Warrant for his arrest

[Frankee]

I decided to start a new topic due to the sheer craziness.  Within the past month, my exbph tried to overdose on cocaine and trazadone.  He ended up either calling 911 or taking himself to the hospital.  They held him on 48 hour suicide watch.  Then got angry at me that I didn't care of even call the police.  Then messaged me and left voicemails during another "suicide attempt".  Then asked me for help, asked if he could come home to me and the boys.  Proceeded to say he would do supervised visits and got hostile so I told him that he was.  And he snapped.

Told me that when he has supervised visits he would tell the boys that he tried to kill himself and it was my fault and I was just going to let him die.  Started to message my parents, messaging me, cussing me out, calling me selfish, stupid, telling me I was hurting the kids.  The next day said he was going to sign over his parental rights, said f*** me, my family, the kids, his family.  Stated he regretted ever letting S5 being born to this family, told me a bug that crawled in his ear telling him what I was doing.

His family apparently has had enough of his nonsense and started freaking out and saying I was the reason they were saying horrible things. Said f*** me and the kids, and his family again.  Next day apologized, saying he loved us all and how sorry he was, he lost his mind.  Then when I wouldn't cave, he started the gaslighting and guilt tripping, that this is all my fault, I'm keeping them away.  Tried to make me feel bad for not asking if he was okay during all this hospital mental health illness, kept calling me cold hearted and cruel, said I was hurting him too much, asked me to stop being mean.  When I wouldn't cave to these tactics, he said f*** it, I will film my death, because he knows that's what I want, he would of never done this to me.  Next day said he's alive, when he dies and leaves this miserable earth, it will be my fault, hopes S5 reminds me of him ever day (luckily I have been able to dissociate his face from S5), and he would get his revenge.

When I sent all these messages to my caseworker from the DV shelter, everyone jumped on board.  I applied with an advocacy project that has picked up my case is going to help me with my divorce.  I went with my caseworker to the local PD with my PO and the messages all printed out showing the threats and clear violation of the PO.  I had a strong enough case so they have issued a warrant for his arrest, violating the PO.  I got a phone call from another caseworker and said I fit requirements for housing assistance and I have a phone interview with them this afternoon.  I am also going to start going back to a counselor.

I still have days where I struggle so hard to function or do even the smallest of things.  I try to be kind to myself and say that it's okay.  I sometimes forget on how much I have accomplished this past year and reminding myself on how far I have come.  I may still have to deal with him because of S5, but at least I am free and safe with my boys.

[formflier]

You have come a long way!

My "worry" for you is for you to be deliberate about  "kindness to yourself"...your mind...your body...EVERY DAY!

Because...the stress of reading, collating, presenting..following up on...all of these crazy messages is going to take a toll.  I do think you are right to press forward on all this...and I also would feel much better if you could tell us stuff you are doing to "de stress"...each day.

Maybe just deep breathing...light exercise...

We are all cheering you on!

Best,

FF

[kells76]

When I sent all these messages to my caseworker from the DV shelter, everyone jumped on board.  I applied with an advocacy project that has picked up my case is going to help me with my divorce.  I went with my caseworker to the local PD with my PO and the messages all printed out showing the threats and clear violation of the PO.  I had a strong enough case so they have issued a warrant for his arrest, violating the PO.  I got a phone call from another caseworker and said I fit requirements for housing assistance and I have a phone interview with them this afternoon.  I am also going to start going back to a counselor.

Same as FF... proud of your strength. I hear so much backbone in what you're pressing forward with and doing. You've had ups and downs with the support that organizations have provided to you, and when stuff fell through, that was really difficult. Yet here you are coming back and stepping up and not letting discouragement stop you from trying and succeeding.

I still have days where I struggle so hard to function or do even the smallest of things.  I try to be kind to myself and say that it's okay.

That's awesome that you have a caring, nurturing inner voice, to give yourself empathy. Keep listening to it.

I am free and safe with my boys.

 

I wonder if you can get some relaxation and positive time with the boys at Halloween -- enjoying costumes/pumpkins? Something where they're having fun and distracted, and you can give yourself time to not think about "all the other stuff".

