't looked up "Trauma Bonding" on this site, that may be worth your while at this point.  It's a fresh wound.  How long have you been broken up?  Are you going No Contact?  How about talk therapy, are you opposed to that or considering it?

Good Luck in starting on your healing journey

Hello Ad Meliora, I appreciate you reaching out. I last saw Mack about a month ago, and our final contact was approximately two weeks ago. I will not under any circumstance reach out to her. Though my heart says I should fight, my brain knows that it is not the right thing to do.

Every single day since the last day I saw her has been a struggle. For the first time in my life i've had trouble sleeping. When I do manage to get some sleep, I have dreams about Mack; my heart rate is elevated, i've been unable to eat more than one meal a day, and all I want to do is stop thinking about the entire situation.

It all felt so incredibly real; from writing love notes, asking when we'd have children/get married, to a cold distant person who became increasingly more upset when I tried to mend fences. I'm a 30 year old male and I've been through my share of girlfriends and break ups, but none of them have come close to affecting me the way this one has. I feel like I dropped my guard completely, and have been left with a shattered heart.

As for therapy, I think i'll be looking at booking some sessions. While it helps to communicate with friends and family, they simply don't "get" why i'm so hung up on this whole situation. This forum has been a true blessing to me as I know i'm not alone in this struggle.

[grumpydonut]

You could have literally been describing my story to me. That is an amazing parallel.

No, you didn't react perfectly, but you were being emotionally manipulated and gaslit. You were being subtly abused, and it caused you to react in emotionally-driven ways rather than on pure logic. As you said, your nervous system has been in overdrive, you sypathetic nervous system (fight / flight) response has likely been fully activated for months. So take it easy on yourself, because that's not a state from which you can act 100% rationally.

Also, remember that, at the end of the day, the suspicions that were acting as drivers for your behaviour (contacting your ex's exes, etc) turned out to be 100% TRUE!

Why is that an important fact?

Because your perceptions were 100% true, yet your were being made to seem crazy for believing them. You said it yourself, she scoffed at you for implying there was someone else...but there was. And you knew there was because you are clearly very good at interpreting social cues - such as change in tone, messaging frequency, attitude.

BPD has been called "the crazy making disorder". And it seems (aka this is my opinion) that these relationships can feature a transference of the BPDs  emotional instability onto the partner. In fact, many ex-partners of BPD believe they themselves have BPD due to the emotionally dysregulation these devaluation and manipulation periods cause. Many ex partners are very adept at believing THEY are to blame, when it's not even slightly true. You could be perfect in every single way, and the disorder will always find something that can be used to cut you down. Borderlines do not find perfect and unconditional love, because it doesn't exist.

To summarise my message:

Go easy on yourself. Not because "it's all love and positivity, yo" but because there are clear, logical explanations for why you weren't reacting perfectly - and very few of them were within your control.

[followtherock]

You could have literally been describing my story to me. That is an amazing parallel.

No, you didn't react perfectly, but you were being emotionally manipulated and gaslit. You were being subtly abused, and it caused you to react in emotionally-driven ways rather than on pure logic. As you said, your nervous system has been in overdrive, you sypathetic nervous system (fight / flight) response has likely been fully activated for months. So take it easy on yourself, because that's not a state from which you can act 100% rationally.

Also, remember that, at the end of the day, the suspicions that were acting as drivers for your behaviour (contacting your ex's exes, etc) turned out to be 100% TRUE!

Why is that an important fact?

Because your perceptions were 100% true, yet your were being made to seem crazy for believing them. You said it yourself, she scoffed at you for implying there was someone else...but there was. And you knew there was because you are clearly very good at interpreting social cues - such as change in tone, messaging frequency, attitude.

BPD has been called "the crazy making disorder". And it seems (aka this is my opinion) that these relationships can feature a transference of the BPDs  emotional instability onto the partner. In fact, many ex-partners of BPD believe they themselves have BPD due to the emotionally dysregulation these devaluation and manipulation periods cause. Many ex partners are very adept at believing THEY are to blame, when it's not even slightly true. You could be perfect in every single way, and the disorder will always find something that can be used to cut you down. Borderlines do not find perfect and unconditional love, because it doesn't exist.

To summarise my message:

Go easy on yourself. Not because "it's all love and positivity, yo" but because there are clear, logical explanations for why you weren't reacting perfectly - and very few of them were within your control.

I do not believe I am familiar with your story grumpy. If you don't mind me asking, what happened to you?

A lot of details were incredibly confusing to me. What I didn't mention is that she had told the roommate that she had been trying to tell me that she did not want to reconcile at all, which certainly wasn't the case.

Initially I asked myself why she didn't just end things weeks ago if that's truly what she wanted, but after reading about this condition and what followed the separation, I am assuming that she was grooming my replacement before calling it quits. I am trying my best to depersonalise the behaviour, but it stings.

It'll be awhile until I put myself back out there. For now, i'll try my best to keep busy with  hobbies and hanging with friends and family.

[poppy2]

Hi followtherock,

Thanks a lot for posting your story. I just want you to know that I can relate and recognize many of the struggles and questions you have. I can especially relate to the injustice of realizing that somehow, there was a moment when they "decided" things weren't going to work anymore, but without telling you about it clearly... and then, perhaps, kept you around as "option B" while they were looking for another "option A."

