Social media attacks

[Depression = 72% of members]

 I posted the back story  that I’m in the recycling phase with my uBPD gf who is the mother of my S3. Still working on legal papers for Parenting Plan to protect my rights to my son.

 Over the last couple weeks my uBPD partner has been posting covert attacks on social media. One of her friends who has a long history of using her has been chiming in openly attacking me. The attacks have no factual merits but unfortunately my family and friends can see them. I never engaged or commented but I did ask her in messages to remove that person. I don’t want to go public with the separation because I’m worried about the abandonment mechanics kicking in and jeopardize signing the papers.

  She immediately went off on me saying that I’m breaking up with her ( I know that sounds complicated but it’s Oz land ). I told her I will not sit here and be emotionality abused publicly on social media. She kept going in the usual BPD tactics. I’m in a tough position. She is been staying with people she had previously had sexual contact with but I’m not worried about fidelity at this point. I just want to somehow get to the papers signing with the least damage possible. Being “together” on social media gives credibility to the delusions and allows her friend to take shots at me in front of my family and friends.

 Telling her it’s me or the friend caused a circular argument. Should I hold my grounds or pretend nothing happened ? Again  Public break up is not an option as it may jeopardize signing peacefully .

[NotAHero]

 I posted the back story  that I’m in the recycling phase with my uBPD gf who is the mother of my S3. Still working on legal papers for Parenting Plan to protect my rights to my son.

 Over the last couple weeks my uBPD partner has been posting covert attacks on social media. One of her friends who has a long history of using her has been chiming in openly attacking me. The attacks have no factual merits but unfortunately my family and friends can see them. I never engaged or commented but I did ask her in messages to remove that person. I don’t want to go public with the separation because I’m worried about the abandonment mechanics kicking in and jeopardize signing the papers.

  She immediately went off on me saying that I’m breaking up with her ( I know that sounds complicated but it’s Oz land ). I told her I will not sit here and be emotionality abused publicly on social media. She kept going in the usual BPD tactics. I’m in a tough position. She is been staying with people she had previously had sexual contact with but I’m not worried about fidelity at this point. I just want to somehow get to the papers signing with the least damage possible. Being “together” on social media gives credibility to the delusions and allows her friend to take shots at me in front of my family and friends.

 Telling her it’s me or the friend caused a circular argument. Should I hold my grounds or pretend nothing happened ? Again  Public break up is not an option as it may jeopardize signing peacefully .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stolencrumbs]

I think it's a good move to not respond to any of this publicly.

Do you have good relationships with the family and friends you're worried about seeing this? If so, maybe just talk to them and tell them what's going on, and let her friend do what she wants on social media.

My stbexw mounted a pretty persistent smear campaign. It wasn't on social media, but she sent emails to my boss (multiple times), my mom (many dozens of times), and at various points, the entire email list she had from our wedding, so lots and lots of family and friends. I reached out to the ones I felt it worth reaching out to and told them what was going on. I think that was effective, and stbexw didn't have to know anything about it. She didn't have to be a part of those discussions at all.

One thing having those conversations helped me realize is how little most of those people cared, believed, or even paid attention to anything she was saying. I suspect the same is true of social media posts.

[NotAHero]

Stolencrumbs  thank you for your reply.

  Honestly while most of my family and friends know me enough to understand it is still embarrassing that I’m in a relationship with someone like that. In a way  I’m embarrassed for her more than for myself. Especially that she is the mother of my child…

 My greater fear though is that her “friend” may derail the entire agreement about my child custody as the BPD is buying into reinforcing her delusions. That’s why I made it about the friend not her.

[stolencrumbs]

Stolencrumbs  thank you for your reply.

  Honestly while most of my family and friends know me enough to understand it is still embarrassing that I’m in a relationship with someone like that. In a way  I’m embarrassed for her more than for myself. Especially that she is the mother of my child…

 My greater fear though is that her “friend” may derail the entire agreement about my child custody as the BPD is buying into reinforcing her delusions. That’s why I made it about the friend not her.

