Just remind me ...

[HappyChappy]

I have CPTSD from BPD mum and I was seriously re-traumatized recently. Made the fatal mistake of admitting to my BPD mum that I had poor cognition and felt vulnerable. This resulted in her calling with complicated Emergencies every other day - that only I could solve. Because I wasn't compos mentus I foolishly kept explaining why I wasn't well, which just pointed out my triggers to her - so she went overboard bashing them. Which reminded me, my BPD and NPD can't change - why do I keep forgetting ! She triangulates my kids - despite the fact she's not seen them for 5 years, she was still telling me how well one is behaving and how the other should be punished for behaviour she assumed he must be doing.  

My sister and I foolishly challenged my mum about various events during childhood - but now she's in he 80's her excuses are sometimes desperate. I see the desperate look on her face when she realises her excuse makes no sense, she clearly can't accept any fault/guilt at any cost. So after we challanaged her, she spend the next few weeks punching the crap out of my CPTSD triggers (I'm the scape goat) and here I am, ill again.  She's completely blanking my sister (the lost child). And complains repeatedly about how her golden child keeps treating her like muck. I know what's going on and yet it still triggers me (probably due to being retraumatised).

Never point out their lies - that's the rule isn't it ? We have to leave them to their total and utter denial don't we ? They would rather destroy you than issue an apology, prisons are full of people that never admit or apologies ? My therapist has suggested I write it down and accept my BPD / NPD combo are best avoided - simple as that.

[zachira]

It is a life long sorrow to be invisible to your mother no matter how old you are and how long it has been since you realized your mother has BPD and you have C PTSD. My mother who is deceased had BPD and I have C PTSD, and you are far from alone in this, as there are many others on PSI whose challenges are very similar to yours.
I personally believe that part of recovery is behaving more and more like a normal person with everybody, expecting and asking for validation and empathy even when there is no possibility of it sometimes. As we get further along in recovery, we naturally attract healthier people into our lives, and become less interesting to the more disordered people who are incapable of emotionally reciprocal relationships. The disordered family members are in our lives only because they are family. If it were any other kind of relationship, our healthier self would run for the hills.
It is normal to keep wanting deep down inside to be validated by your mother, as we only have one mother and our relationship with her builds the foundation for the kind of self esteem we will have throughout our lives. My mother with BPD is deceased and I still kept the hope inside that she would sometimes see me for who I was until the day she passed.
Be kind to yourself when seeking validation from your mother that you will never get. Most of the time, you will not do it, and there will just be moments when you reach out hoping for a different response.
 

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry. My BPD mother seizes on any vulnerabilities and becomes verbally cruel.

I have learned to just not let her in on my personal emotional world. It's not a safe thing to do.

My mother has a lot of NPD traits. Empathy is not in her capacity.

I think we all have some level of PTSD from our experiences. Once an irate parking attendant yelled at me when I didn't park in the spot she told me to. I may not have understood her instructions but I don't recall because I went into panic mode. Someone else may have just brushed it off as she had a bad day and reparked the car but for me, I just panicked.

Maybe it was her voice, or the anger in it, but my response to this was to panic. I was parked and the car was not moving, nobody could be hurt. She was just irate- probably having a bad day but it took me a while to calm down.

Your mother's response to you is not about you. She's just not capable of the kind of relationship you wish to have with her. Mine isn't either. Take care

[poppy2]

Hi HappyChappy,

This sounds really tough. Although I don't have a family member (at least, I think not) I have basically given up on my mother ever realizing anything. The last thing she said to be was, 'but you had a pretty normal childhood' and this is where I broke off contact with her - I experienced this as somebody in total denial, but it's possible she even believed it, which makes it worse. I suppose it wasn't normal for me, and all of these behaviors aren't normal for you, and that's the important thing to hold on to.

It's clear she can't change, but I think your desire to have her recognition or sympathy is totally valid... just not the next step, when it's attached to someone who will always let you down. I keep going back and back, in different ways, to that same lesson, and also wanted to validate your initial impulse. It isn't wrong to feel this way at all, but it is terrible it led to you being re-traumatized.

Can I also ask you something - in the combination of BPD/NPD, if you tell them you have an illness will they basically always make it about them, or hit the trigger deliberately? I curious because I felt my last pwBPD even 'couldn't handle it' when I had a clear need so she would escalate, to make an even deeper need of hers take priority, even 'borrowing' the need or issue I had and making it about her. It was a really weird behaviour that made me paranoid and I was wondering if, basically, your experience is the same. I never knew if it was on purpose or not, but reading your story makes me feel it was (in which case, I am furious about their self-absorption, it is beyond cruel).

I'm sorry to read that you're going through this, especially with an illness on top. I hope you feel a bit better today.