So glad you came back with an update and that you guys are safe...

kells76

[Cat Familiar]

I’m glad to hear from you Frankee. You’ve had a lot of defining moments from him, but this one takes the cake! The best thing to remind yourself is that you extracted yourself from a very unhealthy situation and you prevailed! 

You’ve gone through much hardship since then, but his recent behavior sealed the deal and now you’ve got the authorities on your side. They now recognize what an unstable person he is and they’re determined to assist you in providing a better life for you and your boys.

It’s got to be hard knowing how he is spiraling downwards, but he’s responsible for the choices he’s made. Perhaps when he hits bottom, he will realize his part and begin to make some better choices. None of that is your responsibility, as you well know, but undoubtedly you’ve been affected by his out of control behavior.

I still think of my abusive ex and wish him well, though I’m very glad I’ll never have to see him again. I hope that you can have a feeling of safe distance from your ex throughout your children’s boyhood.

[ForeverDad]

The next day said he was going to sign over his parental rights

If he later says this again, this may be an option to keep crazy out of your lives in the future, once the divorce is final.  However, a lawyer would have to advise you whether he can still be obligated to pay child support once he would end parental rights.

You probably should be talking with him *only* about parenting matters, nothing more.  Whatever the PO limits him from doing, you should do similarly.  If he can talk about nothing except parenting, then you do likewise.  Once you have a lawyer for your divorce, you can ask your lawyer to handle any such needed divorce process contact.

Let me add one more observation.  By now you've concluded there's no way to repair this marriage, much less a relationship.  So beware of any pressure or inclination to withdraw whatever reports you've had to file.  Yes, he got arrested, but that's on him.  He did it to himself.  Don't back down from protecting yourself.  If you retreat, you know he won't be appreciative.

[Frankee]

Thank you for all the support.  While I have my ups and downs, I still take time to appreciate all the wonderful things that I have gained.  I know finances have been a hard hitter, but I have a couple applications out for housing assistance and every day I pray that something good happens with one of them.  I do have savings as a cushion to keep me afloat, so I am not fully concerned, but I don't like going into my savings.

Because...the stress of reading, collating, presenting..following up on...all of these crazy messages is going to take a toll.  I do think you are right to press forward on all this...and I also would feel much better if you could tell us stuff you are doing to "de stress"...each day..

We are all cheering you on!

I've been going to the gym about twice a week.  I have been pushing myself and I find that I feel very good afterwards.  The physical strength to me isn't just about looking better, but it helps my soul feel stronger. I read his messages and while it is mentally exhausting, at times I read the messages and it reminds me of why I left, why I am pushing so hard to make a better life for myself.

You’ve gone through much hardship since then, but his recent behavior sealed the deal and now you’ve got the authorities on your side. They now recognize what an unstable person he is and they’re determined to assist you in providing a better life for you and your boys.

It’s got to be hard knowing how he is spiraling downwards, but he’s responsible for the choices he’s made. Perhaps when he hits bottom, he will realize his part and begin to make some better choices.

In a way I am glad he did what he did.  Becoming unhinged.  He blatantly violated a court order document.  Now I have so much evidence built up that I feel I have a real fighting chance. 

I don't think he will ever change.  I can see now that he is finally accepting that this really was the last time, that I'm not coming back like all the times before.  And I think that has absolutely crushed him.  I have taken away ever bit of control he has ever had, over me and over the boys.  He can no longer guilt, manipulate, or scare me into getting his way and that has turned his world upside down.

You probably should be talking with him *only* about parenting matters, nothing more.  Whatever the PO limits him from doing, you should do similarly.

Let me add one more observation.  By now you've concluded there's no way to repair this marriage, much less a relationship.  So beware of any pressure or inclination to withdraw whatever reports you've had to file.  Yes, he got arrested, but that's on him.  He did it to himself.  Don't back down from protecting yourself.  If you retreat, you know he won't be appreciative.

I probably should of included in my original post.  The entire time he has been carrying on like this, the only thing I has ever said was.. this app is for communication for the kids, I will only discuss supervised visits, only contact me about the kids, and my final one was ..stop contacting me about anything except for the kids, if he does not cease and desist, I will file harassment charges.  When I talked to the first officer about it, he told me that once I said that last part, then I must stop communication.  If I restarted the conversation about anything else, I wouldn't have a case.  So I took his advice and that's why I was able to get the warrant for his arrest so fast.

