I guess my xBPD's Statute of limitations on No Contact is 13 weeks

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I woke up this morning to a Facebook message from last night from Mr BPD asking how my daughter is doing (she broke her leg 8 weeks ago and I have been posting updates for family on Facebook...this is the ONLY thing I have been posting on Facebook and I guess he needed an opening?)  He discarded me exactly 13 weeks ago yesterday. I saw the message and immediately said "What the f?" Then I laughed because my first thought wasn't excitement that he messaged me, or hope that he wants me back, it was derision.

And yet...there is a small part of me that wants to message him back, to see what he has to say. There's a part of me who feels like its rude to not respond to such an innocuous question. There's a tiny part of me who still wants that validation from him that I am worthy to talk to, to be in his life and that I can help heal him (codependent much?). There's a part of me who wants to have a conversation with him and tell him how much he hurt me, though I know that won't make a difference to him in the least. I know its a slippery slope to respond to him and that no good can come of it.

I've been saying all along that I fully expected him to reach out at some point, I wish he could've waited a couple more months. I have come so far in the last 3 months and there is just a tiny part of me that hasn't fully let go. And worse, he has no clue - none! - about how this tiny message has thrown me for a loop. And he likely wouldn't care if he did know.

I haven't responded. I've been talking with a friend who understands the situation and he is reminding me of all the reasons it not a good idea. And I'm going to another friend's house in a little bit for a few hours so I should be able to get through this. Just trying to take it one day - one hour, really - at a time. 

[ILMBPDC]

I woke up this morning to a Facebook message from last night from Mr BPD asking how my daughter is doing (she broke her leg 8 weeks ago and I have been posting updates for family on Facebook...this is the ONLY thing I have been posting on Facebook and I guess he needed an opening?)  He discarded me exactly 13 weeks ago yesterday. I saw the message and immediately said "What the f?" Then I laughed because my first thought wasn't excitement that he messaged me, or hope that he wants me back, it was derision.

And yet...there is a small part of me that wants to message him back, to see what he has to say. There's a part of me who feels like its rude to not respond to such an innocuous question. There's a tiny part of me who still wants that validation from him that I am worthy to talk to, to be in his life and that I can help heal him (codependent much?). There's a part of me who wants to have a conversation with him and tell him how much he hurt me, though I know that won't make a difference to him in the least. I know its a slippery slope to respond to him and that no good can come of it.

I've been saying all along that I fully expected him to reach out at some point, I wish he could've waited a couple more months. I have come so far in the last 3 months and there is just a tiny part of me that hasn't fully let go. And worse, he has no clue - none! - about how this tiny message has thrown me for a loop. And he likely wouldn't care if he did know.

I haven't responded. I've been talking with a friend who understands the situation and he is reminding me of all the reasons it not a good idea. And I'm going to another friend's house in a little bit for a few hours so I should be able to get through this. Just trying to take it one day - one hour, really - at a time. 

[Sappho11]

ILMBPDC, the temptation is understandable. Perhaps it helps to look at it from another perspective? He didn't write to learn anything about you, he just wanted to get a foot in the door, as you yourself rightly see and point out. If you reply, the content of your message is of no matter; all he wants is to secure you as his supply again. Do you really want to go down that road?

I was similarly conflicted when my ex initially reached out two months ago. I was so, so tempted to reply to him -- even if it was just to tell him "I've seen through your games, it's over". But I didn't, and I'm glad that I didn't. It sent out the strong message that he simply wasn't a part of my life anymore, and it gave me a shred of control and dignity back.

Imagine you replied and he ghosted you? That would be awful. A lot to lose here with nothing to be gained.

[ILMBPDC]

You are absolutely right. I haven't given into temptation and I know the longer I wait the less the temptation will be. At some point I may be strong enough to have a conversation with him but right now I'm still too worried he will easily pull me back in and knowing that, I can see that no good can come of it.

I keep telling myself that - no good can come of it. Is there anything he can offer me that would not be all about him?  No.