I feel it's very unjust that you, me and other people have to sort of retrospectively "go back to" this moment when maybe everything changed for them, but without transparency for us. I also feel there was such a moment for my ex and it made me crazy trying to figure it all out at the time. In a way the forums are really helpful because they help you to see that there's, perhaps, very little you could have done to change or improve things.. the trigger for this "shift" in pwBPD's thinking could be anything and based on your story, as well as my expereince, it really seems like nothing we could have done or said could have changed that. At the same time, being still in the relationship is like following the law of diminishing returns but without any clarity, fortitude, or firm ground. That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow and it's very hurtful, I think because none of the usual tools in relationships - communication, honest intentions, and so on - seem to apply here (I kept trying to apply them, and it only ended up hurting me more and more). Maybe the pwBPD themselves cannot even reconstruct what went wrong, and therefore cannot try to repair it: feelings are facts, and therefore if they feel bad or wrong (or project these feelings of badness or wrongness onto you or the relationship), nothing can be done. At least for me, that is why it was such a mindf*** at the time: none of her behaviour made any sense to me at all, I was invested in the relationship, and had no idea what BPD was.  

The other part I'd like to validate in your story is being traded or exchanged for another person. This is actually a form of objectificiation and it's called "fungibility".  It's a very self-centred and hurtful thing to do to somebody else, and basically makes me furious when I think about it... it just shows a lack of common respect and decency, or even a void where decency should be. You were together for 1,5 years and you deserved much better than that. Of course - and this is just my opinion - it also helps to show you the utter shallowness of the person you were with. Personally, I never got any of the confirmation or closure that you received by having these discussions with others... I kind of wish I knew. My ex was maybe far more intelligent in that she just left, cut me out of her life, and never spoke to me again. She did, however, mention 1 month or so before this how she was going to see a new actress, the actress was into her, etc.etc. (this form of manipulation is triangulation and it's how narcissists play people off each other.. I'd seen her do it to others with me, i.e. berating others for being "less good/serviceable to her than I was", which also made me feel like she wasn't a good person at all, even though she perhaps meant it as a compliment to me). My point about all of this is to share experiences but also to say: If I knew that my ex really did leave me and maybe 3 weeks later was seeing this actress or whatever, then I would feel much better about it all. It would confirm for me she was unworthy of my time or attention. Instead, I was of the kind (and I share this with others too) where they just disappeared and left all these open questions.

Anyway *sigh* I can tell you it does get better from here on out.    

[grumpydonut]

I do not believe I am familiar with your story grumpy. If you don't mind me asking, what happened to you?

Sorry for the delay.

Cliffs:

- Dated for 3 years.
- She moved from UK to Australia to live with me
- Within 3 months she cheated on me with a co-worker
- Begged me not to leave her
- For the rest of the relationship, the whole time she was still seeing the bloke she cheated on me with, her co-workers thought they were in a relationship
- 6 months later she left because she "needed to work on herself / get better"
- 3 months of mixed messaging
- Everytime I said I "had enough" she'd make sure I didn't leave, said she was working on herself
- Then, finally, she said we shouldn't be together (despite the fact she had made sure I was clinging on)
- I dug around, and found that she had been with him the whole time, and that she had been going to social events with him (a wedding, for instance) while also telling me she was trying to get better to come back to me / loved me / was stalking me on social media and dating websites...
- She cut me off, because now she had him on the hook thus wouldn't feel abandoned
- Silent treatment / no closure / no explanation, just typical BPD-inspired cowardice
- My parting words were "he will cheat on you, I guarantee it" - because, I'm pretty darn good at reading people.

Then I found out from her ex-friends (they all left her due to the drama she causes) that her partner cheated on her with two separate women within the first 6 months of dating, and that she went to one of the women's apartment and chucked her property off a 20-story balcony...fun fun.

[Ad Meliora]

Then I found out from her ex-friends...and that she went to one of the women's apartment and chucked her property off a 20-story balcony...fun fun.

Nice breakdown Grumpy.  I hope the woman didn't have anvils to throw off the balcony, jeesh, sounds dangerous!

I was patching an old metal watering can today that someone tossed out.  I thought it was just a couple of holes and would be easy to fix with cold weld epoxy.  I held the bottom up to the light and it was riddled with holes.  It reminded me of your ex--"A bucket with holes".

[grumpydonut]

Yes, and did you continue to fill that bucket in hope that it would eventually become full despite the holes?

Yet, how many of us do that, haha.

[Erfanovich]

