I felt like no one would ever understand

[tippyfromafrica]

I felt for such a long time that no one would ever understand just how extremely miserable my mother made me. In high school I remember struggling with self-esteem, issues with friends and general mood problems. But by far my biggest stressor was my mom - she made me feel like I was crazy, incapable of forming healthy long-term relationships to anyone. She told me once I was schizophrenic because the way I remembered a past argument was so wildly different from her version. I felt smothered by incessant drama. She always had multiple legal or personal fights going and she would drag these out in hour long recollections and rants to me. I was sometimes an "angel-child" and sometimes I "treated her like a slave and abused her" within the span of an evening. I remember telling a joke in the car once and suddenly having an extremely intense reaction of rage from her - I was 15 at the time and I could not tell you what I had said or done to aggravate her like that, she would not tell me. I have so many incomprehensible stories from the time I spent with my mom. When a therapist told me some years ago (when I was 18) that it sounds like BPD I looked to the internet for people who might be able to understand how utterly confusing and terrifying it is growing up with a BPD mother. It felt like I was reading my own story. Feeling less alone in this has been important to me. I really want to the affects this psychological abuse has had on me (I am soon turning 24). More than anything I want to build healthy, loving relationships with partners, friends and my family members that are free of the guilt, shame and emotional reactions I developed as a child...

[zachira]

We want to extend a warm welcome to our community while understanding the sad circumstances that bring you here. There are many members on PSI with a mother with BPD, who have been here seeking support and helping others, some for several years. So many people do not get it that they have a mother with BPD until they are in the later years of life. You are about to turn 24, and have many years ahead of you to heal from the abuse you have suffered at the hands of your mother and make healthy relationships with people who treat you with respect and kindness. There is no limit on length of posts and how often you can post. You are not alone. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi tippyfromafrica, 

I'd like to join zachira in giving you a big welcome! Yes, we certainly do understand, and thank you for sharing some of your story with us. My mom was also uBPD, so I really do get it. The effect upon us is huge.

Keep.posting!
Wools

[HappyChappy]

Hi tippyfromafrica
A warm welcome to the forum 
You'll find most of us on here understand because people with BPD share well documented behavioural patterns. Well done on figuring it out so young, I was in my 40's when I realised. I look forwards to seeing more of your posts.