BPD bf in two relationships. Seeking help

[serena.s]

Hello BPD family,

My situation is very complicated, I’ll briefly explain it, sorry for my poor English. The day the psychiatrist said my bf probably has BPD was the day after I took him to see a psychiatrist after finding out his lies. I dated him for 1.5 years. He was also dating his 7years partner when he was dating me. I didn’t know about her at all. We had been living together for more than one year and our relationship was great but sometimes he would question my love towards him which I thought was awkward. When I was four months pregnant he booked for marriage registration online and we went to make a booking. (I suspect that he probably chose this day to reveal what he was hiding)

Then, the same day, i found that he was with a girl all this time. The girl told me that they were supposed to sign papers on the day he hurt himself (this was about three months before), about two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

Afterwards, he told me that the girl of course won’t stay with him anymore and he was going through emotional episodes where he would look very depressed at random times. He would also asks me questions like how come I’m still with him when he did so much bad things, or says things like he just doesn’t understand, he doesn’t want anything. He would tell me that they still have things to discuss about so they would talk on the phone. During this month, he was “using excuses” that he needs to clear his mind, or he needs to stay closer to his workplace to see her. He was still hugging me to sleep when he is with me during this month. He started on TMS treatment to treat his depression.

About one month later, I found out he was still with the girl all this time and he told her how he is trying to talk things with me and leave my home. Once again, I was very upset but I don’t know why I just can’t walk away. He cancelled our registration date without telling me in advance and he showed the girl that he went to cancel it. His parents talked to the girl’s parents and her parents promised that they won’t meet again. It seems like they didn’t talk as much at night but I’m sure they still text and when he wants to go eat with her he would say to me he is going to eat alone, and I would ask him if he is eating with her he would admit it and he said they are not doing anything else.

Recently it seems like he’s hiding more with her, less talks he isn’t as sweet to me as before, he would still discuss his work things with me, doing things such as buying baby products, healthy food for pregnant moms. I was being supportive to him but once in awhile he would say things like he doesn’t want to stay at my place, he said he feels pressured.

This week he will be discussing plans with his parents, he had problems with his family due to working with his parents, his parents are manipulative and would nag for the smallest things or anything related to money. In a few days, the parents planned to pass the company to him, which they talked about pass on to him for a year already. I have seen him spending more recently and he had a history of borrowing money for stocks and owing a large sum of debt in the past. He explained to me that he needs time to think about his plans, he wants to borrow money from the bank to open his own shop, and he said he can’t sleep and needs a new environment to think about all his ideas and solve things related to work. Instead, this time he said my place was too comfortable for him to stay. He was saying about even he did the TMS and still he didn’t get better, and he would say things that he wants to isolate himself. He also said he would FaceTime me when he is in the hotel or I could go find him in the morning. First two nights I let him rent a hotel but the third night I found out he was lying about staying at a different hotel and I called the hotel the hotel staff told me that the room is booked under two names. I told him he is in a different hotel but I didn’t tell him that I found out the room is booked under two names. He said to me that I am a person who looks innocent on the outside but evil on the outside. I asked him why would I do things like that when I don’t get any benefits out of it and he told me that he always are cautious of other people without intention. The girl also told his mom weeks before that my bf was planning to rent a hotel for long term. His parents don’t like the girl because they know what kind of person she is and that she has intention to break us apart and wants for money. I was so angry about him lying and using my sympathy once again, so I told him we won’t see each other anymore.

Two nights after, I gave him a call because his mom was telling me that I am passing my lover to another woman and I was wrong to say goodbye. I know I still love him maybe because I just do or maybe because I want the baby to have a family or maybe I’m using his BPD as excuse for everything he did. I feel his mom is using it too. I gave him a call and told him I miss him and he said I could go find him at his workplace and we went to my home for dinner and at 11 he said it’s 11, he booked a hotel, I was telling him that I’m pregnant and I couldn’t sleep for two nights and I was crying for two nights, he asked me why. I told him that I was used to him being with me for all this time and that I need him. I asked if I could go to the hotel with him and I just need some sleep because I didn’t sleep for two nights, he said ok. When we arrived to the hotel he asked me why did I come with him. He said he left something in the car and took him 20minutes to go downstairs and come back. I think that’s probably when he gave the girl a call to let her know he went to the hotel. He came back to the room and he asked me what do I mean by we won’t see each other anymore, and he said “I thought you are leaving”. I said I was angry that he kept staying in hotel and I called him 50 times and he wouldn’t pick up. He didn’t continue the conversation. I also asked him if he missed me he said no, I asked if it’s because he is thinking so much about work he said yes. In the morning he hugged me when I asked for it.

