Do I have bpd too? Thoughts after a breakup...

[lichtermeer]

After my relationship and then breakup two months ago, I became more anxious than ever.
I experienced things like:
depersonalization, like the situation with her felt like in a dream, after a traumatic fight e.g., but sometimes also just being by myself
( I experienced this once or twice in my life before, whenever I was in a situation I wasn't allowed to be in)
feeling hollow
not really knowing myself

I was always a very anxious person and blamed most of the conflicts with loved ones on me.
But I talked about it after I cooled down for a couple of days and I'd never just discard someone without talking with them about it.
My friends say I'm very empathetic and I do feel a lot of pain from other people. I usually feel extremely bad immediately whenever there's a fight or I hurt someone.
But I do have an intense anger issue and usually bottle up anger inside me. I almost never yell, insult or get an outburst and if I do then I quickly apologize and am more miserable than before. Even if I am still very angry on the inside, I try to talk calm on the outside so I don't upset anyone. I'm very scared of anger from other people, especially my parents although I'm an adult. They never physically abused me and yes it's a typical Russian family, but otherwise I don't know where this is coming from.
I am feeling a lot of shame, when I talk about my depressed feelings. I don't judge when another person is feeling depressed tho and like to listen. But with me the shame and guilt is a lot sometimes. I don't get angry because of that tho, just feeling like a burden. This got much worse after the breakup tho, but was there as long as I can remember with my family.

I get very angry with myself tho but I don't have suicidal thoughts or really hurting myself.
I do take things personally but am rather hurt than angry.
I'm a people pleaser and am afraid to speak up for my own opinion- I am aware of my own opinion- but still am afraid, people won't like me, or in my case worse, get angry with me, if I do.

Also a big thing is saying no. I am still trying really hard to work on that.  I know it doesn't make me a good person just to say yes to everything, but it's a pattern of mine.
Although all this, I can talk openly about my feelings with my close friends. After I while though, I tend to stop myself to talk about my problems with a particular person and rather call another friend to talk about it the next time, first of all because of balance and second of all because I'm scared it will be too much for them.

I tend to idealize people I get to know for dating, but I know it's just the honeymoon phase and when I get to know things about them, that may annoy me, I talk about it with them.
But sometimes I isolate after a fight especially if I'm hurt and speak with them a couple of days or weeks later when I sorted my thoughts out or the situation fits better.

Since puberty I had a lot of melancholic or anxious phases but I believed in my future and myself.

But now, since my breakup tho, I think I'm going crazy. I don't know who I am anymore and am feeling very depressed. I am questioning my whole behavior and things. I constantly feel like a burden or not belonging anywhere. Also my self esteem got much worse. Sometimes I feel the need to apologize for just existing and talking to a person.
I currently don't believe in being capable for being in a healthy and long relationship anymore and am feeling like I'll never experience a real stable romantic relationship in my life.
My relationships before tho were normal. There wasn't always anger and it was actually quite calm and harmonizing. Problems were more due to the fact, that I felt like I had to lie a lot to my parents back then, otherwise they would be angry with me again. (I was still living with them, I just don't want to disappoint them)
I usually looked for people that I can take care of and were annoyed with the situation. Very predictable, but I just discovered this pattern after the break-up. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
I am anxious of basically every interaction now and am scared, that maybe I'm the one with quiet bpd. I'm seeking a therapist, but it will take time to schedule an appointment.

Did anyone experience similar things? I'm scared of turning into a person that is capable to hurt people like my ex did and maybe I hurt her too, like she hurt me.

[Newdawnnewday]

Hello,

I don't at all believe you suffer from BPD, from what you've described - one major trait of BPD in my experience is : never accepting responsibility for anything, and never being accountable.

In your case it seems to be the opposite. You either take normal or excessive responsibility for your part in fights and conflicts and regular relationships.

What has happened, in my opinion, is that you :
1. Suffer from PTSD as a result of the relationship with your ex with BPD. Your symptoms will take a while to abate, but this is NOT your new normal. This is just, as you're transitioning out of the relationship. If you feel any area has taken a huge hit because of the relationship, try to work on that specifically (self-doubt, self-esteem, self-confidence, trusting others, etc.). But most of the things you describe could be traced back to a normal, traumatic reaction to an abnormal situation (relationship with a disordered person).
2. You have, in a way, "downloaded" some of your ex's symptoms, unwittingly. She was highly dysregulated and projected that all onto you, whether directly or in a subtle manner (it most likely is very unconscious on her part also). The roller coaster you are subjected to when in these relationships makes you feel : as dysregulated as they are ! You don't know top from bottom, left from right, in all areas of your life. Who is responsible for what ? Who did what ? But this will also clear, in time, with No contact.

