I’ve posted on the site frequently lately, but it’s really the only place that feels therapeutic to me and I appreciate everyone’s honesty and shared stories on here. I really think it’s saved my life.
Anyways my bpd ex left me about two weeks ago after a 1.5 yea relationship. We’ve had some rough patches in the last few months but we got over them and things were getting better in my mind. After having some space to really see and observe things I can see things were not getting better and I continually subjected myself to awful treatment that I didn’t need to endure. I’ve been verbally abused my whole relationship and been made to feel literally every problem in our relationship was my fault. I started going to counseling about 8 months ago twice a week with the intent of bettering myself and to be a better partner in my relationship. My bpd partner would say she needed counseling as well, but just didn’t have the “time”. It was as though as long as she acknowledged needing counseling, it excused whatever behavior she wanted to do. On top of that my ex would criticize my lack of “improvement” and say she didn’t notice counseling working at all for me. Zero willingness to look at herself. ooking back as much as I thought we were in love, it’s comical to me how one sided our relationship was and I’m astounded as to why I put up with it for so long.
As each day passes I do a little better, or tell myself I do. This breakup devastated me, I’ve checked into a behavioral unit at the hospital for 4 days and been to darker places mentally than I ever imagined possible. I am still struggling, but I’m trying so hard to see things in a factual light. Since breaking up, friends have showed me multiple dating website profiles of my ex (which she would constantly make fun of and say she’d NEVER be that desperate, and that sex was so easy to find as a “hot” girl , so cringe). I’m starting to realize I don’t think I ever really knew my ex. Her dating profiles say she is “bisexual” which she would on her own tell me all the time she’d never be into women (I wouldn’t have a problem with this at all, just would have appreciated honesty). I came on the heels of a very abusive relationship for her and I was the complete opposite. I think I was just somebody to care for her while the country was shut down in a pandemic. She’d tell me all the time how good I was for her and how unhealthy of a relationship she had with alcohol and drugs. As I look back as soon as things started to really open back up (bars) our problems really started.
My self worth was tied to somebody who didn’t deserve it, and it’s been tough to admit. It’s hard to be made to feel utterly worthless and replaceable, it’s a living hell. The final straw for me is a complicated one, I pray not everyone has to go through something traumatizing like this to see the light. If you have a gut feeling, just leave.
Anyways, I was married for 8 years prior to my relationship with my bpd ex. Long story short, my ex father in law passed away from covid after my bpd ex and I had been dating for about 5 months. I was in bed with her when I got the news. I remember immediately wondering how I could react to this because my bpd ex was very sensitive to anything to do with my ex wife. I tried to can my emotions but couldn’t restrain myself and started to cry. Concerned, my bpd ex asked me what was wrong and upon telling her she was very considerate and loving. After a half hour or so she said she was going to go out and grab us breakfast and give me some time to process everything. I was very grateful and thankful for the gesture. Upon returning my ex bpdgf had totally changed her tune. She was completely silent and standoffish. I knew what was coming but didn’t want to believe it, I asked what was wrong and she said nothing. I pressed until finally she snapped, she exploded on me claiming I was still in love with my ex and that I should never have cried or shown any emotion. If I truly didn’t care I would have just said “oh I’m sorry” and been done. I truly could not believe it, and even more so couldn’t believe I found myself apologizing to her and reassuring her profusely. To this day it’s the ugliest human interaction I’ve ever seen, I could not believe it. I wish I would have had the stones to end things there but instead I spend the next few weeks and even months apologizing for my reaction to that death. Fast forward to what caused her to leave me for good. She had a friend who passed away from a drug overdose two weeks ago. This friend was a male and some one who I had had very specific issues with in our relationship. Though she assured me their relationship was platonic (and I stupidly still believe her) there were several instances where I was uncomfortable with how much they were talking and the final tipping point was when she stayed over at his house with friends a few nights after drinking (not in itself a problem, I’m glad she didn’t try to drive home), but I later found out they slept in the same bed together. At that point (roughly 4 months ago) I told her it was me or him. She chose me (
, I know they kept communicating) and we moved on. So fast forward again to this guy passing away and she was completely devastated, they’d known each other since they were in preschool and I tried to be as supportive as possible. I took three days off work until she flew back to California for the funeral and attended to everything at her house and made sure she didn’t have to do or focus on anything but grieving. Things went as well as to be expected until I dropped her off at the airport. I reassured her but also gave her space to process and when she got back home, broke up with me the next day. I was informed that because of me she hadn’t communicated with this guy as much as she normally does because she felt judged from my end. She also said if she’d been able to talk to him more this overdose my not have happened. At that point it fully hit me just how mentally not there she really is. I look at the stark contrast in how we supported each other in death even with the circumstances and it’s not something I would ever be able to get over. I’ve made so many excuses for her over the relationship but this was something I knew I’d never truly be able to look past.
If I could go back in time I wish so bad I’d known about this site months ago. I would also like to offer support for anyone currently going through a relationship like this and offer some advice I wish I would have been told. Just leave. I know some situations are different than others but if you can do it, leave. I poured 110% into my relationship and into a person who didn’t deserve it. At the end of the day no matter how scared you are of being alone or how much you think you love them, you deserve better. It’s not your job to help someone who treats you less than human, there really is no helping them. Do you want to live your entire relationship having to Consciously consider every single comment you make to “the love of your life”? I thought I did, I wanted to marry this girl, but as hard as it is to admit I’m so grateful she’s gone. Even though I still struggle every day I keep trying to remind myself this is the best decision, I could have never “fixed” her, and all of her relationships will be like this. She’ll always have an excuse for not getting help or looking in the mirror.
