Seeking to understand the underlying causes

[Boogie74]

I often find myself piecing her early life slowly.   Her parents (mostly her mother) seem to operate without any concept of fairness or ethical/moral judgment.   Her parents operate with the idea of “Yes- they are racist/abusive but EVERYONE IS JUST DIFFERENT.”   They don’t interfere with anything to inject a sense of right and wrong.  

Example:  Something racist happens.   Response:  “Well, it’s not just white people that are racist”. Someone has something happen like a negligent accident.  Response: “Well, everyone is different and has things that distract them, you know”

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

What do you think that means for your partner Boogie?    How do you think this contributed?

[Boogie74]

What do you think that means for your partner Boogie?    How do you think this contributed?

I think that growing up in such an environment would foster a lack of trust in the concept of true justice.   I think it would cause a person to constantly search for validation of perceived wrongs and would likely cause someone to feel that there must always be an intentional fault in even benign accidents- as there was never any compassion for being hurt nor any support system to learn how to show empathy.   “Your brother stole your favorite donut and ate it?  Oh well, you weren’t fast enough!  Maybe not getting dessert while watching your brother eat double his share while I laugh at how entertaining that is will teach you not to rely on things being there when you expect them to be- too bad you’re only 3 and he’s 9!”

[Cat Familiar]

Beyond not having fairness, justice, empathy, ethics, morality modeled by a parental authority, it seems that the adults in her life were meanspirited.

[Boogie74]

Beyond not having fairness, justice, empathy, ethics, morality modeled by a parental authority, it seems that the adults in her life were meanspirited.

I agree.   And the crazy thing is that her mother and sister are evangelical Christians.   They believe that simply “accepting Jesus” gives them a get out of jail free card to be abusive and incorrigible.   

I’m a secular Jew- already had it explained that I’m going to hell- (which doesn’t scare me because I don’t believe in hell)

[NonnyMouse]

My uBPDw:

Had very young unmarried parents
Only met father twice
Mother abandoned her with alcoholic grandmother at age 3
Returned to mother
Abusive mother
Several abusive stepfathers
Abandoned abroad age 15
Taken in by kind, but completely chaotic family

So not a surprise that she has BPD.