Hello, My name is erfonovich, 50 yrs old, new on this forum  and I want to share my (long) story because I can’t stop blaming myself for ruining my relation with a the most beautiful girl I ever met but also the most disturbing girl and have some issues to keep that in mind. I am pretty sure I was part (and partial responsible) of a cruel dance of manipulation, lies and devaluation but every thought I have can be returned to a good reason I did wrong.
My marriage was not good and was I doubted for a long time to stop it but my responsibility kept me in it. Now I know that the dynamics of the marriage were not good partial because of my thoughts and lack of communication from my side. This is sideinformation.
I met the girl, lets call het Carly, many years ago. She moved to my street in 2002, engaged. The moment I saw her was a moment of ‘wow’. A bodyfigure of a 18 yrs old girl, long blond hair and always shining and well groomed. I met her once and did not see her at first. She immediately confronted me by saying: ‘’Hey are you greeting me or not?’’ in a very direct way. I apologized and told her I did not see her. Later on in the story she confronted me with that moment.
Anyway, she always kept in my mind. A sort of woman who keeps interesting but you can’t have. We both got kids in the same month, if fact her son is born on my birthday and her second son is named the same name as me ( and the second name after my brother… scary?). Later I met her occasionally at school, the soccerfield and so on because of the kids. Sometimes we chatted and always she was insecure about her appearance and I complemented her with her awesome look. Always! And always she told my I was looking so incredible. Yes, it was flirting, and yes, I flirted only with her because she gave me the feeling I ment something.
We jump in the timeline. In 2017 I met her in the grocery store, talked a while. She apologized not looking sharp because she was having back problems and wearing jogging trousers. I told her she was always looking good. We changed numbers because of a oncoming party at school. I must confess I was the one contacting her and was very exited she answered. I contacted her more often and she always replied with a nice, and most of the time, a text with compliments and admiration. A lot of texts were about what we were doing at frequent moments of the week, later days, and later even hours. We started calling and seeing eachother. One moment she was with her racebike and did not know where she was. She texted me she was lost ( she knew I was on my bike at the same time) and made a photo of a road she was on. I texted her that I knew where she was and tried to explain how to get home. She texted me she did not understand and was feeling scared. I, as elegant I am, texted to stay where she was and wait for me to pick her up. (she knew to use google maps but I was not thinking clearly that moment). From this moment we started to bike together. I noted that these biketrips were really nice but our conversations were a lot about her bad husband, the way he treated her, gave her no respect and attention. We discussed ways to change that and of course I told her how I see things. I fell in love with her and wanted to give her the attention and love she needed. I remember 1 moment we agreed to bike together but I was late. At the meeting point there was no Carly. I called her and she told me she went biking: I do not have the time waiting for you were her exact words. I felt terrible (and from that moment I was always in time at all our coming dates). We started dating in secret and had a lot of conversations in my car. I remember that I talked about my feelings a lot, my insecurities and my worries about me, my kids and she always talked about her bad husband, he was checking her where she was all the time she said. In our conversations and dates she told me she had some other contacts, but it was no cheating she said. There is one particular thing I want to tell. I am a sales representative and travel a lot in the aerea. I once, some years ago,  stopped at a parking space on a highway and spotted her in a blink while driving away. I turned around to check. She was on the parking with an other guy in a car. I walked to the shop and she came to me, a red face and a flower in her hair. I made nothing of it ( yeah, I knew t she was cheating) but later, while dating she asked if I remembered that moment. I told her I did not. Later she asked me the same thing a couple of times. I was concerned she asked me this a couple of times, and I am sure she knew I knew about it, but never said I remembered it. Our text messages became more intensive as our dates. Every hour possible I spend with her. When I did not response a message rapidly I got a text where she gave me a feeling she doubted my loyalty. SO I texted her right away, every time, and every morning I set the alarm clock to text her first to give her a special feeling. We spend a lot of evenings drinking coffee or even wine at some place. It was just the two of us and in my opinion it was heaven. The most beautiful woman wanted me. She adored me, even the most little things did excite her to give me compliments. Although everything was heaven, I started to see some doubts, something was wrong, some things she said were not correct and we had some little arguments about insignificant things. Her way of talking about it was a light annoyed argument I did it wrong or even angry that I shouldn’t pretend. It made me feeling a little boy so my further behaviour was to avoid it or tongbite issues. I divorced a few months later. Meanwhile I saw her a lot, went days to shop, wellness and other short trips.  The sex started, and it was amazing, she complained her husband was a really bad lover in bed and she cried that the lovemaking with me was the best and most wunderful things ever happened to her. And she was a little tiger, very active, amazing sex in every place I could think of. All dates or short moments ended in hot sex.  In all these time, she always dropped some lines there were other men interested in her which made me wonder why she told me that. She was always talking about privacy, sometimes she was very quiet about appointments she had. Remarkable is some moments she doubted my commitment to her while there was no cause. We talked about it, I never was mad or even raining my voice. I always talked about it but end the end I did something wrong and had to correct it by take the guilt and tell her I did not want to loose her. After this arguments she always told me to love me and never leave me because I was the best and most person ever! A prince, a soulmate and just the two of us was a fairy tale.
After I divorced she was divorcing too. In this period I have to confess I wanted her so badly I crossed borders to let her know I loved her. Carts, gifts, doing things for her in every way I could, totally out of control. She was divorcing but never the less she went away with her husband for 2 trips, went to wellness together, but she always complained about her ex, she even told me he was a real narcissist.  In march 2019 she divorced and got a place to live. I knew somebody who had a empty house so I arranged it for her. The problem was, the house was 1 door next to my ex-wife. So I had some troubles to show up at her place in this first period. We were both divorced a couple of weeks and living in a small place. So I told her that I had some difficulties in showing up and take things slow. She agreed because of her kids had some troubles seeing me ( not a nice thing to hear, but again, I made nothing of it). We dated a lot, she came over at my house, but always left early in the morning. Still the sex and moments together were awesome. After some weeks she called me to say how bad I was that I never showed up at her place, and how terrible lover I was. Ven her ex was better then I was. It hurted me badly and from this moment I felt guilty in every way ( still think she has a point that I s*cked completely). I told her that the presence of my ex and my kids in the garden next to her made me scared and out of comfortzone and agreed to go open after the holiydays. She agreed but when I made plans for holiday with my kids she again she made a argument of it after a few days I told her my plans. I made plans for holiday without asking her and forgot to ask her with me. I did not because she told me she had other plans and did not have the money. Total mindf*ck and I even felt more guilt. I had a feeling everything I did was wrong and it hurt my heart I was such a bad lover and partner for her. Some other arguments followed in the period after that. In oktober I felt it was going wrong with me. Burn-out. I told her things were not going well and I could not be the one for her for a while. I cried and was broken. She gave me the feeling it was ok. She texted me every day, but never came by to see me, never! After few weeks she called me to tell me she was not feeling it anymore: I was at a different level and I she had problems that I slept at home and she did too and we should be together instead of apart. She told me I was avoiding her, she deserved more and again I was a terrible man to spend time on my own in stead of her. She told me she had so much love to give, but I was reluctant of it. She wanted to quit for a while. I agreed totally flabbergasted… In that period of 2 weeks she dated other men, and she posted it on FB. After a few weeks we came together again. The love was still alive… But suddenly one other guy came by sometimes. It was a good friend from the past… This friend came more often en she talked about him openly. Suddenly she told me that we could not kiss anymore bit she never wanted to loose me. She hurted me on purpose to talk about him, date me but with a endtime because the friend came by. I saw what’s going on, worked hard to show her my love. We had an argument, made up the argument, I took the guilt. I told her that I was seeing the picture and there was no space for me anymore. She told me she did not want to loose me, I was her soulmate. The next hour she was gone for 3 days with the new man. I broke up but she contacted me every day if nothing happened. I went NC. After 3 months I saw her again. She contacted me I was the one and wanted to get together again. I really had some doubts but I agreed. Jeez, she was pretty, het twinkle eyes melted me. I told her I had serious trust problems she went away without telling me and keeping me in line. She told me I was sick and not she so she was free to go. After some time I felt the same feeling in my stomic something was wrong ( a friend of my told me she could have BPS because his mom told him. His mom was a assistant at a doctor and read something in her file). It made sense but was still in love, but it never left my head. I told her I still had doubts and did not trust her anymore I should trust her. She went ballistic. Crying, screeming and stamping feet she could not without me ever and I had to accept her. Later she told me she was in so much pain that moment she never wanted to experience that again, and I gave her that pain. I felt guilty again and tried to make it work. It did not. I always got accused of giving the pain she experienced. In the meantime I did everything for her to show her that I was a real man, had commitment and loved her. In my opinion, my live was over without her. We dated for some months. Had incredible sex and when we were together everything was so romantic and nice. But again, there was someone else. The same story happened like the summer before. She made me do things, I got rewarded with a nice moment or sex, I was trying and trying to show her my love and commitment. She let me believe it was mutual. But suddenly she changed her work-off day, went away without telling what, and I got warned by the neighbor  she dated someone else next to me, she did not text me for a day ( we texted every day a lot) and she was changing clothes. One moment we talked about her strange behaviour and my love for her. We should try to make it happen, and would do everything for her to grow old with her. She was happy and we agreed to do everything we could to possibly do to get a good and healthy relation. I felt really good we talked it trough like adults en for the first time she was open and clear to discuss. 2 days later I found out she was sleeping with another. I confronted her, she confessed and told her to go with the other. She hold me for 1 hour crying and told her she was going to be happy with the other guy, she told me she doubted that. Why are you going to try it I asked. She couldn’t tell me. After that she told me she was felling guilty we hugged because it for her feeling it stood between her and the new guy and she accused me for this hug. I went away en went NC. Never heard of her again.