He just started two sessions of DBT and right now, I’m so worried that he would leave my place. His mom said everything he did right now was because the girl is brainwashing him and forcing him to slowly leave me before the baby is born. Three months to my EDD I understand this relationship is toxic but I really want to help him because I don’t want him to be a mess in his life. I understand that he is the only person who can help himself and these problems are probably not all related to his BPD. I’m totally lost and I don’t know how to pull him back and if I push him away which I did for two nights, he probably think his belief is right, that I would leave him. He mentioned to me two months ago that he believes that I would leave him. The psychiatrist suggested me to leave him because he is just a selfish person. The psychologist did not suggest what I should do but he knows that I’m not willing to give up. His mom thinks I shouldn’t give up and I shouldn’t fall over the other girl’s tricks. His mom is also worried that he would fall over her tricks and she told me to smile at him and don’t be angry at him. She said if I am angry or sad I would fall for the other girl’s tricks but what I see is that he is slowly pulled by her. I’m not sure if he is devaluing me because brainwashed by the other girl? Or maybe he devalue me because he saw how I went crazy when I found out many times about the girl? Three weeks ago, I was on giving him a massage and he was whatsapping her. I got so mad and he said to me he doesn’t want to be with me but he didn’t leave. Is he slowly rejecting me? He told his mom he loves the baby and I can also see that. Does he want the baby only? Should I still treat him like nothing happened? Should I keep being sweet to him or cold? Psychiatrist said he doesn’t even know what he wants in his life. Psychologist said he wants a bit of everything. Should I set boundaries with him? He has no empathy and no morals, but I know I still want him to be here until the baby is born and to decide later on at least when my hormones is back to normal. It’s difficult for me to tolerate the pain now… please help me if you have any suggestions, please share to me. Thank you for your time and help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You understand that your ability to have a clear overview of this situation is affected by your hormones and the impending birth of your child.

That he is an unreliable partner seems evident, but that you are hoping he has some part in his child’s life is understandable. It seems apparent that his mother is on your side and would like you to continue in the relationship.

It’s a very difficult position to be in, to be pregnant and find your partner has been untrue to you the whole time. 

While it seems you don’t have to make any decisions at the moment, how about getting through the pregnancy and seeing how he behaves, then you’ll be more informed about how you want to proceed in the future.

How are the laws in your country about child support if the parents aren’t married?

[serena.s]

Thank you for your advice. Yes it is indeed very sad for me to be in this situation, especially all my feelings are magnified due to hormones. I just don’t understand what he is doing. At the beginning he told the psychiatrist that he doesn’t want anyone or anything. Then he kept lying to both sides, me and the woman and then he started to push me away maybe because he saw that I was so angry and I was throwing things when I found out they are still together. The psychiatrist told me that he told him that he put out some clues for me to notice what he is doing. His intention is to test me? Or is he just trying to push me away so I can be the one who says break up then he can be the victim? Can pwBPD be easily brainwashed? Because I haven’t said anything about the woman but the woman kept telling him things about me, i am worried that he would devalue me easily while he has to make promises to her so she won’t leave him. He changes on how he acts frequently daily. I can see he acts happily at work in front of coworkers but at night he is another person and unpredictable. Each day now goes by so slow. I’m slowly to change my focus to only my baby, but it is so difficult. I really hope he can become better, be responsible and understand the consequences of how he is treating others.

[Cat Familiar]

You are right to focus on your baby and your own well being. How he will react to the birth of his child is unknown. It seems that you have the support of his mother. Since she is the grandmother, how do you feel about further developing a relationship with her?

[serena.s]

he said sorry to me that he is sleepy and needs some sleep so he won’t be back tonight and told me he is safe. Obviously he is with the woman. I called him for 4 hours already now and I just think if we need to break up then he should be the one who says it but I think he really wants the baby so that’s why he can’t say it directly to me. If one day I decide to let go, should I jus do it quietly or should I tell him the wrongful things he did? Will he ever feel guilty or sorry?

I have no idea about building a relationship with his mom, she is nice to me but she is a control freak and she nags on the smallest things so it wouldn’t be healthy for my baby. Also, she thinks I should ignore everything now and that he probably will change later on. I doubt it even with therapy, because the psychiatrist said that is how he is, a selfish person and it’s his personality, not his BPD.