I definitely get the worry, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks.

My experience was that letting stbexw know that this was something that bothered me made it worse. It gave away that it was leverage to use. So I agree that you want to keep things from blowing up. It's worth thinking about how the various alternatives are most likely to play out. If whatever the friend says gets no reaction or response from you, is that more or less likely to make things worse than making it clear that you are upset about what the friend is saying?

[Notwendy]

Unfortunately, you can't control what she posts. I suppose if it got slanderous, to the point where it might impact your livelihood you could take legal action but otherwise, I think a response to it might add fuel to the drama.

There are several friends who I have not seen due to the pandemic, but I follow them on social media to keep the connection. One acquaintance posted some accusation about someone- and at first I thought "how awful" but then she started posting untrue things and her friends corrected her, she called them names and told them to unfriend her. Then she began posting strange things about another group and separated herself from them too.

Now, I am starting to question the validity of any of her posts due to the tone and language of them and that she's posting personal drama. And I also now have decided it's best to keep a distance from this person due to these posts.

What is going on with these social media attacks is classic triangle. You are the persecutor. She's enlisting her circle of rescuers. Your partner has found a friend who aligns with her as rescuer.

As to social media - when people post personal drama, or create drama, I start to wonder about their boundaries and judgment. I think you can trust that the more she posts - the more people will become wary of this. Looking at the acquaintance's posts, I see them as   . If it's harmful to you, take legal action. Otherwise, if it just bothers you, consider not being reactive to it as that may be positive reinforcement to her.  

[once removed]

if you are in the process of reconciling, then whatever baggage has been behind the previous breakups is probably still there, and trust is low.

She immediately went off on me saying that I’m breaking up with her ( I know that sounds complicated but it’s Oz land ). I told her I will not sit here and be emotionality abused publicly on social media.

these are really reactive, high conflict responses to each other that suggest trust is still at a low.

if you want to change dynamics, you have to find a more constructive way than has been utilized in the past. and even that can take some time.

for example, every relationship, from time to time, has a "check in", a talk about their relationship and where it stands, where its not working, where it can improve, that sort of thing. it may look different from couple to couple, or it may be more or less in depth depending on the context.

the case to make, i think, is when things arent heated, and her guard is down, to talk about whats constructive for your relationship and what isnt. slagging you on social media isnt. and presumably, you believe, and want the relationship to be better, above that sort of thing. there are an awful lot of people that just naturally air dirty laundry on social media. you have to appeal to someones better senses if you want to get them to stop doing that sort of thing.

having said that, in the short term, if what shes posting is sort of ambiguous, i would not only avoid reading it, but id avoid reacting, as part of my strategy to nip it in the bud. the way to deal with dramatic sort of triangulation in a relationship is to be cool and neutral. telling your loved one "its me or her" only polarizes things. if your relationship is good and strong, her friend becomes neutralized, and far less of an influence in your relationship.

[NotAHero]

Once removed

 I do see and understand your point. The problem is I can’t help but have resentment when in just under 2 months she has escalated her behavior to a degree where there is something new every week. I don’t know what to do. If I don’t react she escalates if I do react she projects, blames and escalates too.

 The “me or her” is just a desperate attempt to slow her down while I work on legal matters like the parenting plan. I’m moving on with separation while keeping  other options open because we have a child. I don’t understand what she is doing but my best guesses it’s one of 3 things:

1- She is trying out others but they are probably using her and leaving so she keeps coming back to me

2- She is trying to control me by subjugating me through FOG, projecting , hurting me then playing victim or like was said on the thread the victim-persecutor - rescuer triangle

3- She  is “love testing “ me and its all a big bluff.

 I can’t tell and I wish I could so I can have closure

[Cat Familiar]

Certainly it could be all of those possibilities you listed. Likely there’s no overarching strategy. PwBPD are reactive and responding to internal emotional cues, often to things for which we have no understanding nor control.