I'm glad you have my back Sappho - well, everyone, really. It can be hard to go through this and start to question myself - its rude to not answer, maybe he is remorseful, maybe he finally realizes what he had - but having  you reinforce my thoughts is a blessing. It helps me stay strong. Thank you.

[poppy2]

And yet...there is a small part of me that wants to message him back, to see what he has to say. There's a part of me who feels like its rude to not respond to such an innocuous question. There's a tiny part of me who still wants that validation from him that I am worthy to talk to, to be in his life and that I can help heal him (codependent much?). There's a part of me who wants to have a conversation with him and tell him how much he hurt me, though I know that won't make a difference to him in the least. I know its a slippery slope to respond to him and that no good can come of it.

I would just like to validate all of these feelings. You deserve all or at least some of these things, especially the recognition of the hurt that was caused. But you know what? He probably isn't thinking about it like this at all. I believe that therapists themselves go into therapy when they treat bpd becuase the unconscious drives and worldview are so hard for nons to get their head around.

My point is: all of your feelings are completely legitimate. And the forum is a great place to let them out (and not feel bad about them). But it is unfortunately so unlikely that he will fulfill any of the wishes that a small part of you attaches to this message... or even that he sees this communication in the same way as you. This communication may be a game, it may be innocuous, it may be a trick, it may be all sorts of things, but I think Sappho said it best when she said that somebody who has the power to discard you so brutally will never be able to recognize your humanity afterwards (I don't know the specifics of your situation but I think this is generally good advice).

You take more power and dignity for yourself by not replying until you are ready, and you say you aren't yet. I hope this post gave you a few more hours of respite

poppy

[rob66]

By your own admission, you've come so far in 13 months. You seem to be in a good place and getting better. Stay strong. You haven't needed to speak to him, and you don't need to now. Stay strong. You can do it.

[Turkish]

He might be genuinely concerned about you daughter, but also clueless about your emotions. That's typical, but he might also be looking to connect. Or both. He saw that you read his message. If you're truly done, then trash future messages, block, or send a BIFF response: "she's on the mend and well, thanks for asking. I also wish you well, but please do not contact me in the future." Then ignore.

[Ad Meliora]

So what are you going to do ILM?  You have some good advice here.  He still works in your company/office right?

[Newdawnnewday]

Hi ILMBPDC,

I love the way you unpacked things, instead of just rushing to respond, you are breaking down all the motivations that would cause you to respond. If I were you I would answer each with my logical mind.
For instance (that's the one that struck me the most, one I'm very familiar with) :
- it would be rude not to answer ;
I for one struggle with that "not being rude" (being non-confrontational, being nice, etc.) also. But I have come to recognize that "not being rude" to someone who has hurt you in the past is an excuse. It's absolutely ok to "be rude" (in fact, it is : to be firm).
He discarded you 13 weeks ago, if you're using that term, "discard", it probably means he did it in a rather rude way. So he has crossed the line and now doesn't deserve to be shielded from your anger : it would be ok to ignore him, however rude you think it may be.

I also believe this : it would be ok for you to now implement No Contact from your side and ignore him for 13 weeks. That's YOUR discard now.

This, making the positive choice to go NO CONTACT, however hard it may be, may give you a lot of personal power and self-esteem, which would likely help you override the strength and allure of the other "motivations" that trigger you into "wanting" to respond.

Whatever you choose to do : don't forget to PUT YOURSELF FIRST and take excellent care of yourself !

[Newdawnnewday]

If YOU choose to start a 13 weeks No CONTACT period with him now, guess what :

it also means YOU decide whether HE is worthy of your time and attention, not the opposite.

There's a tiny part of me who still wants that validation from him that I am worthy to talk to

The question now becomes : is HE worthy to talk to ?

[ILMBPDC]

I would just like to validate all of these feelings. You deserve all or at least some of these things, especially the recognition of the hurt that was caused. But you know what? He probably isn't thinking about it like this at all.

No, I don't believe he is - I suspect he just wants to get me back on a leash.