And after this story, in which I cand tell you so much more moments of doubt, lies and taking guilt and blame, I can’t stop thinking I was the bad lover even I know she had a diagnose of BPS. She sometimes was so sweet, adorable and warm…  I ruined a relationship which was a love story with no end. I am looking for the blame at myself, although all my best friends tell me I could never do good and she always looking for better. In my heart I know I did my best, gave her my unconditionally love but the feeling I was not enough hurts me so bad. I went for therapy and learned a lot about myself and my patterns of helping other people without thinking about myself. I am working on it, and its going a lot better. But still…  Maybe you see the pattern or recognition….

[Erfanovich]

Hi followtherock,

Thanks a lot for posting your story. I just want you to know that I can relate and recognize many of the struggles and questions you have. I can especially relate to the injustice of realizing that somehow, there was a moment when they "decided" things weren't going to work anymore, but without telling you about it clearly... and then, perhaps, kept you around as "option B" while they were looking for another "option A."

I feel it's very unjust that you, me and other people have to sort of retrospectively "go back to" this moment when maybe everything changed for them, but without transparency for us. I also feel there was such a moment for my ex and it made me crazy trying to figure it all out at the time. In a way the forums are really helpful because they help you to see that there's, perhaps, very little you could have done to change or improve things.. the trigger for this "shift" in pwBPD's thinking could be anything and based on your story, as well as my expereince, it really seems like nothing we could have done or said could have changed that. At the same time, being still in the relationship is like following the law of diminishing returns but without any clarity, fortitude, or firm ground. That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow and it's very hurtful, I think because none of the usual tools in relationships - communication, honest intentions, and so on - seem to apply here (I kept trying to apply them, and it only ended up hurting me more and more). Maybe the pwBPD themselves cannot even reconstruct what went wrong, and therefore cannot try to repair it: feelings are facts, and therefore if they feel bad or wrong (or project these feelings of badness or wrongness onto you or the relationship), nothing can be done. At least for me, that is why it was such a mindf*** at the time: none of her behaviour made any sense to me at all, I was invested in the relationship, and had no idea what BPD was.  

The other part I'd like to validate in your story is being traded or exchanged for another person. This is actually a form of objectificiation and it's called "fungibility".  It's a very self-centred and hurtful thing to do to somebody else, and basically makes me furious when I think about it... it just shows a lack of common respect and decency, or even a void where decency should be. You were together for 1,5 years and you deserved much better than that. Of course - and this is just my opinion - it also helps to show you the utter shallowness of the person you were with. Personally, I never got any of the confirmation or closure that you received by having these discussions with others... I kind of wish I knew. My ex was maybe far more intelligent in that she just left, cut me out of her life, and never spoke to me again. She did, however, mention 1 month or so before this how she was going to see a new actress, the actress was into her, etc.etc. (this form of manipulation is triangulation and it's how narcissists play people off each other.. I'd seen her do it to others with me, i.e. berating others for being "less good/serviceable to her than I was", which also made me feel like she wasn't a good person at all, even though she perhaps meant it as a compliment to me). My point about all of this is to share experiences but also to say: If I knew that my ex really did leave me and maybe 3 weeks later was seeing this actress or whatever, then I would feel much better about it all. It would confirm for me she was unworthy of my time or attention. Instead, I was of the kind (and I share this with others too) where they just disappeared and left all these open questions.

Anyway *sigh* I can tell you it does get better from here on out.    

Pff. Poppy. Nice contribution because is telling exactly my story ( as submitted above) the pain that your true love, sincerity and all the energy you put in it did not apply. The truth that all things said and done were just a thing or a lie.