What I find very helpful is to journal and document my feelings, emotions, even the craziest ones, and keep track of my progress.

I'm only one month out, and it's still, I must say, EXTREMELY hard, I too suffer from many symptoms. The relationship exacerbated some of my "usual suspects" - the things I need to work on (low self-esteem, codependency) ; and created a whole new array of symptoms (hypervigilance, fear, nightmares, etc.). But in the beginning, this was even worse, I could feel things that I know came directly from my ex w/ BPD : extreme dysregulation, extreme terror / fear, extreme agitation, unbalance, anger, feeling hypercritical of the world around me, etc.

You are a very sensitive being, and as a result, are very likely to "download" another's moods and traits. It's no wonder that these moods would linger for a while after withdrawal.

Have patience, take excellent care of yourself, and do something, anything, to remediate at least one of the symptoms you suffer from the most. You'll feel better knowing you're actively making your situation better ; all the while waiting for therapy ; and also, for Time to help you along your healing.

PS : one exercise I really like doing that could help you also (courtesy of Richard Grannon - you can check out his youtube channels, he is full of great ideas) is this : everyday for seven days, write down :
- what am I good at ? (connecting with friends, singing, dancing, great sense of style, translating poems, etc.)
- what do I like ? (listening to x, y, z - music -  drawing, taking a walk in the park, having lunch with x, y, z, resting, reading, watching x, y, z, walking the dog, etc.)

This, after a relationship with a person w/ BPD, where we've likely been stripped of our sense of self, will allow us to reconnect with ourselves (and then, build a better relationship with ourselves than we had, even before that relationship !).

Hopefully you'll find a way back to being your normal, kind, sensitive self !

And don't waste too much time overthinking this issue of : suffering from BPD. It doesn't seem likely at all !

Take care !
 

[Lucky Jim]

Do I have bpd too? Thoughts after a breakup...

Hey lichter, If you are asking yourself this question, it's highly unlikely, in my view, that you suffer from BPD.

Forgive yourself, friend, and move on.

LuckyJim

[poppy2]

Hi lichtermeer,

I think it's great you managed to get all of these difficult and sensitive feelings out there.

I can reassure you that you don't have BPD, or at the very least it is very unlikely. But I also had to ask myself this, and I think many other members did too. The problem is that when you are close to someone with BPD you end up absorbing much of their twisted but unconscious worldview, as newdawnnewday pointed out. Keep in mind, that even therapists who treat BPD often need to get into therapy themselves in order to stay grounded - and they are professionals.

What I take from your post is that you're still very enmeshed in your last relationship (I don't mean this in the bad way.) You are beginning to sort out - what belongs to me? what belongs to her? And that is a very confusing and difficult situation to be in, but it's very important, and may take a long time, because otherwise you are going to carry over these questions into new relationships.

As for the fact that you feel so anxious, try and be gentle with yourself. I believe all this happened very recently, and your nervous system was probably in a state of hyper arousal and vigilance for many months before this.. it will take time to settle down. Reading, posting, and also deep breathing will help you. I had and still have many symptoms of PTSD but most of the really bad ones subsided after 3 months. I know that feels like forever right now, but if you can make it to 3 months no contact, you will feel so much better.

For anger I can recommend 'the dance of anger' by Harriet Lerner, and also for caretaking/people pleasing traits I can recommend Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Beide sind auf Deutsch auch übersetzt, schätze ich.

The most difficult thing about these relationships is the state they leave us in - broken, confused, insecure, traumatized, the whole bundle. But other members have said to me, and I can say to you, that there are important lessons in all that, it just takes time and 'a village' to help you realise it.

In your message I read things that perhaps have to do with you or your background, things that have to do with your toxic ex, and finally things that have to do with the stage of recovery/hurt you're in right now. It takes time to untangle all of this and the slow way is the better way. You can always post how you're doing on the forum and noone will judge you.