It has taken a lot of mental strength, but I am pushing forward with everything.  I stayed strong with the assault case, the PO, and the warrant for the violation.  I am being relentless with my fight to get him to stop and stay away. 

[Cat Familiar]

  Frankee

[GaGrl]

I sense a backbone and resolve that has developed over the past year. I'm so proud of you and what you've done in your healing!

[formflier]

When you get a chance...what is status of the assault case?  That seems to have been lingering for a while...do they have an explanation that makes sense?

Solid working following advice of professionals involved!

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so proud of you, Frankee. You didn't take the bait and you held your ground despite everything he threw at you. That's hard, but you did it

By sending you these messages, he's exposed himself to authorities that can get an inside look into the absolute insanity you have been exposed to and the danger he poses to you and the kids. He basically admitted to a plan to emotionally abuse S5. He gifted you with that and you took it and let it open doors for you. Amazing. It's poetic justice.

[formflier]

And if I'm understanding this correctly...he did it "inside" the app that is supposed to monitor your communications.  Is that right or was he texting you "on the side"?

Best,

Allen

[Frankee]

I sense a backbone and resolve that has developed over the past year. I'm so proud of you and what you've done in your healing!

Thank you   I made a promise to myself when I left this last time.  There was no going back, no matter what it took, this was going to be the last time.

When you get a chance...what is status of the assault case?  That seems to have been lingering for a while...do they have an explanation that makes sense?

Solid working following advice of professionals involved!

He plead guilty to the charge.  I feel he didn't receive severe enough punishment.  I wish they had thrown him in jail longer, but the records say, CSCD(Community Supervision and Corrections Department) 12 Months with Community Service of 24 Hours.  Between the Guilty plea and open warrant for PO violation, he keeps stacking up the evidence against himself.

He basically admitted to a plan to emotionally abuse S5. He gifted you with that and you took it and let it open doors for you. Amazing. It's poetic justice.

He recently messaged and complaining that he still has to do supervised visits and tried to say he was a good father.  He also came back and after everything he said about the kids, stated.. Yeah, I said a bad thing after trying for a year. You drove me crazy. Basically saying I was the reason he behaved in such a manner.. typical behavior for him.

He has been texting me through the App that was ordered for court monitoring.  That's what blows my mind is that he knows it's court monitored, but I also feel he thinks that since so much time has passed, that nobody really pays attention to it. 

I found out that a public housing application I did isn't going to work at my current apartments.  There was a possibility that I could get approved, but I would have to move again.  That isn't even a possibility.  My kids are walking such a delicate mental health line, that uprooting them again right now would just be devastating.  I told them they were safe here, no more running, no more moving, this is their home.  Just going to have to keep trying other ways.

[formflier]

Have you gotten on the section 8 waiting list?

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

I don't know if I am getting on the list.  If I get approved for Section8, I would have to find a new place to live. I have another program I am working with for rent relief.  They have called a couple times to verify information, so I am hoping that is good news.  I know it would help if I got section 8, but I'm just not willing to pack up my entire life and move again.  So tired of moving and running.

He did get picked up and put in jail for the warrant.  He messaged on the app wanting to know if the reason for the warrant was because he asked for phone calls with the boys.  I was baffled.  The violation was for his insane threatening behavior when he had that mental break, but all he said was that he was in a bad place, he spent most of the time in the mental hospital, and didn't really know what he was saying.  I have been limiting how much I am checking the app, because after I saw that, I about lost my mind.

I have found myself struggling this past week.  S11's birthday was Saturday and had the party Sunday.  Not as many kids showed up as I had hoped, but they still had a good time.  I have been feeling spread thin and emotionally tapped out.  I have been struggling, but taking on day at a time.

[Rev]

Hi Frankee!

I have nothing in the way of comments on this thread - lot's of great people already comment.

I just wanted to say "Soo great to see your name" here.


Big hugs or high fives or jump up and down with joy - or whatever craziness works for you.


Rev.