The problems and hurt that someone so pretty, so vulnerable, so warm and full of energy is capable of doing so hurtful, I stil have troubles seeing that clear or even believe it.  I got replaced 2 times and still I ask myself why? No answers, only the accussing that all was my fault make me analyze and analyze and scare me to ever get another relationship.

[followtherock]

Hello, My name is erfonovich, 50 yrs old, new on this forum  and I want to share my (long) story because I can’t stop blaming myself for ruining my relation with a the most beautiful girl I ever met but also the most disturbing girl and have some issues to keep that in mind. I am pretty sure I was part (and partial responsible) of a cruel dance of manipulation, lies and devaluation but every thought I have can be returned to a good reason I did wrong.
My marriage was not good and was I doubted for a long time to stop it but my responsibility kept me in it. Now I know that the dynamics of the marriage were not good partial because of my thoughts and lack of communication from my side. This is sideinformation.
I met the girl, lets call het Carly, many years ago. She moved to my street in 2002, engaged. The moment I saw her was a moment of ‘wow’. A bodyfigure of a 18 yrs old girl, long blond hair and always shining and well groomed. I met her once and did not see her at first. She immediately confronted me by saying: ‘’Hey are you greeting me or not?’’ in a very direct way. I apologized and told her I did not see her. Later on in the story she confronted me with that moment.
Anyway, she always kept in my mind. A sort of woman who keeps interesting but you can’t have. We both got kids in the same month, if fact her son is born on my birthday and her second son is named the same name as me ( and the second name after my brother… scary?). Later I met her occasionally at school, the soccerfield and so on because of the kids. Sometimes we chatted and always she was insecure about her appearance and I complemented her with her awesome look. Always! And always she told my I was looking so incredible. Yes, it was flirting, and yes, I flirted only with her because she gave me the feeling I ment something.
We jump in the timeline. In 2017 I met her in the grocery store, talked a while. She apologized not looking sharp because she was having back problems and wearing jogging trousers. I told her she was always looking good. We changed numbers because of a oncoming party at school. I must confess I was the one contacting her and was very exited she answered. I contacted her more often and she always replied with a nice, and most of the time, a text with compliments and admiration. A lot of texts were about what we were doing at frequent moments of the week, later days, and later even hours. We started calling and seeing eachother. One moment she was with her racebike and did not know where she was. She texted me she was lost ( she knew I was on my bike at the same time) and made a photo of a road she was on. I texted her that I knew where she was and tried to explain how to get home. She texted me she did not understand and was feeling scared. I, as elegant I am, texted to stay where she was and wait for me to pick her up. (she knew to use google maps but I was not thinking clearly that moment). From this moment we started to bike together. I noted that these biketrips were really nice but our conversations were a lot about her bad husband, the way he treated her, gave her no respect and attention. We discussed ways to change that and of course I told her how I see things. I fell in love with her and wanted to give her the attention and love she needed. I remember 1 moment we agreed to bike together but I was late. At the meeting point there was no Carly. I called her and she told me she went biking: I do not have the time waiting for you were her exact words. I felt terrible (and from that moment I was always in time at all our coming dates). We started dating in secret and had a lot of conversations in my car. I remember that I talked about my feelings a lot, my insecurities and my worries about me, my kids and she always talked about her bad husband, he was checking her where she was all the time she said. In our conversations and dates she told me she had some other contacts, but it was no cheating she said. There is one particular thing I want to tell. I am a sales representative and travel a lot in the aerea. I once, some years ago,  stopped at a parking space on a highway and spotted her in a blink while driving away. I turned around to check. She was on the parking with an other guy in a car. I walked to the shop and she came to me, a red face and a flower in her hair. I made nothing of it ( yeah, I knew t she was cheating) but later, while dating she asked if I remembered that moment. I told her I did not. Later she asked me the same thing a couple of times. I was concerned she asked me this a couple of times, and I am sure she knew I knew about it, but never said I remembered it. Our text messages became more intensive as our dates. Every hour possible I spend with her. When I did not response a message rapidly I got a text where she gave me a feeling she doubted my loyalty. SO I texted her right away, every time, and every morning I set the alarm clock to text her first to give her a special feeling. We spend a lot of evenings drinking coffee or even wine at some place. It was just the two of us and in my opinion it was heaven. The most beautiful woman wanted me. She adored me, even the most little things did excite her to give me compliments. Although everything was heaven, I started to see some doubts, something was wrong, some things she said were not correct and we had some little arguments about insignificant things. Her way of talking about it was a light annoyed argument I did it wrong or even angry that I shouldn’t pretend. It made me feeling a little boy so my further behaviour was to avoid it or tongbite issues. I divorced a few months later. Meanwhile I saw her a lot, went days to shop, wellness and other short trips.  The sex started, and it was amazing, she complained her husband was a really bad lover in bed and she cried that the lovemaking with me was the best and most wunderful things ever happened to her. And she was a little tiger, very active, amazing sex in every place I could think of. All dates or short moments ended in hot sex.  In all these time, she always dropped some lines there were other men interested in her which made me wonder why she told me that. She was always talking about privacy, sometimes she was very quiet about appointments she had. Remarkable is some moments she doubted my commitment to her while there was no cause. We talked about it, I never was mad or even raining my voice. I always talked about it but end the end I did something wrong and had to correct it by take the guilt and tell her I did not want to loose her. After this arguments she always told me to love me and never leave me because I was the best and most person ever! A prince, a soulmate and just the two of us was a fairy tale.