[HappyChappy]

I personally believe that part of recovery is behaving more and more like a normal person with everybody, expecting and asking for validation and empathy even when there is no possibility of it sometimes. As we get further along in recovery, we naturally attract healthier people into our lives...It is normal to keep wanting deep down inside to be validated by your mother,

Thanks - that's good advice, just needed reminding.

Once an irate parking attendant yelled at me when I didn't park in the spot she told me to.

being dyslexic and rubbish at tracking time, I keep getting parking tickets. It triggers my CPTSD because to this day my mum still says "Stop using    dyslexia as an excuse you're just too lazy to learn how to spell." 

This sounds really tough ...  It isn't wrong to feel this way at all, but it is terrible it led to you being re-traumatized.

Thanks - that does help.

Can I also ask you something - in the combination of BPD/NPD, if you tell them you have an illness will they basically always make it about them, or hit the trigger deliberately? I curious because I felt my last pwBPD even 'couldn't handle it' when I had a clear need so she would escalate, to make an even deeper need of hers take priority, even 'borrowing' the need or issue I had and making it about her. It was a really weird behaviour that made me paranoid and I was wondering if, basically, your experience is the same. I never knew if it was on purpose or not, but reading your story makes me feel it was (in which case, I am furious about their self-absorption, it is beyond cruel). 

Unfortunately your analysis is correct. My experience is the same as yours. It is purposeful behaviour (in that everything we do is on purpose). Someone with NPD plans it more and gets narcisstic supply (kicks) a bit like an internet troll does. Someone with BPD is more focused on getting attention (at any cost) so they can be more knee jerk, but my BPD also plans – for example hitting the triggers of the children she traumatised, she does this so skilfully. It's a way of getting us back into her web of F.O.G. But knowing all this isn’t enough, returning to this forum and having others remind me is necessary as we get re-traumatized.  Thanks for the advice and validation everyone, you are more of a family than my BPD mum 

[poppy2]

being dyslexic and rubbish at tracking time, I keep getting parking tickets. It triggers my CPTSD because to this day my mum still says "Stop using    dyslexia as an excuse you're just too lazy to learn how to spell." 

Hey HappyChappy, I'm all for dark humour, but I'd also like to say this is really unfair. I wonder how it's possible to change the sentence around: "Because the non-dyslexic world is anally retentive and punctual, they keep giving me parking tickets for running on my own time." Maybe it's their fault that they don't (fill in the blank of dyslexic worldview here), instead of the other way around.

Unfortunately your analysis is correct. My experience is the same as yours. It is purposeful behaviour (in that everything we do is on purpose). Someone with NPD plans it more and gets narcisstic supply (kicks) a bit like an internet troll does. Someone with BPD is more focused on getting attention (at any cost) so they can be more knee jerk, but my BPD also plans – for example hitting the triggers of the children she traumatised, she does this so skilfully. It's a way of getting us back into her web of F.O.G. But knowing all this isn’t enough, returning to this forum and having others remind me is necessary as we get re-traumatized.  Thanks for the advice and validation everyone, you are more of a family than my BPD mum 

Okay. You're the first person I met who could validate this (i.e. it really was the way I felt it was). I don't want to hijack your thread, so I won't go into the story here, but I think one day I'll need to post it to recover my sanity.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey HappyChappy,

I really wish I could give you a hug. Guess a virtual one will have to do.  I am so sorry that you're in this place of emotional pain right now. It's not fair. As if you haven't gone through enough so far in life.

Like NotWendy shared, I got yelled at by someone in a parking lot the other day. It was dark and I was backing into a parking spot by his truck and he yelled. I froze and just drove away to another parking spot away from everyone and sat there. It was as if I had done something wrong, but I hadn't hit his vehicle or done anything really. My mind wanted to shame me, but I reminded myself (even when voices of doubt crept in), that I really am a very good driver and there was no car in the place where I was attempting to park, and I probably would've been fine. Nonetheless, now I was extra fine because nothing had happened, and I was safe.

Something I learned in T has helped me: I have to follow the 4 rules.
Get out.
Get safe.
Stay safe.
I never have to go back.

Doesn't matter if it's an emotional getting safe or physical or mental. I have to (and I do mean have to keep myself safe. Therein lies a big key to keeping myself in a better place.

 
Wools

[HappyChappy]

Thanks wools.  

Poppy2 - sounds like you should talk it out. If you set up a thread, drop a link to it in this one (if you want). I'm not on here a lot, but would be interested in your story, especially if it's similar.

[poppy2]

Thanks wools.  

Poppy2 - sounds like you should talk it out. If you set up a thread, drop a link to it in this one (if you want). I'm not on here a lot, but would be interested in your story, especially if it's similar.

Thanks a lot for saying that. I will keep it in mind. I would really appreciate your opinion, if I do gather up the strength to post.