I can also recommend that you check the page 'looking for a therapist', it's in the skills section, it has some good advice about how to look for a therapist. Finally I could also perhaps recommend you look up some mindfulness techniques, especially against 'catastrophic thinking'... I get that a lot myself, and I found some DBT-mindfulness (originally designed to treat BPD, ironically!) very helpful in the stage you are in now (I used the book, the mindfulness solution to intense emotions. I found it really helpful. If by any chance you need PDFs, perhaps PM me and I can help you)

Best wishes
poppy

[SinisterComplex]

As LJ mentioned and I will parrot it myself...it is highly unlikely you have BPD. However, I will say that it is certainly possible you got a lot dumped on you and had emotions and feelings projected onto you. The result from that is more likely related to PTSD because you dealt with a disordered individual. Now, enough with labels. No diagnosis can be given here so I want to steer away from that. Please do not put so much on yourself and be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to heal and do not worry about if you have a disorder or not. You are going to be ok. Take it one step at a time.


Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[lichtermeer]

Thank you so much for everyone posting and taking your time. This group is so calming and gives me so much hope.
Your replies brought be tears of relief, my head was just in a downward-spiral at this point and you guys really helped me to center myself. I truly appreciate it.
Next week is my next appointment with my therapist. We will discuss catostrophizing and panic attacks there, I hope this will help too.
best wishes xx

[once removed]

hey all: the idea that if you are wondering if you have bpd, means or suggests you dont have bpd, is a myth. think about it. how would anyone get diagnosed? if youve seen tiktok or twitter, there are scores of people either self diagnosing or detailing their diagnosis/struggles. talking about, wondering about, mental health struggles is a pretty "in" thing.

the vast majority of people with bpd know something is wrong, or off; many of our exes told us this themselves. importantly, 50% of romantic partners of someone with bpd have a personality disorder themselves; there are lots here among us that have traits or more. a lot of us talk about codependency, which has far less stigma, but on paper symptomatically has a great deal of overlap with BPD.

we also cant catch disordered traits. these things are our baggage.

so it seems to me that going forward from a broken relationship and trying to heal, the question is "i have these issues/traits/behaviors...what can i do about them?".

to the OP: i think youre asking the right questions, and its good that youre working through them with a therapist. for a lot of us, these breakups are kind of a crisis. it was the hardest mental health struggle i ever went through. it was a sort of culmination of issues i had, some that i knew i had, some that i didnt. when youre faced with a crisis, it can define you, or you can define it.

thats sort of the crux of it. some of what youre describing may be situational (an important distinction when it comes to diagnosing a personality disorder). some of it may be a culmination. all of it is an opportunity to chart a different course.

[crushedagain]

From everything you've written, I do not believe you have BPD. I just believe that you went through a very traumatic time in the relationship and it left you extremely hurt and damaged, as happened to many of us. As others have highlighted, professional therapists have difficulties dealing with BPD persons, and sometimes need therapy themselves after such interactions! Be kind to yourself and best of luck.

[Erfanovich]

I'm not a therapist, but I pretty shure you don't have BPD... I remember when I went to a therapist I had the same thougths too after analyzing, blaming myself and all the gaslighting going on in my relation and the chaos after the (2nd break-up). I got a lovely smile from my therapist saying: the fact you are here and feeling so much pain is a diagnose you are ok. So are you!

After a lot of reading I read a article about BPD and relations. It was clear that a lot of partners after such a relation were so messed up that symptoms are likely the same as real BPS persons. I recognize this feeling and thoughts. Still have some thoughts I was the one ruiening the relation and something is wrong with me big time.

After therapy, still running, I slowly can recognize the trauma, my part of it (loosing boundaries, ingnoring red flags, always trying harder to compensate the blame and guilt) and the way out of these thoughts. One of the best mechanics of BPD or NPD is to project and manipulate you untill you believe all is your fault. It isn't! After all the grieve, anger and self destruction there will be a point short moments appear in which you can be kind to yourself and even see that it was definitely not you! At first I had such moments but I didn't believe myself or didn't allow these feelings.

In my recovery is recognizing feelings ( where are they in your body, and what does it tell you) a very important part of therapy. After recognizing feelings the next step is admitting the feeling is present and it will be for a longer time. In short: be kind to yourself, accept that you have anger, pain or grieve en let it be there. I admit I did not believe this kind of therapy but after some weeks there is a chance in me. I accept things the other way and the addiction of getting her back is changing into a awareness of myself being a nice but too empethic person and a from youth developed system of caring and efface myself in the benefit of others, and is this case the most intensive girl I ever met. I effaced myself totally untill I broke completely.

Now, there are moments of peace, and acknowledge that in the base nothing is wrong with me. I even have thoughts my ex is misses a lot by her choise to start a new relation instead of me. Her choise and  I am starting to be ok with it. We deserve better!

Be kind to yourself Lichtermeer. It's the only way to find yourself and you deserve better. You are OK!