After I divorced she was divorcing too. In this period I have to confess I wanted her so badly I crossed borders to let her know I loved her. Carts, gifts, doing things for her in every way I could, totally out of control. She was divorcing but never the less she went away with her husband for 2 trips, went to wellness together, but she always complained about her ex, she even told me he was a real narcissist.  In march 2019 she divorced and got a place to live. I knew somebody who had a empty house so I arranged it for her. The problem was, the house was 1 door next to my ex-wife. So I had some troubles to show up at her place in this first period. We were both divorced a couple of weeks and living in a small place. So I told her that I had some difficulties in showing up and take things slow. She agreed because of her kids had some troubles seeing me ( not a nice thing to hear, but again, I made nothing of it). We dated a lot, she came over at my house, but always left early in the morning. Still the sex and moments together were awesome. After some weeks she called me to say how bad I was that I never showed up at her place, and how terrible lover I was. Ven her ex was better then I was. It hurted me badly and from this moment I felt guilty in every way ( still think she has a point that I s*cked completely). I told her that the presence of my ex and my kids in the garden next to her made me scared and out of comfortzone and agreed to go open after the holiydays. She agreed but when I made plans for holiday with my kids she again she made a argument of it after a few days I told her my plans. I made plans for holiday without asking her and forgot to ask her with me. I did not because she told me she had other plans and did not have the money. Total mindf*ck and I even felt more guilt. I had a feeling everything I did was wrong and it hurt my heart I was such a bad lover and partner for her. Some other arguments followed in the period after that. In oktober I felt it was going wrong with me. Burn-out. I told her things were not going well and I could not be the one for her for a while. I cried and was broken. She gave me the feeling it was ok. She texted me every day, but never came by to see me, never! After few weeks she called me to tell me she was not feeling it anymore: I was at a different level and I she had problems that I slept at home and she did too and we should be together instead of apart. She told me I was avoiding her, she deserved more and again I was a terrible man to spend time on my own in stead of her. She told me she had so much love to give, but I was reluctant of it. She wanted to quit for a while. I agreed totally flabbergasted… In that period of 2 weeks she dated other men, and she posted it on FB. After a few weeks we came together again. The love was still alive… But suddenly one other guy came by sometimes. It was a good friend from the past… This friend came more often en she talked about him openly. Suddenly she told me that we could not kiss anymore bit she never wanted to loose me. She hurted me on purpose to talk about him, date me but with a endtime because the friend came by. I saw what’s going on, worked hard to show her my love. We had an argument, made up the argument, I took the guilt. I told her that I was seeing the picture and there was no space for me anymore. She told me she did not want to loose me, I was her soulmate. The next hour she was gone for 3 days with the new man. I broke up but she contacted me every day if nothing happened. I went NC. After 3 months I saw her again. She contacted me I was the one and wanted to get together again. I really had some doubts but I agreed. Jeez, she was pretty, het twinkle eyes melted me. I told her I had serious trust problems she went away without telling me and keeping me in line. She told me I was sick and not she so she was free to go. After some time I felt the same feeling in my stomic something was wrong ( a friend of my told me she could have BPS because his mom told him. His mom was a assistant at a doctor and read something in her file). It made sense but was still in love, but it never left my head. I told her I still had doubts and did not trust her anymore I should trust her. She went ballistic. Crying, screeming and stamping feet she could not without me ever and I had to accept her. Later she told me she was in so much pain that moment she never wanted to experience that again, and I gave her that pain. I felt guilty again and tried to make it work. It did not. I always got accused of giving the pain she experienced. In the meantime I did everything for her to show her that I was a real man, had commitment and loved her. In my opinion, my live was over without her. We dated for some months. Had incredible sex and when we were together everything was so romantic and nice. But again, there was someone else. The same story happened like the summer before. She made me do things, I got rewarded with a nice moment or sex, I was trying and trying to show her my love and commitment. She let me believe it was mutual. But suddenly she changed her work-off day, went away without telling what, and I got warned by the neighbor  she dated someone else next to me, she did not text me for a day ( we texted every day a lot) and she was changing clothes. One moment we talked about her strange behaviour and my love for her. We should try to make it happen, and would do everything for her to grow old with her. She was happy and we agreed to do everything we could to possibly do to get a good and healthy relation. I felt really good we talked it trough like adults en for the first time she was open and clear to discuss. 2 days later I found out she was sleeping with another. I confronted her, she confessed and told her to go with the other. She hold me for 1 hour crying and told her she was going to be happy with the other guy, she told me she doubted that. Why are you going to try it I asked. She couldn’t tell me. After that she told me she was felling guilty we hugged because it for her feeling it stood between her and the new guy and she accused me for this hug. I went away en went NC. Never heard of her again.

