Very difficult situation with young adult son

[suzanne29]

Looking for support for dealing with my young adult son (21 years old), recently diagnosed with BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Welcome, suzanne29 -- this is an excellent group for parents supporting parents (and grandparents, step parents, inlaws, etc, too)! You're not alone in having a young adult child whose struggles deeply impact you.

Does your son accept his diagnosis? Is he engaging with any treatment?

Also, where's he living right now -- home? Independent? Other?

While the specifics of what support looks like vary based on the individual, one common theme, as unintuitive as it sounds, is to do less for him, and focus a LOT on strengthening and caring for yourself. Kind of like, we can't truly or effectively help others unless we're in a strong place ourselves.

Write back whenever works for you;

kells76

[suzanne29]

Thank you so much, @Kells76.

My 21 year old son has been very sensitive his whole life -- like, starting as an infant and continuing forward. He was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder, anxiety, then ADHD/Impulsive type, OCD, and finally, BPD. If I'd have known it was this, I like to think I'd have done things differently -- as it was, I bought into the whole limit-setting/tough love thing, which I think might have made things worse.

He's always had difficult relationships -- with me, his father, his sister, his peers. In particular, he and I have had a really tumultuous relationship -- with me trying to "teach him to act right..." by pointing out his shortcomings. I realize that my own background -- I have a brother who is probably undiagnosed BPD -- probably led me to want to make sure that he didn't walk all over people.

When he started college 3 years ago, he had significant difficulties with a roommate and other peers. Since he returned post-Covid, he's had several really negative  encounters with roommates and girlfriends. He's been called up on disciplinary charges several times, and he's still trying to sort out some Title 9 charges from last Spring. My husband and I have had little to do with him in the last year -- he became so abusive last Fall that it felt self-protective to pull back.

A few weeks ago, he got in trouble again with a girlfriend. Knowing he might very well be expelled, he spiraled into suicidal ideation and wound up hospitalized in another city. I came to live with him because it didn't seem like a great idea to leave him alone here. He started an Intensive Outpatient Program, which he has been attending (and which he says is helpful). He's also been alcohol and drug free.

So all of this is good, right? The therapy is certainly churning things up for him. I've been trying to stay calm and consider that a lot of what he's doing is coming from extremely low self esteem. But wow. Talk about a learning curve.

Thanks for replying.
Suzanne29

[Sancho]

Hi Suzanne29.

There certainly seems to be a lot of things happening since this last crisis. But like so many of us who come here, it is around the merry -go round that is so difficult to deal with.

When you have been supporting/helping/encouraging/putting up with a whole lot of negative responses to your care and help, it is just so hard to keep going.

You don't say a lot about how you are feeling, but I sense you are tired of dealing with it all and struggling to find the energy to keep going.

But I might be wrong about this. Perhaps it's my own feelings at the moment that I'm projecting.

I hope there is some breakthrough in what is happening at the moment. In the meantime I hope coming here is at least giving you the consolation that you are not alone.

[kells76]

Hi suzanne29, good to hear back from you.

I came to live with him because it didn't seem like a great idea to leave him alone here. He started an Intensive Outpatient Program, which he has been attending (and which he says is helpful). He's also been alcohol and drug free.

Hopefully those baby steps -- attending the IOP, seeing it as helpful, cutting out alcohol and drugs -- are laying a more positive foundation for his life.

How long does the IOP last? And is it BPD specific, or another focus?

Do they have a parent group at all? My hope would be that the more you can interact with treatment staff, and be on the same page with them, the better off you all will be, so that he can't play you guys off of each other.

He's been called up on disciplinary charges several times, and he's still trying to sort out some Title 9 charges from last Spring. My husband and I have had little to do with him in the last year -- he became so abusive last Fall that it felt self-protective to pull back.

As hard as it is, I think that's a wise move to allow him to deal with the real and serious outcomes of his behavior choices. Some people need to hit rock bottom in order to have an insight into what they need to change -- it'll be interesting to see if your son is like that.

I can't imagine it's easy, though, so I hope you have time for taking care of yourself, too -- doing things that don't always focus on him. As you're in this other city, maybe there's somewhere nice for you to visit, just for you? Have a tourist day?

-kells76