My point is: all of your feelings are completely legitimate. And the forum is a great place to let them out (and not feel bad about them). But it is unfortunately so unlikely that he will fulfill any of the wishes that a small part of you attaches to this message... or even that he sees this communication in the same way as you. This communication may be a game, it may be innocuous, it may be a trick, it may be all sorts of things, but I think Sappho said it best when she said that somebody who has the power to discard you so brutally will never be able to recognize your humanity afterwards (I don't know the specifics of your situation but I think this is generally good advice).

Yes that is a great quote from Sappho - I want to believe he is remorseful, and there may be times he is, who knows maybe that's why he reached out. But both times he discarded me were brutal, with zero regard for my feelings. I look back and realize I don't think anything he ever did had any regard for me, actually, so I can only assume that he hasn't had a sudden brain injury and has changed completely. They say that to a BPD we are just objects and even though that seems an awful thing to say I am really starting to believe it.

You take more power and dignity for yourself by not replying until you are ready, and you say you aren't yet. I hope this post gave you a few more hours of respite

Yes, sharing this with everyone has been immensely cathartic. I've gone up and down over the last 24 hours, at some point thinking, Oh I'm strong enough, he's just asking how my daughter is and its rude not to answer and at other points thinking He just wants to reel you back in and make sure you are still there for him (which is much more likely). No, I still haven't responded.

[ILMBPDC]

So what are you going to do ILM?  You have some good advice here.  He still works in your company/office right?

No, He changed jobs over a year ago, though he still has a friend or two that I work with directly, they don't know our situation and luckily I don't have to discuss him with them.

As of right now, I haven't responded. I am 95% sure I won't respond. I'm working on that last 5% here

[ILMBPDC]

He might be genuinely concerned about you daughter, but also clueless about your emotions. That's typical, but he might also be looking to connect. Or both.

Honestly it may be both but I am really leaning toward the latter because if he was truly concerned why would he reach out now?  For context - she broke her leg/ankle in late August on a Sunday and had to have surgery that Friday. My last FB update, less than 2 weeks ago, was that the doctor said she was able to start PT and start putting pressure on her leg - basically well on her way to healed. It would have made sense for him to reach out when it happened or when she had surgery. But now?  There is literally nothing to update and nothing to be concerned about.  I can only assume he is using her as an excuse to reach out because I haven't been posting anything else on social media for him to latch on to.

He saw that you read his message.

Hmmm, interesting thought - I just saw the  notification with the message and swiped it so I don't think it even shows as read.

If you're truly done, then trash future messages, block, or send a BIFF response: "she's on the mend and well, thanks for asking. I also wish you well, but please do not contact me in the future." Then ignore.

I've thought about just sending a bland "she's doing well, thanks" response but I think that any response, for me at least, is opening myself up to him so I think I need to just ignore it.

[ILMBPDC]

For instance (that's the one that struck me the most, one I'm very familiar with) :
- it would be rude not to answer ;
I for one struggle with that "not being rude" (being non-confrontational, being nice, etc.) also. But I have come to recognize that "not being rude" to someone who has hurt you in the past is an excuse. It's absolutely ok to "be rude" (in fact, it is : to be firm).

Yes - we are socialized to not be rude and I think for women its even worse. We are expected to take a lot of   because pushing back is "rude" and I'm honestly sick of it - but it's still so ingrained in my brain its hard to get over that feeling.

He discarded you 13 weeks ago, if you're using that term, "discard", it probably means he did it in a rather rude way. So he has crossed the line and now doesn't deserve to be shielded from your anger : it would be ok to ignore him, however rude you think it may be.

Thank you for this - it is absolutely true - he was brutal and had zero regard for my feelings so why should I have any regard for his?  (Actually this is something I am trying to unpack - why do I still care?  I have dated many men before and was able to let them go after a few weeks of hurt at the dissolution of a relationship...but this is beyond me, I really don't understand this hold he has over me, even now)

I also believe this : it would be ok for you to now implement No Contact from your side and ignore him for 13 weeks. That's YOUR discard now.