And after this story, in which I cand tell you so much more moments of doubt, lies and taking guilt and blame, I can’t stop thinking I was the bad lover even I know she had a diagnose of BPS. She sometimes was so sweet, adorable and warm…  I ruined a relationship which was a love story with no end. I am looking for the blame at myself, although all my best friends tell me I could never do good and she always looking for better. In my heart I know I did my best, gave her my unconditionally love but the feeling I was not enough hurts me so bad. I went for therapy and learned a lot about myself and my patterns of helping other people without thinking about myself. I am working on it, and its going a lot better. But still…  Maybe you see the pattern or recognition….

Thanks for sharing your story. I would say this. People normally don't drastically change who they are; they may become better versions of themselves, but character changes are rather minor. It sounds like there was both an emotional and physical affair brewing between the two of you while you were with your respective partners. You must always ask yourself this - if they're willing to do that with somebody they vowed to always love and protect, why would you or I be any different? Clinging onto the hope that somebody who's unfaithful by nature would be faithful if we just give them the right amount of love, adoration, and appreciation, can be a fruitless endeavour in a lot of cases. The main reason is that their habitual defensive mechanisms are to find others when they're feeling dissatisfied. It's very hard to build a solid foundation with somebody like that.

[followtherock]

Sorry for the delay.

Cliffs:

- Dated for 3 years.
- She moved from UK to Australia to live with me
- Within 3 months she cheated on me with a co-worker
- Begged me not to leave her
- For the rest of the relationship, the whole time she was still seeing the bloke she cheated on me with, her co-workers thought they were in a relationship
- 6 months later she left because she "needed to work on herself / get better"
- 3 months of mixed messaging
- Everytime I said I "had enough" she'd make sure I didn't leave, said she was working on herself
- Then, finally, she said we shouldn't be together (despite the fact she had made sure I was clinging on)
- I dug around, and found that she had been with him the whole time, and that she had been going to social events with him (a wedding, for instance) while also telling me she was trying to get better to come back to me / loved me / was stalking me on social media and dating websites...
- She cut me off, because now she had him on the hook thus wouldn't feel abandoned
- Silent treatment / no closure / no explanation, just typical BPD-inspired cowardice
- My parting words were "he will cheat on you, I guarantee it" - because, I'm pretty darn good at reading people.

Then I found out from her ex-friends (they all left her due to the drama she causes) that her partner cheated on her with two separate women within the first 6 months of dating, and that she went to one of the women's apartment and chucked her property off a 20-story balcony...fun fun.

Unbelievable how we're simply disposed like garbage after the new white knight comes into the fold. I've been oscillating through a ton of emotions recently; hate and guilt are the strongest of them right now. With all of her flaws, I was willing to see the good that Mack had to offer.

When she said she never felt like I emotionally supported her it felt like a sucker punch. I guess she forgot about the times that she was struggling financially and I would help her set up a plan to align her income with her expenditures; I guess she forgot when I was the one to console her when she lost her managerial position at a doggy daycare center(because they found her buying things she shouldn't have on the company credit card); I guess she forgot that when she was sick last year, I was the one who drove her to the hospital; I guess she forgot about the time that she lost her friend S and I was trying to be incredibly supportive... the list goes on.

I had always thought that during a relationship, arguments and disagreements were par for the course. The magnitude of the disagreement is important, but you'd think that once you've been with someone for awhile you've built up enough "good credit" to overlook the minor grievances. Knowing that we're only as good as our last couple appearances is a hard pill to swallow.

[Erfanovich]

Thanks for sharing your story. I would say this. People normally don't drastically change who they are; they may become better versions of themselves, but character changes are rather minor. It sounds like there was both an emotional and physical affair brewing between the two of you while you were with your respective partners. You must always ask yourself this - if they're willing to do that with somebody they vowed to always love and protect, why would you or I be any different? Clinging onto the hope that somebody who's unfaithful by nature would be faithful if we just give them the right amount of love, adoration, and appreciation, can be a fruitless endeavour in a lot of cases. The main reason is that their habitual defensive mechanisms are to find others when they're feeling dissatisfied. It's very hard to build a solid foundation with somebody like that.

Hi Followthe rock,

Thank you very much for your answer. I am aware I was unfaithfull to my partner and ashamed for it, but to be honest I never thought I would do this or was able to but the marriage was over and we ended in a respectfull and cooperative way. It did not last and even now me ex-wife is one of my best friends.

And yes, I am aware that my ex girlfriend was unfaithfull, multiple times, but the stories about her husband were so bad and shocking her marriage was a hell and in my perspective I saved her instead of making her life the bad thing she accused me of. I was manipulated in a way I just believed her stories, and was eager to help her, she made me her lifeguard. I am aware of the naivety of my behaviour to trust her in everything she said. Now I learn that almost everything she told me is a lie or a twist on truth. I gave her 4 yrs of my life, gave trust, consolation ( she had once a week 1, 2 or 3 days which she was sad and depressed), help, advice, gave her my integrity, respect and my dignity. I was a good partner in many things compared her experience with her other exes. She threw me away like garbage and went on. Thats ok. Her choise, but the way she tried to hang on, expanding a new relation within our 'relationship' trying to keep me for second best without any respect or feelings towards me is just hurtful and sick. How long was her plan to keep this? While our  breake up talk she even told me not to find someone else, she couldn't take it to see me with another girl and accept that she lost me forever. I had to accept the fact that she was seeing someone else twice!
The complete the mindf*ck of our break up talk: a commercial of holiday in Spain was on TV. She told me it would be nice to go together for a week. I just told her to break-up, and she told me to go 100% for the other guy... I was flabbergasted totally and could not believe my ears. In a way she infected me because after the talk and emotional goodbye I doubted a lot if I was doing right to leave her... was there still a chance I was wrong, and she really loved me and I had to chance to make it work. But after all the next day she went to this new guy. Allthough we live in a very small town I did not see her again.

After 4 years of dating and relationship I discovered all her friends thought I was the friendly neighbor who helped her a lot, because she told them I was, even her parents thought I was the neighbor. Nobody in her surrounding knows what we had. Ouch...


My fear is that she will return when she is not satisfied with the new one. All my friends who know her say she will just like the first time. She knows my weak spots and I am afraid of it. I know I don't want her anymore but I am scared. The last few days I hear she is in town and speaks to my friends she never talked to, she encouraged (only) my son at the soccerfield (he told me he was angry about that) and told the local handyman ( afreind of mine) she had a ''fling'' ( she is not attaching) when he asked her who was helping her patching up the place. I feel pity for the 'fling', he is subject to the same act. (after two years of dating and relation I discovered all her friends thought I was the friendly neighbor who helped her a lot. Nobody in her surrounding knows what we had.