PS - Good for you. Hang in there. One foot in front of the other - all that stuff we all need to remind ourselves to do   

[Frankee]

Thank you to everyone, you all have been so supportive.  This forum has been my safe haven and the one place I know I can turn to for help.  One chapter has closed and new one has opened.  Smear campaign.  It has begun.  A friend of mine from back in my home state sent me a picture of my butt.  He said, I found a picture of you.  I was shocked and asked him where the heck he got that.  He said Facebook.  He sent me all the screenshots of my exbph making posting about his biker days and wanting to go back.  My exbph made all of this public so anyone can see. Letters to the kids and I love you poem to his ex wife (me).  Posts pictures of me with the kids, then in another post he posted a giant picture of my butt.  You can't see my face, but everyone knows it is me.

The next post, he was talking about his new girlfriend who is going through a hard time.  Tells a story of how she invited him over, goes crazy on him, pull a shotgun on him, threatens to shoot him, tells him to get out, he calls the cops on her, says the cops won't do anything, etc etc.  Right after his storytime, he tops off with, my ex wife has done exactly crazy things to me and I am still dealing with it to this day.  I went on my second facebook account and reported the post he made with my butt plastered all over.

I'm not saying anything to anyone.  I'm not telling anyone I know what he posted or what he saying.  I am not going to get crazy, I am not going to get upset, I am not going to do this.. well he did this, he did that.  I already know that is exactly what he wants.  He wants me to find out, get upset, start acting crazy (as he is portraying me) and fuel his campaign.  I'm giving him no fuel.  Anyone who matters in my life, knows the truth, and knows who he really is.  I saved the screenshots of his facebook posts and going to show my caseworkers and legal aid people.  I refuse to get caught up in any of this gaslighting and pity party.

I'm going to need prayers.  With him starting this smear campaign and attempt to make me look like the crazy one that was abusive and took the kids away, I'm going to have to be prepared for anything that comes my way.

[Rev]

I'm going to need prayers.  With him starting this smear campaign and attempt to make me look like the crazy one that was abusive and took the kids away, I'm going to have to be prepared for anything that comes my way.

Hi Frankee ...

Prayers for a hedge of protection and for resilience on the journey.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

What you described him posting on FB is surely a “tell” that he’s got issues. Certainly people that know you both will be informed that he’s not doing well.

Those who support his narrative are not people you want on your side anyway. And the people who support you will be disgusted by what he’s doing.

Sorry you’re having to see this crap, but he’s definitely burning his bridges with you as far as coparenting.

My ex did a smear campaign against me, but it only made him look bad to the people who knew us both. 

[Rev]

What you described him posting on FB is surely a “tell” that he’s got issues. Certainly people that know you both will be informed that he’s not doing well.

Those who support his narrative are not people you want on your side anyway. And the people who support you will be disgusted by what he’s doing.

Sorry you’re having to see this crap, but he’s definitely burning his bridges with you as far as coparenting.

My ex did a smear campaign against me, but it only made him look bad to the people who knew us both. 

There's lots of wisdom in that. Mine did the same - it lasts for a while and then goes away. Some people kept their distance for a time - can't blame them for that - and they're all back now.

Rev

[I Am Redeemed]

He's unraveling. Keep steady, as you are doing.

All he's doing is proving to authority figures that he isn't a safe parent.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, I have been off this site for some time, and I am so pleased that you are moving forward in your life.  All these things will be for the better.  Many, many hugs and support for you and your future.

[Frankee]

I ended up telling my old friend what happened with him trying to kill himself, blaming me, and that he got thrown in jail for violating a protective order.  I apologized to my friend and said I shouldn't be getting upset about it.  My old friend knew my ex back in the day and knows how he really is.  He said he was sorry to hear I was going through all of this.

I got chatting with my friend and ended up having a break down.  He is such a good man.  He married his girlfriend (who I kept hearing that they weren't getting along that great), just so he could legally adopt her son and be his dad.  He was willing to be with a woman who everyone could see, didn't deserve him.  I've always thought so highly of this friend and there was times back when we would all hang out, I would look at him and think I should be with him, not my ex.  But in the beginning, I loved my ex, more than anything.  Now looking back, I see that I could of had a chance at possibly a better, happier life, if I had followed my instinct and left my ex for who I knew was a better man.  I don't have a lot of regret, but that one really hurt something awful.

The upside is that after some digging, I was able to pull up the court records and find his current address.  I now know he is still in the same city and which apartments he is living in.