I love this. Its payback time beyotch

Whatever you choose to do : don't forget to PUT YOURSELF FIRST and take excellent care of yourself !

This is something I am working on - learning to put myself first and this is as good of time as any to exercise my new skills

The question now becomes : is HE worthy to talk to ?

Oh boy, this one is hard because I still believe that deep down he is a good person. We had great conversations and got along well and had a lot in common (or was that the mirroring? - that's another thing I can't wrap my head around). We are in the same field - we used to work together in data analytics/data science - and honestly there aren't a lot of people I can discuss this stuff with, most people's eyes glaze over if I start getting too nerdy .
There were reasons I loved him (beyond how his love-bombing made me feel) and those aspects about him haven't changed. And this is what makes this so hard for me.  I have to just keep reminding myself that the bad outweighs the good, that I cannot deal with another brutal discard and that he doesn't have the emotional capacity to have a good relationship and the *I* don't have the ability to let go of the emotional pain to be "just friends".

[once removed]

discarding someone and ignoring them are not skills. theyre the silent treatment.

doing unto someone as they did unto us, not as wed have them do unto us, isnt consistent with virtually anyones values.

ILMBPDC, its perfectly fine if youve determined that its for the best of both of you not to respond to this inquiry. i cut someone off once, and it went against everything i knew and believe in, and i didnt really feel like i had a choice. i ultimately determined it was the best thing for both of us, but i felt bad, nonetheless. sometimes you do the right thing and deal with the hard feelings it results in.

ive also thought about it numerous times as it applies to my ex. the hard feelings are long gone. i could be friends with her. she hasnt reached out or tried to in many years and i, personally, am content to leave it there.

youve worked hard here on exploring yourself and the lessons you want to take into the next relationship. a wise member here once told me that good mental health is about learning to make better decisions.

so i would ask, what is your basis for this decision? is it for the better of both of you? is it to stick it to him? is it because its payback time, beyotch? 

[ILMBPDC]

so i would ask, what is your basis for this decision? is it for the better of both of you? is it to stick it to him? is it because its payback time, beyotch? 

No, that was more a tongue in cheek statement. The basis for this decision is that I am currently still quite codependent, I know that the second he asked to see me I would drop everything and go, I know that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship. This honestly is self-preservation more than anything.
I am friends with exes of mine, its not that I think being friends or having contact with an ex is a bad thing in general - but this particular man has an unhealthy hold on me, and he doesn't even have to do anything to achieve that. I don't understand it at all but as I said in the original post, I wish he had waited a few more months, I am just not healed enough to be strong at this point and attempting contact would be a slippery slope for me.
I know I am assuming his intentions, but I feel like I have to do that. Assume the worst in order to protect myself from the worst - kind of like insurance.

[Newdawnnewday]

So, ILMBPDC, from what you have described, it appears that this course of action is what would be most careful : "better safe than sorry", and thus, most beneficial to you.

At this point, you don't have to make a decision taking into account what's best for the both of you : this is a line of thought that would feed your codependency.

In my opinion, you need to make a decision that is best : FOR YOU and that allows you to protect yourself.

He has already made a decision 13 weeks ago, to cut off all contact.

Now, you have the absolute right to do the same and not respond to his message. It's absolutely ok ! No worries there.

And also, it's ok to reclaim power and decide that this is now YOUR turn to take care of YOURSELF and do what's RIGHT FOR YOU and no more, wondering what he is up to, what he wants, etc.

It's YOUR life, to do what you like and want with it.

Take care ! And good job thinking all of this through and making self-preservation a priority !

[once removed]

I am just not healed enough to be strong at this point and attempting contact would be a slippery slope for me.

thats a perfectly valid reason not to respond, or to hold off. generally speaking, the more we feel that way, at least temporarily, the higher walls we ought to erect. its sort of like sure, i could look at my exs social media now, but at the time it would send me into a tailspin, and i needed to avoid that.

i saw that you did end up responding. im glad it went well enough.