[once removed]

I had always thought that during a relationship, arguments and disagreements were par for the course.

the older we get, the more defining these things become.

you were in a relationship with a "special needs" person. so was i.

followtherock, our relationship lasted just shy of 3 years (2 years and 10 months). she left me for someone else.

theres a great deal more to it, of course. i tried to leave that relationship what must have been well over a hundred times. i wasnt insincere about it either. i had a lot of unhappiness in my relationship, and, unbeknown to me at the time, so did my ex. but i didnt have the emotional resiliency to follow through on it, and neither did my ex, until she found an emotionally easier path for her.

youre feeling, as you say, an overwhelming sense of guilt. i dont want to add to it or pile on. i know how trying a time this is for you.

i do think in the long run, in assessing this relationship, you have evidence that the moment where you said "im not sure this is for me" was a breaking point. not just for her, but for both of you.

this sort of thing happens in some relationships. many. some rebound from it. most dont.

it clearly spooked your ex. her solution was to find an emotionally easier way to deal with it. assume that this was a dead end, and rather than adapt, or to break it off cleanly, find an emotionally easier way through.

on your end, it may have been more complicated. part of you was done, part of you wasnt done. for you, it was, in part, a plea for her/the relationship to rise above it. it was a warning, more than anything.

so at this point, youre suffering with that indecision, that what if, while she read it as a clearer sign and acted accordingly.

its going to take you a bit to catch up with all of that.

but in terms of coping, thats what i would encourage you to do. there was a part of you that said "this has an expiration date". there was a part of you that wasnt fully resigned to that. and a person in that position almost always ends up suffering. its one foot out, one foot in.

the relationship likely had cracks that a part of you saw, but hung on to.

[followtherock]

the older we get, the more defining these things become.

you were in a relationship with a "special needs" person. so was i.

followtherock, our relationship lasted just shy of 3 years (2 years and 10 months). she left me for someone else.

theres a great deal more to it, of course. i tried to leave that relationship what must have been well over a hundred times. i wasnt insincere about it either. i had a lot of unhappiness in my relationship, and, unbeknown to me at the time, so did my ex. but i didnt have the emotional resiliency to follow through on it, and neither did my ex, until she found an emotionally easier path for her.

youre feeling, as you say, an overwhelming sense of guilt. i dont want to add to it or pile on. i know how trying a time this is for you.

i do think in the long run, in assessing this relationship, you have evidence that the moment where you said "im not sure this is for me" was a breaking point. not just for her, but for both of you.

this sort of thing happens in some relationships. many. some rebound from it. most dont.

it clearly spooked your ex. her solution was to find an emotionally easier way to deal with it. assume that this was a dead end, and rather than adapt, or to break it off cleanly, find an emotionally easier way through.

on your end, it may have been more complicated. part of you was done, part of you wasnt done. for you, it was, in part, a plea for her/the relationship to rise above it. it was a warning, more than anything.

so at this point, youre suffering with that indecision, that what if, while she read it as a clearer sign and acted accordingly.

its going to take you a bit to catch up with all of that.

but in terms of coping, thats what i would encourage you to do. there was a part of you that said "this has an expiration date". there was a part of you that wasnt fully resigned to that. and a person in that position almost always ends up suffering. its one foot out, one foot in.

the relationship likely had cracks that a part of you saw, but hung on to.

Hello once removed, I appreciate your reply.

Yes, the relationship did have cracks. There were things that I saw in Mack that I didn't like, so I told her that I was thinking about ending things with her. This was before I knew anything about BPD; perhaps if I knew what I know now, I would have gone about things differently.

The night that we got together and we talked about the things in our relationship that were bothering us, I had thought that we were on the same page with everything. Consciously, I put everything behind me and wanted to start to new chapter with her... but like you said, she more than likely did not treat the incident the same and that could have very well been the catalyst to the demise of our relationship.

What was confusing was that everything felt normal until it didn't... There are so many things i'll never get to say and I have to hold that in my heart. While it's incredibly painful now, my only choice is to put one foot in front of the other and learn from this experience.

[Ad Meliora]

Yes, and did you continue to fill that bucket in hope that it would eventually become full despite the holes?
Yet, how many of us do that, haha.

So I spent a bunch of time patching all the holes I could see--which were a lot.  Let it sit and when I filled it with water...it leaked out the handle in a "secret" place.  The moral of the story here is: "A bucket with holes is a bucket with holes", and although you may spend a lot of time patching the ones you see, there's likely even more holes you don't.

[IntoTheWind]

I've experienced the exact same feeling. Have you considered that you feel exactly how they want you to feel? Guilt and shame are corrosive, they corrode boundaries. If I can guilt you enough, you owe me, if I can mix shame in there too, then you're indebted to me, you have to "make it right".

You have probably been trained the entire relationship to feel as if you've done wrong in several areas, and that you have to make up for it somehow, it's your duty. It's all nonsense, all smoke and mirrors, there's probably genuine mistakes that you made, but you're allowed to make mistakes, you're not supposed to be a perfect boyfriend. I bet you were always consistent with your feelings of love though.

Things will clear up eventually, it's like pushing on a string with these people. Best of luck on your journey.

[once removed]

for someone who tried to end the relationship many times, i was devastated when i was left.

and there is a lot of damage done when youre left for someone else. i think at the very least, its natural to face doubts, whats ifs, and insecurities.

what helped me was finding the balance between two things:

1. grieving the loss completely. dont minimize it. grieve it, cry about it, feel all of your feelings, as they say.

2. neither should you forget or minimize the reasons you were thinking about ending things. people have second thoughts and doubts about that too - its one reason relationships recycle, or drag out past their expiration date. i think when someone leaves before we do, a lot of that kind of goes out the window, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you, and its easy to focus more on the what ifs and doubts and if onlys because of a broken heart.

for example, i had a very jealous and possessive ex, and i find those things really unattractive, and they make me feel smothered in a relationship. they led her to invade my privacy, which made me feel even more smothered. i think its been valuable for me to learn that i could have handled it better at the time, and how, but those things are a part of who my ex is, and my feelings about it are a part of who i am, and those things clashed in ways our relationship couldnt survive, and ultimately, deep down, i wouldnt have wanted it to. im a big believer that relationships end for a reason, and my ex was not my soulmate.

dont overfocus on the bad, but dont lose sight of it, either.

lastly, being left for someone else really does a number on ones self esteem. spend a lot of time with loved ones. its good to see the good parts of you reflected back by loved ones.

its hard. but youll get through this.